I really need some help. I have a secret that I cannot talk to anyone about and it is killing me inside. I am really scared about posting this, but I really need some advice on what to do.

Last December, my DH's mother and father wanted to have a talk with me, DH, my SIL and her DH, and my DH's Aunt and Uncle. Everyone came over to my house. We all sat down and my DH's father started talking. We found out that something bad happened a long time ago. My DH's father, my FIL, molessted my DH's Aunt for about 8or9 years. My DH's Aunt gave up a child when she was 17 years old, but swears that it was not from him. She knows who the father is and said that nothing happened then. She got in contact with her DD and now she is part of the family. She acts and looks just like my SIL, DH's sister. When we found all this out, I was so disgusted and I just cried. We just had a baby and I didn't want my FIL or my MIL to come anywhere around MY family. Too this day, I still do not want anything to do with my FIL. I will never forgive him for what I know, and I will never leave my child with him. I don't know what to do. My DH and his sister swear that their father NEVER did anything to them and that he was a great dad to them. I'm sure that he was, but whenever he calls or I see him, I am keep to myself and I watch him very closely. I really don't know how to act anymore. It kills me to see him sometimes, and also, whenever we have family gatherings, everyone acts like nothing happened. My DH's Aunt is fine around him, my FIL's MIL is fine around him despite what he did to her "little girl", and my DH and his siter are fine around him. I cannot tell anyone about this, especially my parents. I want my child to know her grandparents for my DH's sake, but at the same time I don't want them around my child. Is there any way to get over this?

By Fionadeassis on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 12:04 am:

I can't give you any advice about getting over it.....

but definitely DO NOT let him be alone around your children even for a second(my sister was once molested literally in seconds in a department store by a stranger-it doesn't take long to do a lot of emotional damage).

Has there been counselling with any of the family or do they just pretend it didn't happen? Molesters don't usually just stop at only one kid. Especially if he was doing it for so many years......I wouldn't be surprised if your SIL wasn't also molested but has blocked it out(I was sexually abused by my stepfather and blocked it out for years....I didn't remember until he was long gone).

Sorry you have to be a part of this mess. At least you know that he did it(imagine if you didn't know and had left him alone with your kids?).......

After so many years of healing from my abuse I am still VERY wary of who I leave my kids with(sorry guys-but I will only leave them with female relatives).

I would never let a teenage boy babysit my kids or even a friend if I get a bad feeling from her boyfriend or husband.

Sometimes you have to go by your gut feeling.

What a crappy secret you get to keep. Hope you are watching out for other peoples kids around your FIL.

((((((HUGS)))))))

fiona

By Irene on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 12:15 am:

I'm confused. Just to get the details straight, your husband's father molested his own sister, or his wife's sister? How old was the girl? How old was he?

In any case, I can see where you'd be shocked and wary about being around him. What prompted him to "spill the beans" at this time? The aunt who was in attendence when he had the talk, was it the aunt who had been molested, or a different aunt? That must have been a shocker. Hugs to you.

By Anonymous on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 08:56 am:

Irene: Sorry for the confusion. He molested his wife's sister. I think that it started around the age of 7. The Aunt who attended when we had the talk was the Aunt who was molested. That Aunt and her DH confronted my FIL and told him that we needed to know, especially since we had a child now. They were trying to protect her, and I will always be thankful to them for that.

Fiona: My MIL told us that night that she still wanted to babysit, and that she would not leave the baby alone with him. My DH told her "NO". They will never watch her. My MIL, FIL, and the Aunt that was molested have all gone through counselling. I know that molesters don't usually stop after one kid, but he swore that he never did it again. He became a Christian and changed his ways. I still do not, nor will I ever trust him again. I use to tell my DH how alike his father and mine were because they both had similar personalities, but I will NEVER say that again.

I hate keeping this secret, but I love my DH sooooo much, and I could never do anything to hurt him. I can't imagine how he must feel knowing that his father could do something so awful. I am here for him and he seems to handel it pretty well.

By Juli4 on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 10:09 am:

no matter how much you love anyone your children are your first priority. Although I have never known anyone that molested someone and then "recovered" or anything I do not think that it is possible. I think it is like leaving an alcholoic in a room full of alcohol. I agree with you that you should never leave your child with them no matter how much your mil insists. That was a despicable act and I cannot see how anyone can accept him especially his wife (which in my opinion is an enabler) and the aunt. I really don't agree with it. I think people somehow are not seeing the seriousness of what happened and your children are better off not having teh risk of this happening (and it is there). As hurtful as it is to your dh I would not be around this man at all or his wife. Somehow they have justified it in their mind or somehow think it was not that bad or something, but this is very serious and what he did was despicable. I do believe in forgiveness and I do not think that you should hate him or talk about him or anything of the such, but there is no way I would be around him or let my children be around him or his wife. I believe that if it happened for 8 or 9 years the wife found out and is still with him means she either knew and didn't say anything (which happens al ot) or she choose to overlook it and regardless how sorry a man is for that a woman who still continues to live with and sleep with this man is just as bad in my book. I don't know what your husband thinks, but do not let him gloss over this and think that it wasn't that bad, or that it happened a long time ago or anything like that. I can see his wife staying, people forgetting about it or moving on if it was a consenting adult, but it was a scared innocent child that was violated for years. That is just what I think.

By Colette on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 10:18 am:

I think Juli hit the nail on the head. Keep these people away from your child. A child can be molested in a houseful of adults. It's not just a being left alone with her thing. Trust your instincts.

By Anonymous on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 11:00 am:

I know that my child comes first. I would NEVER put her in harms way. I also LOVE my husband. I do not understand why she stayed with him either. She said that she wanted her kids to have a father. If I knew that my dad did this, I would NEVER talk to him again. They (my MIL & FIL) have moved recently and we do not see them as much, and that is a good thing. My MIL is coming down in November, but my FIL isn't because of work. I am fine with that. His wife knew nothing about it. His wife's sister finally put a stop to it and that is how it all ended.

My husband is disgusted with his father. He does not gloss over it, but knows that he was a good father to him. I know that he was, but it still does not change the fact that he did do it. He is a molester, and always will be "titled" as one in my book. I know that my DH's parents will never watch my child, and my husband agrees. He says that he still loves his dad, but will never trust him again.

I always told myself that I would never have anything to do with someone like that and now I have one in my family. I HATE having to pretend to like my FIL around other people.

By Juli4 on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 11:40 am:

I know that you are in a hard spot and so is your dh becasue for all of his life his father was a good dad and then to find this out is definetely very difficult. I can see that you would not put your child in harms way. I just feel as though they are a disfunctional couple. I mean imagine if it were your husband admitting to molesting someone. Would you stay for the kids of all things. This guy molests a kid and then you stay so he can be a father. I bet this was not the only time and his perversion for children is not over or gone. I just question what woman would stay with a man like this. My mom was one of then that stayed while knowing. She is very dysfunctional and I have no respect for her. I don't have any more advice. You should not feel guilty for any decision you make because it was you fil that brought this on himself. His decision and action and he is the only one to blame. You are not responsible to keep the peace or everyone happy. YOu are responsible to do teh right thing and from my perspective I wouldn't have anything to do with either of them and if the family has bones about it or blames you for causing discord then remind them who it was that devestated and totally changed this little girl for 8 years. His selfish ugly actions totally scarred her no matter how much counseling and changed who she became. That is not acceptable in my opinion.

By Anonymous on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 11:58 am:

I'll post as Anon 2

Was the girl 16/17 at the time? Rape comes to mind instead of molestation.

My sister dated a boy when she was 16 he was 17. After a year of dating, his mom and dad asked my mom and dad up for a discussion.

They were told this young boy molested a 5 yo girl when he was 12.

Now they tell us! His whole family acted as if nothing happened It was just like another part of their life. Nothing was ever done about it. But it does give insight to my sister's problems along the years. I'm pretty sure he date raped my sister. I question her many times and she does not deny it. I really believe all of her problems stem from this situation.

She was so happy go lucky, etc. After dating him it was awful.

I don't think there is a way to get over this. I think it will always be in the back of your mind. You are a mom and of course you want to protect your children.

You do what you need to do. No questions asked.

I have to agree with everyone above.

However, there just isn't something right about this whole situation

By Anonymous on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 12:04 pm:

No one blames me for acting the way I do. My husbands family is very disfunctional and the funny thing about it is that before he knew about this he would be the first to say that his family was disfunctional. He doesn't want our family (Me, Him, & our Child) to be disfuctional, and I always tell him that things will be fine.

If I found out that my husband did something like this, I would be out the door. My child does not need someone in her life like that. I wish that we could cut off his parents, but my husband does not want to. He loves his mom very much.

By Anonymous on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 12:12 pm:

I can not offer any advice but I can tell you this. My sister and step sister were sexually molested. My step sister was molested when she was FOUR years old. From the abuse she is unable to have children. I watched her struggle to adopt for years and it is heart breaking. My sister was abused by her step father. She has been thru so much counseling, and now that she has a daughter she is paranoid to leave her anywhere. To think that everyone in your family sat down and talked about it, like it was "normal". Creep!

By Anonymous on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 12:19 pm:

We had no choice, but to talk about it. I didn't know what they were coming over to say. They just thought that we should know so we could protect our family. I know that sounds horrible. It's like saying to keep him away, which I try to do. I am just so confused and wish that this would all go away!!!!!!

By Irene on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 01:05 pm:

I agree with what Juli said. Your children come first. Also, as for your FIL being a good father, isn't it always the case that evil people have a good side? Whenever a murderer or rapist gets caught, the neighbors always say, "He seemed like such a good guy. He was always nice to me." But that doesn't erase the evil.

By Emily7 on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 02:21 pm:

Take it from someone that has been molested, keep your child away. My grandmothers boyfriend molested me in a house full of people, more than once. He didn't care who or what he was hurting as long as he got his gratification. I truly do not believe that they change, I was told he did & then found out he was doing the same thing to his grandson's.
He had my grandmother believing that I told him my dad hurt me.
I also think that any one that stays with a man that molested her sister has some issues as well & I can not believe she put her children in danger by staying with him.

By Mommmie on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 03:10 pm:

I've had to pass on this type of news to a neighbor about another neighbor (they were friends with each other and 1 boy was molesting the boy in the other family). I thought it would end their friendship, that they would want to stay away from a family who had a child who was molesting their child, but they didn't. They are still friends and their sons continue to play together even though one of them has this compulsion to mess with the privates of other kids and has done this for 6+ years.

Denial and the desire to portray oneself and their families as great and perfect to the outside world is often more powerful than doing the right thing. (And that goes for the man's wife and the other family members who act like nothing happen and anyone else who wants to maintain a relationship for any reason.)

Sounds like you know what you have to do. You know there is still a risk. You don't feel right pretending everything is groovy.

I would walk away from both the man and his wife and don't look back. Studies show this particular compulsion never goes away.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 06:01 pm:

This is tragic and you and your dh have my deepest sympathy. I cannot begin to understand why the family is acting the way it is, but thank the Lord that they did tell you. If your dh is willing to walk away from all except his Mom, I would do just that. And of course you don't want him anywhere near your kids and she cannot babysit them. I agree, molestation can happen in a house full of people, so he simply cannot be allowed near them.

What a mess - I cannot begin to imagine what is going through your mind. Nor can I imagine how you are going to tell your kids they cannot be around their grandfather. What a mess!!

By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 11:10 am:

Well DH and I discussed this issue again last night. I asked him if he trusted his father, and he said, "I don't know". Then I said that if you say that you don't know, then you don't trust him. He said, "I guess I don't". I told him how I felt about the situation AGAIN, and told him that his father will never be allowed to be around our child by himself, even with other people in the house. I do not trust him, and I do not like him. My DH fully understands and agrees 100%. I asked him if he thought he would do it again, and he said no. I asked him why, and he said that because neither him or his sister were ever molested. I asked him if he was sure, and he said yes. He then called his sister to ask her again, just incase. She assured him that he never touched her in any way. She said that she would have remembered. I told my DH that there is ALWAYS a chance of something happening again and I WILL NOT put our child in any harm, or make her a statistic. I told my DH that since his parents have moved and are not near, then he can still talk to him if he wants, but if they ever do move back, his father will not be able to be around her without me or him around her too. He agreed to it.

By Anonymous on Thursday, October 14, 2004 - 04:08 am:

My heart goes out to you!! my husband and I gained custody of his brother early this year. He was adopted some years ago by my hubbies parents. By then the damage was done, He had already been abused physically and emotionally.He started acting out in 2000-01, My in-laws also had their 2 other granchildren living with them. Myhusband's brother took photos of the little girl, but nothing was ever said about any physical abuse. I didn't find out about anything until after the custody was transferred and I began going thru his medical records. I couldn't believe my eyes. I understand how your are feeling. There's nothing like being left out of a loop. Who's to say that it wouldn't have happened again, to another child/teenager or even a grown woman.My inlaws have never shared their son's history with me or my husband and I have 2 girls of my own.It really shows you where people's priorties are. My advice: follow your gut and stick with it. It sounds like you have a good idea of how you want to handle the situation.

By Emily7 on Thursday, October 14, 2004 - 10:35 am:

I just want to add one more thing.
Sometimes when people have been sexually or emotionally abused for a long time they protect the abuser.
I guess what I am trying to say is that just because someone is saying they were not abused does not have happened.