I resently posted about my DH and his DD being re-united after almost 8 yrs of seperation.So far,everything is going great!!We've been with her several times;have been with ex and spouse,and that has been great also.Our dilema is this.As is to be expected,DD has problems stemming from past.She's being very open to us concerning her feelings and actions.She is very permiscuious with men,and has been with several.Her mom and step-dad knows about this.But she told us last night about this new guy that she is talking to,which she hasn't met yet in person,she "met"him on a singles phone line,Also,she is 20,and he is 34.All of the men that she is interested in are always much older than her.Question.Do we tell her mom and step-dad about how she "met"this guy?DH wants her to feel that she can tell him anything that she wants to (build a relationship)and trust him.Also,should DH simply call mr.34 yr old and tell him to stay away from DD ?Would that be too strong so soon in the relationship?

By Christylee on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:41 am:

That is a hard one... You don't want DD to feel as though she can't trust her dad that she's just starting to get to know. I think if it were me I'd wait and see where it went, she's an adult and they're only talking at this point. Do you know if she's being upfront with the 34 year old on her age? Are they planning on meeting? I also don't think I'd tell mom and step-dad just yet again for the whole trust reason, she's still gettting to know her dad and he doesn't want to be known as a "snitch" when it very well could be nothing besides talking on the phone.

DH and I met on an online website, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. We talked for several months online and over the phone before meeting in person, from that day one we've been inseperable. Just letting you know that they (online services, etc) aren't all bad, it's in the way they are used or people not being truthful in them that make them possibly be bad.

Good luck, I know all about families trying to rebuild after years. DH is going through it now and my mom went through it some years ago.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:41 am:

Let me just say that her choice of men is *probably* at least partially due to her not having her dad in her life. This is very common, by seeking out older men, she is actually seeking that love and acceptance she didn't have from her dad. BTDT, personally, but that's another story.

It seems obvious to me she needs some therapy. It would probably be a good idea for her to go to therapy/counseling with her Dad.

IMO, 34 is too old for a 20 year old. I'm not saying that's ALWAYS the case, but since you state above that ALL of the men she is interested in are much older than she is, that indicates that she seeks out older men for a REASON.

As for meeting men on a singles line, she's not a child, so there's really nothing you can do about them. I don't think your DH has the right to call the man about this relationship due to his DD's age either, and the fact that DH has just recently been reunited with DD. However, in establishing his *new* relationship with her, hopefully he'll be able to give her good fatherly advice at some point, and the relationship will develop into a solid, trusting, secure one, and her choices in men will reflect that.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:42 am:

IMO, I think any man that wants anything to do with a 20 year old in a sexual way has major mental problems! Thats a 14 year gap, what could they possibly have in common?!?!?! And from what i've read men go after these young "inexperienced" girls hoping they are virgins or aren't "loose" like women their age. Sorry for the harsh examples but i've read a lot about this after my 18 year old sister was caught sleeping with a 28 year old. I would have your DH call this guy and tell him a few words and leave it like that. What is she doing on singles phone chats anyways? She young and has her whole future ahead of her. I'm sure she doesn't need to go searching for men right now.

By Vicki on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:42 am:

Wow, this is tough. I hate being the first to respond to something because someone else could say something to make me rethink myself. LOL

But, at this point, I think your dh needs to take a step back. She isn't his little girl, she is a grown woman at the age of 20. He can't turn back the hands of time and somehow "father" her. In my opinion, it would be just plain wrong of him to be calling a man and telling him to stay away from his 20 year old daughter, at least at this point. She is a grown woman and has the right to make any choice she wants to. Of course, she is also going to have to live with result of her choices too. I think at this point the best thing he can do is listen to her and offer her words of wisdom and concern and maybe even a little moral talking too. He can certainly tell her why it isn't in her best interest to be meeting men this way and so on, but I don't think it is in his (or her) best interest to be telling her mom on her. Like I said, she is grown and can make her own choices.

By Vicki on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:43 am:

LOL...well, when I first starting typing, I was the first to respond. LOL Now that comment looks just plain silly!! LOL

By Tink on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 12:25 pm:

I agree with Karen and Vicki at this point. She is a big girl and has to make her own choices. I also think she and your DH should go to therapy together. This is an unusual situation and, potentially, there could be all kinds of landmines to be maneuvering around. They are going to have to forge a relationship of father daughter as adults and any help they can get will make that adjustment easier.

By Palmbchprincess on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 02:29 pm:

I agree with Vicki and Cori. She's an adult and there is nothing you can do. I only say this because I'm only 2 years older than her, and regardless of the decisions I make, my parents are not going to "step in". I may ask for their advice, and I'm much more open with them than I was as a teen, but I would feel very violated and angry if they called someone I was dating, or tried to influence it directly. (I'm NOT saying she is making the RIGHT decision, just that it's hers to make!)

By Melana on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 07:07 pm:

I agree with most of the women here, it's her decision, and if it were me I'd be very angry about any one stepping in. I remember saying something to my dad when he came back into my life when I was thirteen. He was trying to be a daddy, and I didn't think he had the right, even at thirteen, he had never been there from about 6 on up, and I told him that the best he could hope for was a decent friendship, but that he had no more rights to try and be a parent, that he'd given that up a long time ago. Now I know that your situation is very different from mine, your dh didn't want to not be there for her, it was just a bad situation all around, but she will still see it that way if you do this. I'd say let him talk with her, tell her his views on what she's doing, and leave it at that, but do not try to call this guy, or her mom and step-dad, that's just going to push her away. I also think the two of them should get some therapy.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 10:46 pm:

I agree, not his place to involve anyone else. If he has concerns he should air them with her and her alone. She is an adult and he should treat her and this situation remembering that. And I agree someone to talk to about her childhood etc. with her dad would probably be a very good idea.

By Wandilu on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:19 pm:

Thank you all for your input.He didn't call the guy.She actually met the guy tonight,so time will tell.Dh has already suggested to her that he very much wants to go to councelling with her.She has a coun.but I don't think she keeps all of her appts.I feel really good about things.When we were at the restaurant last night,he had his arm around her, and she had her head on his shoulder with her eyes closed, and his head was laying against her head.They both looked so peaceful,I almost started to cry.