Growing up, my mother handled the disiplin by down rating us kids. She would tell us how stupid we were and how we ruined her life and if we did anything wrong, like talk back or not clean our rooms then we would get 2 - 3 hour long screaming sessions about what all she has given up for us and how we don't deserve it. How we weren't as good as the "Jone's" kids etc... I always thought that a good spanking would be so much better because it wouldn't last for hours. (I have never had a spanking, so I am not saying that I was abused or anything.) Don't get me wrong I love my parents and speak everyday to them now, but it's still a fact that that's how I grew up. I now have problems trusting anyone because of lies that were told to me as a child, I have huge major problems with letting my feeling be known, whether sad, happy, mad or anything. I am like a robot to most things. (except my kids, I show them every kind of emotion. I want them to know how much they are loved and wanted.) Anyway enough history.... the problem is that here recently with my 4 yr old, I see my mother coming out in me. Not to the extreme like she was, but I don't want it to get even half that bad. I tell my son sometimes what a baby he is acting like and tonight he spilt some pudding on his shorts (no big deal right?) Well you would have thought that my head was going to spin around I got so angry. I told him "Why can't you act your age and not like a baby all of the time". Well he is a baby and my baby! Please give me some advice on what I can do to not talk bad to my son. He means the world to me and I want him to grow up knowing what a great man he will be and I want him to have friends (which I do not, because I always think that no one will like me, so I don't even try). I can't afford counseling and even if I could I have no one that will watch the kids for me to go. They are with only me 24 hours a day. (Not complaining) I don't want to make my son grow up thinking that he is nothing. Thats a bad feeling. I know.

By Marg on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:51 pm:

(((Anon)))

I had the most loving mom and I lost her to cancer when I was 36.

I was berated by my boss for almost 16 years. A lot of mental damage.

Losing my mom placed everything into perspective. I did a complete change. Because I often think, what if something happened to me and they lost their mom. I want them to remember me for my true, loving qualities.

May I suggest a couple of things (reading your situation).

1)Find a good friend who can become a sounding board. Who will not criticize you. Someone who can talk things through with and will give you moral support.

2)There are free Christian counseling places affiliated with churches and someone maybe able to babysit within their organization during that time.

3)Try talking to your mom about it. Maybe she was brought up in the same manner (not making an excuse just trying to get to the root). She maybe willing to talk to you. And if she doesn't you'll know you made an effort.

I know that you are in the right direction because you have mentally made an effort and realize the situation.

Keep trying, remember we all come from some type of disfunctional family.

((((Anon))))

By Pamt on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:57 pm:

For starters, when you feel yourself starting to get to that point, give yourself a time-out. Tell your child that you need to go to your room for a just a minute, but you'll be right back. Count to 10 and take a deep breath. Maybe even have a visual for such occasions such as a picture of your children with a favorite quote about how they deserve to be treated. Look at it and remind yourself that you are molding them and helping to create who they are and how they feel about themselves.

You sound like you are on the right track with recognizing how you were raised and seeing the potential for you to follow in the footsteps of your parents. Taking a breather and maybe also having a friend you could call in those crisis moments would help.

You sound like a great mom who wants to do the best she can for her children. If you keep that at the forefront then you can keep your words spoken in anger under control. And....don't be too hard on yourself. We all lose our cool sometimes.

One final suggestion...if you attend a church (or even if you don't) many churches provide free counseling. If you explain your childcare situation they might even be able to help with that. I think your self-esteem is probably pretty low just because of the way you were raised and I wish I lived close enough to give you a big hug and be your real live friend. People will like you and you can have friends, you just going to have to be vulnerable to get out there and try. Start with a class or a club or something. I really hope things improve for you!

(((anon)))

By Anonymous on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:09 pm:

Thank you guys for responding so quickly. I have been sitting on pins and needles, because I always look to yall for support. I do attend a great church and have thought about the counseling there. My parents attend there too and I would hate for anyone to think bad of them. I love them so much and like I said we talk everyday. Me and my mother do things all of the time together but she is not someone you can have a heart to heart with, much less bring up how we were raised. I probably will look in to the counseling. My son is so great and he HAS to ALWAYS know that. I just went and gave him a big hug and told him that I was sorry for acting crazy earlier. He just smiled. (I woke him up, he probably doesn't even know what I am talking about.) Thank you for your hugs too. I really need them right now.

By Melanie on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:34 pm:

((((HUGS))))
I think you are on the right track. You are doing what was modeled for you, but you recognize that it wasn't right. That's huge. Look into that counseling so you can gain the tools to do it better. Best of luck to you.

By Pamt on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:43 pm:

Anon, if your church is any good (and I'm sure that it is ), any counseling you do is totally anonymous and confidential and they won't think bad of your parents. We are all sinners and we all screw up---one thing isn't worse than another. And as the wife of a minister, I can tell you that they have heard it all. Your story, unfortunately, won't be anything new and there have been parents like yours before.

I would also strongly suggest the book The Gift of the Blessing by Gary Smalley. It talks about how one of our jobs as parents is to bless our children and gives practical every day ways of how to do that. AND it also has a part for adult children to learn to bless themselves if they were never blessed by their parents. It really is a great book and I think I might just re-read it myself.The Gift of the Blessing} by Gary Smalley. It talks about how one of our jobs as parents is to bless our children and gives practical every day ways of how to do that. AND it also has a part for adult children to learn to bless themselves if they were never blessed by their parents. It really is a great book and I think I might just re-read it myself.

By Pamt on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:45 pm:

Sorry for my messed up post---I tried to create an Amazon link and couldn't get it to work and ended up accidentally cutting and pasting part of my post. Going to bed now *sigh*

By Coopaveryben on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:47 pm:

Anon, I think we have all said things to our kids that we don't mean.....so really don't beat yourself up over it. The important thing is that you have realized what you have done and you are aware of it and working to find a solution to the problem. I had older brothers who were always critizing/teasing me about everything I did and as a result I have a tendancy to be very critical of myself and others, it is something I work on everyday.

I wish I could give you some great advice on how to keep yourself from ever talking to your kids like that but I don't, I just want you to know I understand and that even with this one thing it sounds like you are doing a lot more things "right". Perhaps you should check into talking to someone in therapy. Is there an older mother you could use as a mentor, someone to call when you get upset?

By Emily7 on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:49 pm:

You may also want to look into parenting classes because they can give you different ways to deal with what is going on. You may also meet someone there that can develope a friendship with.
If you do go to the church for counseling, they are there not to judge you or your parents.
Good luck.

By Audreyj on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 10:54 am:

www.joycemeyer.org

Joyce Meyer is a Christian speaker and author with a sterling reputation. She came from a hard background and she often speaks on overcoming depression and breaking generational stuff. You might find her website helpful. Audrey

By Juli4 on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 05:20 pm:

I watched the drphil primetime special last night and I too came from a household of yellers and find myself also yelling when I don't want to and he said something that clicked in my head that helped. He said that when you are yelling at your kids you are choosing to get the "fix" of venting your frustration instead opf nurturing your children. I never really thought of it as a fix but that is what it is. I choose to selfishily vent instead of doing what my kids need. That really struck home and sometimes when you hear something like that it lights a lightbulb over your head and it has helped me.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 10:39 pm:

Anon, let me say first, BTDT. I found myself, with my oldest, screaming and yelling at him and he was cringing - and I realized that the line between being angry and child abuse is a very fine line and easy to cross.

Second, that you recognize what happened AND where it comes from is very, very good. It says a whole lot of good things about you that you recognize what happened and that you don't want to have it happen again. And that you recognize where it comes from will help you in seeing what is happening before you reach that point again.

And that you went to your son and apologized is very important. That lets him know that you weren't being his usual mommy, that you know it was wrong, and that you are able to tell him so and let him forgive you. I think that was wonderful, and very brave of you to do that.

Third, if your pastors are ethical, they will indeed treat any confidence from you as confidential and will not let it slop over into their professional lives as pastors. I do urge you to talk to someone. And, perhaps your pastors know of a place where you can get counseling that is free or on a sliding scale. Believe me, it will be much easier and faster to work this through if you have professional help.

The time out idea is a very good one.

Certainly thing about Marg's suggestions, and the book PamT suggested.

And, know you are not alone, you are supported, and we are always here. (Really - some people are on this board at 3:00 a.m. - and sometimes it is me.)

You were and are an abuse victim. Not all abuse is physical. You are the victim of emotional abuse. One of the problems for victims of abuse is that they often repeat what was done to them with their children. You see that, and because you see it and don't want to do it, you are most likely to not do it. Counseling will help you with this. Here is a link to the Child Abuse Prevention web site of Cornell University, which has some self-help sites linked to it. http://child.cornell.edu/bookmarks.html

Also, surely you can see from the posts above that no one here is criticizing you and no one thinks you are a bad mother.

By Missbookworm on Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 10:45 pm:

{{{{{{{{{ Anon }}}}}}}}}}} I've been there done that too...and was raised in much the same way. I think you've gotten alot of great advice so I won't add more I just wanted to say you're not alone and give you a hug.

By Anonymous on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 03:58 am:

Years ago Marilyn Hickey (Christian) had a set of tapes out called "Reverse the Curse". I would highly recommend them.