My internet was down all day yesterday. I went in the office to see if dh's pc would work. When I relaized it wouldnt work either-- I started playing around with my digital camera--looing at pics and uploading pics from the weekend. Somehow I ended up in some picture files of dh's from his Moscow business trip in April. No big deal he had shown them to me when he got home. Wellll, I realized he failed to show them ALL too me. There was about 18 pic's of a girl (very young and very pretty). Some were from April, then he got more of her in May, then more pics in July... I am so irate (sp?). I wont go into detail on the pics--but why on earth would he need that many pics of her??

He informed me I was making a *big* deal out of nothing. This was an aquaintence from Russia and he had taken pic's of her to give to his ds so they could be *pen pal's*. But in the conversation I realized he had never sent them to his ds. He just kept them for himself??? Keep in mind when he agreed to go on this trip he missed our ds 4th bday, our wedding anniv, and easter. He was running around with his cute interpreter all day and night. He even had pics of a bar where there were girls on the bar dancing (the girls that worked there)... Ok fine, BUT why 18 pic's of a youg girl with very long blonde hair and big boobs? Tight short dreses, etc... OH and heres the best part he said he didnt show me those, because he didnt want me to throw a fit. LOL Jerk.


I am just embarrassed and feel sick that he did this.

I have NO pic's on my laptop that would be inappropriate for anyone to see at any time. So it seems like to me he wouldnt have 18 pics of an aquaintance from Russia.

Am I overreacting???

I dont even think I will go anon on this.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 08:41 am:

No, you are not overreacting. I can't think of any reason he would have those pics except the obvious. Sorry Conni, but that's the way it looks to me. It doesn't sound like he's being honest with you.

And why would he want his DS to be pen pals with *her*??? Isn't she a bit old for him, or do I have the ages confused?

There's more to this story than you are getting. If *I* had found those pics, I can tell you now, they would no longer exist. Period. And if DH didn't like it, OH WELL!

I'm sorry you had to find those, but I think your DH owes you a HUGE explanation.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 08:44 am:

Ditto Karen (((HUGS))) I'm sorry

By Rayanne on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 08:49 am:

((((((((((CONNI))))))))))

I agree 100% with what Karen said.

By Conni on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 09:16 am:

Karen, his ds is 22yo--The girl was in her mid 20's probably. My dh is 46yo. Believe me when he told me that I laughed and said I CANT beleive this is somehow your SON'S fault. And then of course it was my fault too for making a big deal out of nothing. It's never dh's fault. ;) I could see a couple of pics--but not as many as he had with just her singled out. ANyway, you try to slice it, it just didnt look good on dh's part. There is a little something I like to call COMMON SENSE! And when there is a young pretty girl around my dh loses his common sense. lol

He agreed he should *not* have gotten the pic's in July off her web site. (she and her roommates have a website-- and he did apologize for that) He did delete those. BUT, why all the other pics?? Well, he just couldnt give me a good enough explanation.

Needless to say he was out of the bdrm as of last night.

I printed the pic's off while he was at work. He doesnt know I did that. I am saving them for a rainy day I suppose.

Didnt I *just* post about how dh and I will never get divorced, etc... LOL!!! Geezzz

By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 09:20 am:

I wouldn't be too happy either. I always think somethings wrong by what people "don't" tell me.
If he had mentioned this was a girl he met, etc.
I wouldn't think anything of it but why the secret? I would just keep quiet now about it but keep my eye on him, check email, etc. Let him think you are over it. Am I sneaky (you bet!)
I just found out someone I had been seeing for 11 years was cheating BIG TIME!. If I hadnt hacked in his ans. machine I would still be in fantasyland. Sometimes you have to go by your womans intuition. Now it could be 'nothing" but never close your eyes on a situation.

By Cat on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 09:22 am:

Oh, Conni. I don't know what to say. Back to counsiling??? He could be telling the truth. Have you talked to dss? If you need to take a trip to Colorado to get away, I'm here, Girl. Have you still got my phone number? Email me if you need to. {{{{{Conni}}}}}

By Janet on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 10:02 am:

Well, I'd be upset, too. I must tell you, my ex was a wizard at making things my fault. His affair was my fault (I drove him to it, LOL), his having to lie about it was my fault, and when I got upset about him sleeping with another woman in my bed, I was overreacting. Amazing, isn't it? I tend to think that the guiltier they feel, the more they try to put it back on you. Obviously, there's more to this than he's letting on, but I wouldn't get a divorce over this without trying to get it worked out. It's a major trust issue. {{HUGS}}

By Emily7 on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 10:11 am:

I agree with Karen as well. I guess if they were for his ds he could have shown them to you & would make a good pen pal for ds.
{{{{Conni}}}}

By Eve on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 10:27 am:

(((HUG))) I'm so sorry. What an awful situation to be put in. I'm thinking about you.

By Fionadeassis on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 10:37 am:

No real advice other than seconding what everyone else has said......(((((HUGS))))))

Does he go to Russia often?

Has he ever cheated before?

By Andi on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 10:48 am:

I also agree 100% with Karen. I am so sorry you are going through this...(((HUGS)))

By Robin on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 10:57 am:

If my hubby had one pic of a girl (business acquaintance), I'd understand. However,my hubby is the kind of guy who wouldn't have one or if he did she'd be in a group shot that he'd share with me. Eighteen shots sounds like someone's fantasy! Now, let's put the shoe on the other foot...Would hubby "understand" if you had 18 shots of a guy who is young, handsome, has got great buns, and someone who may be a great penpal for a friend of yours? And would he "understand" if you failed to mention him because you knew he'd get upset?

Plus, if he knew you'd get upset, why did he do it in the first place?

I think you need to talk to your hubby about trust, faith and love! Good luck and many hugs.

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 11:03 am:

This *may* be thrown out of proportion and it *may* not but you need to watch out and be careful just in case.

The only comment that strikes me as odd is that he mentioned he knew you'd get upset. If it was just a penpal, there would be nothing for him to assume you'd get upset about. But there must have been something to make him feel guilty or something for it to seem wrong in his eyes, therefore not showing you. And on top of that, if she *is* just a penpal for DS why would be dare give him a pic of a Russian girl with big boobs and tight short dresses? JMO from someone whos BTDT.

And I am in no way accusing your DH, i'm just trying to let you know not to jump to conclusions but to *investigate* and not to stick your head in the sand and pretend it was nothing. It may be, it may not be. Only he knows.

Good luck. (((HUGS)))

By Mommyathome on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 11:15 am:

((((hugs))))
I don't think you are over-reacting. I would be furious.


Ditto Karen.

By Tink on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 11:21 am:

I would be very upset. Those pictures wouldn't have existed by the time I spoke to dh about them. Probably not the best way to handle it but I know my temper would have gotten the best of me. I would also be much more aware of how my dh was acting. I think it sounds like he is attacking you and your trust in him to deflect what he has done. I always feel that if there is nothing to feel guilty about, there is no reason to hide it.

By Colette on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 11:36 am:

Ditto Karen. I'd be livid and heartbroken. (((Conni)))

By Juli4 on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 12:08 pm:

I do not think you are overeacting. The fact that he hid them and now is trying to make you feel as though it is you with the problem speaks volumes to me. Typical guilty male in my opinion. I would get to the bottom of this and if he refuses to be honest then out he goes. That is my opinion. Now if he chooses to be honest and open then work through it, but I would not put up with this. I know that is easier said than done. Good luck and I am really sorry about this. How devastating.

By Kay on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 12:30 pm:

I just don't have a good feeling about this one.

Of course I've only got the written word, and we all bring our own experiences into our interpretations.

That being said, I usually go by...


"If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and acts like a duck......"

By Jelygu on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 12:39 pm:

I don't think you are overreacting at all... I would also be very upset if my dh had pics of another girl. ((( Conni )))

By Conni on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 04:28 pm:

deleted

By Monicamomof3 on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 06:09 pm:

How sad, Conni. I am soooooo sorry!

By Paulas on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 06:12 pm:

You certainly are NOT overreacting! Ditto everything Karen said.

The other thing I was thinking is that if he wanted his son to be pen pals with this woman...why all the pictures? Does his son have access to a computer? If so, why not just direct his son to her website...why did he have to download even more pictures from the website?

Way too many questions for me. I would be finding out some answers. I think there is more to this than he is letting on.

By Truestori on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 07:50 pm:

Conni,

I am sorry you have to go through this. I hope everything turns out for the best. Many ehugs.

By Vicki on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 08:22 pm:

I don't think you made a big deal out of it either. I tend to agree with the others that if there was nothing to hide, he wouldn't have hidden it!!

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 11:25 pm:

Men have a way with trying to make things seem like it's either no big deal...or, that what they did is a result of what we do. EVERY man I know does this. Stand your ground and call his bluff. Tell him it's "bull..." and you're just so disappointed in him. He should have been feeling bad even before you found out. You can't be his conscience. It has to be in his heart not to do that stuff. Personally, (and I haven't had time to read all these posts), I think he's insecure. If he needs some young girl's picture and attention then he has some issues. And, does he really think she finds a 46 year old attractive? (No offense, but really...be realistic.) She's probably got 25 guys pining after her. Tell him it's unexceptable...what would your kids say if they found out? I'm sure you all hold him up on a pedestal and he needs to have the same expectations of himself.

By Pinkie on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 11:46 pm:

GEEZ! What a situation! I agree with boxzgrl- sorry, don't know you. I'd be more than a little suspicious, and I'd tell him- I'm upset over the pictures that I don't think you gave me a believable explanation for- so for now, I'm not talking to you until I feel you can be HONEST with me! If it doesn't turn out like you want= you can look into counseling or divorce. I'd only say divorce as a last resort- too much trust lost. But if you ask him to be honest- just know that the truth may hurt. Sorry this happened to ya girl. ((((( BIG HUG))))))

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, October 19, 2004 - 11:58 pm:

I must say I agree too. But this can be dealt with just like anything else can. Some times it is best to deal with them in the calmest manner you can muster up. Men expect us to scream, yell and all together freak out. If we go at them frank and matter of fact it freaks them out. When he tries to redirrect the issues at you (all your fault) simply reply with Hmmm, I am sorry you feel you need to attack me to cover up for what you have done but thankfully my short comings aren't the current issue here. I read about doing this in a book and I use it with DH and it works. The calmer I can stay the more concerned he gets because he knows I mean business and it actually worries him more so than my screaming and crying does. If I carry on he thinks here we go again, and he shuts down and shuts me out. But if I speak dirrectly and stay calm I can get my point across. In this case, my point would be. I know darn well what might have possibly gone on and by no means in hell is it my fault and him trying to make it my fault in his head is not acceptable. That the pictures are to be destroyed and all personal contact with this girl are to stop as of today. You can't stop work related talk but he has no reason for contact outside of work with this girl. I would also make him aware that his actions and his selfishness has hurt me deeply. But he doesn't only have to answer to me for his actions but he has to answer to himself for his lack of judgement in this case. I would not ask for details. Somethings in life are better left unknown. And I am sorry I will more than likely not be agreed with but there is a difference between a man that cheats and a cheater. Karens husband for example was a cheater. He had emotional issues that caused him to act out sexually and then blame her for his actions. His actions became a habit, a life style. He is much different than a man that is in the wrong state of mind, in the wrong place, with the wrong person. But swaying in a marriage doesn't mean it is time for divorce. It means it is time to get things in order because all things in time can be worked through. But only if both parties are wanting to. I think you need to sit DH down and talk to him (not scream and cry but talk). Another thing, If I am very upset with DH and I start out calm and notice I am starting to loose my grip I will excuse myself to the restroom or step outside for a few minutes to catch my breath and go back into the situation refocused on the purpose at hand. Settling this... Because nothing is ever settled if you are loosing it. It just gets ugly, things are said that aren't meant and issues become bigger and the hole becomes deeper. When someone is on the defense they don't see the other persons side of the picture. Oh and a nother thing that works is....... I want to talk about how I am feeling about this and how this effects me. Your actions hurt me, I felt like my gut was ripped out when I sall those pictures. All the what ifs ran through my head. I am worried about what this all might mean to us in the long run but I love you and I am willing to figure out why things came to this point and I am willing to work towards making sure this never happens again. But I will not sit back and let this become a habit of yours. Your actions and lack of regaurd for our vows have hurt me deeply. ((Take note, No questions. Statement after Statment.)) If you ask a question you are opening yourself up for attack and I promise you you will not like what he says and it will end up heated and your point will never be made or heard... Best of luck... And big hugs... I am sure you can work through this. Also remember, he might blame you for his actions but he is trying to cover up for his failure. This is human nature. Yes I did XYZ but you did ABC before and that is why the XYZ happened. Hard for people to own up to their actions, if I admit it then I am admiting I am wrong. If I am wrong I fail. Failure isn't acceptable. So lets blame her/him. Make it their failure......

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 12:05 am:

LOL Mrsheidi so very very true...... And I like your points.. But I love this one "Tell him it's "bull..." and you're just so disappointed in him." I also agree 100% about the girl. A girl that age had no interest in a man your DH's age unless he is has something to offer her. And if she is that good looking I am sure she has so many offering that his would not be the one she would take. Possibly a bit of a mid life going on around your house???? Maybe she was nice to him and he was thinking HEY I STILL GOT IT... LOL Men no matter how old, how smart, are all the same. A nice looking girl comes along and they become that 12 year old pubesent boy all over again. Don't take it personally and let him know you have his bluff.

By Conni on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 07:35 am:

deleted

By Cakekisses324 on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 08:40 am:

I agree w/ boxzgirl and pinkie. I am sorry, I would be irate as well. (((hugs)))

By Pinkie on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 07:02 pm:

I would've lost it too, Conni. Sorry, but it would be extremely hard for me to be as objective as Bobbie suggested! I would have led with 'DUH! WHAT COULD YOU HAVE BEEN THINKING???' lol At some point I try to remember just to say how things have made me FEEL to get to my point- and it works. But don't blame yourself too badly for taking this hard and becoming emotional- most everyone does when they're threatened. A point you could make to him - BILL CLINTON DID WHAT HE DID "BECAUSE I COULD"- still makes for a poor excuse! Good luck, hon.

By Bea on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 08:59 pm:

Will he be going back to Moscow? He wouldn't be if it was my husband. Or he would, but no longer as my husband. That's the mildest reaction I would have. Vesuvius would envy what I would do and say. I think he got caught with his hand firmly in the cookie jar. I'm really sorry.

By Pamt on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 - 09:28 pm:

Nothing else left to say. Hugs and prayers {{{Conni}}}.

By Colette on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 11:35 am:

Hope you are ok today Conni.

By Feona on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 06:08 pm:

I don't think you made a big deal out of this. Those russian girls are desperate for money. I think it is just realistic that some pretty girl threw herself at him hoping for an american life.

By Feona on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 06:16 pm:

He was running around with his cute interpreter all day and night.


Wait I am so gullible. The company hired her to be an interpreter? I don't know now. I am pretty gullible....

By Nicosmom on Thursday, October 21, 2004 - 06:47 pm:

Wow! I agree with Karen all the way. Why would he need all of those pics of JUST her? Like Robin said, think about if you had pics of some cute guy...how would your dh react? You seem to be taking this quite well, I think my dh would be sleeping at his mother's, not on the couch. Keep a close eye on him.