I don't know what to do about dh
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2004:
I don't know what to do about dh
Ok this is kind of a vent and kind of a question. My dh was caught again looking at porn. Not "hardcore" porn, but something you would see on victoria secret or something (that I know of). Anyways he always feels bad and then a couple of months later does it again. I am at my wits end. I have no idea what to do.
The most annoying part is there is nothing I can do. I am sick and tired of it. He also watches movies that are below our standard of movies.
He has no discipline or character when it comes to this area. I don't want to do anything like leave him, but what can I do. We have had all the heart to hearts and all that but it obviously was a bunch of bologna!!!!
He prefers non nude women which has made things worse in my mind because he probably looks at stuff that doesn't come up as porn that I don't know about. And we drove by a bunch of joggers the other day and he didn't have the decency or character or discipline not to look. I don't mean he noticed them he LOOKED.
ANy suggestions. He know and thinks it is wrong and it hurts me ,but he still does it. I am sick!!!!
{{{{anonymous}}}} It sounds like your dh has a sexual addiction. If this is the case, it is something that he really can't control right now. The only way for him to stop, is to first admit that he has an addiction and then seek help. With out help, he will not stop. There is nothing really that you can do to stop him. He must do this himself.
If he will not get help for it, then you have to decide whether this is something you want to live with or not.
I hope things get better for you soon. {{{hugs}}}
(((HUGS))) Not much advice here accept that porn is untolerable in my house too.
I don't mean to sound ingnorant here, but I've never heard of pornography with non-nude woman? You don't atually mean that he is literally looking at Victoria Secret do you? I guess I would need clarification before I could really give my opinion. Sorry, I'm confused.
Whatever the situation, I'm sorry you are being hurt. I hope you can work things out. ((Hug))
I'm sorry you're upset, but I have to agree with Eve. I'm also confused. I don't consider Victoria's Secret (or anything similar) as porn. Is there more to the story?
I don't necessarily think V.S. is porn. but I would MOST DEFINATELY be quite disturbed if my husband had ANY interest in looking at it. The magazine certainly doesn't help those men who struggle with sexual addiction.
I don't think it's a big deal if he's looking at a Victoria Secret mag and thinks the women are sexy, that's why they are in the magazine. I think the much bigger issue is that this hurts you and he knows it and is still doing it. Have you explained to him how bad this really makes you feel and are you sure he understands?
Sorry,
I guess I'm the bad guy here. I don't condone porn, but I don't condemn it out of hand either. Your husband is an adult. He likes looking at pictures of adult women. What's the harm? And please let's not get into the whole exploitation/objectification of women debate - these girls make more money than we'll ever see! He's married, he's not dead.
I especially don't see the problem if he's just looking at women in sexy clothes...
I can understand that you feel bad about it and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. So, perhaps the solution is for him to make sure you don't see his magazines.
I do have a problem with him gawking at other girls while he's with you. That bothers me much more than the magazines. That shows a total lack of respect for you and your feelings. If your going to have a discussion - that's what I would talk to him about.
I don't think you're dealing with a sex addict by the way. I think he's just a normal guy and I don't think looking at magazines indicates a lack of character, either. Looking at other girls in your presence is a different matter ...
I am sorry you are so upset and hurt. I hope you and he can come to a compromise you can both be happy with.
Ame
ok there are non nude fetish sites that don't show the ...i don't know what to call it but the various acts and such that you would see on a pornographic site. Not that he doesn't like them, but it is not his preference. I do not agree that it is ok. I think it is bringing someone else into a part of our relationship that should be only us. I don't mind that he finds women attractive I would worry if he didn't but he has a perfectly good wife at home that is there always for the pleasure of having in any way. I don't see that there is a need to satisfy himself with someone other than me. It is hurtful and degrading to me as his wife.
So anyways. Again he promises it will get better and such, but now I am suspicious of everything and hate this feeling. I just don't know what to do if anything. lowering the standard and allowing him to do it becasue he can't control himself is not an answer. He hates that he does it (not at the time obviously), but afterwards feels bad and doesn't want to again. IT is a vicious cycle and I am losing heart and trust in this area. Every other area seems to be good.
Ame- I agree with everything you said.
Anon, I think that you should approach it differently with him. My dh used to look at porn (I found the charges on the digital cable bill) and when I confronted him about it, he said that it was becuase he didn't get it enough from me.
I know you are going - "GASP!"
But, it makes sense. If a man's needs are not being fulfilled at home, he WILL go elsewhere to varying degrees. I once knew a man (a long time ago- I worked at the convenience store he used to frequent) who said to me that his wife totally shut off the spigot. He felt totally and absolutely rejected and worthless in every way because of this. No, his marriage did not last.
Men are not totally sexual animals, but they need to feel loved and accepted, and sex is an important way of reassuring them that we as wives are happy with them as husbands. Sex is also important because it allows husbands to intimately show their wives how much we mean to them.
I don't know if this helps, but it was worth a try.
You might also consider this- if he constanly caught you doing something he didn't like, whatever it might be and for whatever reason that might be, how would he feel? In a marriage, in a true partnership, each partner should use the utmost discretion so as not to do something that is upsetting to the other- within reason.
I guess I am like the others and am a little lost. Are you saying that he is taking these magazines and pleasing himself while looking at them??? Or is he only looking?
That's what I was wondering....
I had another thought. If I get a turn on from a particular piece of music, or I find some art to be erotic and sexually stimulating - is this pornographic? No. Do I prefer these things to my husband? No. Do I feel as if I am "bringing somebody else int our marriage?" No. If I read a romance novel with a particularly steamy sex scene am I being disrespectful or hurtful to my husband? No.
Men view sex differently from women. For most women sex is tied up with love and committment and marriage and part of a relationship package. For most men the sex they have with their wives as part of their committed relationship and the feeling they get from looking at a magazine is a totally different thing. Thier interest in porn has very little to do with their wives, or their satisfaction / dissatisfaction with their marriage.
I don't think his looking at magazines has anything to do with you or your relationship. I do, however, still have a problem with his checking out other girls in your presence.
Ame
WOAH Lisa (cocoa)! That's not fair at all!!!!! I was just as sexual and pleasing as my husband and he went elsewhere anyway. Anon feels bad enough, I am sure. JMHO
I agree with Kim. Porn/sex addiction has NOTHING to do with how much or how good sex is at home. Original Anon, I'm not sure if I am totally understanding what your DH is looking at, but I'm guessing very scantily clad women in suggestive poses/positions/acts with accompanying facial expressions. Whether or not he is masturbating while looking at this stuff is beside the point...you are plain and simply talking about the issue of *lust.*
I don't know what your religious background is, but in most evangelical mainline Protestant denominations lust is viewed as sinful. Admiring and appreciating a woman's beauty is NOT lust, but looking at a woman with sexual intent (i.e., undressing her with your eyes, imagining sex with her) IS. Billy Graham always said, "Lust is the second look."
Regardless of what I or anyone else on this board think about it (and for the record, I agree with you. I think it is a 3rd party in the marriage and disrespectful to you), you feel a breach of trust and feel degraded and your DH apparently feels immense guilt over this and how he is hurting you. Your feelings are valid and should not be discounted by anyone's personal definition of what does or doesn't constitute "porn." My DH ministers to many people with porn (even if it is "soft-core" stuff) issues and was telling me about these online accountability partners where your DH partners up with someone and every site he views is recorded on another person's computer as an accountability measure. I can get more info from my DH if you are interested...just let me know.
Hope things improve (((ANON)))
Sorry Kim, maybe I should have been a little more careful in choosing my approach. I didn't mean to suggest that every man who is satisfied at home will stay at home- only the good ones will. Once again, I apologize.
I should have asked if maybe the sex was a little lacking in Anon's marriage. I know she feels a bit cheated- I did too. But I made my dh open up to me and tell me WHY he was watching porn, and his response opened MY eyes and made me look at myself as a wife. I was selfish. He approached me for sex and I rejected him quite often because it wasn't what I wanted. All I did was open myself up to sex to him more frequently and added a little more spice to our sex life and soon porn became a non-issue in our marriage.
Here's what I would do, Anon. I would keep an eye out for the next time he is looking at Victoria's Secret. What outfits is he looking at? Or ask him which outfit he'd like for you to have. Then, go ahead and order it. And WEAR it for him. Tell him you are doing it just for him. I bet he'll turn his attention away from the magazines and back to you! ;)
My take on this has very little to do with what your husband looks at. He could find pleasure in staring at skyscrapers. If that habit made you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, and he knew it, I would take him to task for his insensitivity towards you. He seems not to care if he hurts you with this, and that is the injury here. I think the references to sexual addiction are a bit over the top. Call him as insensitive lout, but don’t start giving a mental health diagnosis with so little information.
I agree with Ame and Bea. Calling him a sex addict seems a bit much. The second and third glances at the REAL women I would find much more offensive.
I also agree with Bea and Ame. I had this issue with my ex-husband. I'm not against porn, I'm probably one of the more liberal members of the board on that topic. My issue is the "teen" sites on the internet. I asked my ex to stop sneaking around and looking at that, because it bothered me. He couldn't stop. The issue is respect. Anon, your DH is being disrespectful... that's unacceptable. HOWEVER... you need to find a compromise, because that is what marriage is about. You can't be his mom, and I doubt you'd WANT to. He needs to bend some, and be more respectful of your feelings, and you need to bend some, to not completely dictate this issue. JMHO... I hope I haven't offended anyone.
I can't see how I can let my husband look at pornography and still have an intimate relationship with him. Sex is not the issue here. IF sex is what he wants then he knows he can have it anytime reasonable. I have never ever said no to my husband. If anyone is being rejected it is me because he fulfills his need elsewhere. And I have never heard of people looking at porn and not masturbating. That seems unusual for me. This is not a compromisable issue. I don't want to bring anyone else whoever it may be into a part of our relationship that is sacred and between 0nly us. I am not "driving him into porn" as some have implied.
I am just exhausted on this subject emotionally and mentally. We have read all the books and communicate i think very well and we know about the accountability thing my husband actually looks at someone elses stats to keep them accountable. It is like we go for 6 months or so and nothing like this happens and then just when I trust him again and feel as though we are making big stirdes in teh intimate area this happens. Just two days before this happened again i told him that I appreciate the fact that he has not looked at anyting it really makes me feel loved and special and then this happens. This is not a parent/child relationship. This is a loving couple whose husband sturggles in this area and I have no idea what to do about it. I know you all have been going on very little information and thank you for all your responses.
I have not responded due to my frustration but here it is hope this helps.
Oh and it is not acutally victoria secret magazines it is just that nature of pictures. I would not be dumb enough to keep it in my house if I didn't want my husband looking at it.
I think you probably hit the nail on the head when you called it "not a compromisable issue". I have read all the posts above, and think the issue here is not that your husband looks at the magazines and at other women, but that you have told him how much it hurts you and he continues to do it knowing that he is hurting you. He is saying, in essence, that even though he knows he is hurting you, his gratification is more important - and I can understand that that is not an area of compromise for you.
Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you tried individual counseling for yourself? If not, I recommend both - the marriage counselor to help the two of you learn how to listen to each other better and communicate better and for the counselor to help your husband see how much you are hurt (and maybe for you to see how little the looking means to him) - and individual counseling because I think you could use some help in sorting out your feelings and priorities. I am a firm believer that we each have the answers to our problems and issues, but that a good counselor knows how to figure out what questions to ask.
I agree that if this is something that is bothersome to you, it needs to be addressed. While I think that it is totally normal for both men and women to look at the opposite sex and find people attractive, it crosses the line to be fantasizing and satifying yourself while looking at them. I also think it crosses the line to be so obvious looking at others that your partner notices. I am not going to say that while dh and I are togther I never notice nice looking men, but I certainly don't gawk at them in such a way that he would even know that I noticed the great looking guy on the beach!! I have never noticed him looking at nice looking woman either, but I am SURE that he notices. But it would not be ok with me if he was pleasing himself while looking at them. I agree that counseling would be a great idea for both of you. I wish you luck in getting this resolved.
I think PamT said it better than anyone. Lust is a sin, NO MATTER what degree they are going to. And I know most of us here are religeous and no matter what religeon you come from, lust is a sin, a sin that ultimately can lead up to adultery. (And I said can, not will).
(((HUGS))) Anon, I've BTDT and not too long ago from now so I feel your pain. Each man needs to learn in their own way, there is no "set in stone" way to stop them. My idea to my DH is that if he could prove to me that he didnt need to involve these "other women" in our marriage I would go have lingerie "his-eyes-only" pictures taken of myself that he could look at if I wasnt there to satisfy him. That got him excited enough to give it up. I wont say that I know if he does but I havnt found a magazine in my house for about 9 months and there are no porns charges on the Direct TV bill. Thats just how I fixed it but like I said, every man is different. But before lingerie pics of yourself sound like a fix, he needs to build up trust and make you feel like you are the only woman he wants and needs. I hope you feel better soon, I really do feel for you.
I would like to add that we have seen several marraiges fail in our church family over the last few yrs because of what started out to be a dh innocently looking every now and then at porn. It *is* addictive and ruins lives. These people all have young boys that unfortunatley will be pretty disappointed in their Dad's one day. 
We dont let it into our house period. Dh even explained to his oldest ds (when he was a teen) that it is very dirty. He told him after you look at it you feel dirty.
My dh isnt *dead* at all but he does have high standards he lives by thank goodness!
I hope you and your dh can come to an understanding and I hope he can gain control of this before it hurts your relatioship worse than it already has.
Timeslike these we wish we could get you on the phone and have a conversation.
Now that I see that he is not starving at home and that you are truly doing your best to be a good wife, and if you have tried appealing to him for sensitivity and you have tried reading books and communicating, and nothing has worked, then it sounds like counseling is the only option left.
I agree it is not an addiction. We all make choices in life. No one is holding a gun to his head. He does this because he is weak. Maybe weak in character, maybe weak because it is simply a fetish. But therapy will give him the tools he needs to rise above his temptations.
I have been thinking about you a lot and I sincerely hope that I have not been insensitive to you. I went through something similar, and I was hoping I could be of help. I will keep you in my prayers.
Just so you know I would be freaked out too. I am super control freak. I need to control everything in my house. Aren't you glad you aren't married to me?
I know this porn stuff freaks woman out, but I have been listening to dr joyce brown on fm radio and she says it is normal for men to look at this stuff. She makes a good point that teens start looking at this stuff early.
She also said you don't want to be his Mother.... Men don't sleep with their mothers. Makes sense. She asked do you want to treat him like a child by monitoring what he looks at.
This is a really common problem too. So don't think he is unique. Even church leaders have this problem.
She also made a good point on spying on husbands or wifes. Marriage is about trust so if you are spying to check up on husband you don't trust him. The spying says more about the marriage than the porn. Most men look at porn.
Thank you all. As for now we have decided to put a filter on our internet controlled by me. It was his idea so that I am glad. We will keep moving forward. I am just so reluctant to get my hopes up and then be disappointed again. But it is worth it for all of us including the kids. he is a wonderful father and husband, I think it comes down to in order to have an intimate relationship it takes time effort adn work and it is much easier and quicker to "go it alone". I don't know. we will make it through and do fine. I just need some support and thank you all.
Feona, there are a lot of things that are considered "normal" these days that arent necessarily right. Just thought i'd add that thought in. 
I don't think that he is an addict or has a fetish. People who have fetishes prefer that item to normal relations and some cannot climax without it. From your post it does not sound like this is the case.
I think that you should attend counseling as a couple because it sounds like there is much more underlying this than him looking at porn. It seems that there are issues of insecurity, distrust and disrespect at the root of the problem.
I was wondering if there is a free download somewhere to block ALL •••• site on our computer. Need answer ASAP
Have you tried a google search?? I'm unfamiliar with software of that type.
Don't know if there is anything free, but here is a web page listing a variety of blocking softwares. Mostly they are "parental guidance" software.
However, be aware that whatever software you install, anyone who wants to badly enough can probably find a way around it. If you are the "administrator" for your computer, are you going to deny your dh your "administrator" password?
well dh has been to some sites, I found out on History, and caught him red handed so he admitted, and said he wouldn't do it again, I went nuts on him, when I saw him, to make it worst the computer is in our livingrm, and our girls are playing just right there, I was MAD !! I'k like to block, or do something.....he's not to computer literite, so whatever I can do, may keep him out of thoses sites, it's almost like getting this child to stay away from something. Men are so strange.....
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