If you found out your spouse had his father on his will to receive a settlement instead of that being divided between you and your child/children? I found out that both myself and my DHs father are on it. I dont know what the percentage is for each but i'm a bit hurt by this. Nothing to do with the money but i'd like to think if anything were to (so help me God) happen that us, the immediate family, would be taken care of. His father is financially happy so I dont know why he is on it. And I do not see one name of any child.

How do I bring this up to him without sounding selfish? I feel selfish writing this but I think its important to have this stuff current just in case.

What would you do? Am I overreacting?

By Trina~moderator on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 02:35 pm:

That does seem odd. My DH and I sat down and discussed this together before doing up the paperwork. Were you part of it? If not, I think I would casually start the conversation by asking, "Do we have a will?" Go from there. Was this possibly made up before your children were born? Does your DH owe his father any money?? You won't know unless you ask.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 02:37 pm:

I think it would depend on the terms. If something happened to both you & your dh who is going to be taking the kids? Did he set it up that way so that your FIL will be able to help you why you are mourning?
How did you find out this was the way it was set up? Was it set up before you had kids?
I would just come right out & ask him why he set it up this way.
I don't think you are overreacting & I feel like it is your right to know why.
Does he have other cildren that are not yours that maybe your FIL is supposed to look out for?

By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 02:49 pm:

No other children. Hes had it for a while and updates it about every year or so. It has been updated within the last 6 months. I've never been there with him because he just gets it done while hes at work. He doesnt owe hid Dad money. I dont even know if a will is the name for it, it is set up through work so if he ever passed away I would get a certain amount of money. I dont know about all this death stuff. I was just watching tv and saw a special about a family going through tragedy and wondered what he has down for us. So thats how it all began...

By Palmbchprincess on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 02:49 pm:

I know that on my ex-husband's will the children and I were 1st beneficiary, and his parents were beneficiaries in case something happened to both of us. I agree you need to ask him, and if it was made before you had children he may just need to update it. On mine, my mom is listed as a secondary, just in case.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 02:52 pm:

And I don't know why his dads name would be on it if both of us were to pass since he knows thats the last man of earth i'd want taking care of any children of mine!

By Emily7 on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 03:18 pm:

I would have a long talk with him. It sounds like he is making a decision for you that needs to be discussed.
I would just tell him you were watching that program & think you need to get things worked out.
Even though we are young, we have a plan for if things happen to us. I realize people don't like to talk about it, but it is important, especially for the kids.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 04:46 pm:

I think it is time to have a long talk with your dh about this. I am surprised he had his will drawn up without consulting you, and if it were me I'd be hurt. My experience, as a legal secretary, is that married couples go to a lawyer together to draw up their wills, as issues of jointly owned property and the children are matters for both to discuss. On the other hand, if your house, cars, bank accounts, are in both your names, there is very little that would come under the will.

I agree, it calls for serious, CALM discussion. This is a time to figure out what you want to say, and how you want to say it, in advance, and work really, really hard at keeping calm. It is not a "you did" thing, but rather, "I feel hurt and wonder why you did it this way - I'm sure you had reasons, but I want very much to know what they are."

And no, I don't think you are selfish. You are a couple, a partnership. Even if he is the only "wage earner" in the family, you are an equal partner by what you do to manage the household, the children, etc., as well as (last but by no means least) being his partner in life.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 04:47 pm:

On re-reading, it sounds to me like what you are talking about is his retirement money - either a pension or 401(k), and death benefits. I know with a 401(k) you can't generally leave it away from your spouse as long as you are married unless the spouse consents in writing. A life insurance policy (death benefit) is a whole other story. But I do think you need to talk with him about this.

By Mommmie on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 05:24 pm:

I agree this sounds like life insurance or a pension/401(k) thing. If you are in Texas and y'all are married he would need your permission to *not* have you as the full beneficiary on the 401(k).

When I was a benefits person at a company, I had a few people put both their parents and their spouse (with spouse's permission/signature) as the beneficiary, but they were all Hispanic. It was a cultural thing that the adult children take care of the parents. No one puts the kids down since they are minors and the money doesn't pass as easily. (Our 401(k) said NO kids could be named as a beneficiary, but I don't know if that was unique to ours or if that is for all 401(k)s).

I certainly would question him, but I would also insist on learning *everything* about your family's finances. If he is not open with you about this, you have got big problems.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 05:25 pm:

Whatever it is called it sounds close to what palmbchprincess is describing. He did have it before we married but it has been changed over the years, yet his dads name has never disappeared, he was his original beneficiary.

By Mommmie on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 05:30 pm:

Are you in a community property state?

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 05:49 pm:

Sometimes people don't think about changing beneficiaries. I know when my brother was seriously ill and had just gone through a messy divorce, he hadn't thought about it, so one of the things I did for him was help him get the forms and decide what he wanted to do about the beneficiary designation on his 401(k), life insurance, etc.

Your dh may not have even thought about it or that he could or should change it, whatever it is (pension, life insurance, whatever).

But I still think one of the issues is that you feel hurt and you should be able to talk with him about it.

And while you're at it, talk about having joint ownership of all property - bank accounts, any investment accounts, real estate and cars. This avoids potential hassles in case of dire circumstances, and the issue of "what is in the will" doesn't even come up.

By Palmbchprincess on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 07:17 pm:

If it is similar to what I was describing, my ex had his parents on it for his SGLI (military life insurance). We had discussed who would take the kids if we BOTH died, and since my parents have young children at home, his parents were our choice. BUT we did it together, and I think Ginny gave excellent advice. Have a discussion with him, as calm as you can, and see what is going on. Since you do not want his dad to take your children if you were both gone, it needs to be changed.

By Mommmie on Tuesday, November 2, 2004 - 07:40 pm:

Well, just bec some *money may pass to your FIL, it doesn't mean your kids' guardianship will. I don't know how you can legally dictate what is going to happen to your children without consent from the spouse. I'm a little confused on what you are saying about that. I guess the first thing is to find out what this is. When you say the word "settlement" I think judgment in a lawsuit. Was your DH awarded a settlement in a lawsuit?

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 05:39 am:

Laura, I don't think guardianship is at issue here because this sounds like a work benefit, not a will. But, if one spouse survives the other and the custody arrangement is a "shared custody" arrangement with neither parent having full custody, the will of the surviving spouse as to guardianship is what would probably prevail.

I don't think our anonymous poster is talking about an actual settlement from a lawsuit or injury case, but rather money from some benefit being "settled" on the FIL instead of spouse/children.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 10:02 am:

I have what Crystal is talking about since my DH is military, the SGLI. He has me and DD as the beneficiary and his Dad as a second. We dont have a will made up but after seing this post yesterday I talked to him about it and were making an appt. to do that.
Try to mention it without bringing up money, ask simple questios like, "Have you ever thought about what would happen with our children if we both ever passed away." Once you get talking about it slowly bring in the money part with his Dad and see what he says. Maybe he just overlooked it. Who knows.

Good luck!

By Mommmie on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 01:50 pm:

Ginny - well this is as clear as mud to me. Ha-Ha! You can tell I only do civil law.

If you have a married couple with children and one parent dies, it's sortof automatic, isn't it, that the surviving spouse continues to have the children. I mean, when I think of "custody arrangement" I think of a couple who is not married and in this case they are married.

Well, this is interesting. I wonder what this document is? Are you saying this is a military thing? I don't know anything about the military. The whole thing sounds sneaky, though, and I would not be happy.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 01:58 pm:

Laura, I don't think it is a military thing at all. I think it is an employer benefit, like a life insurance policy or retirement/pension plan. But I don't know.

I only do civil law also, but have had some involvement in employment benefit stuff. I've never (thank heaven) done domestic relations law (divorce and custody), so all I know is what I have read in the local legal newspaper. You are right, when the parents are married there is no issue about custody, but I have read of several lawsuits around the country where there was a divorce and the custodial parent (usually the mother) dies, and her parents try to get custody of their grandchildren when the non-custodial parent (usually the father) takes over custody after the mother's death. I've also read of cases where both sets of grandparents get into nasty custody battles if the parents are killed simultaneously in, for example, an auto accident.

None of which has anything to do with the question raised by our original anonymous poster.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 - 10:54 pm:

When DH worked his employer paid for a life insurance policy. It requested two adult beneficiaries. He listed me as primary and in the event of my death and our children being grown the money was to be divided between them. In the case of minor children, my sister would receive the money to divide into a trust for the children. She knew this was our wish and it would have been done.

I am the beneficiary on both of my sisters life insurance policies after their spouses of course and pending the age of their children at their death. Their policies, one through work and one through the military both require a secondary beneficiary. Doesn't have to be the person you are going to have raise your children. (life insurance and a will are two different things) Just has to be someone that is aware of your wishes as to what is to be done with the funds and will see that it is done.

I would just ask him, I am sure he might have a good reason for his choice. And you may not have a complete understanding as to why unless you ask. Because like I said in the cases I have dealt with it was required to list two beneficiaries. Maybe he just thought his dad would make sure the kids would get the money. Don't know, but I would be asking.