Ok here it goes. Just a little background. I work full time 3 12 hour nights, my husband goes to school full time and stays home with the kiddies while I work. In all ways this is the most logical thing to do and in theory works very well. NOt one of us has all the burden. My husband did work for about 9 months after our 2nd child was born and as nice as it was for me it was just too stressful having him gone from 7 in the morning to 11 at night 4 nights a week. Anyways I am now the breadwinner. I am ok with that and I don't mind working. I just seem to be caught in a rut. Nothing around the house ever seems to be clean at all. If one room is clean it is because we sacraficed all the other ones to clean that one. kwim. ANyways I came home last night (i picked up an evening shift) and everything was exactly the way I left it just more scatterred. The dishes were still dirty and everything. They ate some leftovers I had in the fridge for dinner. I was very frustrated that not one thing was done. I ask my husband if he got any homework done and he says no. He says he doesn't even try with the kids because it is impossible. I understand that but then I wonder what he DID do last night because everything is exactly the way it was when I left. Well when I ask him these questions he gets defensive and mad. Or he doesn't answer. He does help some. Enough that I can't say he doesn't do anything. There will be a day or two in the week he will straighten the living room and kitchen or just do something that really helps out and I appreciate it a lot, but for some reason I can't convince him that something needs to be done EVERDAY in order to keep things running as good as we can. We have young children it is hard and everything, but I don't know how to approach it or what to do. It seems like I work and work and then on my days off I try to catch up but never do only to go back to work and everything falls apart again and the cycle repeats itself. I wonder if maybee we both work part time if that will work better. But then we have two schedules to work around. My schedule is extremely flexible though. I just don't know. Do any of you have any suggestions. Yesterday I cleaned the upstairs really well, but now the downstairs is so bad not even a cleaning service will come in and touch it probably.

By Lauram on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 12:59 pm:

You would be amazed what cleaning services do. Ours is at our house as we speak. We call it "Clean Tuesday." It's a great investment. I highly recommend it!

By Audreyj on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 01:16 pm:

A Housekeeper is Cheaper Than A Divorce! (little joke, there, but true nonetheless) AJ

By Emily7 on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 01:25 pm:

There are several woman that I know that balance school, homework, & kids I don't see why your dh can't.
My dh & I split the housework up when we both worked. I did the laundry, he put it away. I loaded the dishwasher & he emptied it.
I cleaned the bathrooms & he got the bedroom. We both shared the living room. We mopped & vacuumed the floors when needed.
Even now that I am a SAHM he stills helps on the weekends & we do a quick clean up of toys at night together.

By Tonya on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 01:39 pm:

We both work FT and our house looks good at night before we all go to bed. Sometimes the dishes might stay until the next afternoon but otherwise if things are picked up when they are messed up it will help allot. I would just tell him you are gone less than me so why am I still doing more at home then you!! Tell him you want 50/50 at least and daily things should be done! Make a list of things per day that need to be done or a chart for daily chores for both of you. Good luck!!

By Tklinreston on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 01:54 pm:

Julie, I can certainly understand your frustration. My ds isn't the best in helping around the house either. We both work full time and I do 95% of the housework, too, and of course, take care of our kids mostly. He travels at least 2-3 days a week and so those days are a bit harder on me. We've talked about it alot and although initially it's ok for a few days, it resorts back to the same pattern. Sounds like Emily and Tonya's dhs are great... maybe we should have them meet ours and whip them into shape. I just think that certain people are innately good at things like that .. my dh is naturally lazy.. likes lounging around and watching tv... he could watch tv all night if it was possible. His parents are like that....actually, so I think it's his upbringing. I would just try talking to your dh in a calm manner letting him know how you feel and the stress it's causing you. Like Tonya suggested maybe a chart will help. Let us know how it goes.

By Debbie on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 03:02 pm:

This is what worked for dh and I when we were both working. We sat down together and made a list of the things that needed to be done. What needed to be done daily and what needed to be done once a week, twice a week, etc. Then we split up the items and we each had our chores. Dh had his posted on the fridge. He made himself a chart and each day of the week he listed what he needed to do. Now, I stay home full time, so it is not an issue. However, when we were both working FT, it really helped. Good luck to you. I hope you come up with a solution that works for both you and your dh.

By Janet on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 03:18 pm:

I think in general, a man's standard of what's acceptable and what isn't (in the way of housework) is very different from a woman's, espcecially one who's been at home. This is one of my biggest gripes at our house, too! Now I'm working FT, I can't do it all alone like I used to. But often, when I point out things that need to be done, I get a blank look (you mean there's something wrong with underwear on the kitchen table???) I think you need to actually spell out what needs to be done and agree on expectations (you may have to lower yours somewhat)-- NEVER assume he sees what needs to be done (Amazing how you just don't see dishes in the sink after about 3 days). Good luck!

By Cybermommyx4 on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 03:49 pm:

Another thing (generalization) about "men" (and I know there are always a few exceptions) is that I don't think men can multi-task as well as women can. I know that I can: clean the kitchen, make dinner, fold laundry, help with homework, and talk on the phone at the same time. DH could never pull that off! He also is one of those people who likes to finish one thing before starting another. ?!?! I *used* to be like that - motherhood cured me! Good luck re-training DH

By Audreyj on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 04:48 pm:

Is Fly Lady still online? Maybe she has some ideas that would help. AJ

By Truestori on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 06:36 pm:

Flylady is a great tool, to bad I always fall off the bandwagon.lol

Are there any rooms that could possibly be off limits to the kids while you are working?
There are days when I don't want my kids in the dining room or guest room etc. It seems that any room that is really clean attracts the whole house. lol

A chart could help, but not all husbands are up for that. Maybe you and your hubby could brainstorm together. Try not to put blame it sounds like you both have your hands full and truthfully the house is what usually suffers.
I have a sign in my house that reads, Excuse the mess but we live here!
My house gets clean and then the cycle begins also. You are so not alone, just remember that!

By Emdee on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 - 06:45 pm:

My dh is willing to help out, he just needs to be told what needs done. But once I alert him to the things that need to be cleaned he is right there to help. Like has already been said, maybe just alerting him to what needs done will get him helping. But it never fails--the next time something needs done, I still have to ask dh, so keep on him (without being nagging and making him upset if possible!). I have told dh so many times that it is easier for me to do it than ask for his help, but asking at least gets me some help.

By Feona on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 07:03 am:

The cleaning people don't care what your house looks like.

By Eight_Kids on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 08:22 am:

I have the same 'vent'. I walked around my house on Sunday (my only day off until Friday...and I have to drive 3 hours to a college open house that day) cleaning up while DH, DSD-12, DSD-13 layed around and watched tv all day....and then they wonder why I'm such a you know what!!! My DH doesn't have a job and is technically the stay at home parent...he picks up side jobs here and there to keep us 'afloat' while his ex is out of work (this happens a lot)The kids have chores but apparantly it's not a big deal to anyone but me if they don't get done.
I don't really have any advice...the cleaning people sound good but personally I can't afford one. I just keep plugging along hoping one day the rest of them MIGHT get up and help me out sometime.
Good luck!!
(((((Juli))))))

By Kaye on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 08:29 am:

When I was in school, married and pregnant I will admit to be like your DH. And if my hubby had come home and asked what I did all day, I would flip. I am now a SAHM of 3 school aged kids, it is an all day job, yes I could do a better job keeping the house cleaning, making meals etc, but I spend my time doing other things. PTA, girl scouts, class helper etc. When the kids get home from school I actually spend time with them. The house will wait. My personal thoughts are he is doing his share, it may not be the share you want. But does he love his kids, does he play with them, read to them etc.

By Conni on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:01 am:

Your children are very young ans at tough ages. My home was not spotless when I had a 2yo and an infant. They are 12 and almost 11 now. The time flies by so fast and your kids are fortunate *NOT* be in daycare.

Maybe you could start by thinking positive thoughts about what your dh is willing to do... Tell him Thank you for caring for the children while you are at work so you are not having to worry about them at a daycare.

My ex husband nor my husband now want to be sahd. If they were I would leave them a list and hope they got something done on the list. But you cant take your eyes off a 2 yo and a 7 mo!

Good luck!

By Vicki on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:24 am:

I don't have advice about this situation, but all of you that have posted about leaving lists and making charts and all of that....would your dh really be ok with that?? I am the SAH parent and I would FLIP out if dh started leaving me lists of what I was to get done that day!! Or if he made me a little chore chart like we make for dd. I have a feeling he would react the same was if I were to do that to him.

By Sue3 on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 10:33 am:

You got some great advice.I agree totally with Connie.My home also was not very well kept
when my kids were as young as your`s.
It was BIG job just keeping them entertained ,and fed.
and it alway`s went by so fast.

By Tink on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 11:27 am:

My dh and I work opposite shifts and the only thing that finally worked was for him to be responsible for one room everyday. He chose the kitchen. Instead of constantly picking up and feeling like he never accomplished anything, He starts cleaning the kitchen about an hour before I get home and does the dishes, wipes everything down, takes out the trash and the litter box, sweeps and Swiffer wet-jets the floor. I like coing home and having one room that is really well-done. I do the living room every evening and the dks are in charge of their room with a little help from both of us. My dh needed to see that he walked out of a room that was really *done* to feel motivated to do it again the next day.

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, September 22, 2004 - 06:46 pm:

A reasonable list with little "check boxes" and SPECIFIC things...not just "clean living room". Something like vacuum such and such, pick up all toys in this room, etc... That way you're not nagging. I also make a list on the weekend and he chooses what he wants to do (he chooses something, then I choose something else...like choosing kids for a baseball team in gym...LOL! Until all the chores are picked.) This helped him feel like he wasn't being "told" what to do...it was his choice and I never nagged. I just gave a deadline.