Ginny or anyone with knowledge of this???
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Ginny or anyone with knowledge of this???
My ds (12) has decided he wants to try living with his Dad more full time. Which is ok with me I guess.  I dont want him to look back and say I never let him do this, ya know?
SO last night the ex husband is here talking about this new living arrangement and he tells me and my husband that he wants to quit paying child support for BOTH kids???? His logic is that he would then be supporting one kid in his home full time and I am supporting the other kid in my home and his exact words were that this shoudl be a *Wash*... In other words he doesnt pay support and I dont pay him support for the child that is residing in his home. Well, somehow that doesnt sound right to me??? Wouldnt he just cut his payment in HALF?? I dont want to be unfair, but I dont want to be stupid either. I want to do whats in the best interest of the kids.
Does anyone know what the *norm* is in a situation like this?
I am going to call my attorney today and see what she says. This is a man that has never increased pymts in the last 7 yrs and I never pursued it. I do have FULL custody and really dont have to let my ds live with his Dad--I am really trying to keep everyone happy.
He informed me that his food bill sure was high last month with ds there full time. Wellllllll try feeding 3 boys! ugh...
I am not in a good mood today, he said many things to me yesterday that I didnt think were very appropriate. I am SO glad I am not married to him anymore. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
{{{{{Anon}}}}} I think I know who you are. If I'm right, you've got my email. Let us know what your attorney says. If your oldest does go live with him full time, I can see where your ex would think not paying would make you "even". You'd have one child with you that he should be paying support on, and he'd have one child with him that you should be paying support on. I guess that's his reasoning. Sucks, though. Anyway, more hugs, and I hope you can get this worked out.
Thanks Cat and you do know me!! 
I cant get into my attorney's office until the 21st!!! They wouldnt give any advice over the phone. My ex wanted to quit paying *this* week. I hope he holds off because I want to make an informed decision.
He just bought a new truck and after 6-7 yrs of being divorced thinks ds can move in with him now and he will quit paying support. My guess is that would help him make that $500 truck pymt. grrrrrr I am pretty ticked off. I am sorry, I am being tacky.
I'm not a lawyer, but it seems to me that since child support is court-mandated, neither one of you can just decide to change the 'rules' without something official. As far as the court is concerned, you still have full custody, unless you went to court to change that when your ds went to live with his dad.
I don't know any attorney that does not handle questions over the phone - they certainly can bill for telephone time!
Kay is correct. Whatever you agree upon, it is not valid or binding without going through the court and becoming *legal*. As far as cutting the payment in half, that's not necessarily correct either. In my state, child support is determined by the father's and mother's income, whoever has the greater income is responsible for a greater percentage of support of ANY child. So, if one child goes to live with your X and you have another one living with you, AND your X makes more money than you do, he would likely still have to pay you support, but the amount would be determined by the schedules set forth in your state.
I am not a lawyer, and that is why you should talk to your lawyer. (And, by the way, I'm surprised your lawyer didn't get a cost of living increase built into your child support.) I agree with kay, unless it goes through the court it is not official. And I agree with Karen about the income of the two parents being an important factor in child support calculations.
I would suggest you talk to your lawyer about whether you do want to make this offical, that is, go through the court, just yet. Your son might change his mind in a few months and if his dad has been legally named the custodial parent you could be in a real bind.
Excellent point made by Ginny - it's very possible that your DS might spend a month, or even 2 or 3 there with his dad, and decide he wants to come *home*. Do NOT change your custody status at this time.
However, you DO need to speak with your attorney about the child support issues. And remember, if you file to have the child support adjusted if your DS DOES go stay with his dad right now, THAT will become the legal and binding agreement and if your DS comes back to you, you will have to re-file to get full child support back.
There's probably a way to do a temporary, but legal, type of child support agreement, but again, your lawyer is the one best qualified to advise you on this.
Good luck!
They might be able to make it an open agreement, meaning flexible for the child to come back. Has to be done in court. I was just in to the court again last week and there was a guy who had his daughter all summer. He was behind in support and trying to get credit for the three months that he had her. The hearing officer told him tough toots, because your agreement doesn't say anything about support and summers, even if you have her for the summer you must still pay support to the mother. And he also pointed out that the mother still had costs for the child that she needed to maintain through the summer. Here's an even better story! There was a guy who HAD CUSTODY of his daughter for a year and a half and was still jailed for not paying her support! Because he did not go back to court and change the order it was still active! Child support enforcement knew he had the child but did nothing. Now she owes him money that he will probably never see and he had to pay fees and jail costs and money to get his license back! He will NOT be reimbursed by the state and will only get money from mother if he pursues her legally. Which will cost MORE money! Get it taken care of legally!
The court should definitely take into account both of your incomes and also the number of children you have with you. You may well have to pay though. PLease update us as I am curious how it will work out. Can you tell what state you are in?
Thanks for your input ladies. We will be speaking w/ my attorney next week. She is really good and it will be worth it to sit down with her and talk I know!!
Ginny, there is nothing about cost of living in my decree. BUT it is in the decree that ex was suppose to be providing me w/a copy of his W2 every yr so I could see how much increase in pay he has recv'd. He never has done this. We found a check stub in our driveway of his the other day (fell out of his vehicle) and he has gone from about $13 an hr when we divorced to over $20 an hr. So I am pretty peeved. I *thought* he wanted to play fair--but I should have known better.
The ex and I are pretty good about agreeing out of court on most things and keeping things fair. But this is something that I will pursue legally. I am no longer willing to risk that ex is being straight with me after the whole check stub thing. grrrrrr
I have no income, I am a sahm and very part time college student. I have remarried since my divorce and wonder if they then look at my dh's income to go by? Or do they just look at mine? I hope that isnt a stupid question. lol Between dh and I we have 4 kids.
This support pymt that I am getting is suppose to cover med/den ins for the kids as well. So if he quits paying then he is going to have to come up with ins for them on his own instead of using my dh's ins. Because he is required to provide that per our divorce decree. And of course college savings acct's comes to mind. ugh...
Kim, those stories were pretty interesting! Thanks. If I have to pay, I have to pay. I want to do whats right by my kids. I wont change the custody tho. EVER. This ds that is moving in with him, ex actually adopted. He is my bio ds. I am really upset that ds acts like I am so horrible and he insists he needs to be at his *dad's*. His Dad is a self absorbed, lazy, irresponsible jerk. He is using this as a ploy to quit paying--I kid you not, for yrs he refused to let ds live with him. Said his work was too busy, carries pager gets calls all times of the day, gets called out of town, etc... Now suddenly this yr ds can come live with him and he has told his work that ds comes first now?????? Yeah right! This has to do with new truck pymt. Thats what a JERK the guy is.
This is a man that use to leave our bills unpaid leave me home with 2 toddlers and go on expensive hunting trips.
The reason I never told my ds that this man adopted him is because ex didnt want me too. He said he was afraid ds would love him less if he knew. There is a very mad part of me that wants to tell ds. But I am just venting and mad right now. I just HATE my ex and am really tired of being so nicey nicey... From now I on I am going to go thru my attorney before making decisions. Its sad its come to this.
I feel like our other ds is getting shafted all the time and that is HIS BIO ds. It makes no sense. (of course he has no desire to live with his dad whatsoever. He loves it here with us.)
Thanks for the input and thanks for hearing my vent. lol!! ;)
Anon, I understand your desire to not be confrontational and to be "fair". My ex was pretty good about child support and, since we were separated for a looooong time before the divorce, alimony. But, when he hit a financial snag he stopped paying, and at the time I could manage so I went along with it. Two years later I said hey, how about starting paying AND catching up. He did start paying, but never did catch up and when he finally filed for divorce had no intention of paying the arrears until I said no arrears and I'll fight the divorce. Even then he "negotiated" the amount he paid down from what was actually owed - my lawyer said no point in fighting because of the amount involved.
Definitely, go through your attorney every time, and have the only contact being arrangements for visitation pickups/dropoffs and kid-related stuff. But, you have to be careful to not bring your kids into the battle - I can tell from your posts that you are already careful about your kids and not involving them in this stuff. But you'd be amazed how much they can pick up unless you are super careful - and of course, ex may not be all that careful.
As for your ds, well, 12-16 year olds are strange people some times. I went through that and the youngest lived with his dad for about a month - until his dad decided he simply could not handle him and brought him back, without warning, one Saturday morning.
I want to add something. It all depends on what state you are in. When I had no job the state still held me up to a minimum wage 40/week job. That's how they calculated what percentage I was responsible for. My dsd whom I have custody of is finally, at almost 16 (I have raised her since 1) going to get support from her bio mom. Bio mom has no job and her husband makes very very good money. She also has three more kids. Her husband isn't even part of the equation BUT she is held up to the same thing I was. She is responsible for 40 hours a week min. wage to claculate her portion. In Florida they will tell you that no job is no excuse. Here you have to wait every three years to have a wage check UNLESS you know there has been an increase of 5%. I don't know how they expect you to know this when jerks like my ex lie lie lie. Keep that stub, you may need it for proof. Or maybe your lawyer can do an employee search on him that will show his wages. When my ex's was run we found out that he makes more than twice what he was telling the court. Its amazing what someone will do to NOT take responsibility. But I digress......
I am sorry you have to go through this. It is a strange situation for your sons to be in. But it seems like about the right age and stage. My dsd romanticized what her relationship with her bio mom was going to be like and wanted to move in with her too. But it wasn't long before the honeymoon was over and it never got to that point. I was as open and supportive as possible because I knew what the odds were and I didn't let myself get upset. Had it blossomed into a better relationship I would have had to look at it as one more person to love my daughter. It may still be worked out at some point and I support my daughter if she chooses to have that relationship or not. Its a hard place to be but we have to remember that it is about the kids. And yes, I can totally believe that your ex would do it just to not have to pay because mine is the same way (the dad of the kids, not dsd's bio mom, LOLOL...this is probably very confusing...). I'm glad to hear you aren't changing custody at all, that's good. Glad you are talking to your lawyer too. Let us know what happens. Thes things interest me!
When my parents remarried my Step fathers income was factored into the total house hold income. He wasn't responisble for support but he was responsible for payment into the home, bills, food etc. The took the gross income of both sides figured up the percents per person and house hold bills. When my sister went to live with my dad (close to same age by the way and lasted less than six months) they had my mom paying dad and my dad was still paying mom. Yes it was like money in money out for dad because his income was much bigger than my moms so he still owed her. But that way both parties paid towards the rearing of both children. I wonder what the grounds for temporary placement are. Because I would lean towards that over a shift in custody. Maybe even a switch to a joint custody but not taking total control from you. Because I have seen this happen a lot and many kids realize they really had no clue and wanted to see how far they could take the situation.
In moms case she still retained full custody of both my sisters. . Dad had something like physical custody so mom still had final say.
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