Angry Vent at DH !!!!!
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Angry Vent at DH !!!!!
I have just spent 4 days with a terrible flu. I also now have a clogged milk duct in my breast that I can't seem to massage out(it is quickly on the way to being bad enough that I will probably be on antbiotics).
Dh is on one of those guys who is a wimp when he is sick and expects the world to stop for him. When I am sick though, I am expected to still do everything I normally do without complaint.
Last night was the worst day. I had a high fever and body aches,and chills...I was lying on the couch and he comes up and goes.."what are we doing for supper?"...(translation: what are YOU making for supper?)
I said I was too sick to cook and couldn't eat anyways.... he didn't say anything, but I could see his jaw moving.....he wanted to say something. I guess he thought I could drag myself off the couch and somehow cook him a meal....
he ordered pizza and wouldn't look at me or say a word. On his way out to pick it up he suddenly turns and FREAKS out on me..yelling.."WHY DON"T YOU CALL ONE OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TO COME OVER HERE TO HELP YOU?"...
I quietly said..."Because that's what I have you for." 
I know he works very hard(9 hour days as a welder).. but I work hard too(a 4 year old,a 2 month old, and an older lady with Down Syndrome).
If I was blind and had two broken legs I would crawl around the house helping him if he was sick.
If I was lying on the ground with my arms cut off he would ask me "what are we doing for dinner?"
He thinks that my sisters or mom will just drop everything to come to my house and cook and take care of me and the baby while he lies around watching tv....
They all have busy lives and are tired after work. I would feel very embarassed to ask one of them to come over to help me while Dh is sitting around watching.....
Part of the problem is cultural(he is from Brazil).Part is the stress of a tough job and a new baby. Part I think is a bit of depression on his part that he will not admit to.
I hate for my sons to witness the way he treats me. But I don't want to leave him or anything like that.I just want him to be more caring I guess. OOps- have to end this now, he is coming downstairs.....just had to vent...thanks...
fiona
Sorry you're having such a rough day. If he's always like this, what about some counseling to enlighten him? I wouldn't want my kids to witness that either. Hope you feel better!!!
That sounds a lot like my dad. I know how you feel... you feel like kicking is butt, no? Does he work 7 days a week? Does he ever have to take care of the kids ALL day...no help from you? It might be nice for him to do that when you stop breastfeeding. My husband has helped SO much with our newborn. His dad basically raised him (his mom traveled a lot), so he witnessed the father cooking, taking care of the kids, etc. I hate to say it, but your sons need to see him cook and do things that are related more towards the "modern" man, if you will.
I know he works hard all day, but if you're sick like that, he needs to have at least some empathy. Can he cook? He could put something together in a half hour.
I read this to my husband and he feels for you...there ARE men out there who work hard all day and then come home and cook. And, you're right, you shouldn't have to rely on family to take care of you...you did the right thing in telling him that that's what HE IS FOR!!!
{{HUGS}}
Thanks Karen. Hope I didn't sound too crazy! LOL. I was one handed typing with a baby on my lap and couldn't totally express myself.
Yes, counselling has been on my mind for some time. He is totally against it(thinks it is a crock, we shouldn't be airing our dirty laundry out in public etc.)
I might just have to go myself to see why I 'let myself' be treated this way.
He has major anger issues as well(has never ever hit me or been violent in any way, never even called me a name).....he blows up like crazy over little things and yells and screams...
We have been together for 8 years and the first 4 years he was AWESOME!!!! But as soon as I got pregnant(yes, it was planned) he just changed and got stressed and angry.
His anger actually abated when Eliah was about 3. But as soon as I got pregnant and got morning sickness it started again..
It seems like it has to do with dealing with pregancy and babies and having no time.
Any other time he is great. He is funny, nice, has a lot of friends,loves his kids and is a pretty good dad..
But I hate the fact that Eliah and Kiko are watching their dad treat me badly. I don't want them to grow up and treat their wives this way.
Dh's dad was very abusive towards his mom when he was growing up. His dad died when he was 15 so there was no forgiveness or closure for him. He still hates his dad and vows that he will never be like him. What he doesn't understand is that without hitting or name-calling, he is a bit like his dad......
Sometimes the energy of excessive anger is just like hitting(maybe worse).....
fiona
I am sorry you had to go through that. I wouldn't want my kids to see it, either.
I am trying to remember where I saw it....might have been on the Oprah Winfrey show when the Dad was left alone with the kids for the day, he realized how hard the job actually is!!!!
As far as your clog-and I am sure you probably already know this-have you tried a hot, steamy, shower? or a heating pad? If you think of it, you might make an appointment to go see your doc. Monday. I don't mean to wish any ill on you, but our house came down with a "hard" cold in July and it turned into sinus infections. We were all on antibiotics for a week. If you are usually sick and still "up and at 'em!" and this time you are sick and laying down, you might need a doc. to "kick out those germs!"
My husband NEVER uses his sick days, even when he is sick, so if he ever says, "I can't...." (fill in the blank) "...I'm too sick..." I call our doc. and make him an appointment. For some folks (like you and my dh) when they're on the couch, it means they're REAAAALLLLYYYY sick!
Hope you feel better soon. It's Saturday, maybe tomorrow, when he's more rested, your dh will realize you need his help. Hope you feel better soon. AJ
You've posted similar posts about him before. I really think you should go to counseling even if he won't go with you. I do think some of it is probably cultural (i.e., "macho" is a Spanish word), but there is more to it than that it seems. Hope you guys can work things out.
Also, re: clogged milk duct. I got them all of the time with my 2nd son. As awkward as it is and as goofy as you will feel...try this (read it in a breastfeeding book). Lay the baby on his back on the floor or bed. Get over him on all 4s and let your clogged breast fall into his mouth. The power of his suck plus gravity will help clear the duct. I know it feels crazy, but it really did work for me! 
Clogged milk duct:
If you can nurse with baby on bed and you facing down on top. Don't lay on the baby. Just on your knees and elbows. That might help unclog the milk duct. - Gravity. I did this once and it fixed it.
Nurse more often.
Had it many times. more on inflamed and clogged milk duct.
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babybreastfeed/8494.html
Fiona,
Hugs to you. You have every right to be upset. We expect things of our husbands sometimes that they just can't give. We keep expecting and they keep failing to deliver and we get caught in an awful cycle.
Have you just tried sitting with him and talking about the situation? Something like, I'm a hardworking wife and mother, and I know you work hard too,but when I'm sick I really need you to be able to take care of yourself and hel out with the kids.
Ask him when his last day off was and then try and make him see that your last day off was the day your first child was born.
Talking to him may not change his behavior, but it may make you feel better to get it out in the open.
Hoping you feel better.
Ame
((Fiona)) I hope today is a better day for you. You've gotten some great advice. I think the hardest thing is taking the first step. Do it for yourself and your sons. Best of luck to you.
(((((hugs))))))
I hope you are feeling better.
Great advice above!
Thinking about you. Great advice above. No need to say more
Can you hire regular household help? A full time housekeeper? Maybe someone from Brazil he knows who wants to move to the USA?
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