ok first of all I am going to go Anon for reason being ...DH ex-wife could be a snoop on the computer. I am sure most of you will know who I am by my post.
As most of you know my DSS passed away in Dec. of 2003 his birthday is Thursday, so its a tough week for DH, DSD, DS's. First of all DH's Ex did not bury the ashes from DSS and she has them at her house. DH is very upset about this has been since funeral(long story)but DH doesn't know what to do for Josh's birthday...usually you would go to the cemetery place flowers at the grave. We did put a poem in the paper, the one I have one the youngest angels board, but what else can I and the rest of the family do to remember Josh. I feel so helpless for DH , he said last night "What am I suppose to do go and put flowers on her doorstep to remember Josh for his birthday??" Just doesn't seem fair to DH.Maybe a balloon release with the kids...I am lost. Thursday is going to be a tough day for all of us so I need some advice???
TIA

By Conni on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 10:53 am:

Bless your heart. I can certainly see dh's point. That is a tough one. I am so sorry you all are having to go thru this.

The only things that come to mind are:

1) Talk to the ex about this honestly and let her know how you are feeling. *Maybe* she will think about how selfish she is being.

2) Have a celebration of his life on Thursday. Prepare his favorite foods, get out the old home movies, pictures, some of his awards/trophies, etc... Sit around the table remembering him and put your flowers on the table. Maybe have everyone write down one thing they loved about him and take turns reading them at dinner. Have his favorite type of bday cake.

3) I think the balloon release is a great idea. Especially for the younger kids. Or you could all donate to a charity in his name.

(((Hugs))) Anon.

By Insaneusmcwife on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 10:56 am:

I think Conni has a lot of good ideas! {{{hugs}}}

By Emily7 on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:03 am:

Celebrate him in your heart.
You can get a funeral plot & stone without having him there if you need someplace to see.
He isn't in the urn, he is in your heart.
Conni does have some great ideas & hopefully when your dh's ex is ready she will bury him.
(((Hugs)))
You are a great mom & wife!

By Tonya on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:16 am:

I think releasing baloons at the park with little notes on each balloon from each person would be wonderful.

Tell your Dh to talk to EX and explain to her his feelings. I know this might sound awful to some people but what about splitting the ashes in half. Go back to teh funeral home and ask them to do this for you. They will charge you for the second urn but in the long run it might be worth it for him to feel better. I know people who have done this.

By Fraggle on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:17 am:

I think Conni's ideas are nice. Just to give a different perspective, my DH lost his father to cancer before we were married. His father was buried in a cemetary close to where his mom lives. DH has never been to the cemetary and never will go, not because it is too hard for him, just because he feels like his father isn't there. He knows he can talk with his father anywhere-it doesn't have to be at a gravesite.

Until, she decides to bury Josh, could you guys make another spot to remember him-maybe in a garden-you could bring/plant flowers there instead?

I'll be sending lots of prayers your way on Thursday.

By Rayanne on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:25 am:

I like the idea of a ballon release. My friend went to a funeral for her cousin and they did this after the end of the song of 99 Red Balloons. They let go of 99 red balloons too. {{{{{ANON}}}}}

By Vicki on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:34 am:

I love Connis second idea. I think too many times we focus on the sad part of remembering someone instead of the happy times we had with them. I think a birthday dinner in honor of him would be great. Maybe after the dinner, you could all go out back for a moment of silence and let balloons go for him.

By Tink on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 12:41 pm:

I also love Conni's second idea. When my mom lost a son at birth, they planted a tree on the first anniversary of his birth and death and had a small stone made for him. This gave my mom somewhere to "visit" him. She ended up putting in a gazebo and park bench and it became a favorite area of her yard. Just an idea. Lots of hugs. I'm sorry that there is just one more difficulty when this is such a difficult time already.

By Trina~moderator on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 01:02 pm:

I don't have any suggestions that haven't already been mentioned, but wanted to send cyber {{{HUGS}}}.

By Debbie on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 01:18 pm:

What about planting a tree in your yard in his honor? I have a neighbor who lost a child. She planted a tree and made a little garden around it with a bench. It is in the back corner of her yard. This is were she goes and sits when she feels she needs to be close to her.

I also like Conni's idea of a celebration of life.

{{{{hugs to you and your family}}}} I can't not even image what you are going through.

By Truestori on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 05:23 pm:

This must be so hard. I know it must feel selfish that his mom hasn't "buried" him yet. I think the celebration in his honor would be awesome. Maybe even invite some of his close friends. Cook and enjoy what he loved and just remember him as he was when he was living. (A wonderful young man with some great parents.)

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 06:19 pm:

This is so selfish.

Can your DH arrange for flowers to be put on the altar at your church in honor/memory of his son? I do that every year for my parents and my brother, as do many others in our church. We simply arrange it through the church office and the florist sends us the bill that would normally go to the church. And a notice is put in the bulletin:

The flowers on the altar today are in memory of XXX, beloved son of XXXX.

By Vicki on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 07:08 pm:

I can see why some of you are calling this selfish, but I tend to feel very sorry for this lady. To me, it sounds like this is her way of hanging onto her son. I highly doubt she is trying to be selfish! I think it is very sad. Has she been through any grief counseling or anything? Has your dh and her talked about a final resting place for him, or does she just want to keep the ashes in the urn? Maybe it would be a nice time to either bury the ashes or spread them in a place that was special to him? I feel very bad for the whole family. I would never want to be in her shoes. Like I said, I don't think she is trying to be selfish as much as she is trying to hang onto her son.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 04:26 pm:

Thanks everyone, all you are truly great people
I did order balloons,and myself,DH,DS,DD and DSD will have dinner tomorrow night together Josh's favorite lasagna (sp}.
Vicki I do understand what you are saying about the EX...I can't say she is selfish, I have never and hope I never am in her place to lose a 18 year old child, or a child of any age.
Josh was suppose to be buried with DH's mom ,dad, and grandparents, that was the original plans until the night of the viewing then EX asked Dave {DH} if he would mind if Josh was cremated and Dave said he had no objection to that thinking he would still be buried...its to long of a story but she has his ashes in an urn on his bed. Who knows maybe someday she will decide to bury him...until then we can only find ways to celebrate his life.
Once again thank all of you for listening to me.
Say a prayer for Josh tomorrow for his birthday.
Thanks
Kathy

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 04:58 pm:

Is there any reason why your dh's son's name and dates cannot be added to the family grave stone, or a separate marker added? I know this is done when sailors are lost at sea. If your dh wants a place to "put flowers" (by which I am sure he means to have a touchpoint for his memories), would this serve?

By Kernkate on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 12:05 am:

Ginny that is something to think about...I might be a old timer...but when somebody died they were buried and we as so I say paid there respect at the grave for birthdays , holidays, etc. Times are changing so fast, and I guess for myself and DH, its something we have to deal with.
There are so many different issues with it...

By Kernkate on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 12:10 am:

Didn't post Anon on that because I am sure most of you know by now who I am and ...and thanks for all your support. Say a prayer for Josh now...its his 19th birthday.
Love all you at momsview...you are the best for support!!!

By Annie2 on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 12:23 am:

I know this will not help for your his birthday tomorrow but dh should tell ex he wants the ashes split so he can bury, scatter or keep them in a specail place in which he has access.

With my parents we cremated them and buried them together, as per their wishes. With MIL we buried some in family plot, scattered some in several special places and kept some at home. Which I really wish I kept some of my mom and dad. It's a real comfort to know mil is here in body and soul.

Just a thought. Hugs for you and family for tomorrow.

By Janet on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 10:08 am:

Oh, that is so sad that she keeps his ashes on his bed... I can't say how I would react to a child's death (pray God I never know), but it doesn't sound like she's dealing with the loss in a healthy manner. And so sad for your DH not to have that closure, either. I love the tree planting idea, and the balloon release, and all of the ideas! I am sending thoughts and prayers to your family today. {{{HUGS}}}

By Kim on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 07:41 pm:

I had thought the same thing as Annie.....would she be willing to give some of the ashes to your dh? It might help some.


HUGS top you and DH on this very hard day!

By Theresa_Momma on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 11:42 pm:

Kathy~ I don't know if your family is religious(SP) but in our family, it is our tradition (I am catholic) to have mass that weekend said in their name. I know tradtion sounds kinda bad, but my grandma has lost two children, a son in law and a sister in law, and her parents, and all of my dad's siblings and my grandma have the mass said for them on the same weekend. I think its kinda neat in a weird way. Maybe that all came out wrong, sorry if it did.