My DD is in third grade and at a new school. She made a new friend, 'Sara' and enjoys eating lunch with her. Sara doesn't seem to have very many friends except my DD and my DD's friend who came to this school this year, too. Unfortunately, Sara's mom works at the school (small, private school) and often eats lunch with the girls. My DD does not like this and I don't blame her. It's lunch time, it's their only 'free time' and I don't like that a grown up is infringing on it. Also, she is starting to tell my DD to eat instead of talk and stuff like that. It's my DD's free time, she should be able to do as she pleases. If she eats, she eats. If she doesn't, she doesn't. They usually get a snack during a later class anyway. The obvious solution is for my DD and her other friend to eat elsewhere, leaving Sara and her mom alone. But DD really WANTS to eat lunch with Sara, and frankly, I think Sara's mom, while well within her rights to eat with her daughter, is hurting her daughter socially. Any advice on how a poor eight year old can politely make it known that she'd prefer to eat with all kids? I keep urging her to eat elsewhere in hopes that Sara will question it, and her mom will question it, and it will become obvious that they prefer to be at an all kid table, but so far DD hasn't sat without her. I highly resent that the mom tells my DD to eat...my DD has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be told what to do like that. I'm obviously peeved with the mom, but I really don't know her and don't know how to tell her to leave them alone, either. And as I said, it's HER daughter and she can eat with her if she wants....I just wish she'd realize that her daughter may lose the only friends she has because of her hovering. Any advice??

By Emily7 on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 05:48 pm:

I don't know...I would encourage your dd to eat else where too if she doesn't want to eat with Sara's mom. I don't think it is appropriate for your dd to ask the mom to not eat with them. I also think it could hurt Sara's feelings if she spoke to Sara about it. Some parents have control issues & this could be the problem.

By Vicki on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 05:51 pm:

I agree that if your dd doesn't want to sit with the mom, then your dd should just sit else where. It isn't her place to tell the mom to leave. Maybe the little girl enjoys her mom sitting with her?? To me, it would be just plain rude of your dd to say anything to anyone about it.

By Mommmie on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 05:56 pm:

Interesting problem. The mom works at the school and is an authority figure at the school, so I think it's in her area of duty to tell kids to eat.

How come you daughter doesn't want to eat with Sara's mom?

I think the only choice is to tell your daughter that it looks like a package deal and to eat elsewhere. It does seems a bit young to me though, 3rd grade, to be at the point where you don't want to be around parents. I figure that came at 5th or 6th grade.

At some point perhaps Sara will tell her mom she wants to eat with kids. Hopefully, she'll feel secure enough and let her to do so.

By Colette on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 05:59 pm:

I would also encourage your dd to eat elsewhere, Sara might think it is cool that her mother works at the same school as she does and enjoy lunchtime with her. I am also a part time school employee and if I have lunchroom duty, I am supposed to say things like "eat while you talk and talk while you eat" and encourage kids to eat more and talk less, so that may be why she speaks this way to your dd.

By Cocoabutter on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 05:59 pm:

I would proceed cautiosly. If you make a stir, you may harm your own dd's social life as well.

I would think 'Sara' would say something to her own mom. Ask your dd if she would want to say to her friend, "Gee, does your mom ALWAYS have to eat with us?" Maybe Sara will ask her mom to leave them alone at lunch. Her mom wouldn't be as offended if it came from her dd.

If that doesn't work, then maybe the poor girl's social life is doomed anyway, since the mom doesn't seem to give her dd that consideration. That would explain why she didn't have many friends until your kindhearted dd started to sit with her.

Unfortunately, if you don't want the mom to correct your dd, the easiest and safest way to solve that problem is for her sit somewhere else.

By Sue3 on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 06:12 pm:

At my kids elementary schools they have very little time for talking at lunch time.(they get 15 min. for lunch)
They are often told to eat and not talk ,and to save that for recess which is after lunch and another recess in the afternoon.
Which is fine with me because I would rather have them eating a nutritious meal at lunch time
rather than filling up on their snack later.
Also, I often eat with my kids at lunch time and their friends enjoy that I sit with them.
I probally wouldn`t say anything.
The kids can get their one on one time at recess.

By Kate on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 06:20 pm:

Unfortunately they don't get a recess. They just get a half hour lunch. She doesn't like sitting with the mom because she says the mom keeps harping on Sara to eat, eat, eat, and so Sara isn't any fun because she isn't allowed to talk and joke like she does on the days the mom doesn't show up. Mom works part time, so it's not EVERY day, but it's several times a week. I guess I don't think it's odd to not want to eat with grown ups in third grade...and DD really doesn't know this mom, so maybe THAT is the issue. Maybe Sara loves it, and maybe DD would love it if it was ME, and not Sara's mom. I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess the only solution is for DD to understand it's a package deal, as someone said, and that if she doesn't want to deal with it she'll have to sit elsewhere. I guess I'm just looking at it from a different perspective and thinking Sara finally has friends and her mom needs to give her space and not scare the friends away. But I could be totally wrong as Sara is immature for her age and she may feel the need for mom and prefer mom over friends.

By Vicki on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 06:24 pm:

This seems so weird to em because if I am at dd's school for something and I go in to say hi to her at lunch, it is all of her little friends that talk to me and want me to sit with them and my dd pretty much ignores me!! LOL

By Vladasha on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 06:33 pm:

Vicki -= That's exactly what happens to me with my son -- all his friends talk and he ignores me. Re: Sara's mom...With so many parents too busy with their own lives or unable to come to lunch, I think it is wonderful that Sara's mom wants to spend the time with her daughter. Perhaps her mom found out she has no friends to sit with and is just trying to make her feel beter -- maybe things will change if your daughter continues her friendship

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 06:51 pm:

I volunteered at my kids' school when Jen was in K and Jeff was in 1st. I was there at lunch time, but I never when to their tables. I agree, it is their *me* time in their school day. It's not that I didn't WANT to eat lunch with my kids, but I respected their time to be with their friends and relax - it was a much needed break in their day from being told what to do all day.

I also strongly believe it's not your DD's place to say anything to her friend's mom. IMO, if it really bothers your DD, she should start sitting at another table.

By Cakekisses324 on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 06:59 pm:

I agree with Laura, (mommmie)

By Mommyof4 on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 07:28 pm:

I have a 3rd grader who begs me to come to school and eat lunch with her. I was just there last week and one little girl told Megan your mom is so nice to come eat with you my mom never comes.

By Mommyathome on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 07:41 pm:

I haven't read all the other posts, so I apologize if I repeat.

First, I would suggest that your DD ask "Sara" to come and sit with her at a different table. See how that goes. See if the mom says no, or if she follows.

How big is the school? Would it be possible to write a letter to the principal saying that you are concerned and explain why? Or would word get back to her that it was you and so on....

I think it would bug me too. Especially if she was harping on my DD to eat.

By Luvn29 on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 08:20 pm:

I am an employee now at my kids' primary school. It's a public school. Daughter is in 3rd grade, son is in Kindy. The way my schedule works out, I do not have appts. during the times my kids have lunch on Tuesday, and during my dd's lunch on Thursday. They INSIST that I come in with them during lunch time.

All of their friends love it when I am there. They all talk and joke with me, and enjoy my company. They think it's so cool that Mom comes in there and is an employee at the school. Especially the third graders. They feel like it gives them an "in" with one of the "teachers".

My little girl would want me to sit with her at lunch everyday if possible. She enjoys it. So maybe this "Sara" enjoys it. Each child is different. It seems to me that the only option here is for your dd to stop eating with Sara, and to go someplace else to eat if she doesn't like the company of her mother.

I have also found that the kids lose track of time and do not realize that they haven't been eating till it's too late. I casually tell them, "If you aren't finished eating, you might want to eat some more because you only have about ten minutes left." Oftentimes, the child will go Oh! and start eating.

Anyhow, just my experiences...Good luck with this.

By Debbie on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 09:01 pm:

I help at my ds's school with lunch and recess supervision. We are encouraged to tell the kids to eat and to talk less. However, we do have recess after lunch.

I would just suggest that your daughter eat elsewhere if she doesn't like eating with Sara and her Mother. I too, think it would be rude for her to ask the Mother not to eat with them.

Also, when I am helping out at school. Ds always wants me to come and visit with him and his friends. Sara may really like that her Mom comes to eat with her.

By Bellajoe on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 10:15 pm:

I didn't read all the responses so sorry if I am repeating someone.

I think your dd and other friend should eat somewhere else, at an all kid table. I totally understand why she doesn't want to sit with a mom to eat. As a 8 yr old, that lunchtime is their only "no adult" time. They can talk about what they want to talk about without a mom listening in on the conversation.

Hopefully Sara and her mom will get the hint. If she doesn't want to leave Sara, then she will have to deal with her mom being there.

It is not your dd's place to ask the mom to leave the table, that would just be plain rude. I don't even think she should say anything to Sara about it. Sara may like her mom being with her. You don't want her to jeopardize their friendship over this.