My feelings are so hurt!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2004:
My feelings are so hurt!
I don't have anyone to talk to you except you guys because I don't want to dump on my family. It is about my dh and I don't think it is a good idea to air your problems to your fam.
This all stems from the kid next door. As you know, I have forbidden him from coming over. I have made it very clear how I feel about it to my dh and to my kids.
A couple of days ago, the "boyfriend, who he calls dad" came over and asked if Anthony could come over and play. He had bought him a mit and a new ball, etc.....
My dh is very tender hearted and thought it would be ok for them to play within eye's view. When I found out, I went outside and told him to go home.
Well "Dad" (called first) and said he wanted to talk to me. I said sure. I told dh he was on his way, come out and talk to him with me. Hubby continues to sit in the chair in our bedroom and watch tv while I talked to the man. Apparently the mom had not told him about the statement the kid made about commiting suicide and helping Gabe die too. He assured me that now that he knew about it, that he would be sure the kid got some help (yeah right!).
When we first moved in 1 1/2 years ago, my nephew and Gabe threw rocks at his workshop window and crackedit. We offered to pay for it, but he said it wasn't a big deal. Now he says he is going to get it professionally installed and we are going to pay for it.
I don't have a problem with that, my kid broke it. But why bring it up over a year later?
Anyway, the reason I am so hurt ( I have done nothing but cry for 2 days} I called in sick to work yesterday and today is because my hubby did not go out with me to deal with this man, he said he heard what I was saying, but could not hear what the man was saying. He said that I handled myself very well. GEE THANKS ALOT!
We have done nothing but argue for the last few days because I caused the ill feelings for making the kid go home. I asked him if he wanted to have the kid kill our kid or teach him lude behaviour? He of course said no, but no matter what I say to him, it turns into so ridiculous argument.
Sorry for dumping on you guys, but I don't have anyone else to talk to that won't place judgement on hubby and hate him at Thanksgiving  . I am trying to smile to keep from crying.
Thanks again ya'll
Dump away, Katherine. Isn't that one reason we're all here???  Anyway, honestly I think you did the right thing by making the kid go home. He (and his parents) had already been told he wasn't welcome at your home (for good reason!) and the "dad" had the nerve to come over and ASK if he could come over and play. That's just not right. Your dh, well, I don't know. He should have come out. First of all, I believe if possible the man should talk to another man. If your dh weren't home that would be another thing, but he was home. If it had been the mom would your dh gone out and talked to her without you? I don't think so. Then we're looking at the fact that he's the one that let this kid come over in the first place. *sigh* I hope you two can talk about this and work it out. What a pain to have to deal with. Did Gabe have anything to say? He has, after all, been told he can't play with this kid (right?). My kids are the type that would say, "But Mom says we can't play with him" to their dad. Anyway, like I said, dump away any time. {{{{{Katherine}}}}}
((( Katherine)))
First off I would go over to the neighbors house & explain to him that you will be more than happy to have someone come & measure for the new glass. He is entitled to be made whole, not better than he was before. There are places that will come out measure the window, go back to cut the glass, & bring the new glass to the house to be replaced. I would also let him know that all you are trying to do is protect your child from a child with obvious problems. Rather than getting defensive, he should be getting his child help & thanking you for bringing it to his attention.
There is one thing I can always count on with my marriage...my dh will not stand up for me. He is this huge guy that avoids conflict at all costs. I finally found out why...he is afraid that he will lose his temper if he hears someone call me a name. The last time he was in a fight was 15 years ago & someone all his mom a B****. Their head went into a wall. It would be nice to have him physically behind me, but I no longer expect it. Its sad I know, but I know that he does agree with me.
It also seems like the neighbors are going to do nothing about the little boy...that is the saddest thing. What that child must be feeling & going through. He obviously knows you talked to his mom & now he knows just how much he is cared for. He is a child crying for help & the people that should be helping him are more concerned about getting a window replaced.
Yea, it's an uncomfortable thing to deal with and it would be nice to have a little more support from DH (or even better let him have the difficult conversations all by himself). I have no answer for you. I've never been married and I have to deal with all this stuff with neighbors alone. It's hard! A little moral support would be nice!
It still sounds like you have everything under control though. I say again, GOOD JOB. So, they are going to dredge up an old incident on your kid. They are just trying to say, Well you're kid isn't perfect either. But so what. The other kid has serious problems and comes from a flakey family and that's no law that says you must make your child available to their child because y'all are neighbors and there used to be a relationship.
Ya know, the dad over there probably said, "Oh, honey, I'll get our child back in their good graces, just watch me" and he arrived at your house with a mitt and a ball. He put you on the spot. Well, your DH. He put your DH on the spot and your DH caved. Your DH is telling you he can't say NO to them so you're going to have to be the Bad Cop and that's okay. You're doing the right thing! You handled it beautifully. I'm sure your DH has other strengths and this is just one of those areas where you're going to have to lead.
Isn't it amazing how stressful these neighbor situations can be??
Thank everyone for caring for someone you don't really know (((hugs to everyone))).
The plot thickens, however. I decided to go out into my yard and work on my flower beds and the lady (Anna) came over to say hi. She didn't quite know how to start the conversation, so I did it for her.
I said your husband is quite upset with me , huh? She didn't answer right away, she talked about Anthony's punishment, etc...but did end up telling me that hubby/boyfriend not sure which now feels like the man has the final say so in the house. When he came over and asked if Anthony could play ball with the kids and my dh said yes, then I sent him home. That was like a mortal sin in his book.
I will tell you this, HE IS NOT THE MAN OF MY HOUSEHOLD!
Anna told me that the old man is the real father of Anthony, which I assumed he wasn't since he just showed up recently. Anyway, I did reinforce to her that my main concern with Anthony is the suicide comment and that I would feel better if I knew she was getting him counseling. She still doesn't think he meant it. She should know to take these things seriously since she tried to kill herself.
These neighbors are going to make ME crazy!
You mean it was a mortal sin for the wife to overrule the husband?? Heavens to Betsy these people are messed up!! Your DH might just have to step up and deal with this if that'll help the situation. You have no standing in their eyes. UGH!
I don't know what you could have done differently.
The man was made he lost his free babysitter and now he is going to make you pay. Well I don't know what to say...
Oh yeah. People are very strange. If you remember that you will be okay.
They are crazy as loons. I wouldn't look at them. I guess the man drove his girl friend to suicide so he thinks he can drive you batty too.
I also keep repeating to myself. Not my child.
You can call child protectie services if you really want to.
Bless your heart, I have been caught up in life and if I had seen your post I would have written sooner. Please allow an objective party to make a few observations.
1. If "the boyfriend who he calls Dad" bought the child a new mitt and ball HE, meaning "the boyfriend who he calls Dad" could darn well come outside in HIS yard and play ball with the kid. It WAS NOT NECESSARY for the "Dad" to come over and try to recruit YOUR kids to play ball with HIS "son"!!! And he was trying to recruit your DH as well. Part of being a parent is when you buy the new thing, you'd better be prepared to play with the new thing. (As I know, playing Candyland til the box wore out!) LOL My DH recently bought the kids a frisbee. I do not like frisbee and I have never been good at it. Besides, DH knows the "rule". As soon as my four year old DD said "I want to play frisbee" DH KNOWS who will be the one "bonked" on the head by a whirling piece of plastic and it AIN'T ME! (lol)
2. Your post leads to me believe that the difficult child was brought over to your home with the new ball and mitt and "dropped off" in your yard with your DH while "the boyfriend called Dad" went back home. Again, in my opinion, unacceptable on the part of the neighbor. The least the "boyfriend called Dad" could have done was stuck around and helped supervise the kids. The truth, as I see it, is the ball and mitt were purchased as a bribe to get the "difficult kid" back into your yard and out of "boyfriend called Dad's" house. Your DH simply got "roped in" to be the "free babysitter". (Which is really what your neighbors are looking for.....)
3. "The boyfriend called Dad" and Mom are not communicating or else "boyfriend called Dad" did know about the incident but denied it. Either way, this shows communication problems and neglect in the neighbor's home.
4. IF the neighbor pursues the "window incident" (he seems pretty lazy, he is probably just wanting to hold something over your head) but if he does, let him take you to small claims court and settle it there, make him present paperwork for estimates, costs incurred, receipts if the window had to be replaced, etc. He sounds like the kind of man who would try to take advantage of the incident. I would be more comfortable, with a person like that, in a courtroom where things must have documentation and proof. Then, pay what the judge decides, not just some financial figure that the neighbor pulls out of his head. AND GET RECEIPTS of any money you do give him, so you can prove you paid for it.
5. I am more careful of advice, experience in the area of your DH and marriage than in the area of this nutty neighbor (who I can't stand because it is SO BLATENTLY obvious they just don't want to care for their child) .
6. I will say that in dysfunctional families such as the one you seemed to have been dragged into, folks tend to play blame game and look for a scapegoat. Please allow me to observe that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that there are ill feelings with the neighbors!! It is the RESPONSIBILITY of the neighbor's to raise their son to be socially acceptable and to get their son help, if it is needed. If the neighbor's would take responsibility for their offspring, you would not have to forbid him from your yard!
Boundaries are GOOD things! I refer you to the first book of Genesis. God made the Earth with boundaries. The sky in one place, the land in another, the ocean in yet another, and all living things have boundaries to live in an appropriate environment, the sealife in the ocean, mammals on the land, etc. And God gave himself boundaries in His work and only created specific things within specific days, and after each creation and after each boundary, The Lord Almighty stated, "It is GOOD".
So, even God believes in healthy, creative boundaries.
7. Then, you go to work in your flower garden in your yard, and AGAIN you are disturbed by Anna. These people are pressuring you to "give in" so they don't have to take responsibility for cleaning up the mess that is their lives. AGAIN, this woman approached YOU, YOU are not approaching her, you are just trying to enjoy your yard. (And remember you lived there a year before you ever even heard from these people, when the child suddenly showed up....) and now, your "new best friend" proceeds to lay a guilt trip on you and tell you to submit to "the boyfriend called Dad" and says to him it is a moral sin!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(THIS LINE ADDRESSED FROM ME TO THE NEIGHBOR):
I GOT YOUR MORTAL SIN, LADY!!!
"God's Nightgown!" as Scarlett O'Hara would say (I am in Georgia).
((((((((((((Katherine)))))))))))))
I think I worked off a good ten pounds writing this post! (LOL) Thanks for the workout. But that is just my own personal pet peeve...folks who do not take care of their children. It just makes me NUTS! GGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!
And THEN for her to try to lay a guilt trip on you (obligating you to a mess out of pity) and then using MORALS to try to back herself up.....
OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!
Maybe if you let your husband read the threads that have been posted here in reference to this.... (Maybe you could print them) he could see another point of view....sometimes it just takes an objective eye.
I am more cautious of giving "feedback" about your DH.
But as for your neighbors, they are JUST WRONG!!!
AJ
I think that what you are going to need to keep in mind is that this family has some mental problems going on. If none of them are seeking help, these situations are going to continue to come up. If she is not getting help for her son, I think you should be calling child services. He needs help and living in that house with someone who tried to kill herself and is not seeing what he is saying/doing as a cry out for help is not good. Like I said, they all need help and I have a strong feeling that unless you stop ALL contact, this will continue to go on. Please, at least think about calling child services and getting this little boy some help before it is too late.
I have no advice only (((((((Katherine))))))!!
Maybe they will move.........
Your Dh probably felt guilty when the boyfriend/dad came over...then he felt guilty when you got stuck talking to the guy........
He probably feels really bad.....
Do you think you are crying because of the lack of support in a situation that is VERY uncomfortable. It sucks when you own a house and you are not a renter and can't just move or at least know you have that option. We rented next door to some horrible partiers(they would take turns throwing hatchets at their tree and take turns jumping our fence and running around our yard in the middle of the night)....we hated it but knew at least we could move if the going got really rough.
I hope this all blows over. Stay calm firm and pleasant. Pay for the stupid window or even offer to have someone come over to put in a new glass just so he can't keep using it against you. Don't let him install a new window or he will rip you off just to punish you(for comitting a Mortal Sin maybe).......
fiona
I agree with Vicki that you should call the child protective services people. Seems to me this is the only way you can protect your son, since your dh won't back you up on keep the boys separated.
This situation sounds worse and worse all the time. What if the guy starts trying to convince your dh that he should be "the man of the house" by complaining about you and working on dh about his "masculinity" because you are acting like the boss and going against what your dh says.
I don't think he would be able to persuade hubby that way. He just thought it would be ok to let them play in plain view.
As I already posted on the photo sharing board, I went to the school today to warn the principal about this child. He is going to get the kid in with the school counselor. I told him everything and I even mentioned that these are the kinds of kids that go to school with weapons, etc....that really got his attention. I hope that the school will be able to pick up on some of the problems he has and help him, or refer him to someone who can.
Katherine I am so glad you talked to the school. I hope that something is done to help this little boy. I think you are a great person for trying to get him the help he needs, first by going to his parents & when they did nothing the school.
I think you were very brave to go to the principal. No too many people would have been that brave. You were really looking out for the child.
((((((((GOOD GIRL!!!))))))))))))
I hope you resolved things with your DH. Perhaps if you printed these threads regarding the child, your DH could see another point of view.
I am so glad you went and enlisted help from the school. Maybe they will intervene on the child's behalf and maybe not--either way, they are AWARE that there is a problem in the home and that is so important.
Keep your boundaries UP!!! Don't let all this controversy and mixed feelings take them down. You have set good boundaries for your sanity and for your children. Keep your distance.
Good girl,
AJ
Thanks everyone!
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