This is a cigarette topic, not meant for debates..

My neighbor next door was having a candle party..I didnt know about it, not really a big deal. My son goes next door to play alot, and I know that the parents smoke. The mom never has smoked in front of me. She is a hairdresser and cuts our hair and we do it at her house. But, she has never once smoked in front of me.. The husband will smoke where ever he is sitting.. The whole house reeks of smoke, as the grandparents are the original owners, and chained smoked. The grandparents now live in Florida, but smoke is still thick in there. The other night I let both older kids go over there for a birthday party..Yesterday my son goes to play there, and comes home and tells me, that Nicole said I should come over to the candle party they were having..My husband was up in the attic doing some rewiring work, so couldnt take care of the baby.. So I told my son, that I couldnt go as I dont want the baby around all that smoke..? So he said "do you want me to tell her that?".. and I said yes, because thats why Im not going over there. I wasnt mad about it, and I do let my other kids play there. So when my husband came down from the attic I told them about the candle party and why I didnt go. He said "Hope she doesnt get offended"...Of course then I felt bad, I would never intentionally offend somebody. But, I dont think my 3 month old baby needs to be around all that smoke.
Was I really rude to say that?

By Feona on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 07:35 am:

No I don't think it would offend anyone. Everyone knows babies (especially )should not be around all that smoke. It is common knowledge.


But people are werid so they might be offended.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 07:57 am:

I wouldn't worry about it. It's a fact, plan and simple.

By Rayanne on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 08:44 am:

I wouldn't worry about it either. I'm sure she knew that you didn't mean it in a mean way.

By Cat on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 08:49 am:

I wouldn't worry about it either. Hugs.

By Children03 on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 09:15 am:

I don't think what you said was rude at all. I bet she probably just realizes that you don't smoke and don't want your baby around it, no big deal. Don't worry about it.

By Christylee on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 09:20 am:

Ditto everyone else... I'm STILL like that with Brendan.

By Kate on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 09:30 am:

You didn't ask for this advice, but I'd still like to say that I wouldn't let your older kids go over there, either. The smoke isn't good for THEM, either. I am positively rabid about keeping myself and my family away from secondhand smoke. I'm glad you kept Faith away. Had you gone without her, YOU would have come home 'wearing' the smoke in your clothes and hair and Faith would have breathed it all in while you held her and nursed her, etc. I'm sure they're good neighbors and good people, but I'd limit my activities with them to things in your home or outdoors or in non smoking public places. Hope I didn't offend anyone.

By Emily7 on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 10:52 am:

I would not worry about it either.
Kate is very right about the smoke on your clothing. My ds had horrible reflux & even 3rd hand smoke could cause it to be worse for him. I do not let anyone smoke near my children & when I smoked I never smoked in front of non smokers or their kids.

By Boxzgrl on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 12:03 pm:

Not rude at all. I tell my Dad the same thing and he respects it. I think smoking inside a house is nasty! My Dads walls are completely yellow from it and whenever a picture is moved theres a big white spot. If it does that to the walls, can you imagine what it does to lungs?

By Mommmie on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 01:20 pm:

Well, I think it was a bit rude. I think it would have been more polite (is that the opposite of rude?) to just decline and leave it at that - especially if you're using your own child as the messenger.

I've never met a parent who smoked, so I can't say I've been in this situation. So, maybe my opinion would change. It just seems a little passive-aggressive to me.

By Vicki on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 01:35 pm:

I don't know if I would say that it was "rude" but I don't think it was necessary. For a couple of reasons really..one, you still let your other children play there, so it has to cross her mind that how can you really say you care about it and two, that you used your child to tell her this. I guess I don't see why you don't mind if your older children breath the second hand smoke, but the baby can't. Really, what is the difference?? I think I would have just declined the offer and let it go. I think that is the way I would have handled it anyway.

By Tink on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 01:46 pm:

I think it was better to give the reason you chose not to go. If you didn't give her a reason, she might have taken it as a personal insult, that you chose not to go to HER candle party. Really, if she chooses to smoke in her home, you can't be the first person to have chosen not to spend time in there. If she'd said something along the lines of "Oh, I'm sure she's so busy taking care of the house and the baby." and your son said that you were just sitting in the living room, taking care of Faith, she could have been more offended. In CA, smoking indoors is almost unheard of, even in someone's home. I may be coming from a different perspective.

By Kristie on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 03:12 pm:

I'm a smoker and don't smoke in the house or allow any smokeing around Russell. EVERYONE knows how anal I am about this. When we go to a friends house that smokes they don't smoke in their house for the whole day before we go there and they Febreeze and Lysol their house frequently before we get there. I had the biggest problem with my mom when she smoked cuz she believed she didn't have to change her life for anyone. We fought about it frequently, thank God she dosen't smoke anymore and this isn't a problem. I believe You did the right thing. It dosen't matter that you had your son tell her, If she gets upset than she dosen't have any respect for the choices you make about your baby. I do agree that you should ask her not to smoke around your other kids also. hey are your children and their health is your responcibilty.

By Mrse on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 03:42 pm:

I am a smoker, and I do smoke in my house, I do not smoke in my friends house, at her request, which is no big deal to me. As far as your question, well I think that I would have just called her and told her thankyou for the invite but you can not make it over ( give an excuse) the only reason I say that is because of exactley what was said above, that the other kids go over their, so the other mom is most likely confused by that. I would call her now and talk to her about it. I would say it would be pretty hard to tell a smoker or demand that they not smoke in their own house as it is your choice to go over their or have your family in the house if you know they smoke.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 06:06 pm:

I smoke in my house. I don't smoke in my friends' homes or my dil's home. I would understand fully if someone turned down an invitation to my house because of the smokey atmosphere (Febreeze isn't going to get rid of it). I would understand even more if there is a baby. I think it is especially important to not have babies exposed to cigarette smoke and if I am ever blessed with a grandchild I fully expect to do all my visiting at the grandchild's house for just that reason (unless I am able to quit before then).

I do think it was better to give a reason than not. I also don't consider selling events like candle parties to really be social events and would personally not feel I had to give a reason for not attending except where there is a close relationship - as there is in your case. I think you handled it just right.

By Theresa_Momma on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 06:08 pm:

I am also a smoker. And I do not smoke around ds EVER! My daddy is a smoker too and he doesn't smoke around ds either. And if I had been having the candle party knowing that a baby was coming I wouldn't have smoked. I don't smoke around non-smokers or their children because non-smokers don't like it. But I don't think that your dk needed to add the smoking excuse, you could have just said that you were too busy. JMHO