Again! Ok, this may be long!! When we first started dating, he cheated on me, and I dumped him. He begged me back, and straightened up, we went on with our lives, and he has been a good DH and father. Lately he's been wanting sex a lot more than me, and we fight about it all the time. We're in our 20s, (he's closer to 30) and he always tells me "Wait until you're in your sexual prime and *I* don't want any, then you'll know what it feels like!!" It's been making me sick to fight about sex all the time, and I've not been sleeping well for weeks. Well, I've been so fed up that, in arguments, I've told him to find someone on the side, and leave me alone. I guess he did. He kissed and fondled a co-worker, apparently she had been going on and on about how much she liked sex, and how she cheats on her DH, and that led to a kiss and such. I'm crushed. I'm really posting this to vent and get support, because there is no real solution for me right now. I'm a SAHM, I have no family to go to, and 2 small children to take care of. We don't have health insurance, too expensive, so counseling. So I just deal with it. I can't satisfy my DH as often as he needs, and I'm at the point where I don't care how he gets it, as long as he stops bugging me EVERY night, and stops making me miserable by fighting with me over it. I am pretty sure I have the worst marriage around, and I'm stuck! Thanks for listening, I really needed to get that off my chest!!

By Vicki on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 10:37 am:

Wow... I have no idea what to say except that I am sorry this is happening to you. Even though you did tell him to go out and find someone else (I am pretty sure that you weren't serious about that) he never should have done it!! Although, reading it again, I see this at the bottom...


I can't satisfy my DH as often as he needs, and I'm at the point where I don't care how he gets it, as long as he stops bugging me EVERY night, and stops making me miserable by fighting with me over it.

If this is really how you feel, than I guess I am not realizing what you need. Maybe just to get it all out. There are people that have "open" marriages, but I could never be one of those. Is that what you really want out of your marriage??

By Rayanne on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 10:43 am:

I am kind of lost. Are you upset that he found someone else or what? I'm sorry that this happened to you, but I still am confused. (((((HUGS)))))

By Emily7 on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 10:51 am:

It sickens me when I hear people in a crappy marriage say that I don't have any where else to go. Do you think you deserve to be belittled & treated that way. Marriage vows are supposed to be taken seriously, he didn't do that. You shouldn't stay in a marriage because there may not be anything better out there. He must have done a great job on you to make you think it is your fault that he is cheating & to make you think you can't do better. If you have little boys do you want them growing up thinking that it is oaky to treat women like that? If you have little girls do you want them to think that it is normal to be treated like crap. Start the steps of fixing your marriage by going to therapy together or start the steps to leaving him, but don't let him treat you like this. You are BETTER than that & you DESERVE better than that. I hope that he doesn't bring home something to you.

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 10:55 am:

Wow! This will only get worse! You cannot be in a committed relationship, and then give the other person permission to fool around. If you really meant it when you told him to find sex elsewhere, then you have to accept the consequences. Sorry, but that's the way I feel about it. You can't expect him NOT to do that if you told him to, so if he did what you told him to do about it, then you shouldn't be feeling upset about it.

That's not going to solve your problem either. If he's fooling around now, it's only going to continue. How do you feel about that? And aside from the emotional consequences of this, aren't you afraid of him bringing home a *gift that keeps on giving*???

Please, try to find some counseling that's on a fee-sliding scale or something. If you two love each other and are committed to this relationship, neither of you should be *getting it* outside of the marriage. You need help dealing with this. And, I have to say, if he can't go a day without an orgasm, he's got 2 good hands he can use, or you can, for that matter!

By Kernkate on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:11 am:

Rayanne I am also a bit confused....
This is JMHO But I would never say to my DH
"I've told him to find someone on the side, and leave me alone." OMG I could never imagine it.
Sounds like the both of you have some serious issues to content with. I agree with Karen counseling may be a good start some how, some way.
Best of Luck.

By Truestori on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:16 am:

It sounds to me that your husband is only thinking about his needs and being insensitive to yours! If you have two small children then he needs to take into consideration that you may be tired, your hormones could be off or maybe you just don't need sex as often as him. Now, granted I wouldn't have given my husband permission to go mess around but I'm sure he is smart enough to realize you were just upset at the time.Don't let him guilt you into having sex or not having it. That isn't fair. Have you looked at your marriage and evaluated if this is the only reason he is upset? How did you find out that he did this?
Many e~hugs hailing in from California!!!

By Tink on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:18 am:

Lots and lots and lots of HUGS! Never a situation I want to be in and I'm so sorry that you are finding yourself here. DH and I jokingly say that we need someone on the side when one of us isn't in the mood. That doesn't mean that either of us would act on it! You deserve better and he is a slimeball! I understand the feeling of helplessness about the situation though. I hope things get better! {{{Anon}}}

By Andi on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:20 am:

I agree with Karen 100%..as usual.

I know from experience that you can get free counseling from your local College. When DH and were dating we didn't have much money or health insurance and needed couples counseling. SDSU had a program where you could get free counseling but the students could observe through a two way mirror. That gave the Graduate students a chance to see "how it's done" and it was a great way for DH and I to get the help we needed, for FREE.

I think if you really want your marriage to work you will find any means to save it. Even if you have to go to a Marriage counselor and make payments. Most of them work on a sliding scale and will help you any way they can with the payment. Where there is a will there is a way.

Good Luck.

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:22 am:

I'm sorry your going through this. My Dh was and still is like that now (very sexual). I couldnt handle it and it was making me unhappy. We came to a compromise. He enjoyed it probably 5-6 times a week and I was enjoying it maybe once or twice. So we came to the arrangement that as long as it were about 4 times a week he couldnt give me a hard time and if he were really in the need there were other things I could do. So far its worked great and im not sure whats changed in him but he really doesnt seem to mind if I say no every so often.

I remember in a few "discussions" with DH telling him out of anger to go elsewhere and leave me alone. He *knew* I didnt mean it and if he reacted on it i'd be gone faster than he could imagine. I dont think your DH took your advice, im sure he would have done it regardless.

Do you attend church? If so talk to a pastor. Look into resources for free counseling. Do something! As a SAHM, what are you teaching your children by allowing this to happen? If I were your child I think you would be teaching me that you dont respect yourself enough to do something about it so why should anyone else respect you. You are better than that.

And im not one who agrees that women should give into men and that they have higher sex drives and *need* it. That a bunch of BS to me, an excuse for men to get pleasure whenever. But..... a marriage is based on a lot of compromising. If your having sex once a month because thats what you want, your being selfish and not giving your share into that part of the marriage. If your giving it to him 7 days a week because thats what he wants, hes being selfish and your giving in too easily without recognizing your feelings. So somewhere in there you need to compromise. Let him know what you could realistically handle and he needs to let you know that on days that your not in the mood, you or he could satisfy himself in other ways.

I know im blabbering but im sitting here in a BTDT situation that wasnt long ago at all (except he didnt go elsewhere with this problem). I know you posted anon but if you need to talk you can email me. Its in my profile. (((HUGS)))

By Missmudd on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:23 am:

I know that you dont have insurance, you might want to try your local public mental health, I think that provide services on a sliding scale according to your income. Are you involved in a church? They may be able to help, maybe the whole God thing may shake him up a bit. If so is your pastor a male? Your DH may pay more attention especially if your dh is the type that needs to hear it from another man before it sinks in. I will be hoping and praying w/ for you and your family.

By Janet on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:29 am:

I really don't think she meant it literally... who would? I've said some pretty awful things in the heat of battle and definitely didn't mean them. He had no right to cheat, no matter what she said to him, IMHO. At issue here is the "need" for sex and the difference in sex drives. I don't buy the perceived notion that men are these uncontrollable sex machines that will either get it at home or go elsewhere. This is what separates us from animals. Self-control. My own dh is perfectly capable of controlling himself from jumping anything that moves, even if something has caused a glitch in our sex life (like having children, illness, being exhausted), and I see no reason for any man to do likewise. Of course, now you've got this other, bigger issue to contend with. I hope you can get some good counseling and work it out. In the meantime, you've definitely got to protect yourself, now that he's chosen to put himself and you at risk. What an incredibly selfish thing to do! Condoms or nothing. Have him tested for STDs. Good luck.

By Kristie on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 12:45 pm:

I'm wondering also how you found out about the co-worker and him. Did he tell you? If so, may-be he was makeing it up to see how you would react if he really did fool around. My DH and I have diffrent sex drives also but he never complains if he dosen't get any. He just never turns it down when I am in the mood or not in alot of pain. I haven't ever been in your situation but my bestest friend has and she always forgives her DH (D dosent mean dear) and he always promises to never do it again and he ALWAYS does it again. They have been to counseling, talked to pastors, everything you can think of. She got pelvic inflamitory disease and chlamidia from him and still stays. I hope you wont do that because it will slowly destroy your self esteam. I really hope you take some of the advice that you have goten here and realize that this is HIS problem. And if he thought you were seriouse when you said go find someone else on the side my guess is he already had something on the side and now thinks he has permission to cheat. I send you hugs and prayers. Good luck!!

By Mommyathome on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 01:25 pm:

Ditto Karen.

This will only get worse, and lead to other things. I really think that it needs to be stopped now. Get some help, from somewhere.

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 01:33 pm:

I don't have any advice just {{{hugs}}}. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.

By Natesmom on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 02:43 pm:

I don't think you have any room to be upset because u told him to find someone else on the side. If you are letting him cheat on you not only are you disrespecting yourself but your allowing your committment as a married couple to be broken. so why stay married? Is it because you don'twant to be alone with all the responsibilities or....? I just don't understand why this would be happening for a second time around. I think you need to set some limits and boundries.

By Feona on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 06:05 pm:

Is he sorry?

I think everyone says silly stuff sometimes so it isnt' your fault he took a girlfriend.

You can take baby steps to get out of the marriage. See if you can figure out how to get a job. Check out the after school programs and day care. No one is stuck any where. You might be temperorily stuck but temporary is just temporary

Lots of hugs. What a mess...

He might have aids or hepatisis or herpes now. So I guess you know to stop sleeping with him...

Does he want to go into counseling? Or is he saying you told him to get a girlfriend. (Everyone fights with their husband and says something silly they regret.) No excuse to expose you to potential disease. He could have killed his children's mother.

No excuses on his part.

Will he go to counseling?

By Cakekisses324 on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 06:27 pm:

(((HUGS))) I agree with natesmom. I hope you guys get help soon.

By Eight_Kids on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 12:35 am:

Sounds like you feel trapped. Actually I think it's more like stuck!!!!!!! My DH and I used to have the same problems and I think I told him the same thing...he never did (thank god) I don't really have any advice.. sorry...I just decided that I wasn't going to put my DD through a divorce that I know would have ended up messy and went on about MY own business. Things have gotton better since then. Not sure why. We never did counselling...couldn't afford it! Even with a sliding fee scale based on our income. I too am in a situation where I can't afford to move out and take my DD. We only have one car, in both our names, and that would have been a fight also. Like I said, I just went on about my business. If he decided to sleep on the couch...oh well! I put a lot of energy into my DD and tried to just be happy with that.
Really sorry!! Wish I could offer you more! Hope you feel better soon!!!!!!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 01:00 am:

How did you find out he was messing with this girl? And are you willing to live in an open marriage? And sorry but by your post DH sounds like a bit of a selfish jerk (putting it lightly). I really don't want to offer any suggestions because I am also not clear on what exactly is going on and since we don't know either of you it is hard to give any advice. Give more info. if there is any.

And as far as leaving. If you want to leave you will find away. I have a friend that left after 10 years of marriage. She had no job, no license, no car and no money saved up. She moved in with a friend, got a job the next day and got her own place with help from local agencies and her first months pay checks. People at work helped her to get set up in the place of her own. (gave extra dishes, blankets and such) Where there is a will there is a way. Men/husbands can make us feel like we need them and have to stay when in actuality women make it out every day. It will be hard but living in a home like yours sounds (from your post) might be even harder. Start contacting local agencies and see what they have to offer as far as assistance. Get your ducks lined up...

By Anonymous on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 11:16 am:

Beth, that is pretty much how I feel. We are both once divorced, and I don't plan on divorcing again. Our relationship has changed, but we're just going to have to adjust accordingly. Honestly, I'm not mad that he did it, just mad he went behind my back while telling me he didn't want to. I can deal with an open marriage, just not the lies. Someone asked how I found out... I asked him. I suspected something was up after they worked together one night, and asked.

By Vicki on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 11:38 am:

Please don't think I am judging you because really I am not. This is your life and you can live it the way that you want to. It doesn't effect me in the least.... But why on Earth are you setteling for this?? Why do you think this is ok? Why are you teaching your children that this is what a marriage is and in turn they most likely will repeat it? How in your mind, is this all ok?? Like I said, to each his own, but I am really curious!

By Andi on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 11:40 am:

You may not like what I have to say but I have to say it....You are setting an awful example for your children. If you think for one minute that they won't catch on to the fact that there parents are not happy you are kidding your self. If you want an open marriage then I wonder why you are even married. Either make it work or get out of the marriage but you aren't doing your children any favors by staying together. You are setting a bad example for them on what a healthy marriage should be like.

I realize you posted "just to get it off your chest" and I don't know that you really want any advise. I am also sorry if I am being harsh but that is how I feel about it and it's just my opinion.

By Boxzgrl on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 11:53 am:

All I have left to say is WOW! You need to get some respect for yourself. Theres definitely issues of low self esteem if this is what you are settling for and dont care that hes sleeping with or messing around with other women. Your poor children.

By Karen~moderator on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 12:34 pm:

I have to agree with Vicki, Andi and Melissa. You can't be commited to someone and have an open relationship - it's a contradiction. And Andi is right, at some point your kids will see that Mom and Dad go their separate ways, and they WILL eventually find out Mom and Dad are *with* other people. You can't hide things like that forever. It comes out and like it or not, people talk. And when adults talk, kids overhear things.

JMO, but that is so confusing and emotionally harmful to not only you, but mainly your kids! How can you teach them about respect and loyalty and committment and honesty, when that type of relationship is the exact opposite of it?

Do you want your kids to grow up believing it's OK and normal to sleep around, even if they are in a relationship, or married? Because that's what it will teach them. That vows mean nothing, committment means nothing.

And, if I were you, I'd be worrying about the possibility that he'd get someone else pregnant, or bring home an STD.

Sex is NOT just physical either, it's an emotional experience. What's to stop him from becoming very emotionally involved with another woman, even if it does start out as *just sex*?? How would you feel about that?

I really think the 2 of you need some help, and need to decide exactly where your relationship is going. I've been married to someone who got sex outside the marriage and lied about it. Apparently what I was giving him was never enough or exciting enough. Later learned he's a sex addict. I remember all too well how much I was hurt by this. It took away all my confidence and self esteem. Whether or not he did it behind my back, or if he would have come right out and told me he was going to do it, I won't stand for that. You shouldn't either. You should value your own self more than to settle for that. JMHO...........

By Emily7 on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 01:19 pm:

Wow!
I seriously can not believe that you are going to put up with him messing around, just because you don't want to have another divorce. I think you have set the womens movement back a few years. I hope that your children have a good support system outside of you & your dh. I am sorry if that seems harsh, but I just can't believe you will settle for this kind of marriage.
What do you want out of your relationship with your husband? Are you really getting it? I guess in his case he can have his cake & eat it too.
I am very sorry that you think so little of yourself. I really think you need some kind of therapy. This is not a normal relationship & not normal thinking in my opinion.

By Colette on Friday, October 22, 2004 - 01:22 pm:

Ditto last 5 posters. You might not care about your marriage anymore, but you are setting a horrible example for your children and it will affect the choices they make later in life. A lot of mental health places work on a sliding scale so you should run not walk to the nearest one and get some counseling.

By Anonymous on Saturday, October 23, 2004 - 12:21 am:

From someone that had the father that did as he pleased because he could. Your children will know. I was only 4 the first time I found out and I over heard a fight between my parents. Dad was getting done up to go out on a date with his girlfriend with mom right there in the house. All hell broke loose and I heard it all. They stayed married for 16 years. There marriage went from Dad cheating to swinging (partner swapping) because that is what dad wanted then back to dad sleeping with whom ever he pleased. And at one point in the very end (keep in mind I am 16 at this point) my dad moved his girlfriend in to my parents home. I knew all along. I knew when he had a girlfriend. I knew when he was looking for a new one. I knew everything. What stopped it? A friend of my grandma's saw my dad and his girlfriend at a mall. Asked grandma when my parents divorced. Mom had no choice at that point but to finally kick his butt to the curb. I was 16 and I had two sisters 10 and 5 years old. My 10 year old sister as an adult repeated the cycle.
Come to find out, my grandfather and my grandmother on my fathers side had an open marriage. His father cheated on his mother until his mother looked else where. And they would take them on their dates as cover from the other parent. Says, I am going to take the kids to the movies, girlfriend shows up and they sit a few rows back making out through the whole thing. Grandma would take her kids to her boyfriends house. They would play out side while grandma did her thing.

Do not think for one moment you can control and open marriage. And do not think for one minute that this isn't effecting anyone else but you because it is.

A couple of suggestions. Take yourself to the doctors and have your hormone levels checked. Go to counsiling and figure out why you are having issues and why in the world for one minute you would accept this. There is clearly something wrong that you are willing to lay down and be like whatever just don't mess with me. Some one touched my dh, even if I was mad at him, it would be on.

Your marriage can be saved but not on the road you are taking. You are going to really wish you hadn't gone there. I have NO respect for my parents. I think they both are idiots (to put it lightly) and I have little to no contact with them. They exposed me to things I should never have been. And no one can fix that. But you can stop this before it comes to that.

Get yourself some help.

Going anon because of the personal info.