Recently I have realized really how very lucky I am to have the wonderful marriage that I have. I have friends that are haveing marital problems and they always ask me, "How after 9 years can you still have the relationship you have with Albert." I've always just said that I guess I am just lucky but now I have revised my answer. Many of you may know about all the medical crap going on with me (more news on that but I'll post that seprately). DH and I haven't been intamate in 2 months. We kinda tried the other night but I hurt too bad so it didn't happen. Well when your relationship for some reason or another becomes 100% intillectual (sp) and 0% physical you really learn what will probley keep you together in the late years of your life. These are now the reasons why I think we have such a good relationship:
1. I truely like him as a person, not just love but like him.
2. There really is NOTHING that we don't talk about, we are best friends.
3. I respect him more than I think I have ever respected any man.
4. We never have intentionaly hurt one another (name calling) not even to friends.
5. We put our marriage in front of DS. You have to put your husband/wife relationship first because then your are showing your children what a good relationship is and your marriage isn't all about parenting. My one friend said all her and her DH talk about is the kids, nothing else.

There are many more reasons why I think my relationship works but I have rambled on enuff already. It has just hit scince all of my problems how great of a hubby I have and how lucky I am that we have what we have. Especialy in a world where marriage isn't sacred any more.
For all of you with wonderful relationships, what do you think sets you apart from your friends that don't have it as good. I'm sure most of you know someone with a not so good marriage.
thanks for letting me ramble

By Juli4 on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 08:29 am:

I agree. My dh and I was unable to be intimate for a few months when I was pregnant with our second. I was really surprised how well we go t along and how secure I felt even though we weren't able to be together in that way. It was a good experience for us I think.

We grew up together and talked about everything adn know the good and bad and he is the one person I can tell anything and be completely open and vulnerable and not feel rejected or fear that I will be. I am truly lucky to have married him. MY life would not be the same and I would not be the same person that I am.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 10:17 pm:

I am lucky to be married to hubby, too. I feel like I have known him my whole life! I almost have, too. When I was in middle school, he was an 8th grade saxophone player and I was a 7th grade cornet player! Who knew we would end up married some day? Then I moved in 8th grade went on to other things. We got fixed up after college by mutual friends! Now, we have been married 17 years.

For intimacy, we didn't have much when I was pregnant. It was uncomfortable. Other times, we have dry spells when he gets stressed out at work, or due to life circumstances. We don't always have quantity, but we sure have quality when it does happen.

Also, nothing is better than waking up, lying together and just talking before we have to start our day.

By Jlpaints on Saturday, November 20, 2004 - 08:41 pm:

There are a lot of things that set apart a good relationship from a bad one. Far too many people get married in this day and age without knowing JACK about their choice in lifemates. It is imperative that you get to know your mate on every level, because as we all find out at some point...sex won't carry the relationship, especially when it isn't there for one reason or another. There are 1000s of questions that should be discussed with your partner whether you are just dating or have been married for years. It is just amazing to me what people DON'T know about their spouses (I am a therapist).

One major asset to a relationship is a mutual awareness of one another's "love language". I know that one of the main reasons that my DH and myself are still madly in love after almost 10 years is that we are acutely aware of what the other person thrives on and we provide it to each other generously and lovingly. I am a person who absolutely must have words of praise and affirmation and physical touch. My DH is someone who prefers "acts of service". When I do things for him or the way he likes them done, he feels loved and appreciated. It can be anything from keeping my car cleaned out to getting up early with him and making his coffee or sitting with him to watch "The O'Reilly Factor" when I would rather be having a root canal! I know what pajamas he prefers me to wear and the position the seat goes back to after I've driven his truck (bonus if I had it washed and filled the tank!) For a few years we really clashed because I thought all he wanted was a slave. But as I learned more about him and began to do it his way more often, I found the benefits to be WELL worth it. Essentially, I can (and often do) have anything in the world I desire. He tells me daily I am a fantastic mother, wife, lover, therapist, housekeeper, cook, etc. and it is never contrived...always sincere. With him I have transformed from a person who thought very little of herself to someone who cannot help but think that she is the most beautiful, svelt, sexy, intelligent, talented person in the universe. And if you doubt me, just ask him...he'll tell you he is the luckiest man alive. But the truth is that we truly love each other at the very root of it and that pulls us through everything. It is difficult to love someone completely that you don't even know. I challenge all of my couples in therapy to learn more about each other and to put that knowledge to good use.

By Palmbchprincess on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 12:56 am:

Laura, I am really interested in learning more about the "love language" idea. I know it has been mentioned on here before, and I think it would be really beneficial to us, since we are both entering our second marriages. Can you recommend any books or information on it?

By Tink on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 01:23 pm:

I'd love to learn more about it too. I think I have each member of our family figured out but I don't always know the best way to speak their language. Any tips or advice?

By Pamt on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 01:27 pm:

Here's the book"

The Five Love Languages

There are also offshoots of this one for spouses, children, teenagers, but you don't need those IMO. This was the first and explains what the 5 love language are and explains how to speak that language.

By Palmbchprincess on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 02:05 pm:

Thanks Pam, I'm going to pick it up. I really think most of the struggles in my relationships come from not knowing the person's love language.

By Kristie on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 05:12 pm:

That book might help a relly good friend of mine. I don't know if her dh would read it with her though. He's getting mad because she's buying book to help improve herself and he said that if she dosen't know about their relationship and she needs a book then she is stupid

By Jlpaints on Sunday, November 21, 2004 - 10:40 pm:

Thanks for posting the link Pam...the book is written by Gary Chapman and it is one of two books I require all my couples to read who enter therapy with me. The other book is "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley. These concepts are indespensible IMHO.