So mad at husband...
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So mad at husband...
I told him last night that it would be nice to do some missionary work and that it would change our lives. He said I couldn't do it...!!!! It struck at the core of my being. I do lots of stuff for others...way more than myself. I will never forget he told me that I couldn't do something... SO MAD!!!
Take a deep breath, why wouldn't he let you go?
Sometimes dh make decisions based on their feelings and then make a flat arbritary decision. By missionary work are you talking in your town, your state, your country? For how long if you are going to be away from home? Do you have kids? Would it mean a hardship on your family. Could you be in danger. I am not saying that you shouldnt go, or that he made the right decision but sometimes a compromise has to be made. I would reapproch the subject, tell him how upset you are by his decision. Ask him for specific reasons why you shouldnt go. The decision DOES have to be made between the the both of you, it will only cause real strife between you two if you dont, and certainly that isnt God's plan. Pray, talk to your religious leader. Try to get past your anger, it is ok for a while but it will only eat you up if you let it go for too long. God bless you for wanting to help other people but you also have to be there for your family and yourself. GL
thanks, kristen. i was talking about the subject hypothetically last night and he got mad, shut off the tv and left me in the basement in the dark in a matter of 5 seconds. i was so furious, i decided to stay down there another half hour and watch tv a bit more. i approached him about his anger and he said that he doesn't think i could hack it. he thinks i couldn't live without tv, etc. and, he said i don't finish things i start...which is something i think he made up in the heat of the moment as another justification as to why he was mad. (i asked him for examples and he couldn't come up with ONE...and he still hasn't all day.)i think it's just the idea that the love of my life doesn't believe in me. he is also the type not to say "i'm sorry" for hurting my feelings. he grew up with all men and it's so frustrating because it's like he hurts me twice by not saying "i'm sorry". i think he feels guilty bc he doesn't want to do missionary work nor does he have the desire. i didn't mention it to make him feel guilty. i just thought it would help make the world a better place and make us stronger as well. i feel so "numb" and "spoiled"...i almost miss my humble upbringings. my husband's idea of a bad day is missing his favorite football game on tv. i feel like we are missing the point of life sometimes....(sigh)...
u could also look at it this way ... he may be tryikng to say i love u and dont leave me. tho his words said something else ... he is a strong willed man and has that macho thing ingrained .... u cant change that ... when things cool off u can always say something to the effect can u understand why u hurt my feelins and maybe in the future be a lil more understanding ... tho it has taken my like 20 some years to get to this point i have learned to over look some of the many flows my hubby has as far as being sensitive to my needs and feelins ... i am numb and spoiled also and one day i will do something to find the point of life to help otehrs and bring joy to others
Sounds to me like you both need some lessons in "fair fighting". What your husband did was "kitchen sink" kind of arguing, and I'm sure you understand that (him saying you never finish anything, you saying - at least to yourself - that a day without football on TV is a bad day for him). On the other hand, I think you kind of blind-sided him with what sounds like a very drastic change in your lives. Are you sure he knew it was hypothetical? I suspect he felt rather threatened by the thought that you might find something more important than your live with him and your family, and did a knee-jerk, gut reaction kind of thing.
If you really want to talk about this with him, I suggest you find a calm time to talk about it and make sure he knows up front that this is something you have been thinking about hypothetically, not something you intend to go out and start doing next month. I can understand your hurt feelings, but if you really want to talk about the question of mission work, going into his leaving you in the dark and your hurt feelings will only pull you both back to where you started - in the dark and angry.
You say he doesn't believe in you - I think maybe he believes you really want to do this and knows you well enough to know that this is something very important to you, and it scares the daylights out of him. When people are scared - especially men - they lash out every which way without thinking of the consequences.
Try forgiving, and trying to talk about the hypothetical what-if possibility when you can both work at being calm.
I would like to be supportive of your proposal, but I must agree with Kristin. Putting yourself out there for others requires commitment and responsibility. Not that you couldn't hack it, but at this point in your life, with a brand new baby who needs attention every minute of the day (when he's not sleeping), and don't forget to give dh his due attention, as well as the dog and the home, you are probably pretty much already in demand as it is, and committing yourself to missionary work at this point in the game would be ridiculous, IMO.
As far as dh's temperment goes, it is obvious to me that he is upset about something that has nothing to do with missionary work. Commonly dhs hold in things that bother them until one thing touches them off and they go into a rampage and a whole cascade of things that has bothered them come pouring out.
My guess is that he feels, as is also common, left out and wondering where he falls on your list of priorities, and your suggestion enforces that uncertainty. You are most likely devoting your time, energy, and attention to the baby, and he may wonder where his place is as a new daddy as well as a hubby. He may be frustrated.
You may need to show him that you still love him and need him. First of all, I would like to ask you to think of 10 things that make you thankful that he is your husband. (Look in your profile.) Then, one by one, throughout the next day, say these things to him. Really let him know that you love him and appreciate how hard he works, how he served his country, how hard he tries to treat you with respect. This is the most important thing we can do for our husbands.
thanks ladies. he did know it was hypothetical and somewhere down the road. not for a year of mission work, but rather a week or two. i had shared what i had done in high school and said it was a good experience...really opened my eyes to the world. he took it as "you're not as good as me" since he had never done anything like it. (i never pointed that out to him.) all i said is "wouldn't it be meaningful in 10 years to go do some mission work?" and then i shared what i had done and told him i missed it and would like to go together. maybe he did feel threatened and probably thought i was telling him what WE are going to be doing. telling him what to do i guess...not a good idea on my part.
i'm going to have to disagree though and say that he really owes me an apology for acting the way he did. i suppose i know him too well and know that he could have told me his concern instead of just running off and leaving me in the basement in the pitch black. i was just talking about it...i didn't have my bags packed and ticket in hand. what i should have done, however, is started off with a small thing and just do it on my own...like volunteering to work at our shelter (my mother was homeless for 3 years and i've done that kind of work before i was married.) so, instead of just talking about it which seems to somehow put him down and make him feel guilty...i'll just do it and hopes he wants to join me one day. he's got a GREAT heart and i told him that. there's no question. but, i guess i get tired of donating money rather than putting time and effort into a community. i know he would love it too..it's just hard to get him started on things. we get such in a rut. it just really hurt my feelings when he said I couldn't do it. it's 100% in my nature to do something like that and he was telling me that i couldn't even do that. it's totally unexceptable. and, you're right, maybe he had been keeping some things in and exploded... i don't think i'll ever understand that about guys. i like to get arguments over and done with. sweeping it under the rug only makes it worse. i guess i lived and learned on how to approach him too...aaahhhh...thanks for letting me vent.
Well I do think he owes you an apology for acting in the manner he did, but as my grandpa used to say, for some folks if you wait for an apology you better have a darn good pair of shoes cause youre gonna be waiting a long time.
I would ask for an apology when you both can keep your cool. As Dr. Phil always says keep it about yourself "I am unhappy because I feel you didnt give me a fair shake, I would like to do this sometime in the future but not right now. I was hurt that you reacted in the way that you did, it made me feel small and unloved and like property." You may not get an apology but you will at least have gotten your feelings out and you are the winner. I think that small missionary works would be great, does your church have a food bank that you could volenteer for? I am sure your church could put you into contact w/ someone who could use your help.
oops duplicate post 
"Some" men just don't "get" the whole volunteer concept... I was a girl scout leader for 3 years without having a child, I excelled in our service unit and chaired in get togethers and even ended up being part of the service team. The jerk (oops, guy) I was dating at the time just never understood why I did it. He always gave me a hard time when it didn't fall into "his" plans and hated that I was so committed to it.
I continued to do this after Chuck and I got together and he thought it was a great thing, I only quit when I got pregnant and had to be on bedrest. I do an anual food drive at Thanksgiving and a toy drive at Christmas and he thinks this all good. BUT does he help me? No not really but I don't mind. I guess what I'm trying to say (in a real roundabout kind of way) is that if YOU want to do volunteering, missionary, etc then do it. Of course the missionary work you'd need his support because of the life changes it would bring on, but you're doing this for yourself and more importantly others. I think I'd start small, there are always places looking for people with big hearts to help.
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