Not interested
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2008:
Not interested
Never thought I'd be posting anon, nor posting about this issue, but I can't think of anyone else to talk to..
I've been married 16 years to a very sweet man. While there hasn't been a huge amount of passion in our sex life, it's been OK. I'm 45 and lost my dad last year (I was very close to him) and live several states away from my mom and the rest of my family. I've tried to make a home here and have done a good job, we have two wonderful girls and I have friends. My husband is very busy with various work obligations and we usually have sex once, maybe twice a month. I don't mind...usually I'm just wanting to go to sleep. Lately, though, it's become this major (I mean MAJOR) issue with him. Every night becomes this big battle...he wants sex and I just don't. I'm just not "into" it. I've tried to tell him maybe it's residual grief from Dad's prolonged illness and death (it's been a year next week)...maybe hormones... I dunno. But it came to a head last night--I came home from a week visiting my mom. I was tired, had plane connection probs, emotional from the trip, all that... he wanted "welcome home" sex. I wanted to sleep. He got angry, saying he thought I'd be happy to see him. I said I was, but he didn't believe me and stormed out of the bedroom. When I was gone, he wanted to have "phone sex" with me (never, ever asked for that before) and kept telling me he missed me and was having fantasies about me... it's doing just the opposite of what he's hoping...it's really turning me off. I don't want this. If I go through with sex, I feel like a •••••, quite frankly. I don't know what to do right now. Thanks for listening.
I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate on so many levels. I have no words of advice, but just to let you know I can understand where you are coming from.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It doesn't sound like your husband is being very understanding. Have you told him that the phone sex and fantasy talk is not doing it for you? It sounds like he's trying, but in a misguided way, and maybe he doesn't understand that. Talk to him OUTSIDE the bedroom and explain that it makes you feel cheap and turned off. Also,try to talk to your doc, you sound like you could be depressed, and you might need some help to get over the hump. Good luck!!
There has been times in the past where I just wasn't in the mood for pretty long stretches at a time. My dh would love to have sex daily, heck even more than once daily! LOL I would be happy with once weekly, and some people think even that is a lot. Anyway, there has been many times where my dh wanted sex and I did not. I usually tell him why I dont want it, tired, headache, or just not in the mood. But, sometimes I will have sex to please him. I love my dh dearly and don't think it is fair to make him go without for weeks at a time. I WANT to make him happy. What is 5-10 minutes anyway!  I don't do this everytime mind you, but on occation I will. A lot of woman might disagree with me but I think that if you withhold sex too much from your dh, he could start to resent you and start looking elsewhere. I'm not saying that he will, I'm just saying that it increases the odds. Sometimes when I'm not in the mood and we have sex anyway, I'll end up getting turned on before we're finished. I've been married for almost 13 years and we have a pretty healthy sex life. Would you happen to be on the pill? That totally turned off my desire for sex. Good luck to you!
As we all know depression has a major effect on libido and it sounds to that you have every right to be depressed.
I have been with my husband since a month after he turned 23, he will be 43 in a few months and I can tell you that just like a woman their sex drive goes up and down too. Over the past 20 years we have both driven each other nuts about this topic. Right now he would have it at least once a day and I would rather sleep. But I know I am having issues with depression, my stress levels have been through the roof for the past three months, and the last thing I want is to be touched. I can't even remember the last time we had sex, I think he has given up.. Poor guy.. But I am taking the steps to get things back to some sense of stable, because he doesn't deserve to feel rejected because of issues in myself that I can address.
You might, ought, to have a talk with your DH and tell him you are aware that he feels rejected. I would also try to explain to him that you are apparently depressed and that it isn't personal. You need to work through this, with help or with out. You are short changing not only him but yourself.
I just want to say thanks for your comments... right now, I don't know what the answer is. I managed to "perform" last night, but it only makes me feel more awful. The other issue in this, though (I feel like it wasn't explained well in my first post) is the marked increase in his interest and what he wants to do. He's never expressed an interest in some of these things before and it's been him that hasn't had much desire over the years. Some might say this is a sign of "something" (or "someone") but I really don't think this is the case. It's just weird. No, I haven't talked to him about it. I should. Anyway, thanks-- OP
Anon. Dh is more interested now than ever and I know that "something" (or "someone") isn't the case here either. Like I said sexual drive goes up and down in their lives too. They don't "peek" out at 20 and then loose interest for the rest of their lives.
Oh and men process stress etc. differently. He may very well, think he is helping, when all he is doing is turning you off.
Maybe he is into "adult" websites or movies lately, where he is "learning" all of these new desires? Just a thought. Or, I hate to say it, but, from personal experience, sometimes it IS a sign of a "someone". In any event, I can totally understand why it would turn you off.
Another thought...are you on antidepressants since the passing of your Dad? Prozac, Zoloft, etc. That will definitely kill your desire.
I have been married a long time and my DH has ALWAYS had issues about sex. HE is the one who doesn't want it. When we were young, it was real problem for me. Not only did I want the sexual pleasure (not that it ever lasted long enough for me to be satisfied), but I craved the intimacy. He would push me away. It hurt a lot. Consequently, I went through what many women do, thinking it was me. I dieted excessively, changed the color and style of my hair frequently, etc. His Dad was the same way and it really had a negative impact on his parents' marriage. I even suspect that my DH was sexually abused as a young man, by a female, because he really resents when a woman talks about HER needs in that department. I could never ask for him to do something that would satisfy me because he would get really angry.
The kicker was that, when he was in the military, he had a series of affairs! That just totally did me in, in light of the fact that he never wanted ME. I remember once, when he came home from a long deployment, and all of a sudden, he was very aggressive sexually, and also wanted to try "new " things. Before that, he was always happy with the "quick and boring". I had suspected infidelity anyway, but that really made me wonder. Then, I came down with a very serious vaginal infection that also affected my bladder, and was VERY hard to eradicate. Eventually, all the **** hit the fan and his sordid little life all came to light. We went through many years of counseling. I have stayed with him because I don't have a way to make a good standard of living for myself and my kids. However, I resent him greatly.
Now that he is older and is on blood pressure medication, he can't really perform anymore anyway, and that is okay with me. However, every now and then, he makes a snide comment how he doesn't "get any". Men can be such jerks!
I, too, think that your husband is being very insensitive to what you are going through. I would advise you to be diligent and observant because it sounds like something might be going on.
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