Sisterly bonding
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive February 2008:
Sisterly bonding
Well I wish it was about something happier but I'm developing a relationship with my sister. We were never at each others throats or super close. My parents cancelled her wedding more or less. They said girls who get pregnant don't get a big party since it's embarassing for the family. Sigh. She's only 7 weeks, she and her bf have been living together for nearly 2 years.....but that's my mom for you. She cares more about appearances to virtual strangers than the emotional well being of her children.
My sister has come to understand where I've been coming from all these years. She was here for hours yesterday. I'm sorry things are the way they are but I can take things less personally from my mom now. It isn't me, she's just a jerk.
I am beyond excited about the babies!!
I glad your sister has you to lean on. It is tough when you don't see eye to eye with anyone in your family.
I will say however, I agree with your mom here. Ultimately I think big weddings are not a wise choice of money spent in the first place. But with upcoming costs of a baby it seems even less wise. Besides really the marriage is what matters, not the ceremony. I do think they should take a great honeymoon though, pretty soon they won't have that chance. And it is really important to have some really strong times to lean on when starting a family.
I just have two things to say here...
1) Everything happens for a reason. (you were reallyyyyy down about this and now things are kind of turning around)
2) It makes no sense to me, to be *ok* with your dd *living in sin* if you will w/a man, and fine with throwing a big wedding...and when she gets preggers they get upset?? LOL That is twisted. Sorry...
(((Hugs)))
It's so good to hear that there is something so good coming from your mom and sister not getting along. I know it must be such a weight off your shoulders!
For once, I disagree with Kaye. No matter whether there is or isn't a baby involved, two people deciding to join their lives together is something to celebrate. I believe that it's very hypocritical to plan a wedding with all the bells and whistles until a pregnancy is announced. Practically, any money your sister was going to spend on the wedding would be better spent on the baby but it doesn't sound as though your mom is going to welcome the baby with open arms (and wallet) so it isn't as though the money budgeted for the wedding will be spent on the new child. I'm sorry that your mom isn't happier about her new grandchild but it really will be her loss if she lets this poison her relationship.
If I understand correctly, your mom was pregnant prior to marriage. It seems insane that she is punishing her children for the same mistakes she made. Was she unable to have her own wedding? Perhaps she is forcing her old hurts onto her own children?
Regardless her reasoning, I am sorry she is treating her children like this!
I believe everyone deserves a wedding. It does seem that your mother is unlikely to spend the wedding $ on the grandchildren. It is a very sad situation!
((((((hugs))))))
You're right Tink, the money isn't going to be spent on the new grandchild. I'm sure my mom will get a nice shower gift but she isn't one to get excited about grandkids for some reason. She loves them I know it's just the way she is. I could understand if my sister found out she was pregnant, then decided to get married and wanted them to come up with all this money. They've already planned it though and it's really the way my parents put things that are upsetting my sister. I completely understand. At first they tell her to decide what they want to do and they decide to leave things as is. She is happy to be pregnant and was planning on ttc immediately after the wedding anyway. Her dress style will allow for her growth most likely. My mom wasn't expecting her to want to do that and goes nuts about what a shame my sister is bringing on this family. Then they tell her to scale it down OR move it up. Then they decide to cancel everything. It went from a sit down dinner for 200 to no reception and only immediate family in attendance if they depend solely on my parents input. Here's the kicker, they are offering to give my brother and his girlfriend a nice wedding if they would just hurry up and get married before they have the baby. Oh I could write a book! My mother's hypocrisy knows no limits.
I'm really trying to just be there for my sister all around. I know about dealing with our mom and I know about being a young mom. I'm trying to help her get a back up plan for possibly staying at home since she knows her feelings about that might change when the baby gets here. I am teaching her my couponing ways lol!
Oh Yvonne I missed your post! You're exactly right. My mom says she is doing this because that is how her parents treated her. Hmmmm, she was recently telling me I needed to get over the way I was treated by her ten years ago when I got married. I think she needs to get over the way she was treated 28 years ago! It's so odd. I guarantee I have learned some things to NOT do to my kids from my mother, I am not setting out to repeat them simply because it's how I was treated.
I'm glad that you and your sister are getting close because of this. Like Conni said, everything happens for a reason. I think it's crazy to plan a wedding and then call it off simply because the bride is pregnant. I think that's insane as well! If they mutually agree that it's not a wise way to spend money at this point in time, that's completely different, but it doesn't sound as if that is the case.
I'm sorry for your sister. Your parents obviously didn't have a problem with her living with her boyfriend for 2 years and were planning to throw her a big wedding, but apparently they thought they were living together and NOT having sex?? Anyone having sex can get pregnant! I'm glad that you are there for her. It sounds like your mother is making her feel badly for conceiving with the man she was marrying to begin with, and that's just wrong.
Rayelle, I have learned that since you cannot change what people say or do - even if they are your immediate family - you CAN change your reaction to it and how you let it affect your life.
Whether or not I, or you, or anyone else agrees or disagrees with what your parents are doing, that is their choice. I don't think I'd have made the same choice they have made - considering that they were OK with your sister living with her husband-to-be and were giving her a wedding anyway, if it were me, I would still give my daughter a wedding.
What I see is, your mom must have felt some shame and guilt at some point, when she was pregnant when she got married, and that may be why appearances are so important to her, and that's where her hyprocisy comes in. My mom was much the same way, she was always worried about what everyone else would think of her or of us, and she wanted the world to see us as a perfect, happy little family, when we were anything but that, and had real issues and real problems JUST LIKE ANY OTHER family.
What your mom is failing to see is that her words and actions are hurting her own daughters, just as she herself must have been hurt. This isn't something you have any control over. I feel badly for your sister, and for you for the bad feelings you have concerning your mother.
But what I see is that you and your sister have each other to lean on, and you can love and support each other unconditionally and honestly, and hopefully find a way to heal from the things your mother has said or done to you both.
The hurt is there, you can't change that. But you can take steps to not allow yourself to be hurt in this way again by your mother. Biology doesn't give you license to treat people badly, just because you're related.
I agree that your MOM has the problem stemming from her own past, and maybe she feels history repeating itself. I think a little compassion and understanding and support would go a long way, and that is probably what your sister needs most right now. It's obviously she won't get it from your mom, but she can get it from you.
I wish the best for you both.
Wow. I say she should just have a fairly large wedding, invite all of your mom's friends and extended family and go for it. Your mom will see the happy reactions from others and realize that she is the one that is petty.
Your sister had her hopes up high and I feel for both of you...maybe you and your DH could renew your vows and they could get married at the same time and split the cost?  Just an idea.
We also did a "money dance" and used it for our honeymoon. We got over $800...maybe they could use it for new baby things???
That *is* exciting there is going to be a new baby!!! You guys must be getting so close now. I just hope your sister isn't resenting the pregnancy. How far along is she?
She just found out. She is due September 15th. My brother's baby is due August 12th. I wish for healthy babies first and foremost but if I could I'll take a boy and a girl please !
She is not at all resentful about the pregnancy, at least not when it comes to the wedding I know. I'm sure she'll have the normal ups and downs you face with any major life change with pregnancy hormones thrown in but she is very happy. She has always wanted kids and enjoyed children so I'm sure she will be a great mom. Her husband to be is a very nice guy and I've always said they were meant for each other!
I'll always be open to the idea of having a close relationship with my mother. I've come to accept the fact that isn't likely and it isn't me. With circumstances being what they are it makes what I've been through worth it if it makes me able to be there for my sister and develop a close bond with her.
I responded to your earlier post before I read this one.
I sorry your mother uses money to try to control you and your siblings. My sisters and I became closer after we all grew up (I'm about 10 years younger than them). I hope it works out for you.
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