Today's the day my ex and his wife are having their new baby. It's C-section, and has been schduled for about three hours from now. My 14 yr old dd (from my marriage to ex) has mixed emotions... she's happy with the way things are now (they also have twin 4 yr olds), and is afraid of the changes coming with a new baby (she sees them about once every 2 or 3 months). I have been positive around dd, but privately, I'm wrestling with old luggage about when I was married to ex and pregnant with dd. He didn't want a baby, and my pregnancy was awful! We had a couple of good weeks after dd was born, then things fell apart for good. He left us when she was 3 months old. Now he's all excited over the new baby, and the model father, and etc ad nauseum, and most days I just can't take it. It's not fair. (I know...life isn't fair) I wish I could bury my feelings and just be happy for them...

By Cat on Monday, November 8, 2004 - 12:06 pm:

{{{{{Janet}}}}} I wish I had some great advise for ya, but all I have is an ear and a shoulder. It must be hard.

By Tink on Monday, November 8, 2004 - 04:11 pm:

No advice here either but I wanted to tell you that it's great that you are staying positive in front of your dd. This has to be so hard on both of you and it's no surprise this is bringing up old issues. Lots of love!

By Colette on Monday, November 8, 2004 - 04:40 pm:

(((Janet)))

By Janet on Monday, November 8, 2004 - 09:36 pm:

I got home from work and my dd was pretty down in the dumps...her dad had called and told her about her new sister, and she said, "He didn't seem very excited." I told her he was probably tired and a bit overwhelmed (his in-laws visiting, wife in the hospital, new baby, twins) and I sat with her on the couch for awhile, just holding her. She'll be visiting for Thanksgiving, so I'm thinking she (and her dad) will be more upbeat by then! *sigh* I'm doing OK, BTW... I got the best of my dd and she has an amazing step dad!

By Kim on Tuesday, November 9, 2004 - 12:17 am:

I'm sorry Janet, I remember when this happened last time. I kind of know how you feel. Maybe it was better that he didn't stick around if he wasn't interested. It could have caused more heartache in the end. Then you wouldn't have your dh! Don't bury your feelings. Grieve them and let them go. And when they come again, do the same. Don't feel guilty! After I gave myself permission to grieve I noticed it happened less and less. Hugs to you and dd. How is your younger dd taking this?

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, November 9, 2004 - 09:25 am:

Janet, it appears that when you were married to your X, he just wasn't ready to be a parent. Sad, but true. And IMO, handled it like a jerk. So he marries someone else and creates this happy little family. Which is fine as long as your DD is included. Change is difficult for everyone, so it's only natural your DD is having trouble adjusting to this. However, you wrote that he didn't sound excited about the new baby, so maybe he's falling back into his old mold where the new baby is concerned. Have you spoken with him about your DD's feelings about this? After all, she IS his first born, and she is entitled to the same love and attention his other kids are. As for your DD, adjusting to new situations is unfortunately a part of *real* life. I know it's hard for her, just be supportive and help her through this. I'm sure there are feelings of jealousy and rejection.

The support of you and her stepdad will help her get through this. She needs to know that she is special and an important part in your lives. And that none of this is her fault or it's not meant to slight her in any way.

Keep up the good work Mom, she will adjust to this.

By Janet on Tuesday, November 9, 2004 - 09:46 am:

My dd was pretty down yesterday after he called.. he pretty much treated her like she wasn't a part, which torques me off, but that's the way it goes. His wife is the one who has been keeping the relationship together. If it were up to him, he'd be estranged. My younger dd doesn't seem to care one way or the other.. it's just her sister's business. When they come to visit, she's kinda on the sidelines, it seems. My dh is the greatest...not too many men would step in and be such a loving and responsible daddy to someone else's baby, but he did it from Day One, and she considers him her dad in all the important ways. I'm glad ex and his wife are a part of dd's life, but at times like this, I wish they just weren't there, you know? It'll smooth out, it'll just take some time. Thanks for listening!

By Wandilu on Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 07:55 pm:

Maybe in a few months from now,maybe you and x's wife can have a heart to heart talk about how your dd feels.Sounds like she (the wife)is a pretty good step-mom,and she would come more closer to understanding ,and could possibly be able to relate the feelings to your x.Also,if x has changed and now is more of a family man,he might be feeling really guilty about his first try at fatherhood,and instead of being able to talk about it to you and DD,and maybe apoligise for his failure,he chooses to ignore it (and her).This is similar to the case with my x.There was so much anger and bitterness in our marriage and divorce.He moved away yrs ago,and only see's our kids 1 or 2 times a year.They used to beg him to move back home (not with me,just the same state).Life went on,the kids grew up,and i've been happily remarried for many,many yrs.But,we all feel that his guilty feelings are what still keeps him away.