I'm going Anon because I've turned family and friends onto this site in the past and don't want to risk identifying myself.

What are the host/hestess gift etiquette rules?? I've been under the impression that if a friend or acquaintance invites you to a dinner party you take flowers or a bottle of wine or chocolates or something to them. But what about close family members who host holiday dinners every year and where the 'guests' all bring a dish to pass? My sister hosts Thanksgiving every year and she opens her house up and cooks a turkey which is always free due to seasonal grocery promotions every year, and she ususally makes mashed potatoes, too, but doesn't start cooking them until people arrive so usually someone else ends up actually making them. In this case I don't see the reason for a hostess gift. She's close family, everyone is already contributing a part of the meal, and everyone helps clean up, too.

My mother seems to think a hostess gift is required and brings one and asked me to go in on it with her. I didn't even realize she usually brought a gift, since *I* host Christmas every year and she never brings me a gift! And when I host, no one brings a dish and no one helps clean up, which is the way I insist it be. In other words, they would bring dishes and clean up if I wanted them to, but I don't. I think I'd be offended if a sibling or my mother showed up with a gift, as though I were someone they had to be oh so polite and proper with. I'm not saying they shouldn't be polite, but to me a proper hostess gift would seem too formal. She says she doesn't bring me a gift because I have fewer people than my sister does at Thanksgiving. But I buy and make and clean it all up, so it's actually more work than what my sister puts into her occasion.

So, my question is, who is right, who is wrong? Do I owe my sister a hostess gift when I'm already bringing two pies and whipped cream? I understand that a gift is a nice gesture, but when presented so formally it seems weird. Advice? Tips?

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 11:10 am:

I don't know what is considered *proper*, but IMO, since you're bringing dessert, it's not necessary for you to bring a gift.

By Colette on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 11:15 am:

I don't think it's a question of being right or wrong. If you are already bringing food you do not have to bring a gift. I do all the holidays at my house because I enjoy doing it. But, even though everyone brings a dish to Thanksgiving, it is still a TON of work. Making the stuffing, making the desserts (both of which need to be done ahead of time), ironing the tableclothes and napkins, polishing silver, cleaning the house, making sure there are enough beverages (and tupperware for leftovers), and then washing all of the dish towels, tableclothes napkins, decorating the house, etc. etc. It's a lot more than cooking the turkey. But you already know how much work it is since you do Christmas (which is probably even MORE work). My husband's aunt usually has us up around Christmas and I always bring either a centerpiece for her table or a bouquet of cut flowers.

By Palmbchprincess on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 11:38 am:

I don't think a hostess gift is needed if it's essentially a potluck dinner. You are putting as much time and energy into the meal as the hostess, so I wouldn't bring an additional gift.

By Vicki on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 11:59 am:

I don't think that a gift is required if you are taking something, but I also think it is a nice gesture. Are you sure that your just not miffed that your mom doesn't feel the need to do it for you? That is a whole other can of worms there! LOL Even though she only makes the turkey as you say, there is tons more work that goes into hosting something than that. I am sure you are aware of it because of your hosting Christmas!! To be honest, I think your basing your thought process on what your mom does for you as opposed to your sister. Again, I don't think it is required, but nice to do.

By Vicki on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 12:03 pm:

Also you say this:

I understand that a gift is a nice gesture, but when presented so formally it seems weird.

But then you also say that you were never even aware that your mom did it until she asked you to go in on it with her. So it doesn't sound to me like it is being presented in a big formal matter. Sounds to me like she is just taking a little something to say thanks for haveing all of us!! Which to me, is nice!! Again, not required, but nice.

By Bea on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 12:15 pm:

A gift coerced isn't a gift. It's a bribe. Please bring a small gift if you feel you wish to say. "Thanks for having us". Don't bring anything, if you feel she's somehow skimped and done very little. It sounds as if you feel this way and resent the idea. Then DON’T give her anything. That would destroy the idea of a gift completely. Gifts aren’t given because someone deserves it. They are given because you want to present something to bring them joy.

By Tink on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 12:52 pm:

I would be upset if I was expected to provide a gift for someone else but one wasn't given to me. That said, I don't think you should have to give a gift for a potluck family dinner. If everyone is bringing the same type of thing, I don't think something this informal requires a gift. It doesn't sound like your family thinks of a hostess gift as a normal thing since you aren't getting one. I'd just say to your mom "I think the food we bring is for everyone, including the hostess."

By Pamt on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 01:34 pm:

I think with family it's silly to think of a hostess gift. And I don't do any such thing with close, personal friends who we have over to dinner. They don't either. It's a family get together not a dinner party. And even if etiquette did dictate that you bring a gift the fact that you are bringing food already would negate that.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 01:47 pm:

Objectively (no feelings involved), I don't think a hostess gift is required when (a) it's family and (b) it's everyone brings something.

Subjectively (feelings involved) seems to me there is a whole lot going on here. First, your surprise that your mom takes a hostess gift to your sistr but not to you - that you never knew until now and that she does that. Second, that you do the whole shebang and not pot luck, but then, that's your choice so I think that is not in the equation - that is, it shouldn't be part of the discussion or thinking.

My suggestion - if your mom is not asking for more than a few dollars and you can afford it AND if you can do it with a good will, go in with your mom on this and some time well after the holidays - say, February or March, when both you and your mom are in a good mood, try to explore this. I say do it because otherwise your mom will feel hurt and you will know your mom feels hurt - unless doing so will gnaw at your feelings for the next few months. I say talk about it because it is clear the idea of her taking a gift for your sister and not for you bothers you at least a bit.

And, if someone ever brings you a hostess gift, I truly, truly hope you are not offended or if you are you hide it well. It is, after all, the thought that counts.