Marriage Problems...where do I start?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2004:
Marriage Problems...where do I start?
Okay, it's hard for me to come out with this because most of you seem happily married and I hate to be the black sheep but I need to "talk" to someone. My husband and I, for a long time have been co-habitating as roomates..with maybe once a month benefits, if you know what I mean. We have 1 son and after the birth of our son a lot has changed. According to him, it was slowly changing before our son. We lived together for a year, I got pregnant, we got married. So, I sort of feel like I had to get married.
Now, our son is my life and my main focus. I've fallen out of love with my husband a long time ago. We laugh, talk and do things as a family but there are no real sparks left for me, and at this point probably not many left for him either.
I take complete credit for the failure of this marriage. I've shut down emotionally with him. When we fight, he cries, not me. We've often said we would get counseling but never have. I've gone to get counseling for myself just because I feel that I must need to change something about myself to love him like a wife should.
We are only 25 and 26 so I feel like I'm giving him an out before we get any older. We've spent almost five years in this relationship. Any sort of breakup will be so hard for our son. He's always had the two of us. What do I do? This has happened before and we just keep on going and stay together.
I am so sorry that you are having problems with your marriage! I don't want to offend anyone, but my dh and I went into our marriage knowing it would be a lifetime. I am sure every marriage has problems and we do to. But knowing that we will stay together always makes us approach problems differently. I hope you and your dh can find some marriage counseling or something and can work everything out. Can you both spend more alone time together--like dating time--where you can try to rekindle the flame? Talk to your husband and see how he feels about all this. If this has been going on for a while then it will take some time to work things out and enjoy each other as spouses again, but I hope you can. Again, I am sorry you are feeling this way.
I think it's great you did counseling for yourself that is a hard thing to do and many people will make excuses and never do it. Have you ever said exactly what you said to us to your DH? Maybe he feels the same and you can have a civil divorce and co parent as friends and make it as easy on your ds as possible or maybe he really won't want this and will want to try to get the spark back and you could go to counseliing together. I think you should start with a really frank talk with him. Just be sure to pick a good time and place. Good Luck.
I want to say I can completely understand what you are going through. Im posting ANON too, as many people dont know I feel this way.
I dont hate my husband, I never did.. But, truley I dont want to be married anymore.. I feel like Im holding my husband back from finding true love. I can say he probably loves me more then I love him. He tells me everyday, well several times a day, and I only 50% say it back. I dont feel it, I feel like its a lie to say it when I dont mean it. I feel pretty neutral around him. We are 2 people leading separate lifes..Hes barely home with work and school as it is. But even before that, we didnt spend much time together. Sure if I wanted to do a a family thing he would do it with us, but once we got home, he was back to doing his thing, and me and the kids are thing..I go to bed before him, because I just get tired easier. He likes to stay up to midnight watching tv downstairs or on his computer. I dont complain, frankly I dont care. After the kids are in bed, I go to bed. He helps with the kids at bedtime, baths and such, so I cant complain there.
Ive often told him, he needs a wife whose more like him, and Im totally serious about it..If I had money, I would move me and the kids to an apt. He wanted this house, and 70% of the stuff in this house is his. Ive talked to him about the junk around here, the unfinished projects etc.. he agrees, but NOTHING ever changes.. So I stop complaining, and really just keep to myself as "Why bother"...
If he would be willing, I would get a divorce. I dont want to be married to anybody else, I just want my own life. It angers me that we are "married' yet lead separate lifes. I rather be on my own with the kids, and not worry what hes doing or not doing. I would let him see the kids whenever he wants, I dont hate my husband. But, its not working for me, and Ive felt this way for about 6 yrs now.I look on the internet for apts in the area, Ive even gone as far as making lists onhow much things cost, what I would take with us, and what I would leave here. He has no idea.
Im sorry I have no advice for you. I just wanted you to know , I can completely understand what you are feeling.
You are definitely not the only one who feels like this. I sort of feel like DH and I co-habitate also. We tend to try and come together with the kids and the bills. Every now and then we spend some time together. He's a very needy person...as far as attention goes. I have simply come to the conclusion that I have seen what divorce did to my kids as well as his and I have no desire to put my daughter through that. So I am here for the duration! Be it bad or be it good. I enjoy the good times. I think I am still very much in love with my husband. I don't think he is as in love with me anymore. I went to the doctors a week and a half ago and she put me on celexa (I was on this about 5 years ago) I told her I was just tired of crying everyday. So far it's working out wonderfully! I haven't cried since I started taking my pills again. 
I don't know that I have any advice. Just a lot of sympathy. (((((hugs))))) Good luck to you!
I am so sad by reading how the both anonymous of you feel. Truly, it makes me want to cry. I know that "the spark" isn't always there, and honestly, probably not the majority of the time, but I love my husband. I made a commitment to him and God till death do us part, and really I don't even want to imagine us not being together after death. Sometimes life just kind of takes over and you kind of forget why you first fell in love with your dh, but at the same time, my dh anyway, is my best friend. He is the best daddy in the world, and I really can't imagine me without him. Remember, I'm not saying the flame is always there because with a one year old keeping up the romance is almost impossible. I think as time goes on in a marriage, it's not so much about the sparks as it is about the mutual respect and genuine love for each other for who you are. Don't get me wrong though...the other day my dh and I went to see a movie for the first time in nine months and we held hands and cuddled the whole time, so some sparks flare up every now and then, but more than anything I really think he's my partner in life and my best friend.
I'm so sorry for those of you who don't have that, but divorce really shouldn't be an option IMHO (sorry, I don't mean to step on any toes). It's just that I really believe that your son needs his parents together and a divorce is not an easy solution to the lack of love, and very, very rarely sparks fly constantly. I'll be praying for you both.
Anonymous #2, could you maybe try to stay up with him for a little while after the kids go to bed so that you have a little time together? I think that you really can't expect to be happy and things to get better if you aren't spending any time together without the kids.
Oh well, again sorry if I over stepped, but this is how I really feel.
God Bless
As one who has been in a terrible marriage, and is now in a good one, I can say I understand how both of you feel.
But - as one who has also been divorced and raising kids alone, I will just say this:
It doesn't sound like either of you has problems that are not *fixable* in your marriages. Counseling might help both of your marriages. Of course, I don't know either one of you, so I don't know your situations.
Marriages evolve into something more than sexual energy and attraction. That doesn't mean you give that up because that's part of a healthy marriage. But you settle into a certain *comfortableness* and routine that becomes your life.
Being on your own raising young kids is HARD. You have no help, no backup, no one to share the terrifying times with when your child is ill in the middle of the night, no one to help getting the kids off to school in the morning, or to activities after school, especially when you are working full time. Having to make choices between groceries that week and getting your child new shoes, or paying for that school field trip or the birthday party your child wants to go to. No help with the daily discipline and routine of child raising - the homework, the tantrums, the drudgery of making sure your kids come first when laundry has to be done and meals have to be cooked. No one to help out when you have a sick child and you absolutely canNOT miss work and daycare or school won't take them. There is no time out for you in that situation. And it's so hard on your kids emotionally, it's a pain and a feeling of insecurity that doesn't easily go away.
You also don't have anyone to share the special moments in your child's life with - the first lost tooth, the first time they ride a bike, the time they discover Santa Claus is not *real*, their first crush and heartache afterwards, the band concerts, the softball games, the dance revues.... I could go on and on.
No marriage is perfect. But there's a reason you both feel in love with your DH's and if you can decide what is most important to you, decide what kind of marriage and life you *really* want, and work towards it together, I'd recommend doing that before taking that step to getting a divorce.
All marriages have tough times and really are less *glamorous* than most of us have been raised to think they are. This is what *for better or for worse* is all about. The grass isn't always greener, if you KWIM.
I guess I'm rambling, I'm just speaking from a BTDT perspective. No one can make your choices for you. I DO understand how you both feel, but please take stock in what you have right now. It might be something you're happy with after all.
I don't know how I feel about this. "Its not working for me".....what about your chidlren? I want to say so much here but I feel with my emotion that it would be offensive. Marriage is HARD WORK. If you keep doing the same things it is never going to change. Have you tried to change the situation? REALLY tried? Did you think about forever before you had children? From my position it seems like you are taking your husbands for granted. "TRUE LOVE" is just a pat answer. Real life doesn't work that way!
Read your posts again and think how it looks to someone who tried everything and anything to save their marriage or better yet look at what you are saying from the eyes of your child.
JMHO
IM Anon #2, thanks everybody for sharing their views. Im not offended in the least. All points brought up are things Ive thought about over and over again..These thoughts of mine are not things that just popped into my head in a moment of anger. These are thoughts and feelings Ive had even when Im feeling calm..My husband is hardly ever home as it is, on the weekends, hes busy with "his stuff", so basically me and the kids are alone anyways. I do the homework, I cook the dinners, I deal with getting them off to school, and the tantrums and the fights...Im not complaining, just stating a fact..He may see them for 1-2 hrs a day, if that much. When hes with them, he gets short tempered with them. They dont understand that, I mean they look forward to seeing him, yet, when hes home all he does is complain and yell at them for their behavior. It doesnt make for a happy environment for them. Oh he is NOT abusive at all, I wasnt statingthat. I know when he is home, he "rather" being doing his own projects. And I think he gets irratated as he feels "obligated" to be in the same room as them and that is why he is short tempered with them.Believe me, I do my share of yelling too, but Im home with them all day. I guess I feel like he should appreciate them more as he doesnt spend more time with them.
I do babysit partime for some neighbors, and I try to save some of that money to do "fun" things with the kids. I like to go on vacation , he doesnt, said its a waste of money. We do go every few years, yet he complains the whole time. He rather spend money on car parts or computer parts, I like to save money for fun family vacations,as thats something I enjoy.
Like I said, I dont take any of this stuff lightly. Ive talked to people, Ive read books, and things never change around here. Im no prize to live with either. BUT, Im tired of things never changing, and yes we have talked about things, and it always stays the same.
I go to bed at night, and the first thing I do is, thank God for my beautiful children, and then I usually end up crying myself to sleep(not every night, just when I let things get to me).
So again Im not offended on what other people have posted. I like to read others thoughts on this matter.
Anon # 2, when you say he is busy *doing his stuff*, what exactly is *his* stuff?? Is it work, or *play*? Is it something you can be included in?
Marriage is work - it needs constant nurturing by BOTH spouses to make it successful. Just because there's a ring on your (his or yours) finger doesn't mean you've got it *made in the shade* and don't have to extend any efforts. It's like any relationship - it needs attention, nurturing, growth - to keep it alive.
Marriage is also compromise - which means no one usually gets EVERYthing they want, but they certainly don't give up everything either. It's give and take, so that's why I said above you need to figure out where you want your life to go TOGETHER.
It's very possible for 2 very different people to have a happy marriage. You don't have to be in each others' hip pockets 24/7, but you DO need common interests and time to spend together, alone as a couple, and also as a complete family.
Bottom line is, both spouses need to be willing to really listen to the other one with an open mind - hearing the things they like and the things they would change if they could. Both need to realize there are things each of them want and need that the other may not be giving to them, and that *they* may be doing things that the other doesn't like and can't live with.
This is where the compromise comes in. You set your goals and then you both make a true effort to have a successful relationship. If you don't feel sexually attracted to your DH anymore, you try to set aside more time for the two of you alone. Do something romantic and spontaneous. When people get *in a rut*, it doesn't happen overnight, so you can't get out of it overnight either.
And realize too, that as your relationship matures and you get older, the quality of the sex is much more important and is better than the quantity. It's hard for moms to feel sexy and in the mood when they've been taking care of kids all day, cleaning the house, cooking, dealing with problems, playing referee to fighting kids, etc. They are exhausted at the end of the day, emotionally and physically, and usually don't have the energy or the inclination to hop into bed, all sexy and filled with desire.
And when you talk about the problems in your marriage, it's usually a better choice not to come across as putting the blame on the other person. You can start with something like *when you do this, I feel _________.* Instead of saying *you never do such and such or help with this or that*, try saying *I know you work hard too, but it would really be a help to me if you could __________, I'd really appreciate it.*
As far as the limited time DH spends with the kids, or the family, you can try to encourage him to spend more time together, both with you, and with the kids.
I completely understand when money for entertainment is limited, it's difficult to go out as a family and do fun things. It's expensive, no doubt about it. But you can do simple things together that cost little or nothing.
I guess all I'm saying is, if you WANT to make it work, you probably can. But it takes BOTH of you, willing to listen, willing to admit if you're wrong, willing to give a little as well as take a little, willing to work hard on it. If you can do that, you might be surprised at just how fulfilling your marriages can be.
I wish you both nothing but the best in your situations.
I am a 29 year old mother of three and I am a product of divorce 3 times over. Both parents remarried after divorcing and then divorced their second spouces. I am in a thriving marriage now, but I still suffer the effects of divorce. It rears its ugly head in many personal and marital situations in my life. I believe as an ADULT (especially an adult with children) there has to come a time where your needs are pushed aside for the benefit of another. Hey-it's part of life...sparks don't always fly;romance isn't always alive. That is part of life. Marriages go thru seasons and some of those seasons are months (or years) of uphill work. I don't mean to offend, but when you have children (and if they are emotionally and physically safe, of course) then it is not about you and your feelings anymore. I hope that you both begin to work hard for the sake of your children. Take it from a product of divorce. I went to bed every night wondering where my daddy was sleeping that night and why my mommy "let" my favorite man in the world leave. Kids do not understand. Infact, I still don't. Divorce hurts and it hurts BAD.I do wish you the best.
Anon #1,
Please don't feel like a black sheep here at Momsview. All of us here go through our ups and downs, no one is perfect and everyone has struggled with some part of their marriage at one time or another. You and your husband are both young. I can relate, My husband and I were both 16 when we had our first child and 22 when we had our second. We have been together going on 15 years, and yes it has been hard, there are days where I have wanted to give up and there are days I have felt like there is a purpose. I have learned to take one day at a time, and it really helps to talk to people.
Have you taken a hard look at yourself and figured out why you think you have fallen out of love with him? (Love can be rekindled, but it takes dedication)
It sounds like you think hubby may love you more than him, have you two talked about this? What is the reason you have shut down?
Karen, gave great points above and truthfully from reading your post it sounds as if this marriage could last a lifetime if some love, and emotion was repaired.
If you need to talk more, please feel free to email me at my adelphia address in my profile.
Many ehugs and I hope it all works out for you and your family.
I certainly hope my posts didn't make either Anon feel like a black sheep - that's certainly not my intention, and if I did, I apologize.
Like Monica, my parents divorced when I was young. We never got the truth, we were told lies by all the adults in our extended family. And to make it worse, my dad and his parents (my grandparents) did nothing but talk my mom down to us. Which hurt me doubly, because I had always worshipped my Dad, and I couldn't understand WHY he was saying those hurtful things.
And my dad remarried a woman who had an older son, and she wanted nothing to do with the three of us girls. She hated us and we, to this day, hate her. She has gotten everything we, as his children were entitled to - and I'm not just talking inheritance - I mean his time, love, attention, and all the mementos of our childhood and our home.
When I married my X he was divorced with 2 kids; I love those 2 kids as if they are my own, but THEY have suffered greatly by their parents' divorce, and then their Dad & my divorce. MY 2 kids have suffered from our divorce. I thought I was doing all the right things to protect them from the hurt and insecurity but I was so wrong.
Don't get me wrong, there were issues in our marriage that made it impossible to stay together - emotional and mental abuse, plus the fact that he had several girlfriends on the side that I discovered - but I stayed in it for years after it was bad and tried my damnedest to make it work. Because I believed in my marriage vows and the *for better or for worse* and *till death do us part* parts of it. I was determined to make it work.
He walked out, and it was the right thing for us, but if there had been any way in the world I could have made it work and all of us be happy together, I would gladly have done it.
The years I was on my own with my kids were some of the most difficult times I've had. I tried to create stability and security for them, I did everything in my power to give them a *normal* upbringing. I thought that with *just me and my kids*, we would be so much happier, that things would be so much better. In many ways they were, because we were free of the emotional abuse, and I didn't have to worry about what diseases I might catch from a philandering husband. I look back and see things I could have done differently and things I absolutely did wrong and often wish I could change things. But I've learned you can't go back and I can't live in the past. I know I did the best I could in the situation I was in, and I can live with that. Between my 2 kids, Jen was most affected, and I didn't realize how much until very recently. It's not B.S. when people say kids tend to choose boyfriends/girlfriends like their parents, or that they mirror their parents' relationships. My relationship with my X was not a healthy one, and Jen followed suit by getting into an emotionally abusive relationship. Once she finally broke free of it, our relationship started improving and that's when I discovered how much our past had hurt her. What I CAN do now is admit when I was wrong - I own my mistakes.
Unfortunately, my kids - all 4 of them - have paid the biggest price. The kids are the ones who usually do. So if there is any way you can make your marriage work, I'd urge you to do so for all of you. If you think you might be happier alone with your kids, you really don't have a clue what the reality of it would be like. I'm not trying to come across like I know it all, because believe me, I don't! But I have BTDT and have the battle scars to prove it. And it breaks my heart to see anyone else going through it.
I'm saying all this because I *think* you are both young moms with younger kids, who would probably suffer in the same ways my kids did. My birth kids were 7 and 8 when my X left. They are 20 and 21 now and it's taken that many years for me to realize how it impacted their lives. My other 2 kids are 31 and 32 - they still suffer the scars of both divorces. I'm by no means an expert, but I know first hand, from all sides of this coin, what divorce does.
Unless there is physical or emotional abuse or illegal activities going on, please, please, take ALL these things into consideration and give your marriages a second chance. When you -meaning you AND your DH - can say you have given it an honest chance to work, that you've honestly made changes and tried to work on your relationship and make it work for you AND your kids, that you've exhausted all your physical and emotional efforts to make the marriage work - and it hasn't, IMO, *that* would be the time to consider divorce. It's not something you do just because you're tired of the way things are.
There............I'm done, I promise!
Karen,
I appreciate your advice. It is nice when someone can speak from the heart, and from the experiences that they have lived through. I'm sure these two moms feel the same.......Post on if you like..LOL
I'm going anon here too. I don't really want to be divorced but I don't really feel happy either. I think I love my husband. I couldn't image life without him but I'm not attracted to him anymore either. I just feel tired all the time. We have sex maybe once every couple of months...that's not normal. He says he wants it more but I'm not sure he actually does and I just don't feel like it all that much so the frequency is really fine with me.
I could never image raising my kids without him so I will make it through. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice to make me "want it and want him more" and be less tired?
This is such a long thread that I printed it out on my printer so that it would be easier to read! It is a VERY important thread, so I wanted to read all the posts before I chose my words.
Karen, you are a very brave lady for opening up the way you did- KUDOS!
I agree with just about everything that has been said here. Living in what seems like an empty marriage can't be easy, and definitely not fun. The four very important points that have been made are-
1) it takes TWO
2) it takes WORK
3) after the births of the children it isn't about YOU
4) being a single mom is NOT in the best interest of the children unless there are addictions, abuse, or adultry in the marriage.
For most of the women here on this thread, it may be difficult to get DH in on this with you to fight for the marriage. ANON #2, I would take the advice of Holly(Hdelfuego) and try to engage yourself with DH more in what his interests are. Perhaps he feels that *you* don't care about what is important to *him*.
For ANON #1, I think you need to try to ignite a flame. It needs to start with you. DH is doing his part. You know, sometimes when I'm not "horny" and we start to do it anyway, I get into it. We think that just because we are not in the *mood* for something that we *can't* do it. With a lot of things in life, it's just the opposite. If we just *do it* when we don't feel like it, then we get into the mood. I bet if you walked around all day forcing yourself to smile, then by the end of the day, the smile would not take any effort and you would actually be happier. I bet if you get up and go for a walk even if you are "too tired", by the time you were done with the walk, you would wonder why you couldn't go around the block one more time. I bet if you made yourself treat your DH with respect and kindness, after a while, it won't take any effort, it will come naturally.
Which brings me to point #5) It all starts with *YOU!*
oh, and ANON #4 (If I haven't lost count!), to be less tired might mean you have to cut back on the activities that take your energy, even if it is a job or something else that you might really love doing but that isn't contributing to the happiness and stability of your family.
The children deserve a stable, married, two-parent, committed home. It is up to mom and dad to make that happen.
I'm sitting on my hands. There's more I want to say, but I said I was done! LOL
C'mon Karen. It's okay. You have a lot of knowledge and experience that we can (and have) all learned from. If you want to preach some more, go ahead, just like Stori said.
Karen, I have agreed with everything you have said.
When dh and I were having a particularly difficult time a few years ago, I heard two statistics that helped me out (I liked the logic of stats). 1. In one survey, 75% of the people that had responded to a survey 5 years before, saying they were unhappy in their marriage, were extremely or mostly happy with their marriage at the time of the 2nd survey. I told myself that if I was this unhappy in 5 years, I would give myself permission to begin divorce discussions. 2. The first 7 years of a marriage are the toughest. Since there weren't any major (abuse, addiction, adultery) problems, I said I would tough it out for 7 years and I could re-evaluate the issues then. Right around our 6 year anniversary is when things evened out and we are so much closer and more content. I think that is the difference between an early love and a mature love: excitement and contentment. Sometimes the transition is really rough for both members of the relationship.
My parents didn't divorce until all the children had moved out but it was really tough living in an environment that was constantly tense and so many days my siblings and I would ask each other "Is today a good day?" because we never knew what to expect at home. Looking back, I don't think my parents were trying to stay married as much as just counting down the days until they thought they could move on with their lives. It still hurts to feel like your parents are just waiting for you to grow up and get out.
Not much to add but some ((HUGS)) to everyone going anon regarding their marital relations. I've learned very hard this year that marriage is a lot of work, oh boy is it! But worth every second. I know it may be a bit late now for some but I think every once in a while stepping out of your skin and looking at your situation in life with your spouse, yourself, your kids, finances, friends etc... can help a lot. Realizing the small things before they become big can help a lot. If you see you and your spouse drifting, even if its a tiny bit, do something about it to change the situation before it becomes how some are explaining today.
For the most part it seems like anon(s) were just oblivious to the simple fact that them and their partner were drifting and didnt step back and realize that until they were questioning their love for their spouse. Its late, I hope i'm making sense.
I've BTDT to a sense. I've seen DH and myself drifting because we were so busy in our own lives but after all the changes i've been through this year i've learned to help the problem before I may even think it needs help. If I see were drifting but its not affecting much, perhaps a few less kisses here, a missed I love you there... I get back on track and dont slack. And it is the small things like that that can be the silent killer to a relationship. It gets easier not to say it, not to be affectionate, not to talk, and eventually it feels like your just room mates.
But it all boils down to YOU HAVE TO WANT TO MAKE IT WORK. Don't sit around looking for an escape when you havn't tried any other way. You may be escaping from a great relationship and not even know it because you didnt want to try, you thought it was too late....etc...
Good Luck (((HUGS))) and i'm sorry you are sitting here writing this today. And don't think that nobody on here would understand you or that we all have these picture perfect relationships... I sure don't and most of you know that. But do I give up.... NO! I keep trying and honestly it gets better everyday. But you HAVE TO WANT IT!
Anon #1, you said that you went to counseling on your own. Did that help? Are you glad that you went? It's such perfect timing that you wrote this because I've been going through a very similar & painful period too. It's something that I've always wanted to write about here but never had the courage to. I've been an "ostrich with its head stuck in the sand" for many years & lately, I'm trying to face the problem and am considering going to counseling. My dh is not willing to go to counseling with me because he has too much pride & has a hard timing facing his problems. Well, my story is: My dh doesn't want to have sex with me. He says he just can't see me in that way & has no desire BUT he "loves me very much & doesn't want to lose me." This will be shocking to many of you but here it goes..... We've only been together 3-4 times in the past 6 years and twice is when we conceived our precious two little boys. There was a time when I cried myself to sleep each night & woke up crying because I felt so rejected, unloved & craving physical affection. It was deeply painful for me but I knew I was in it for the long haul because I couldn't fathom divorce with a child. I am also from a deeply devout Christian family and am incredibly close to my parents whom I didn't want to hurt. Although I have never caught my DH with other women, I am certain he has been unfaithful. He travels alot & there was an incident when I called his hotel in the middle of the night & he wasn't there. He vehemently denies ever cheating on me but admits to engaging in pornography on a steady basis for his sexual fulfillment. So it's not an issue of him not being interested in sex but rather he's just not interested in having it with me. He's admitted to being attacted sexually to other women but swears he's never acted on it. (My dh is very handsome and women tend to flirt with him alot so I know he's found himself in tempting situations more often than not.) He won't go to counseling and nothing ever changes..only grows worse. He won't let me go either. He cries when I suggest that we separate. He just wants me to accept things as they are. What scares me is that I no longer care about the physical affection. I crave it no longer and have no desire left in me, too. I think I can live the rest of my life without ever being physically intimate again. What pains me most of all is feeling cheated on (whether it's with live women or pornography because frankly they both hurt the same). I live for my boys and try to not "feel the pain", but as I wrote above, it's deep inside and it has been surfacing lately. I realize something has to be done but not sure what. I thought divorce was inevitable because I can't go on living the rest of my life this way but then Karen - your words really touched something in me. I will try NOT to give up and do whatever it takes to make it work for my precious boys but what do I do when my dh will not change and wants to just keep things as they are. HE DOES NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I love my boys more than life and so a part of me feels like I have to sacrifice my happiness, my fulfillment as a woman, to give them the illusion of a "happy" family and most importantly, their daddy. But is that fair to them? I just don't know. Will I be able to find the strength to overcome the bitterness I have towards him, which shows in our daily interactions and to find confidence in myself. Gosh... I'm sorry this is so long. I don't know what else to say but will welcome your thoughts. (I can't believe I'm FINALLY writing this..)
This is the origional thread starter or however you say that. I'm Anon #1.
Wow, I really opened up a can of worms didn't I? I really appreciate all of the thoughts and the advice.
My child is my whole life and I want nothing more for him to be happy. If this means remaining in a friendship style marriage or whatever then I will do it. I'm not being abused, there is no drug use, so really there is no reason for me to flee.
Yes, I do have some problems with his parenting, but I saw today that he is trying to make progress in that area. I think that is where a lot of my resentment came from. When he gets home from work, he is very lazy and our son wants to be active with daddy.
Tonight he asked me what I wanted to do, I said that I was not exactly ready to go look for separate housing or anything, but that answer is not what he wants to hear. He wants me to say that I still love him and that I really want this marriage. I will try.
My parents also are divorced but I remember feeling relieved when they did this. I could always tell that they were never really happy.
Karen, you don't have to hold back. I really look up to you and how you raised all of your dk's. My mother's situation was a lot like yours. Cheating, mental and some mild physical abuse.
Thanks all!
That-a-girl! You go in there and you give it your best, and I truly wish you and your family the best of luck and love!
I might say some more tonight - right now I'm going to pick up Madison and take her to a fair, so I'll be gone all day. I'll check this thread tonight and see what everyone else has said.
I agree with Holly that it makes me sad how you feel about your marriages, but I do think there is hope. You need to go waay back to when you were dating. What attracted you to your spouse? What did you fall in love with about him? What were/are your expectations of marriage and of him? Did you have premarital counseling? I think it is SO important to go through counseling together before you get married to work out some problems (inlaws, expectations, money) before they actually become issues. At any rate, make a list of what initially attracted you to your spouse and look for these qualitites again. Perhaps your expectations were unrealistic. You fell in love because he was the "strong, silent" type and now you get ticked off because he doesn't talk and open up much. Or you thought it was cute that he was passionate about his hobbies and it makes you mad at how much time and money he spends on them. In this case then you hold a lot of the responsibility. You picked him for the very qualities that you now resent. You'll have to go back and re-evaluate why you initially thought they were attractive and make them seem that way again. He hasn't changed at all---your expectations of him changed. (Not saying that is the case---just an example).
Do you date regularly? I think it is important to claim one night a week as date night. And yes, that sometimes means getting a babysitter or bartering childcare duties with a friend, but it is SO important for you to find time to be alone together. With kids, bills, life getting in the way you may have simply forgotten how to hang out together and enjoy each other's company. Dating doesn't always mean going out. It can mean a special romantic dinner at home after the kids are in bed or snuggling on the couch watching a movie. When you go out it doesn't have to be expensive either. One of our favorite dates is going to Lowe's and wandering around planning our dream house (which we both know we'll never have). Which brings me to my next thought....
Dream together. When you were dating you planned and hoped, but sometimes we forget to do that in the everydayness of marriage. Plan an elaborate vacation that you may never take, talk about your disappointments, what would you do if you had a million dollars, what 3 things would you take if you were stranded on an island? These are fun things to talk about and you get to know your spouse better. Here are some more ideas.
As others have said, find an activity in common. My DH and I both enjoy being outside. I'm not an athletic person, but I do enjoy hanging out in nature, walking, canoeing, etc. He loves to flyfish though. It looks difficult and intimidating to me, but I love the streams and the woods--the whole setting of flyfishing appeals to me. So...he is teaching me to flyfish. We hope to retire one day on a river in Arkansas or the Carolinas and we joke about flyfishing being our retirement activity. We are learning to do something together to prepare for the future. DH also loves raquetball---I tried and it isn't for me. I'm scared of the ball and terribly uncoordinated. I quilt and he has gotten interested in the history of quilts and will Oooh and Aaah over my latest fabric acquisition. I have also learned that my DH (and from studying other marriages, I would say *most* hubbies) simply likes my companionship even if I are not participating. My FIL does woodworking and spends every weekend building stuff in his shop. My MIL sits out there with him and reads. They aren't talking much, she isn't helping him, but they are together. My DH is much the same way. If he is out working on the car or working on the computer he likes me to simply hang out with him. I know with my female friends that I also recognize that we have reached a greater intimacy with each other when we can just "be" without talking. There comes that point in a friendship where you learn that the silence isn't awkward anymore and you don't always have to have words to fill the space and you can still enjoy each other's company. I think marriage needs those times too.
Probably much more I could say, but I'll start to wrap it up. Just a few ending thoughts. When a marriage gets off to a wrong start because of a pregnancy the whole focus tends to be on the kids. Then as the kids grow up and leave there is no marriage left. I personally think that the priority in a marriage should be God, spouse, children. A healthy marriage is so important for kids. My parents had a shotgun wedding and had never gone on a trip ALONE together until we had all moved out of the house! How tragic is that? I think it is so important to get away for AT LEAST one weekend a year alone, without kids, to focus on being a couple. Your kids will be better for it too, I promise. Also, even if you think your kids would be "relieved" if you got divorced...and that may be true...you must also consider that you are teaching your children what marriage is like and they ARE watching. I am amazed at the insight the teens in our youth ministry have into their parents' marriages. They can see through the pretenses right into the heart of things. It is important to model a good, strong marriage in front of your children so they learn what marriage is. You may think you *had* to get married or you picked the wrong guy. That may well be true, but that's water under the bridge. Now that you are married, he IS the right guy and you owe it to yourself, him, and your children to make it a strong, loving, nurturing marriage. It CAN happen, but it WILL take work on both sides. I would strongly suggest counseling, but if either of you won't go or can't go, here are some good resources, IMHO:
His Needs, Her Needs
The Five Love Languages
A Celebration of Sex
Good luck! I hope you guys can work through this and give us a great report in a few months of how strong, loving, and wonderful your marriage is. Praying for you all!
Anons... I just finalized my divorce, I was with my Ex five years, and Sept 14th would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary. IT SUCKS!!!! I'm going to "air a little dirty laundry" so you see you are NOT the black sheep, or alone!! There is nothing worse than a divorce. I will forever feel guilty for the mistakes I made in our marriage, feel resentment for the mistakes my ex made. We have 2 year old twins, and only time will tell how this affects them. John, (my ex-husband) Nate (my fiance), and I were all raised raised by a step-parent. None of us have good relationships with our absent bio-parent, ranging from not even knowing them, to wishing we didn't know them. John and I really had problems after the twins were born, I'm not sure he was prepared for kids, nor was I, and there was abuse. But counseling couldn't help, and he couldn't admit to his problems, the Army turned their backs, and eventually I left. I'm not proud of the things we did to hurt each other during the divorce. I wish it had been different. But it's done... so moving on...
Nate is also once divorced. He and his Ex were together 6 years... shotgun wedding (no pregnancy, just seemed like a good idea at the time!) shortly after they first met. She cheated on him the entire marriage, and he found out his 2 year old son was not *his*. It affects him profoundly, and I'm sure that little boy will never be the same, but Nate stayed as long as he did because that's what "Good Catholics" do. I don't mean that in a condescending way, just that his religous upbringing held him too long. He was an alcoholic, miserable, and is lucky he didn't get AIDS or some other STD during his marriage. Why do I tell you all of this? Because Nate and I have sworn that this marriage will be our last. We're both older now, and have learned mistakes from our previous marriages. And after the HORRIBLE divorces we went through, we're dead-set against another divorce. So, God help us, were in this for life once we say our vows. And honestly, we live together, and my children know and love him as their father, so we're in this for life now. We had a huge blow out yesterday, and we haven't been getting along, but we'll suck it up and go on. We have some issues to work out, there are definately some intimate lackings, determination keeps us together. You wouldn't believe some of the things we've worked through in the past year because we refused to give up. I'm sorry this is so long, I really hope you can work through all these issues, and have a happy, loving marriage. (((anons)))
I didn't get a chance to read *all* the posts but wanted to wish you luck!
I remember a few yrs ago hearing of a couple talk that had been married for like 65 yrs!! They were asked how they managed to stay married for so long... They replied 'We never fell out of love at the same time'!!! ;)
Something Pamt said struck me... She basically said men like your companionship even if you are not participating. I totally agree with her on this.
Here is my latest example -- My dh is building a fence right now a very large privacy fence with brick pillars. This isnt something most people would take on themselves. LOL He does the work himself which saves us money BUT, it takes ALOT of his time away from the family. I use to let projects like this really get me frustrated and angry. I now realize that *I* can go out and sit and watch him work or pull weeds around him or even help him and we can watch the kids play in the yard while working. Instead of me sitting inside feeling isolated or pouting because I never see dh. I was out there today for awhile and I noticed he really perked up when I was watching him work. We talked alot and he seemed excited that I was interested in what he was doing. I cant wait until its finished, obviously, but I am trying to make the best of it until then. ;)
Also, like Crystal said above, my dh and I have both been divorced before and we both agree that is NEVER an option for us. No matter how bad things get, we will go to counseling over and over again if we have too. And yes, we have been to counseling. I have been twice. We are in this marraige for the rest of our lives. We have the power to make it the best marraige ever or we can be miserable.
I hope you both get the help you need and I wish you the best for your families!!
I promise you will never met anyone who you won't have some sort of problem with. If you only have one problem I would suggest going to a counselor and working on your problem.
All these movies make everyone thing that super hot passions last forever. (I think they only last 2 years actually.) You also have super hot hormones at 20. Those go down too.
My girl friends only complaint about her husband is is filled a four bedroom house and a den with useless boxes of paper and junk. It is an ocd problem. She threw some stuff out and sent him into the hospital on an attack. She is ready to kill him. So that is a major problem.
Joyce, I am very sorry to hear about your marital problems, and I think it's really great you had the courage to post them here. While the first anons seemed to have the problem of lack of interest and emotion, I think your problem is different. In their cases, they could work on themselves and their own attitudes. In your case, it's your husband who is behaving very badly. Especially if he is cheating on you. I would say that you have the right to give him an ultimatum, to go to counseling or move. This is easy for me to say, I know. But for the other anons there was A LOT they could personally do to change the situation. In your case, it's not your attitude that needs to be changed (although I'm sure you're not perfect, just like none of us are) but HE's the one who needs to change big time. I'm not sure, but a line may have been crossed here. That's just my two cents. Big hugs to you.
just think about it logically. 50% of first marriages end in divorce. So you have odds against you as it is. Say you divorce and meet someone else. The odds are even higher that that marriage will end in divorce. You both are better off finding the problems and working on them. Because the problems you have now will most likely follow you into any other relationship you have. Not initially, but rest assured they will. Keep going forward. You can make it if you both want. If he is not willing to work on it then get counseling yourself so that next time you cannot make the same mistakes.
Joyce, I agree with Irene that your situation seems totally different from the situations of the anons who posted. I have a family member who has lived for years in a marriage that seems very similar to yours, and I hurt for her. I just don't feel that you or she should have to tolerate being treated in such a manner even for the sake of "saving the marriage." In my opinion there are worse things than divorce, and one of them is living in a total farce of a marriage. I consider myself to have a strong religious faith, and I personally do not feel that even God expects us to continue to live in a relationship where we are devalued as human beings. I know I can not speak for your marriage, but I know that my family member's marriage is one where she is the only one trying desperately to make it work. I believe that the logical thing for you to do now would be to go for counseling. The decision about what to do about your marriage is one that only you can make, but maybe you need some help in getting yourself to the point where you can make the right decison. I'll pray that you have the strength to do what you need to do.
Another thing I thought of. You said you want to leave him so he could find true love.
He might have found his true love with you and his children. He might be happy coming home to you and his children. I wouldn't worry about leaving so he can find true love. Just worry about yourself and let him take care of himself. He is a big boy.
Another thing I thought of. You said you want to leave him so he could find true love.
He might have found his true love with you and his children. He might be happy coming home to you and his children. I wouldn't worry about leaving so he can find true love. Just worry about yourself and let him take care of himself. He is a big boy.
Joyce, I didnt read your post earlier. I just wanted to suggest telling your dh to take a hike! Sorry, but that is wrong for him to expect you to live the rest of your life with no intimacy. How terribly cruel and selfish of him to expect you to be happy with the way things are. He has some serious issues.
My dh and I have issues from time to time but atleast when I explain to him that something is bothering me enough to seek counseling if we cant work it out on our own he will *finally* either rethink the situation from my point of view or he will allow me to go talk to a counselor about it. This was not the case with my first husband. Trying to talk to him was like beating my head into a brick wall over and over again. He never would listen to me or be understanding. If I suggested something needed to change or complained he would with hold sex. He wasnt right in the head. You should be able to work things out and compromise with your spouse.
If I was not getting any intimacy from my dh and he was off satisfying himself he would be out the door. Sorry, but that is incredibly selfish.
If you are really miserable than I don't see much point to living like that.
Thanks to all those who have responded to my post. I can't tell you how incredibly difficult it was for me to post that and to not do it anonymouusly. But I figured it's been TOO long where I have been basically not allowing myself to feel things. Just trying to stay numb & busy and now that I'm coming to grips with the severity of my situation, I just don't want to hide anymore.. not from myself, from him or from all of you. I guess that's why I came out "in the open". After re-reading the post, there is one section which can be easily misinterpreted where I said "He won't let me go either." What I meant was he won't divorce me and let me go in that respect. You may have miscontrued that as he won't let me go to counseling. He actually encourage me to go when I brought up counseling a few years back but was very hesitant to get involved himself. I just never followed through on it. My dh doesn't even know that I'm going through this right now. Yes.. I've been alittle short with him lately, can barely stand to look at him or talk to him but he has no clue why. He thinks it's because I'm tired from working full time, taking care of our two boys, taking care of the house, our finances, while he is mostly on travel. He thinks I'm grumpy because of that. He is leaving today for a 4 four business trip and every time he leaves, I feel a knot in my stomach. Yes, I am miserable but as I posted earlier.. when I see my two little boys, frolicking around with him, I can't bear to think of breaking up the marriage. Therein lies my dilemma. I really don't know what to do. My dh said that I was being selfish.. that we both just need to accept things as they are..for the sake of our boys.. that we (him and I) shouldn't matter as much as giving them a stable, loving home. Despite our problems, we do try to provide that for them. It's just lately, things are getting to me.. I guess. My dh is probably just as unhappy as I am because of this situation. I can see his point but I can see all of yours, too. I'm planning to talk to him when he gets back. From now to then, I have to muster up enough courage and balls to do so. I do appreciate all of your honest and straightforward opinions.
(((((((Hugs))))))) to all of you struggling. I hope that somehow, you can get things worked out. We are all here anytime you need anything. Good luck.
Fortunately, I have a good marriage and we are very much in-love with eachother. I do know, however, that being married is sort of like a job, you have to work at it to make it work. It does take two, and you have to want it to work.
Joyce, I will be blunt. Your husband is a manipulator. For him to say, that YOU were being selfish.. “that we both just need to accept things as they are..for the sake of our boys” is absolutely ludicrous. Please do not fall for this. I know that in your head a voice is telling you this, but your husband sounds like a good talker who has you confused about what is right and wrong. That is why I’m being so blunt. I want to be a voice of reason who is telling you what you already know. Your HUSBAND is the selfish one. He has you convinced that white is black and black is white, but you know what the reality is. I’m for counseling, so a 3rd party can help you decide and do what is right.
Irene, your bluntness is greatly appreciated. I know it is really hard for people to understand the complexities of my situation. This has been going on for 10 years now and it is largely and equally my fault for allowing it to go on this long. The last time I approached him about this was about 15 months ago and that's when he told me what that we can't be selfish.... for the sake of our boys. I told myself I would go to counseling but never followed through due to all that was on my plate. After awhile you just learn to live with it and keep busy. We never brought it up again since then. But this time, I feel different. I feel a strange resolve to follow through this time and a tremendous sense of sadness because of it. Believe it or not, my dh is a good person. He comes from a dysfunctional family but his heart is generally good and he loves us little boys so much. I think he is suffering from something he may not even know himself and is scared to find out what it is. I will have to find the strength for the two of us to muddle through this .. somehow. I will seek out counseling.. for sure.
Be strong, Joyce. I can sense your energy. You go, girl. Maybe when your husband sees your resolve he will join you in fixing this.
*** Ya' all are going to have to over look my spelling and rambling I should have been in bed two hours ago***
Joyce, I don't know you but I get a sense that you are the wife that doesn't voice her opinion until she feels pushed to the wall. You don't agree with what DH says or thinks but you don't like confronation so you don't "stir the pot". So when you do say something he doesn't take you or your concerns serriously. I have a friend like this. Her DH says something right or wrong she goes along with him. Basically she just muttles through life thinking but never expressing her thoughts. She was raised that her opinions didn't matter, she was to do what she is told and now as an adult she fears rejection and she won't be confrontational in any situation. And I have seen her try to express her opinion but because she won't stand behind what she says he just brushes her off. This isn't just the fault of her husband though. It is a cycle she has created by sitting back and letting him think that she is fine because she seldom if ever will say anything that might upset the pot. But how is he to know that there is a problem if she doesn't spell it out for him. Men don't see things like we do. They don't pick up our moods unless we are extreem with them (laughing, screaming or crying) anything else they take for granted that we are A-ok. If you say I need to be touched and then say nothing for 15 months and then say I need to be touched and say nothing again for another 15 months then he doesn't see the day to day issue. I honestly think you need to go to counsiling. I think that you might have some emotional issues that you have carried into your marriage or that are steming from your marriage. Which ever it might be you need to learn to say what you feel, need, want and say it when you need it not after 15 months and you are mad. Once again I don't know you but it sounds like you might have some self worth issues. He says you are selfish and you take it like he might be right. Just seems you got some major issues going on there that go beyond the marriage (both of you do) and they are spiralling down and effecting your marriage not so much the marriage effecting you.
And for the rest of you anon's. Marriage is not 50 50. It is not give or take. A lot of times it is give give give and then it switches and becomes take take take. It is a lot of hard work. People meet people and think... HMM, he/she will do. I can change him/her. It is him/her with the problem not me. We go into marriages with a picture in our head of how perfect things will be and about how he or she will read my thoughts and fufill our every whim. But we forget the key things in life. Talking for one. We forget or are scared to speak our honest minds. We sugar coat and pretend with everyone around us so that we can put up a front that everything is perfect that we are in a health solid marriage and that we are solid people when we aren't. Because anything less is unacceptable. Admitting that there is a problem would be like admitting that we are a failure/ a looser. And we all know that the loosers are the worst. We are the children we were in school just in grown bodies. We suffer out of fear of rejection, we don't speak our minds because of fear of loss. We run around killing ourselves trying to put up the front of perfection, all the time looking for brownie points and get upset when the DH doesn't thank us for our sacrfices but yet we seldom if every thank him for the sacrifices he had made for us. We compair notes and make claims like "never in my marriage". We make small issues into huge issues in our heads and then we stew on them and let them fester until the man we look at becomes a stranger. Through frustration (of not speaking our minds) and pain (from him not noticing) we build walls and then we sit on the other side of them saying "you don't love me or you would take down that wall". But the thing is for years you didn't speak, You didn't express your wants, needs, dreams. He went along in his life doing the things he thought were right/the things he thought you wanted (working to death to buy you that huge house, the car and supporting you in that life style so you can be a SAHM for example), flying by the seat of his pants and years down the road you say I don't want any of this we have grown apart. Here he is worked his tail off to give you all these gifts that most women aren't lucky enough to have but you over look that and say he never spends any time with me. But do you say when it all starts, DH It would be nice to have the house the Jones's live in but I would so much rather have the extra time with you? No you wait, then when time has passed you say, you never loved me you work so much you never are home and forget why he has worked all those hours in the first place. I agree 100% with everything PamT said, you have to talk. You have to start out talking and you have to never stop talking. Talk about anything and everything. Play word games with each other. Learn about each other. Because let me tell you that that love/spark that brought you together is not what makes a marriage. And marriage is not based off of love it is based off of a commitment. My love for my DH is different today than it was a month ago and it is surely different than what it was 18 years ago. No he isn't the man I married he is much more than that now. And my feelings for him go much deeper than any level of love I would ever be able to express. And to me he is my family, my (trying to think of a word here, lets say) commitment to him is no different than my commitment to my children. If my son didn't do what I wanted I wouldn't divorce him I would sit him down tell him what was wrong and have him help me decide how we should go about fixing the problem. Some where, our society has muttled what marriage is and we chase a dream that isn't out there and we neglect what we have. Marriages are throw away. People wake up and decide the grass is greener and they want whatever one else has (which often is a lie). But the spark dies because you let it die. You let your commitment to your spouse slip. You get drawn into all the hype of life in this day and age and you forget to appriciate the gifts you are given. My DH is my lover, my friend, my partner in crime not because I am lucky but because I have worked very hard at it. I have talked myself blue in the face, I have begged cried and screamed to get my point accross, We have been to places in our life than many of you will never know and I have no regrets. Because in all honesty, all marriages need work, all men are jerks (sorry John but it is the truth) and all women are overly dramatic (those are the facts of life). Instead of looking for the dream man and the dream life you need to make your man your dream man and make your life your dream life. Because no one else but you can make you happy and we all would do good accepting that and stop putting the blame on everything around us. If we are unhappy it is our own fault.
I have gone on and on but I have one more point to make..... When we are angry or disappointed with our spouses we have an ability to not see the things that are good about them or what attracted us to them in the first place. (Friend says, When I am mad at DH I think he is the most ugliest man in the world, all of his failures come to the front of my head and all the good things he has done for me just melt away to nothing.)
I think Pam was right. You need to sit down and start a list. List off all of his good points that drew you too him and make a point to look for those points in him every day. At first you might have to look really hard to find them but before long you will find all that you have lost. Because I am almost certain that you haven't fallen out of love with him you are actually just to the point where you are not seeing the good parts of him anymore and the ones you are seeing are just after thoughts/mute at this point.
I am sure I have more to say but it is late. I will leave this as is for now. I am sure like Karen I will have more to say later. This subject is very touchy to me too. I just don't think we are taught how to be married (what marriage means and how to make it work), have children or live a happy life to begin with. We are taught to throw up our hands, much easier than having to fight and give up.
Wow, Bobbie, I'm going to print out what you just wrote and give it to my daughter when she gets older(and sisters and friends). You are very wise (as are a lot of other people on this board).
Bobbie, I am moved to tears by the things you wrote. There are all so true. DH and I have a pretty solid marriage but I can always use a reminder about taking him for granted.
"We run around killing ourselves trying to put up the front of perfection, all the time looking for brownie points and get upset when the DH doesn't thank us for our sacrfices but yet we seldom if every thank him for the sacrifices he had made for us." That is exactly what I do and I'm only setting myself up for disappointment and setting DH up to fail, in my eyes. Neither of us can win. Thank you for sharing the wisdom that you have gained, Ginny. We can all learn from good marriages, and good marriage makers like you and Pam.
A few more points... About the not getting brownie points. We push ourselves to the point of burn out and then we complain because no one cares. But they don't understand why we are burnt out because we have shouldered the issues for so long with out saying a word they take us for granted too. Men get into cycles of comfort. They don't oil a wheel that doesn't squeek. And they aren't mind readers. We set ourselves up to end up burnt out and mad and then we want to point fingers at them.
We neglect ourselves for our families and don't understand why our spouses aren't there pampering us. They don't get it that is why. You need to make sure you take care of yourself first. An over worked over stressed and uncared for mom is not a good mom. Tell him how to pamper you or take the pampering upon yourself but don't blame him when he doesn't notice or act the way you are expecting him to. They don't think or see things from our point of view. They think if there is an issue she will say something, you think he should see the issue and fix it because that is what you do for them. I know women that expect flowers and when they don't get them they get mad. And I know women that hate flowers waste of money and get mad because DH gets them some. Basically some men are damned no matter what they do. We as women have a habit to let disappointment fester into anger and anger into lashing out. We show this many times through rejection, one of our biggest fears by the way. And we sit back and blame them all the way through. But if we would stop stewing and start facing the issues right when they happen there would be a lot more happy women and a lot more happy marriages out there.
Another thing we do. We get married and we become Mrs so and so. Then we have children and we become so and so's mom. We forget to nurture who we were before we took on all of our titles and we get lost in their lives and our duties that come along with those titles. And then we get depressed and resentful when it is no ones fault but our own but we (human nature) blame our spouses. Can't be our own fault, has to be theirs. Example, I had DD, I took all the resposiblity DH did nothing (even if he wanted to and I wouldn't let him). I start neglecting myself trying to be the good wife the good mom and then one day I look in the mirror and I don't know who I was. That is not my DH's fault. That is my fault. Because when I needed a break I didn't order in dinner and leave the dishes sit until the next day. When I should have danced I vacumed. When I should have sang I stressed. When I should have gave thanks I complained. And the whole point is... Dishes will wait and children will grow but in the end of my life I have no one to blame for being un happy but me. There is nothing I want to do that I can't do. My children will still grow even if my laundry is never done. My children will still prosper even if I commit the selfish act of spending an hour snuggling with my DH before bed instead of reading the same bed time story for the fifth time that night. And my children will not suffer if I decide that instead of being a stay at home mom I want to go back to work or school because I need more in my life than being a wife and a mother. People say, your children should come first. I think this is wrong. I think you should come first. I think you should be able to commit to yourself before you ever try to commit to anyone else. You can't love anyone completley if you can't love yourself. We need to stop trying to be something we aren't and accept who and what we are and go after what we want for the sake of our children not inspite of them. Some of us are born to be SAHM's and others aren't. Some of us are born to be Martha Stewart and some of us are not. One is not better than the other and we need to stop putting oursleves into distructive patterns for the sake of everyone else. A social person, becomes depressed if kept in the house surrounded by children that can't communicate with a DH that is trying to work as many hours as he can to provide for his wife to be able to stay home all this spirals into an unhappy marriage and family. A woman that is driven by knowledge and stimulation drowns in a life of Barney and the Wiggles. Loving your children doesn't mean having to loose who you are and what you love. If you have no joy in your life, if you are feeling like you are just muttling through it is time to step up and do something about it because sitting back and waiting won't make it go away. And divorce surly won't make it go away. It is time to sit DH down and tell him that you need to make some changes in your life and follow through because constantly saying it and not following through only shows that you don't really mean it to your DH. IF being a stay at home mom is making you depressed, go to work, join a womens group, start bowling. If DH isn't helping around the house and you are running yourself down, talk to your DH. Tell him the truth. That you have bitten off more than you can chew. That you are very overwhelmed with everything. That you can't go on like this and why ( I am depressed ). Tell him why you have done everything you have. (Growing up my mom did all this and I thought I could but I can't, I am trying to make you happy, this is what I always wanted w/e.) Tell him how he can help you or tell him you don't expect him to pick up the slack but you have to do this for the sake of your family and list off the things you will be changing (instead of doing laundry daily I will only be doing two loads every other day, yes this means the laundry will back up but I can't do laundry every day any more I need a break) ( I will keep the main parts of the house clean but the beds won't be getting made any more I need to find some time for myself) ( I thought I could do this whole stay at home thing but I can't I really think I need to look into going back to work, for me to be the best mom I can be I have to take some time during the day for myself) Not placing blame but accepting the blame for this happening. And another thing that seems to go over very well is bring up a discussion. I saw on the TV the other day, a friend on line said, that type of thing. Tell him a story and then tell him that this made you do some soul searching and some rethinking and that you recognized some of the issues in yourself and that you don't want to become like them so you think you need to make some changes and make them. But you need to stop living in your head and live in your life.
And.... You weren't born in love with your spouse. You became in love with your spouse. And if you can let go of the anger and resentments you can become in love again. Falling out of love doesn't just happen it takes time and falling back in love takes time. But there is no man out there that will read your mind. There is no man out there that is perfect. We all fall short and we all make mistakes and mistakes become habits and habits become resentments and lives become out of control. But there is nothing in life that can't be fixed when there is a commitment to fix it. I can't say it enough, Talk talk talk. Your efforts will change your life........
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