How much does.....and a long vent included, sorry! 
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive October 2004:
How much does.....and a long vent included, sorry!
... your DH help around the house and with the kids? How much do you expect him to?
And yes this will include a DH vent from me, lol! I think i'm at my wits end with DH. He doesn't do anything around here to help out and really doesnt do anything that entitles him to wear the "father" title. His only chores around the house are picking up the backyard from the doggy "stuff" and keeping up on the trash which is usually taking it out every other day and putting it on the curb Thursdays for the trash guy. Thats all he has to do! But he doesn't! I'll give him credit for putting the trash on the curb Thursdays and emptying the trash in the kitchen once I leave it overflowing for a few days hoping for him to notice. He noticed cat vomit on the floor the other day and told me about it as if he had a broken hand and couldnt pick it up while I was doing dishes. Friday night I wasn't feeling good so I told him he could heat up leftovers for dinner and at about 8:00 he was asking if I could fry him some spam, and this was while he was sitting on his butt watching tv. He's had a pile of clean laundry waiting to be put away for over a week now and I refuse to do it. I feel like im his slave lately. And get this, he was in the bathroom the oher day and asked me to get him a roll of toilet paper to refill... yet the roll was right next to him under the sink, arms distance!
As far as DD goes, he comes home from work asking when her bedtime is. He has not a lick of patience with her. I turned down my job offer because i'd rather pay a sitter than have her own dad watch her which would then defeat the whole purpose of being a SAHM. I'm with DD every second of the week and just because DH gets weekends off doesnt mean its easier for me. He assumes no responsibility for her. And if he does volunteer to watch her so I can lie down and attemt to take a nap or something all I hear is him yelling at her nonstop so I feel the need to go "rescue" her. Last night I was at my wits end so I walked to the park in our neighborhood by myself to sit and enjoy the peace and quiet before I had a nervous breakdown. I didnt ask him to watch her, I just walked out and I think for once he got the point. Well when I came back in 1/2 hour later DD had a welt on her back. He said he spanked her for throwing a tantrum. Thats fine but you DO NOT spank her any other other place her diaper ON her behind, not her back and not as hard as I imagine he did it from the size of the welt.
I can see myself building up a resentment towards my DH because I can never get "me" time without worrying about DD with him. He was never like this, this has been in the last month or two. He used to adore her and would never think to touch her. I dont know whats going on with him and hes not the greatest person to talk to when it comes down to confronting him because no matter how I word it, he gets extremely defensive, a trait he got from his "dear" old Dad.
Most everyone knows were TTc #2 right now and im sitting here thinking, hes going to drive me to a mental hospital. If I have 2 kids and hes like this im going to go crazy.
But as far as "our" relationship, just the 2 of us, its great. Hes thoughtful, brings cards and flowers on no special occasion, we cuddle and watch movies every night after DD goes to bed, he offers massages, he tells me how great I am and is just perfect on the romantic side of things.
I'm just lost,don't know what do to, don't know what to say. We've argued about this before and he gets better for a day then its back to the same old song and dance....
And advice is appreciated!
Wow, Melissa, I'm sorry you're going thru this. First and foremost is that Kaitlyn comes first. He couldn't handle her for 1/2 an hour without hitting her hard enough to cause a welt? That is concerning. From the location of it it sounds like he'd just had it and reached out and whacked whatever body part was closest, which would be an out of control anger, not a calm, deliberate spank. Spanking for tantrums isn't effective anyway; tantrums should be ignored. If you get pregnant now, you'll have a newborn and a two year old. That will NOT be easy, so if he can't handle just one child, that is worrisome. Kaitlyn will probably get more difficult before she gets better. She needs time and if you put more time between kids I think you'll all have an easier time of it.
Mrse made a good point. Perhaps something is going on that you don't know about and he's taking it all out on you guys. That would explain the sudden turnaround. But then why is he fine after Kaitlyn is in bed? So maybe it isn't that something happened, but that he's just having major difficulty in handling an active one year old.
Good luck...I hope someone else can help more!
MELISSA!!! I'm so sorry sweetie. Chris doesn't have A LOT of chores either. His are the yard and the trash. The rest is all mine, but he will help, sometimes. Sometimes he will come home and ask when I am going to vaccume or mop. That's when I look at him and tell him that he has two hands and two feet. If he wants it done, then he can do it, otherwise, when I have time, it will get done.
He is now starting to spend more time with Rylee. He used to come home, shower, eat, and go on the computer. I still do it all, but he will help. The one thing that irritates me to no end is that he STILL does not know how to make a bottle or her cereal. How long have we been doing this now? He expects a lot out of me, and I understand that he works outside all day, but I work too, and it's not always easy.
Rylee has started throwing tantrums and I just leave her alone until she calms down and then I get her. This may be something that you need to talk to your DH about. He should not of hit Kaitlyn like that, and I'm glad that you expressed your feelings of that to him. There is no way that you can bring another child into your house if he can't handle one, especially for 30 minutes. Is there something that is bothering him or does he just get frustrated really easily?
I don't know what else to say. I know that I got off the subject a little, and I'm sorry. We are all here for you. I know that it's not easy being a parent, or a wife, but nothing is easy. You have to work at things to make them work. This is probably what your DH needs. I still need to work on some things too. It takes time to learn how to handel certain situations. Talk to your DH about how you handle things and maybe that will help. (((((HUGS)))))
(((Melissa))
No one should ever leave a welt on a child for any reason. Tell him to cut the crap, shape up and be a father or to leave. Regardless of how much you love him, Kaitlyn is to young to defend herself if this is a continued behaviour. There is NO excuse for it.
I also have serious concerns about him being with her for a total of 1/2 hour and leaving a welt on her. If I am not mistaken, that could get him arrested for child abuse! I am not sure if he realizes how serious what he did to her could be! I wouldn't even be concerned with what he does or does not do around the house right now, you need to worry about your dd and his parenting skills first.
Thanks for the advice so far. I know Ineed to have a talk with him. I have before but he gets too defensive so I need to find an alternative way to bring it up. I've tried plenty but he gets defensive which then means hes not listening.
One of my concerns is that when he comes home from work on a day where i've had enough of DD (usually a day full of tantrums) he thinks he needs to be upset with her because I am. And that doesn't help because then she has 2 parents that have no patience and shes probably just wondering whats going on. If I were in his shoes I don't think I could come home after not seeing DD since the night before and just be angry because he was, i'd be excited to see her.
It really is a vicious cycle. I've lost my patience so I wait for him to come home so I can walk away for a minute, he comes home and gets mad at DD because i'm upset, i'm mad at DH for having no patience so I have to watch DD and be nice to her so she doesnt wonder why her parents are so mean, and in the end I never get away and i'm like a volcano ready to erupt because i've yet to have my alone time. Of course not to DD because I know this is all what comes with the toddler stage but it seems like i'm a single parent with the benefit of sharing my bed at night.
And dont get me wrong, Dh loves Kaitlyn very much. He does spend time playing with her on occasion and every great once in a while I can get away for a minute as long as DD is in a good mood. He never complains about things she needs whether its clothes, diapers, toys etc... but his patience in the end is what can ultimately make me lose my mind. If I wanted to be a single parent I would have chosen that but I didnt.
And I do spank DD. But the only time I do is when she throws a tantrum and I ignore her so she tries to hit me. I'll gently smack her hand or her butt (or course with the diaper so theres padding) as a warning and put her in her room for 2 minutes, then i'll check on her and if her tantrum stopped she can come out. I dont put up with hitting so she will always get a spanking when trying to hit me.
Maybe we should attend parenting classes? And I say *we* so it doesnt seem like im singling him out and making him look bad, then he wont be defensive.
{{{{{Melissa}}}}} Gosh, what to say. My dh never helped when my kids were little either. If we had friends over (VERY rarely) or were out somewhere where there were people we knew he'd act like he did a lot--holding them, playing with them, etc. But at home, change a diaper or give them a bath??? Yeah, right. Both mine were breast fed so bottles were out. Even when they started eating he never fed them. When Robin was 9mo we were at my parent's house and my mom tried to feed him some solid food and Robin refused! He'd only eat when I fed him because no one else had ever done it! It was like that for a long time. I can't remember when he started doing things with them, but he does now. He's taken them places, play outside with them, plays video games with them, can manage to feed them if I'm not home (ramen noodles or take out! lol) and I've left them for a weekend for the past two years to go to the Women Of Faith conference and they've survived. Some men just don't know how to handle little babies or toddlers. My dh was the youngest and had never been around babies until we had our own. That may be part of your dh's problem or difficulties. As for the welt, I'm so sorry that happened. It should have. I know you know that, and I bet he does, too. Dh gave Robin a bloody nose once. It was totally accidental, but it happened because he'd lost control (meant to hit him, but not his face). He felt awful about it. I'm not excusing the fact that your dh did leave a welt, but I seriously don't think he's on his way to being a child abuser. Would he consider counsiling? I know mine never would (still wouldn't). Is he getting any sort of therapy or support for the time he spent in Iraq? I'm sure there had to be things that happened there that could cause PTSD. And please don't get mad at me, but from some of your recent posts you seem a bit stressed lately. I am glad you turned down that job. You don't need that right now. I really wish I lived closer to you! There are so many similarities here, especially with both our dh's being military. There seems to be a special "mold" these guys are made of that some people, especially civilians that have never delt with some of the things we have, don't understand. You can email me any time. cathyliz @ bigfoot.com (without the spaces) I'm here for ya, Girl. More hugs...
In my experience with people being defensive when you talk to them is because they know that they are wrong and don't want someone to tell them to their face what they already know.
Parenting classes wouldn't hurt, as long as you BOTH go.
I wouldn't hit Kaitlyn when she is throwing a tantrum, just put her in her room and say "When you are finished, you can come out" and leave it at that. JMHO.
Melissa, we posted at the same time. Dh and I did attend parenting classes when we were in Panama. Robin was in preschool at the time and we'd had him unofficially diagnoses ADHD (wouldn't offically dx a 4yo) and the doc reccomended them. I'm not sure we learned anything, though! lol See what your post/base offers. It would probably be free (ours were--we did have to pay for a sitter, though).
Cat, i'm glad you pointed out that you noticed my stress. I just realized it this morning. I'm almost tempted to ask my Mom to come live with us and take the job I was offered (making $8/hr more than she is now) so she can help take a load off my back. Shes living with ex-dh (my stepdad) and his parents until she gets on her feet and can afford her own place but my stepdad recently invited his g/f to move in with him so their situation is a bit weird and it may help her out too.
I just want to go home and cry to my mommy but I dont want to show my weakness.
How would your dh feel about your mom moving in? Mine would never go for it! Not because it's my mom, but he wouldn't even want his mom living with us. He likes his privacy. How far away is she now? Would she be make $8/hr more with only 15 hours a week? I'm sure having her there would help you out with Kaitlyn, but it couldn't be permanant. What a strange situation with your stepdad. That's got to be uncomfortable (or wierd, at least!). Asking for support from your mom isn't showing weakness, Hon. We're all human. Some days I want my mommy, too.
((((hugs))))
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I agree with the others on Kaitlyn. She shouldn't have to have a welt on her back from *anyone* let alone her own Daddy.
As far as *my* DH's chores...he probably does more than he should. I probably shouldn't let him do so much. I never ask him to, he just does it.
He'll fold the laundry when the dryer goes off. (if I don't get to it first!) He will start dinner if I've had a stressful day. He will take the kids for a drive if I need some peace and quiet for 30 minutes. He makes me feel guilty by being so nice.
His only "assigned" chore is the trash.
I hope things get better for you. Especially if you are TTC #2. Also, once Kaitlyn gets a bit older and more verbal, she'll have no problem spreading the word that her dad hurts her. Hopefully she doesn't tell the wrong person. That could cause big problems.
((((hugs))))
Melissa, I agree with parenting classes. Sounds like there's a lot of stresses going on with both you and your DH. Parenting is a job that is best be done as a TEAM, but being part of that team doesn't necessarily mean mirroring the other partner's feelings at any given time. Is your DH one who thinks it's *the mom's job to raise the kids*??
I may be butting in, but maybe couples counseling would benefit you both. I'm sure there are issues to be dealt with simply from him being overseas and all the stress/worries/problems that were connected to that, including a new baby.
And I may be butting in further, but IMO I don't think this is the optimum time for you to be TTC. I'd say work on the issues you have now and THEN TTC baby #2. Because if nothing changes, a second child will cause nothing but more stress, since it will require that much more of YOUR attention, and even in the best case scenarios, Kaitlyn will likely be jealous of having to share Mom and Dad with another little human.
I really think you both should get some help together and work things out before having another baby. I wish you luck!
Asking your Mom for help is NOT in any way a form of weakness. If I needed help, my MOMMY would probably be the first person that I called. What would your DH think of this?
You have to remember too, that you are with your beautiful little girl, ALL DAY. Everyone, needs time for themselves. Even if your mom doesn't stay with you, maybe she can help you out like 3 days a week or something, that way your stress level drops. If you are TTC#2, stress will not help at all. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
First, ((HUG)) I know it's not easy!!
Second, I've swatted DD's diaper before too, so I speak from experience. It just doesn't work. It's a quick fix acting out in anger, but think long term here. You don't want her to hit you (BTW-Yeap, DD hit me too!), so you hit her. She's just learning to keep hitting. Rayanne is absoultely right! Just pick her up and bring her to her crib! She's going to learn that if she behaves badly, then all the Mommy fun time is gone. Also, it's absolutely ok for you to tell Kaitlyn that Mommy can't deal with her at the moment and bring her to her crib. No one told me that until DD was 18 months and I was at my wits end. Then, a friend told me about Love and Logic and that was a totally new approach for me and it helped a ton at that age!
Your DH leaving a mark on your DD is not a good thing. I don't want to make excuses for him, but if he is military, he is trained to react so quickly, that it may be he is having trouble turning that off when he gets home. I may totally off mark here, but it might be part of it.
Help around the house! Aggh! Good question. My DH used to always, always help clean. Now, he is working more and more and is home less and less and just doesn't help like he used to. He does clean toilets and will do laundry and steam floors. I just have to ask.
I do have a sore spot with my DH's clean laundry too. It would pile up and up! So, finally I say "Sure, I'll be glad to put it away for you, but I'm charging you." So, if it piles up and I put it away, I charge $50. LOL! Hey, I do dishes and everything lately by myself, so I'm not putting his laundry away! LOL!
I know your DH loves Kaitlyn very much. (You do too!) I would sit down and bring it up by saying that you are concerned for Kaitlyn's well being and you want to "get it together" for her. I'll be thinking about you.
Melissa,
I really feel for you. I had the "help" issues with my ex, as well as anger, though his wasn't directed at the kids. With Nate, he helps around the house tremendously, but having 2 toddlers takes it's toll on his patience. He is actually home with them more than I am, but there are times I feel he is to hard on them. I'm too soft on them. Both of us need to work on that. When I've been alone with them for his shift (24 hours), and he comes home, I am usually frazzled and upset. He will do exactly what your DH does, yell or get mad at them for the stuff they had done while he was gone. It bugs me too, but he has one good point. He hears me over the phone yelling at them, and them acting out. It bugs him that they act that way with me, because they don't do it with him. The try to get away with a lot more with Mommy, and it makes him really upset. Talk to your DH. Tell him you love him, but this is a final warning... he cannot hit her like that. Your DD is defenseless, so either he stops or you leave. Discuss chores, and maybe set nights that each of you are responsible for a little extra so the other can relax. Let him know you are feeling overwhelmed by all the responsibility, and his lack of patience compounds it. It's tough to get past the defensive reaction, but it can be done. Good luck sweetie... hang in there!!!
I didn't mean to imply that your dh was a child abuser in any sense of the word. I am saying that leaving a mark such as that on a child is considered abuse and if the wrong person found out about it and turned him in, it could cause him allot of problems. How would your dh react (or you for that matter) if you had a babysitter and you came home and there was a welt on her back like that??? It wouldn't make a lick of difference how much stress your sitter was under, I am guessing the two of you would be livid about it. Maybe having him look at things from the other side would help??
Can you go to work full time and put daughter in daycare (and I mean a big daycare)? Daycare helped my tantruming toddler so much! I should have enrolled him younger (he was 22 months old). The teachers were able to pass him around so no one teacher experienced burn out or frustration. He had plenty of distractions to not even start one in the first place - toys, other kids. It really helped him. Also, I got a break from him all day (7-8 hours) so I had him only 7-8 hours awake and was much more appreciative of that time and then he slept 8 hours. So, it's like we divided the day up into thirds. I was about to lose my mind being with him 24/7 day after day.
Can't address the DH issue. I've never been married. Sounds stressful! I think I would table the TTC thing though. Don't want to make things worse while you figure out what to do. I don't think having another baby would be particularly helpful at this point.
I have talked to married dads with SAHM wives and they, generally speaking, to not like walking in the door at 6pm after working all day and be handed a screaming toddler. So toddler becomes a Hot Potato and everyone wants a break before "Round Two, The Evening" begins. Maybe the solution is that mom gets her break from toddler during the day somehow - PT daycare, mommy's helper, babysitting club - so when daddy comes home he can take some time for himself, too, before coming together as a family at dinner or whatever.
Well I sent DH a text message on the cell phone "I love you. Good morning. Is it possible for you not to work this afternoon so we can catch up on family time? I want to talk about Kaitlyn and catch up on life."
All in all I think I have no problem doing 98% of household chores as long as DH can be patient and take Kaitlyn for a bit at night. Maybe starting parenting classes will help him recognize what to expect in DD as she ages so hes not caught by complete surprise. And maybe ask him what he thinks of spending one hour 2 Saturdays a month as father/daughter time where he takes her to the park, goes for a walk with her... whatever, just the two of them. That way DD can bond with him without me always around, I get 1 hour to myself. Its a start but I think thats what i'll start with. I'll see what he thinks about doing it and leave the decision up to him. I wont force him to do something hes not up to.
How does that sound? I know its just the beginning and theres a lot to fix and I really want to conquer this in the early stages. Any other advice on the "road to fixing our problem" is appreciated.
Sounds like a great plan Melissa!
Dh didn't know what to do with dds when they were little.
Now they are 12, 9 and 4. He will take the older ones and a friend or two to the movies. Alyssa is scared of movie theaters (too dark).
He also takes them to the park, etc.
I think it was hard for dh to relate to little girls. He always thought they were 'precious' and probably thought they didn't have much in common interest with him. He grew up an only child with all boy cousins.
It sounds like a plan to me. It is very important role he is playing in her life. He will set the example of how a little lady should be treated by a man.
Been going through similar stuff lately with my Dh. It really is harder with 2(Ds4,Ds3months).
My Dh helps very little as well.
We had a bad time just a few weeks ago. I was really sick and he got mad at me for not being able to carry on. I vented here and did TONS of praying for Dh.
We ended up having a really big talk and I found out that he hates his job but is afraid to leave and not find something better. He is now working on his resume and wants to get it out there and see how things go.
After venting about his work he seemed to feel a lot better. I also started giving him more love and affection(very hard to do since I am exhausted and too busy with the kids-plus I think that I am the one who needs the attention!).
It has made an unbelievable difference. I guess things are hard for him too since the new baby came along. But I just didn't care because I am having a WAY harder time. But now it seems that if I am extra caring and affectionate with him, I get it back tenfold....
Dh had never hit Eliah but he does get really mad and freak out for very little(same with you-if I was trying to have a break I could never relax,I would have to go rescue Eliah)....now he rarely loses his temper.
He seems to be more short-tempered with Eliah if he is feeling less connected to me.(Actually I do the same thing!).
I guess husbands need attention too!LOL!
good luck.....
fiona
I am sorry this is a tough time for you! I just thought I would add one note since you are TTC: we have a 17 month old dd right now and I am currently 21 weeks pregnanct with #2. We don't have family close by, so my dh has to be there to help out (and he is great at it). I am already on restricted activity due to early contractions and am not supposed to be picking up dd. So dh HAS to be helpful--there are days that the contractions are so bad that I can't get off the couch and he has to do it all. I just say this to say that pregnancy might put constraints on your activity and if he is unwilling to help out now, how will it be with another? I agree that you willing to go to parenting classes in order to help him is wonderful! The more supportive you are (and less defensive, although hard to do) can only encourage him! I hope things improve for you and you can get a relief from all the stress right now.
 Melissa you have been given alot of great advice here. Not anything else I could add.
I agree with all the advice with TTC I would not rush that right now. You have enough going on right now. Try and get your life with DH back, there is plenty of time for more babies. JMO
Did you get to spend the afternoon together??? I hope so
Best of luck to you.
I think that it's a great idea. Baby steps is key here. You are doing the right thing. I hope everything works out. We are all here if you need anything. You can e-mail me anytime. My e-mail address is in my profile. You can use it as much as you need to. (((((HUGS)))))
Great advice above!!!
Communication is key. Continue communicating with him. If he is not interested in counseling or parenting classes-- bring home some books/ mag's/ video's to share with him.
Speak in a very matter of fact tone, say 'I feel' or 'I think' alot not 'You'.
Dont take the job outside the home unless you absolutely *have* too financially. You wont get anymore help than you are getting. Honestly, I know it sounds mean and negative of me to say. But I went this route and you will come home to a mess and the kids will be in bed with no bath, etc... Then you will begin to get even more resentful. Wait until your dd is in school and you can work while she is in school. I too would hold off on TTC#2.
If you can find a Mother's Day Out program put your dd in, one day a week so you can have a day for you. Or join a Mommy Group.
I can tell you from experience that leaving the trash in the middle of the kitchen overflowing doesnt give them a HINT!!! lol
I live with *4* guys-- guys are not the same as females. I have to *tell* them whatever it is I need help with. Because honest to goodness they dont know. They dont think like we do. They certainly dont read minds. There are men out there that *get it*--but if you dont have one of those men, then you have to accept it and deal with it in a way that helps you.
I like to think my dh is pretty spoiled as far as what he does in the house. However, I am pretty spoiled too... He does basically NOTHING unless I have *asked* him to help me or left him a list. He does push the trash out to the street once a week (when he is in town). He does do alot of jobs in the yard. He does take care of our vehicles (well I keep mine washed, cleaned out and vacuumed, but he does the oil changes and other maintenance). He does spend time with the kids playing ball or working on bikes, scooters, etc... He does work all day long. He will stop at the store for me on the way home without complaining from time to time. lol He does work on my computer when its broke. ;) He does other things too. So I guess I feel like he does just as much as I do. It doesnt bother me to put his laundry away. If he is watching TV I can ask him to get a load of laundry out of the drier and he will fold them while watching TV. (not that I ask him to do that very often!!)
I hope you are feeling better this afternoon. I have certainly felt your stress before. I am sorry he lost it with your dd. Honestly, my dh wasnt that great with our ds when he was a baby. Now that he is older-- dh is much better. Actually my dh started traveling ALOT the first yr ds was born. grrrrrr Talk about a stressed out Mommy. I always thought he did that on purpose.
Good luck!!
I could copy and paste everything Karen said because I agree 100%. I would not bring a baby into the mix at this point because it just adds more stress and strain on a marriage. It will also add to all the work you do around the house already. I dealing with that now that we have baby #2.
As far as what DH does around the house. He is incharge of Trash and watching the kids after dinner so I can get things cleaned up and shower. He puts DS to bed every night and I take care of DD.
I don't know if you guys go to church but if you do the Pastor can usually help with couples counseling and parenting issues. I know ours does and our church occasionally has guest speakers come in and give lectures on both those subjects.
I can say one thing, after being with my DH for 13 years, there are always rough times and those are the times that make your relatonship stronger. There is nothing wrong with counceling, we had it early in our marriage and we still use the things we learned to this day.
Good luck and hope it all works out.
My dh pretty much does nothing around the house. My kids are all in school though, so it is kind of my job. He will help out if asked, but would never think to do it by himself. Does this bother me? not mostly, some days though, I hate it. Honestly though I have to keep in mind this is my job, it is possible to get most things done with a toddler, and you may just have to lower your standards. However, the most important thing for me when my kids were little was ME time. If I couldn't recharge I would have just burst. I did this through regularly scheduled time away (scrapbooking..lol). I worried about dh the first few times, but I had to let go that he isn't going to do it like me, but mostly what he did was okay. Your hubby made a bad choice last night, that probably won't be the norm. Pick some time that he can spend with kaitlyn, preferable on a sat am, when he is fresh and not right after work. Or until you can find that, put kaitlyn to bed and then go have some you time, target and barnes and noble are both open till 10. IHOP is open 24 hours and it is a great place to sit and read I really think if you can recharge you will be happier about the chore thing. I do think parenting classes would be great for yall, not just parenting skills, but bonding and expectations. I will say that when my oldest was 1 this was the hardest time in our marriage, so what you are going through is normal, but you need to work through it.
How much does my dh do? well, he does only what he has to do, to get me throught my melt down stage. His favorite saying is, girls help your mother! One piece of advice mil gave me was, was that I know how to do to much, and take on all the responsibilites. I was talking to her about the lawn one day, and she said act like you just can not do it anymore, ( otherwise act like a helpess woman!!) not really my thing, to act like that because I have always just jumped right in, and did what needed to be done. But I took her advice, did the oh, I am so exhausted I can't do this anymore, and he offered to do the lawn!! You know now that I think about this subject, I am remmebering acting like he did not do a good eneough job with things, like the lawn ( missed spots etc, so I just took over, oh no!! I also have this thing about when I want to do something, and he did not want to do it, I just said I am not waiting all day, and just did it myself. It is funny how you get to the "oh noooooooo stage, did not even think at I would figure it out while responding to you. Our kids are a little older so they are self sufficeint now, but when they were little, he took them places when I was tired, or looked after them when I was sleeping. I think in your situation dh does not look after her eneough to get a bond, if it were me, ( easy for me to say I know lol) I would start doing something for a couple of hours on the weekend, you and a freind, so he can get use to looking after her , then he may not be so impatient with her. You could start to tell him the house work is getting to much so you want him to do his own laundry, and pick out a few other things he can do. I know it is hard, but I think if I would have started getting dh to contribute from the start it would be easier for me right now. Hang in their, I think we all go through this once in a while, me every couple of weeks I have a melt down, so I just say to heck with the house work, and forget about it, get my reserves back up.
Melissa, I can relate when it comes to housework and "dad" responsibilities. That is the MAJOR reason that I'm stopping at just one child. My dh does work all day but when he gets home, he pretty much wants to be done for the day. I should give him some credit though, I go to school 3 nights a week and those nights he has to take care of our son but that's his job too right?
I think the daddy and daughter/son time alone is a very good start. I need to enforce this as well. Besides, playing inside infront of the television my dh and ds don't do much else together. Just want you to know that your not alone! A lot of the time I feel like a single parent too.
Thanks everyone, hes on his way home so we'll see how this talk goes.
As far as laundry, I wash, dry and fold our laundry. I've organized his closet by pants, shirts, dress shirts, long sleeves etc... and his drawers are organized too. I put away anything that goes in the drawer, he just has to hang the rest. And when I see it becoming unorganized in his closet (which isn't too often) i'll reorganize it for him. He has a pretty simple job. I could easily put away his clothes but its the 1 chore I left for him to do on purpose. Men.... thats all I can say... lol!
I'm glad im in a better mood right now because i'm really hoping this talk goes well.
I have two pieces of advice (probably just a rehash of what’s aready been said):
1. Forget about DH taking out the trash, and forget about the “me” time. I think that leaving the trash in hopes he will notice won’t work. Just take it out. And take it out with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. It might be possible to brow beat your husband into eventually helping with such things, but the cost is not worth it. Perhaps, as others have said, he has other things going on, and he’ll come around eventually. But dwelling on it won’t help.
2. The relationship with your DD is the big issue. As others have said, men have a tough time with babies. Figure out ways for them to bond. Make sure he kisses her goodnight every night, from now until she moves out. Have Kaitlyn on the floor with some blocks or a book when he comes home so he’ll want to join in. As everyone has said, the welt is troubling, but hopefully he realized it was a mistake.
Good luck. Parenting is tough, and so is marriage. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
Around the house: he cleans the kitchen if I cook (which is 98.72% of the time); he takes out garbage and recycling and brings the bins back in; he helps with big cleaning (vacuuming and stuff) if needed and if I ask; he generally puts away his folded laundry but sometimes I do it. I wouldn't let him wash the clothes even if he begged! Also car and yard maintenance and handyman stuff (with a honey-do list)
With the kids: Takes them to school every morning and picks them up the 2 days/wk I work late; on Tues. night when I have class he cooks supper, helps with homework, supervises bath and bedtime; helps with homework; wrestles with them; teaches them guitar; occasionally coaches sports teams; was a 3x/wk SAHD when our oldest was born since I was the breadwinner and he was in school--then he did everything! (diapers, baths, meals, playtime, naps)
Good luck with the talk. I have learned now that it is best if I give my DH about 30 minutes to relax and decompress before I hit him with the "I had a terrible day, the kids argued, we have 8 homework projects due tomorrow, and the toilet is backed up" scenario. I try to have supper started, music playing, and the house fairly picked up when he gets home to help make the transition smoother for him (doesn't always happen...like today!). Hope you guys can reach a good compromise and he can realize what he is missing out on by not taking a more active role in parenting.
Argh! I typed a response and lost it but...my dh used to be terrible about helping out with anything around the house. He took out the garbage only when it was overflowing onto the floor because I refused to do the one thing he had offered to do (like your dh's laundry) and he would yell at the kids until I "rescued" him! When he became a SAHD, I sat him down and said that if I heard that he had yelled at or screamed at the kids while I was gone at work, I would quit working and he could get a couple of jobs at McDonald's and Taco Bell to support us since he couldn't do the job he had said he would do. I also threatened to hide the video camera so that I would know if he really had. In hindsight, that wasn't the best way to handle it and I never did it but DH learned to plunk the dks in front of Nick, Jr and chill out in the bedroom for 10 minutes if he started to lose his cool. My DH has always had a much harder time dealing with the kids before about age 3. He called all of the dks "screaming meatloaf" when they were very young. They just didn't DO anything! Suddenly, around 3yo, they become "real people"! Now DH does the dishes most days and wipes off the counters, etc but that garbage can still tends to overflow once a week or so.
Now DH and I have a routine of me coming in from work and having 15 minutes to change clothes or unwind before I start my time with the dks. If dh works that night, he just goes to bed when I'm done with my transition time but if he is home for the evening, he gets an hour to himself since he has been with DD all day. Would it be possible for your DH to do this every day or every other day? I used to leave the house so that DH didn't have anyone to bail him out when he got frustrated.
I hope your talk goes well. Dh and I took parenting classes as part of my ds's therapy and it was a great experience. Dh liked seeing that he wasn't the only one having trouble keeping his temper and I learned some important lessons that have helped our family quite a bit.
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said, but you are in my thoughts!!!
Good luck with the talk!
I hope the talk goes well too Melissa. Let us know what happens. You can't leave us in the dark now...(LOL)
Okay, I am going to tell you the truth, exactly what really happened, based on the experience. It sounds harsh, but it worked.
My DH is a great guy, but my older daughter favors his side of the family. She just does. She looks like my Mom in Law and she thinks down the 'same path" they do, etc. Also, my older daughter is gifted (not just in Mom's opinion, she has been tested) so, she relates to DH in an "older child" manner and Dh communicates with very well.
Now, along come daughter #2, she is bright, but not gifted, and so she is more of a "typical" child, going through the normal ages and phases of growing up. Also, she tends to favor MY side of the family and she is more emotionally sensitive, gets her feelings hurt, and doesn't always understand DH. So, her relationship with DH is not as strong and his relationship with the first child.
I watched this for a while before I acted. For about a year, I saw a definite difference. DH would discipline the younger one for things he let the older one do. DH always sat beside the older one, he always talked more with the older one....I don't think he really did it on purpose, he just related to the older child more....
Finally, at about 3, (about a year ago) my younger child began to ask about it, "How come Daddy doesn't like me? How come Daddy talks so loud to me? How come Daddy doesn't take me with him to the store? etc"
First, I confronted DH gently, I tried to point things out to him quietly and waited to the tide to turn a bit, but it did not....
So, (here comes the harsh part) after playing "umpire" for the blue millioneth fight between my 31/2 year old and my 40-something year old husband (the other adult??? in the house)? I finally told him, "This is the deal. You either find a way to get along with the younger DD and find a way to relate to her and for ya'll to enjoy each other or I will take both dds and leave you...." And he knew I meant it. I love him, I love him very much, but I won't have him treating my kids badly.
I will put up with the "testerone" stuff and the sports on TV, and picking up after him, etc. But that is my line. Mean to my kids?? Goodbye.
Dh got the message. Today my younger dd is 4 1/2 and he does much, much better with her and with dividing his time and attention between the two of them. And she adores him, as does my older daughter....so it all worked out.
But DH knew it wasn't just an empty threat. He knew I meant business. That I would take both dds and leave him if he didn't "pull it together" So, he started slowly and eventually, through time, he got to know and appreciate our younger child.
We have been to counseling and to parenting classes and one of the great lessons I learned was about boundaries. I always thought that loving your spouse unconditionally meant putting up with whatever they dish out, but I learned it's NOT. It is OKAY to have definite boundaries in a relationship and the enforce them, if necessary. It doesn't mean you don't love your spouse, it just means you have the right to a peaceful life.
Reasonable boundaries also means deciding what you can live with....I decided I could live with some things...like a slightly messy house, and letting him "junk up" the garage with all his "man" stuff (broken tv sets, circa 1970's) etc. But I will not tolerate mean behavior towards the kids.
And he decided he could live with women's sensitivities, and lowering his voice, and maybe NOT seeing every single solitary sports event on TV, but he can not live with not being in charge of the money, so he gives me a generous allowance and he pays all the bills and handles the savings, that's hard for me, not being in control of the money, but I let it go because it is the "one thing" he needs to know. It comforts him to "see" where the money is going......
Anyway, I know this is a long post, but when we post about real life events, it tends to be loong and I don't like to give advice, I prefer to share something I REALLY did that worked.
Hope some of that helps, DH and I really found counseling and parenting classes helpful. We learned a lot. Good Luck.
AJ
{{{Melissa}}} Hope all went well yesterday.
Well I honestly didn't know what to make out of yesterdays talk. Did it work? I don't know. Did he understand what I was saying? Only time will tell. But I guess I got out what I needed to say. I guess the next few days will determine if he thinks what I said what important by the actions he shows. After all today is our 3 year anniversary so what a better day to start than today! Though it was pretty ironic, we went to Mc Donalds for dinner since it was a late night and there was a very cute girl there about DDs age so we were talking to the Dad. He said, "I'm just taking my DD out tonight to give Mom a break so she can take a nap" I think that was a good smack of reality in DHs face. Maybe with examples like that he'll get the point.
Melissa, how PERFECT that that dad was at McDonalds!!! I call that a God thing. I hope some sunk in with your dh. Did you mention parenting classes to him? How did he respond to that? Heck, if I could get my dh just to read a parenting book I'd be happy! lol Hugs, and keep us updated. We're always here.
Hey Melissa! I don't know what to say...as you know my dd is only a few months younger than yours, but I wanted to let you know that you're a braver person than me. I'm very blessed to have a husband that gives Emma a bath every night so I have about 20-30 minutes every day to decompress. He doesn't really do a lot around here except yard work and trash, but I like it that way. Since I'm a SAHM I get everything done while he's at work so that we can spend time together when he's at home. Plus, I know the job is getting done right the first time. As far as the losing temper with your dd, it would scare me. My dh has lost his temper before, but never with Emma. Don't get me wrong, he can't get aggravated when nothing he does makes her happy and she only wants me, but he never has even come close to hitting her.
Here's something that might be butting in a lot, but IMHO I really think both of you need to handle the temper tantrums better. I just got something in email from babycenter.com on toddler temper tantrums and it said that they happen because little kids don't know how to handle stress from not getting what they want. They are actually scared from losing control of themselves so it is our job to mainly protect them from hurting themselves like when they through themselves down or something and then put them in their bed for a couple of minutes so they don't have to much stimulus. If we scream at them or spank them while they're having a tantrum it just adds fuel to the fire. I'm not against spanking at all don't get me wrong, but I think Emma and maybe your dd is still a little young. Sorry if that's too much of an opinion. I know my dh would get very defensive if I confronted him about anything, but if it was for the protection of my dd I wouldn't care if he got his feelings hurt a little. There's absolutely no excuse for him hitting her especially that hard. I think you definitely need some alone time, but if I were you I think I'd stay pretty close the next several times that they're alone together so you can go in if it gets out of control. Him giving her a bath is really nice, plus you're right there just in case. I am very glad yall talked and happy anniversary and I'm sorry you're going through this. One more thing, you should be able to talk to your dh about anything, even if its about how aggravated you are about your dd, without him blowing up.
LOTS OF HUGS,
Holly
Email me if you want to talk
hdelfuego@netscape.com
One more thing I forgot, Emma starts to bite when she gets really sleepy at night. Maybe one reason for all the tantrums is not enough sleep. I don't know...just a guess. Good luck, I know those little teeth hurt.
Holly,
I don't hit DD all the time and I don't hit her when she has tantrums. The only time she gets a gentle, but firm smack on the hand or a gentle, but firm swat on the butt (over the diaper) is when she tries to hit me. She can have as many tantrums in a day as she wants and she'll just keep getting time out. But hit is absolutely unacceptable for any reason and she will learn that if she tries to hit me it will result in her getting a swat *and* time out instead of just time out. And it is working because I see her try think about hitting me and she stops herself just as quickly as she thought about it.
I believe in spanking but only for reasonable causes. i just look back at history. Try and remember the time when spanking started really being taken out of parenting. It *those* kids that we are dealing now, only a bit older, that have behavioral problems and run all over their parents, and for me my younger brother (now 13) is a prime example of why I will always be strict.
With my parenting style, I dont go with the current trend, I go with what i've seen work in the past. And spanking, for the right reasons, seems to have an effect, and a good one at that. Of course, im talking about my DD. All kids are different which is why each form of discipline is different with each kid. My Mom, for example, had a different form of discipline for each of her 4 kids.
Its all a matter of personal preference.
(And I dont spank when i'm mad)
As far as spanking we only spank in cases of absolute defiance. If you tell them to do something and they say no adn throw their toy or something like that. I usually say "do you need a spankin to help you listen?" and the answer is usually no and then I say well you better... or you will get in trouble. It has worked for my 19month old. I have a 3yr old, 19month ,and 5month. We have beed married 4 years now and it has been difficult at times. We are still working things out and finding our balance. We both have done a lot of reading (mostly I read and talk about it with him). Give it time. I too had issues with anger and have come along way. Stick in there and if all else fails go to counseling. even a couple of sessions can really help. It can get you all on the right path. We did. We told her that we are confident we can do this we just need to be pointed in the right direction. If you don't know, then you don't know and a lot of us weren't taught how to be husbands and wives and parents that function the way they should. I am confident that you all can work through this. I have read many of your posts and know that you all have beed thorugh some rough patches in the last few years and a lot of unsolved things (that maybee you thought were solved) can be affeting him and maybee even he does not realize it. I am sure he is a good husband and a good man. Just keep going forward and ask for help along the way. Another thing men and women come at things through their own filter and perspective. It is hard to see the other side, so reading some things about how different we are can really help both sides understand better.
Melissa, Oh...then I completely agree. The welp is kind of scary though from your dh but then you already know that. =) HUGS
You are very blessed to have a dh that still does the little things bt the two of you. That's great.
((((Melissa)))) I hope that seeing the other dad with his dd helps.
You know what ladies in the last couple of weeks I have been doing allot of thinking and seeing allot of what other people have to say about their DH's and I need to tell mine how thankful I am that he does so much for me.
Until I came to work with my friend I didn't allot of yelling and complaining to my DH that he did nothing and now I realize that it was me that was stressed and not him that was lazy.
He does a ton for me at home. He does the dishes for me from the night before when he gets home from work, he does all of the yard work and always takes the trash outside from the house and then to the road every Friday morning.
He baths Timmy every night I do the baby. He will make dinner if he knows what is planned for dinner so it is usually ready when the kids and I get home. I will leave a note for him to leave dinner if I know I have time to do it that night.
Also if I ask and quite a bit when I don't he will clean the livingroom and vaccuum. He folds his own laundry and puts it away as well as the bathroom stuff. I wash it all and I fold and put away mine and the kids only cause I know how they fit in the drawers and where they go.
He will even now that the baby is a little older stay home with her for long stretches of time and let me get out for a me break.
I am lucky and I need to tell Dh this when I get home.
Thank you ladies for opening my eyes up for me.
As far as my dh, he doesn't do much around the house, but he does help a lot with the boys. He is in charge of the outside and I do the inside. He is suppose to be in charge of the trash, but I usually end up taking it out each morning. He always forgets to do it at night . Now, he does take it to the curb the night before pick up. He does help with the dishes and he will "pick up" after himself, but that is it as far as housework. He does give the boys a bath everynight. We each put one of the boys to bed every night. We trade off, so we each get time with both of them. He takes them a lot on the weekends while I go shopping or run errands. Now, my boys are older 6&4. When they were younger he helped out too, but it is much easier for him now that they are a little older.
Dh definitely is not as patient as I am. He was one of those Dads that gave in all the time, so he didn't have to listen to them whine. He has learned the hard way that this doesn't work and he is slowing changing this. He does get frustrated some days because they don't listen to him, like they do me. I think part of it is that he has unrealistic expectations of them. In part, due to the fact that he isn't around them all the time. One thing that has worked for me to help dh with his parenting is to tell him about problems that I have been having with my ds's and then tell him what is working for me. Hey, parenting is a lot of trial and error. What works for one, may not work for another, etc. As far as spanking, I just don't do it because I don't believe in it and it doesn't work for me. But, I don't pass judgement on anyone's parenting because I know I am not perfect. I think it is a great idea to have your Dh spend time with your dd on Sat. mornings. They will both be refreshed and it will give them a set time and schedule to be with each other. Good luck to you. I hope you two can come up with something that works for you.
Melissa - I'm sorry I'm so late chiming in. My PC has been giving me trouble...
The welt - hopefully he knows it was a mistake and will not do it again. You will see over time.
Spanking - we do about the same as you guys. We spank for direct defiance. My children have never hit me, but if they did - they would definitely get a spanking and a time-out. I also think spanking (only on the rear) and only for direct defiance, and not too often, can be effective in discipline.
My dh does a lot to help me around the house, but their are bouts of laziness, which *I guess* he is entitled to, LOL ;) He takes the trash out every day and puts the trash out on the curb once a week. He bathes ALL THREE boys every night. Occasionally will help me clean up after dinner. And cooks once a week. He mops the floors about 3 nights a week. And buffs the floors with an industrial buffer once a month. He maintains and fixes the computer. Deals with all handyman type stuff. Helps in disciplining the kids and teaching them respect. He is a stickler for "Yes ma'am, No Ma'am, Yes sir, No sir" and our kids address us and other adults this way. He plays with the kids most evenings - wrestles, dances, plays "monsters", etc. When we have friends over on the weekend, he helps me clean up afterwards. About once every 3 months or so, we do a deep cleaning of the house - and he helps tremendously.
As far as laundry and dishes - he doesn't do that, lol. I do the laundry a certain way, and I'd prefer if he didn't help. He rinses his plates/glasses and sets them on the rack to go into the dishwasher, so that's good, lol.
In the first couple of years in my marriage - things like leaving socks on the floor, not taking the garbage out fast enough, etc would drive me crazy and boy would I nag! I've learned though over time, that if I cut down on "nagging" and do other things FOR him that he would like, that our relationship got better and he actually willingly helped out MORE. If he forgets the trash, take it out, and let it roll off your back. Maybe, not all the time, but every now and then, mention it NICELY that you took the trash out for him - like as a favor. Let him say thanks or whatever. Give him some time, and he should start being "less forgetful". It's the nagging and picking that make most men less helpful, more cranky.
I liked someone elses idea above. I do this at home every day. When dh comes home from work, have the house neat and in order, maybe some music playing. If its nice out, open up the windows and doors. Have Kaitlyn playing, or read to her. That way, everything looks pretty easygoing in the house when he walks in. And ALWAYS give him about a half hour to "unwind" as my dh like to call it. I know this sounds like something out of those old books teaching women how to be a good wife, but it works. It'll make for a much nicer evening, a happier dh, and a happier you because dh is happy. Wait till after dinner or so to give him a breakdown of what needs to be done and other "business" stuff. Try your hardest not to bring up things Kaitlyn did throughout the day that annoyed you. If you handled it, let it go, unless of course it's a concern.
Lastly, I know everyone always mentions counceling or parenting classes. But I really think you both would benefit from taking Love and Logic classes. At Fort Polk, these classes are offered through Family Advocacy. They even care for your children for free while you attend the classes!!! We are starting our first class tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes if you are interested.
Melissa, I really do admire you for taking such an active interest in your marriage and your relationship with Kaitlyn. You have the desire and motivation to make improvements, and that is so good! I think you should always express your concerns to your dh, but be careful to come on too strong. I just have to say, Kudos to you Melissa - for being such a strong mother and wife!
Melissa - how are things?
Thanks for asking, Amy. Things are actually showing a bit of improvement. Little things he's done like volunteering to get Kaitlyn out of her carseat when we go to the store, being more "mentally" here instead of just physically. Not any major changes but ones small enough where i'm not at my boiling point but where he seems to not be overloading himself, either.
I think parenting classes would benefit him just because he's so out of tune as far as what to expect out of DD as she ages. For example, he thought there was omething majorly wrong when she started having tantrums. LOL! If he went to these classes and learned about what to expect as she ages and how to handle it I think it could improve our relationship *and* his relationship with DD. I'm trying to catch these glitches early because I know with little girls especially, their self esteem has a big effect on how their relationship with their father is. I just want to catch small problems before they escalate and become major.
But thanks for askng, Amy. Sometimes I feel like i'm on here constantly with problem after problem. I swear my house is pretty normal, LOL! I guess these are all part of the process of growing up and learning.
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