I don't know where the past 10 years has gone. I've worked so hard for what I have. A home, a family. It's all going down hill and I feel crushed. My chest is tight and I can't seem to function. My dh spends every penny we have, on vehicles, tools that kind of stuff. We have a yard full of vehicles sitting. He is a workaholic and shopaholic. He is always telling me how much money we don't have, even though he has a well paying job. I have to go without all the time, so does our kds. He promised he would not buy another item like snowmobiles, motorcycles vehicles boats trailers etc...Well now he has gone behind my back as before and bought another snowmobile. The other 2 he bought last year are sitting there and need fixing, but because he doesn't have the time he can't fix them. He is on holidays right now and is creating more work for himself as usual. I sit at home and babysit for peanuts and he tells me I need to. I get into crap because he gets upset if the house is out of order and I do admit the bedrooms are but I can't keep up nor can I stay home all the time. I'm going to counselling to figure this out....I think he is extremely controlling and now I see my older son is taking sides (his side) and treating me just as his dad does. I'm so upset and confused I feel stifled and don't know where to go. He tells me to leave because he is sick of my whining. Staying home almost everyday and looking after my children as well as someone else's is very difficult. I wonder if someone has been in my shoes before. I really think it's over this time. How can I live with someone who makes false promises, obviously disrespects me....cuts down my intelligence, is negative about me even getting a job outside the home. I'm just sick over this. He is cold hearted, he blames me for this. He blames me for everything. I'm scared to go out into the world with no education and 3 kids...I'm 38, I guess these days that is considered pretty young to start again. Please help any advice would really help as I can't seem to make sense out of my life.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 04:39 pm:

No advice, just a lot of (((HUGS))) I'm sure there are women on here that have great advice. I don't *know* you but I wish you the best, I can only imagine being where you are.

By Trisa on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 04:43 pm:

Im so sorry. I hope things get better for you soon. I feel so bad but don't really know what to say. Don't give up in life. I will be praying for you. ((( HUGS))))

By Anonymous on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 04:49 pm:

Thanks, it's partly my fault for allowing this all to happen in the first place. I just believed him when this all began that he would cut down on the spending. It's not a 50/50 marriage you see, he's selfish and is 100% in charge of the money. I wanted to get a job so I could have some control as to where I want my money to go, education fund, saving, etc... He really believes he's above the rest. We went to a marriage counsellor once, once was all it took for him because he didn't like what the *male* counsellor had to say. Oh well I just need to vent because I will explode if I don't. Chest pains is not a good thing....I need to do something about my situation, this time for sure!

By Anonymous on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 04:53 pm:

This may sound silly but what is a good marriage like? Do you take care of the household money or share with your dh. I feel like I'm just along for the ride. Sort of in the backseat, not knowing exactly where my future is taking me. It's a horrible feeling. I can't continue to live on false promises...I don't want to say in 10 years why didn't I leave before. I desperately don't want to split up this family but things are not getting any better, I would have to say worse. Thanks for listening.

By Happynerdmom on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 04:54 pm:

(((hugs))) I'm glad you're in counseling. I would ask your husband if he will go to counseling with you, and if he refuses, I would prepare to leave. Talk to a lawyer. You do not need this. That is a bad sign that your son is being affected; He is learning that this is how a man should treat a woman. I know it is a scary thing, and it would be tough if you do leave, but IMO, for me, I would rather live in a shelter, or a run-down apartment and be free from this kind of abuse. Obviously, this is just my opinion...making the real decisions and living with them is the hard part. I've never been in your shoes, but I can't imagine having to live like that. Life is too short.

By Happynerdmom on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 04:59 pm:

Anon, you were posting while I was, but its kind of weird that you mentioned ten years from now...I really wanted to ask you, (I even typed it, but erased it)...Where do you want to be in ten years??

By Vicki on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 05:03 pm:

Anon, a good marriage is when it is a marriage that works for both parties. What I consider to be good for us, wouldn't necessarily be good for the couple next door. It is what both parties agree to and are happy with. I am sorry for what your going through and agree that no one should have to live that way. Please don't ignore the chest pains. Please call your doctor!

By Emily7 on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 05:10 pm:

(((Big Hugs)))
From your posts you sound like a smart women in a bad marriage.
If you do not have children at home during the day then I do not see a reason you can not get an outside job. It sounds to me you have given him everything, including your identity. I don't always believe in ultimatums, but I think in this case one is due. I would tell him to go with you to counseling for more than 1 session, or you are going to leave. Of course before you issue it make sure you have a place to go.
Other than emotional abuse, does he get physical? You may want to find a womans shelter to see how much help they can give you. Here they will get you into an apartment as long as you can show means of supporting yourself. If not they have a wonderful shelter until you can get on you 2 feet again.

My marriage is not perfect, but we share in ALL household duties. We do the bills together, he helps with the house on his days off. He does not belittle me & make empty promises.
Good luck.

By Emily7 on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 05:11 pm:

I agree with Vicki...call the doctor chest pains should not be ignored.

By Anonymous on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 05:16 pm:

Well, certainly not in this situation. Truthfully, I can't imagine being with another man. I know there are good men out there but I thought I had a good one in the begining too. When the last promise was made, to cut down the spending, which was 2 weeks ago, I had hope. I could forgive him for his nasty words as he works very hard (workaholic) his choice, so I keep using this as an excuse for his behavior...but I see the effects on my eldest son, you are right about learning from his dad how to treat women. I feel the effects on my body and now mental health. I'm feeling I've failed my eldest by staying, now I have 2 more kds from this man. In 10 years I want to be with my children, happy and healthy, that's all. As for my self esteem, self worth, it's never been very good, abuse from childhood so I have alot of issues already to deal with. I know this is why I'm so scared, I don't think I can make it on my own....lots of anxiety. I know, small steps is best for now. I cannot wait to talk to a counsellor, which will be soon. I just hope he doesn't make life miserable for us until then, I have even considered going to a women's shelter. Even though I think other women need them more than I. I have to really consider my children. It's tough. I'm so scared I am going to hurt them mentally. It's devastating. I am going to quit my babysitting job, and I know my dh will be really mad about that, but how can he think I can look after someone's else's child under this much stress, not fare to anyone. You see this is his expectations of me. He twists things around and manipulates things, then later he says that he was just angry. Promises get broken to other people because of him and he accuses me of screwing things up....Such a long story...Sorry to go on.

By Irene on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 05:28 pm:

How does your husband figure that this is all your fault? What is his reasoning? You said he complains that you’re “whining.” Is there any truth to that? You definitely have made a case that your husband is very selfish. Going out and buying another snowmobile is pretty “in your face” if you’re trying to save money. But they always say, “You can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself”, and I’m trying to picture what he could possibly be thinking. I have no idea, but if you do tend to complain about a lot of things, the really important complaints could get lost. Therefore, I think you should boil down your problem to its essence. Maybe formulate it into one sentence. Think about it for a long time. Think about supporting evidence for this one thing. Don’t throw in the kitchen sink, just keep it simple. There are things that are annoying, and things you won’t stand for…don’t mix them together or you will lose.

Once you have it figured out, with all of the arguments and evidence (be ready with really good examples), calmly present it to your husband. Don’t do it right in the middle of an argument. Be ready to admit whatever it is that you do wrong, but don’t let that pull you off track. If he says, “There you go complaining again,” say, “Yes, I probably complain to much about ABC, and I’m going to work on that, but XYZ is really unacceptable.” Resist the temptation to put every complaint out there. Try to fix one thing. Do not exaggerate, or he won’t listen. Do not get whiny. Do not try to use the kids. Just the facts. If he says, “Yeah, but I do this and that for the family,” give him that. Say, “You’re right, and I really appreciate that, but XYZ is not acceptable.” Stay on the one point. It’s easier to try to fix one thing, if you know what it is, and what can be done to fix it. It’s like the difference between telling a kid “Go clean up your room,” and “Go hang up your clothes and make your bed.” One seems overwhelming, the other seems like it can be done. Good luck (hugs).

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 05:51 pm:

I agree with all who say get into counseling and think about getting out of a bad marriage. The only "good" point you list is that he is a workaholic, which, you say, is his choice.

Seems to me this is a very one-sided relationship, bad for you, bad for your health, and bad for your kids.

Where DO you want to be 10 years from now? I asked myself that question and left a marriage of 19 years with three kids.

By Colette on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 06:48 pm:

(((anon))) You've gotten a lot of good advice. Try and take it one step at a time. Good luck.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 06:52 pm:

There has been great advice here so far. One thing I might add is that *both* you and your DH *want* to have to make this work for counseling to be effective. You could go to counseling and your DH may not want to change. So you need to find out if he's willing to make this work. I think he needs to understand where you are today about wondering where you will. Maybe if he sees that you are at the end and are ready to leave it might spark something in his mind.

Good luck to you, your DH and your family. I hope this is just a bump in a long, smooth road. (((HUGS)))

By Katherine on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 07:05 pm:

Also, if he makes good money and you don't, do you realize how much he would have to pay in child support for 3 kids and alimony?

You could afford to get out if that is what you really want to do. And getting back into the work force at 38 would be scary, but, maybe there is something for you that you would enjoy and the social interaction with other adults would be refreshing.

There are programs for women who need to develop work skills after staying home and raising kids.

By Kim on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 07:13 pm:

Chest pain could be indicitive of panic or anxiety disorder. You are under a LOT of stress. Some of this sounds familiar to me. I can see that he twists it around, as mine did, so that it is *you* that has the problem. Abusers are very good at that. It sounds to me like he might be verbally/mentally abusive. Controlling, spending issues, all red flags of a larger problem within his person. I don't think one person having control of the money is a good thing unless *both* people agree on it. He tells you to leave? That's not good at all. My oldest son totally emulated my ex and still does. He became almost as abusive as his dad. Anon, I was afraid to be alone with kids also. I am 36. I am not going to lie. ITS HARD. But it IS possible and for me it is totally worth not being with him anymore. My children act totally different and there isn't the constant nervousness and strife and chaos. They have their problems, but I believe they are so much better. My ex almost killed me. If you ever think of hurting yourself, and please don't take that wrong I am not saying you would, get out and get help! You sound as desperate as I was. Your kids need you to be strong! I agree with the babysitting too. If it is so stressful in your house it will probably affect your work also. I don't think I could watch kids in my home! I feel for you. PLEASE keep us posted!

By Kristie on Friday, October 29, 2004 - 12:35 am:

((((anon))))
It does sound like he is manipulating you. You are makeing just as many excuses for his behavior as he is!! I don't want to seem harsh because that IS NOT what you need but I watched my mom do the same thing for my Dad. They didn't divorce till I was 17 and I wish she would have left sooner cuz I thought the way my dad treated my mom was normal. When I got into relationships as I got older I let the same thing happen. You learn by your parents marriage what a relationship is suppose to be like. You don't want your children to think this is the "right way". It took me along time to realize that I deserve respect and love and all that stuff you see in movies!! Now I have it, and thankfully mom does too with my stepdad.
You don't have to leave and get with another man. You need to be happy with yourself and love you again before anyone else will be able to. And there is nothing wrong with just being alone! But no matter what, whether you stay or go you have to make you happy, and don't stand for anything that dosen't point you toward self happiness. Please keep us informed. I'm really worried about you.

By Feona on Friday, October 29, 2004 - 08:11 am:

He sounds horrible. I would figure something out.

By Kernkate on Friday, October 29, 2004 - 08:36 am:

{{{Anon}}}} What a terrible situation to be in. You have been given some great advice. Get to your doctor and have you chest pains checked out.

By Anonymous on Friday, October 29, 2004 - 11:56 am:

Thank you all. As you can imagine your posts have been very helpful. I haven't spoke to dh since posting. He has been out doing, who knows. He is sleeping so I will see what today brings. Your advice has been helpful, I'm even thinking yes he would have to support the children so I would not be in the streets so to speak. I will keep you posted,I love you all for caring as it gives me hope and is so helpful and enlightening. Thank you!

By Anonymous on Friday, October 29, 2004 - 12:08 pm:

Irene, you are so right. I probably do, do exactly as you said. Everything comes out within 1 argument sort of like a snowball effect. Things just build and build. We argue, come to an agreement and continue living until the agreement or promise or whatever is broken. Then it starts all over again. Same thing, same problems, viscious circle and I am a very forgiving kind of person. I believe him and go on living. No social life etc. I go shopping, babysit, look after my children. Basically that is about it. The odd time I do get a day to myself IF my oldest will babysit. It is very rare dh watches the kds as he has to much "work" to do, outside of his full time job. He creates work for himself that is not normal in my opinion and I am the one and the dks that has to "wait" until one day we have enough money or time to do family things. Not to say we never do, but it is far and few between. I do like your suggestions alot and will consider and try to keep little petty things at bay, and try to keep a calm attitude when discussing the important issues. Thanks.