*WARNING: THIS IS A VENT*
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2004:
*WARNING: THIS IS A VENT*
We are adjusting to "public school" life. Now, please let me say that these are my issues, I am tired and I figured this is a safe place to "get it out". Our school is a "good" school as far as public schools go....I am not really ranting against school...I guess I am ranting against change....
I am sooooo tired.
Until now, we have been a homeschooling family. I have really, really, enjoyed homeschooling. And we are busy, but we are busy on our terms. I make the schedule, goals, lesson plans, outings etc. I usually have a group of homeschooling Moms to assoicate with...which I still do....they are my friends but it is quickly becoming clear to me that we just don't have as much in common, (it is a HOMESCHOOLING group) duh. (duh to me, not you) Now, I am still welcome but it is obvious that there is just "not as much there" because my oldest child is in public school now.
Not only that--but oh my goodness--the adjustment from homeschooing to public schooling has been sooo hard! Our family now gets up at 6am instead of 7:30 am. My child is living on sandwiches, goldfish, applesauce and fat free choc. pudding because she doesn't like school lunches. Breakfast is cereal and milk. NOT that these things are bad, I am not putting down this life choice. I am just saying it is sooo different. I am used to making breakfast and sitting down with my kids and eating it while we "plan our day". Planning cirriculum myself watching their eyes light up as they learn, it is really different to have my child come home with a backpack (a new and I am learning essential part of our family) and empty the backpack to discover homework, spelling words, invitations (politely worded mommy-kidnap letters) to volunteer and opportunities to write large checks made out to the school system. Not only that, but once my daughter comes home, she is exhausted, so she has a snack and then a nap, when she wakes we go over forms and homework (about an hour) then she gets her supper, bathes and goes to bed. I feel like I never see her. But this is probably because I am used to having her with me all day.
I still have my four year old at home with me and she is a joy. She is learning to read. And she is learning her AT words, (BAT CAT MAT, etc) and she is learning "finger tip" addition and subtraction and it is fun but now that she sees "big sister" going to public school she wants to go to and she'll be five, old enough to enter kindergarten next year. I don't know if I'll send her or homeschool her another year. It seems unfair to make her stay home next year while "big sis" gets to go off to school.
I guess it is just a combination of culture shock, "sticker shock", and missing my child.
I find myself at loose ends. I can't seem to get "on schedule" the laundry is piling up, I have some unreturned phone calls, my sleeping patterns are all weird, it seems like public school has taken over our lives and our check book!
I keep telling myself it has only been five weeks, we will adjust, millions of families all over America are dealing with and some parents even look forward to it. I guess I am also a little disappointed because I thought of this time as a time "for me" since I have one child in public school I thought maybe I could use some of the "free time" to do other things but I have been homeschooling so long that I did not realize that my kids take up so much of my time and opportunities.
Maybe I need a hobby, or a part time job or something. I don't know. I am really enjoying this time with my younger child but she likes her "space" too (like now, she wants to watch "Piglet's Big Movie"). So I am typing ( and whining).
I just feel so lost. How do all of you do this?
I keep picturing the lady in the commercial at "back to school" time dancing in the school supply aisle to "It's the most wonderful time of the year" (the joke is she is happy that her kids are going back to school) I thought I would be happy, too. I thought I would enjoy having some more "me" time but I just feel like crying.
I feel like such a "weirdo". I just can't seem to adjust. What is WRONG with me? I am 40, maybe I am having a midlife crisis or something......anyway, thanks for listening to me. (reading) Any thoughts?
"Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.....(and my daughter).....AJ
AJ
Can I ask why you stopped homeschooling?
We sent our oldest to public schools (not that there's anything wrong with public schools, dh works as a behavior specialist at a public school).
However, our oldest had a language/speech delayment and it wasn't working. I was working full time and found a wonderful private school (less than 20 students). Two go to it and Alyssa will go in another 2 years. They do wonderfully and get on the high honor roll constantly. But they can learn at their own pace, so if they don't understand something they can stop and put more 'time' into it.
The school is from M-Th and homeschooling is on Fridays. I really love it and so do they. I miss them M-Th, but we are extremely close and we have 3 girls.
Are you having second thoughts? Maybe you just do need to 'get into the swing of things." Meet some moms and children from the public school, etc.
Good luck!
Yes. You may ask.
There were several reasons:
1. My daughter wanted to attend.
2. I thought I would enjoy having more "me" time.
3. I wanted to spend some more "one on one" time with my younger child.
I am really having trouble adjusting. AJ
(((AJ))) It'll get better
(((hugs)))
I guess I'm still in the "newlywed" stage of school. I have a first grader and one in kindergarten. (public school)
I love to pick them up from school and bring them home to see what kinds of things they have in their backpacks. It's great to hear about what they did at school, who they played with at recess and what they learned that day.
Our school hasn't ever asked for any donations or supplies.
Maybe *I'm* the weird one LOL I'm sure within a couple years it will be more of a chore than a joy?? But for now, it's quite exciting for me to see them being so grown up!
I would say....hang in there! Maybe schedule out your day so that it is still structured for the first little while.
Is your DD enjoying public school?
It really sounds like you are going through a major period of adjustment right now. You'll get through it one day at a time. I went through it in the reverse.
Before I became an at home mom, I was an elementary school teacher. I was used to following someone else's schedule, having a set routine, etc.
When I had my baby, I felt lost! I had some major mind shifting to do. I went through a period of anger and mourning for my old life and then came acceptance and finally change!
Your daughter will experience new and wonderful things, as well as some you'd rather she didn't, and you'll get to share in them.
As far as "me" time, I don't see how you'll have any more of that than you would have since you still have a little one at home - so don't look for me time.
I can only offer some sympathy and this piece of advice. Stop thinking about what was and make up your mind to plan for and deal with things as they are now.
Financially, just because the school sends home "requests" for money, you don't have to send them anything you can't afford.
I got some sticker shock of my own at my son's preschool orientation last night. Almost $200 a month tuition, plus snacks and T-shirts and fundraisers and other extras! And this is for 3 mornings a week (2 hr sessions)! But, I'm doing this because I really feel it is best for him. He needs the stimulation and variety of a group environment.
So feel better, and good luck.
Ame
Let me just say that you are not alone. I too really miss my kids and truly look forward to summers. This year in particular has been harder for me because even the school doesn't need me as much So how do I fill my time...volunteer. I am a girl scout leader, this means I get to spend special time with my daughter and get to plan a few fun things to do, just the girls. I am on the PTA which means I am at the school more. I also go have lunch with my children, I try to have lunch once a month with each of them. And even more important than all those things I found some ME stuff. I play tennis, a lot. This is the first thing in the past 10 years that I do truly for me, there is no benefit for the kids, just a happy mom. I scrapbook and stamp too, but I feel like those are kid led activities. Anyway, I too just feel like we are getting back in the groove. I hate school, but know that HS isn't for me, I don't feel like I would do an adequate job. Anyway, hang in there, it does get better, you will eventually handle it all better, of course getting up at 6 am will never be easy
I really identify with your vent and I've never homeschooled! Public school (and most private schools) take up a lot of time!! I think starting school before 8 a.m. (or even 8:30) is way too dang early! It goes against many folks' natural tendencies and circadian rhythms.
When my son was in public school I was frustrated by these notes coming home, "Please send child with _______ tomorrow." Ugh - drop everything for a trip to the grocery store, trip to the ATM, trip to the craft store. Or these notes, "Please have child wear a ________ tomorrow." And we don't have a western vest/sports jersey/footie PJs/brown turtle neck/or suit to dress up like Abe Lincoln. It was insane and it wasn't just my son's school.
But, I do think it's worse at the "top" public schools, the upper middle class suburban school where there are so many over achievers. I have friends who teach at or whose kids attend lower income schools and they don't get all this - bring this, send that, stuff because they know they'll never get it. Makes me jealous.
My son is in a private school now that doesn't do all this stuff. It's much more controlled and the school day doesn't start until 8:35. I also don't do all these extra-curricular activities on top of school. My son does chess club one day after school which costs $210 for the year and that's all he does. He has friends who play soccer, football, baseball and take swim lessons and piano lessons and do Destination Imagination and that is all too much for our family. I mean school is bad and then the extras make it worse! These are just things to take you away from your family.
Also, I'm 41 and I entered peri-menopause around 40. Have you looked into that? It can really do a number on you in every way possible.
You're not alone. {{{HUGS}}} More so for you in your situation, but it certainly is an adjustment for the entire family when school starts. My two just started back to school this week (Gr. 1 & Gr. 3) and after being laid back all summer it's a challenge to get back into the school routine. Hang in there! It'll take time but things will fall into place.
I'm also 40, and like Amecmom, I used to teach. It was a BIG adjustment going from teaching to becoming a SAHM and now I'm back to the school schedule again. LOL! Even though both my kids are in school I'm still pretty busy. I'm an active school volunteer and also a Child Passenger Safety Technician. When I do have FREE time I attend Jazzercise classes, run errands, go grocery shopping or tackle a project around the house. This morning I cleaned out our basement. Woo hoo! LOL!
Thank you all. Really, some great points. Mommmie cracked me up with the points about "dropping everything" to go and pick up the "whatever" from the school note and the suit so the kid can dress up like Abraham Lincoln. (I am not laughing at you, but with you) sounds like us and "barter" day!!! And, yes, we are going to make a "Dollar General" run to buy stuff to "barter". Maybe I should pick up a fake bread and a black top hat (just to be safe). :-) My daughter loves public school. She likes the socializing. Now, she was socialized as a homeschooler too. We belong to a homeschool group and she had many friends there but I guess it is not the same as having a set time, set place, same people.She gets up and goes, loves it. I am the one whining about it.
Another good point was since I have a four year old at home it is kind of silly to look for "me" time. I guess I just thought that with the older one going off to school, I would have more time for "me" stuff. But that's a good point. I still have a four year old at home who needs her Mom.
And I like "Stop thinking about what was and plan for and deal with now." I may put that on my bulletin board for a few days.
And thanks for the hugs, I think one of the things I will do is go see my doctor. Maybe my hormones are out of whack or something.
Volunteering, jazzercise (I am 100 pounds overweight) I need to develop some type of physical fitness/diet plan and this might be a good time to do that, etc. Maybe I just need to fill up my time.
Thanks for the suggestions and for listening (reading) I appreciate it. It really does help to know I am not alone and that I have the cyberhugs.
I just did not count on feeling so tired and weepy and depressed. Low energy, etc. Maybe I need to make a list or something. Get more focused. Anyway---thanks. Really, thank you. AJ
I think you could go to the home school meetings still. You are home schooling the four year old...
Sounds very normal to me. Very big change. I would go swimming at the ymca every day or go work out for a hour a day. Or go for a hour walk every day. Maybe find a health club with a baby sitter. Or put the four year old in the baby carriage and push away!
Do something fun with the four year old. Maybe 15 minutes of tennis? Hit the ball against the wall with a tennis racket. DS can almost do that. I saw cheap tennis rackets at amazon. Like 25 dollars. They have junior rackets cheap too.
They say exercise is very good for the mood. Even studies show that depressed people can use less medicine or no medicine if they exercise. Start slow!
It will help you with your mood. It works for me! Huge change! Huge Hug!
Sounds you need to make a new friends. Try taking a class like art or tennis or something you always wanted to do but never had the time to do. How about library book club?
Skip the laundry. Who cares!
Maybe get up at 6 am and go swimming every day. Before everyone else is up! I think the exercise will help.
Audrey, you are awesome. What a sacrifice you are making so your oldest is happy. You are the ultimate mom, no? It's so obvious that you just really really really miss her! Mothers make sacrifices all the time...it's so hard to balance it all...it just doesn't happen. Something is always sacrificed, even though we try not to let that happen because we are SUPER-MOMMIES!!!
It's time that you really listen to yourself and what God wants for you. You are right...you need "ME" time. You have said (basically) that your health has been sacrificed...like 99% of all mommies...
Recently, I got tired of the conversations I was having with myself...do you have these?...
"Should I eat this?" "Yeah, I deserve it. I'm tired."
Or "I need this" OR "This tastes good."
"Should I workout today?" "No, it's humid. I'll do it later." OR "I don't have time. I'm sure I'll do it later."
I've just recently got tired of "convincing" myself that cheesecake is worth it!!! Do you even remember what you ate day before yesterday? I know I don't remember. Do you remember what you looked like day before yesterday? Yup. Me too.
I'm sure you're educated on what's healthy and what is not. I've said this on this website before and I swear by it...the book "Body for Life" by Bill Phillips. It changed the way I look at my life...and, I have new inspiration...my new 10 week old son.
To be honest, and this is ONLY my opinion so don't throw anything at me...I think it's selfish of me not to be as attractive as I possibly can to my husband. Nor do I want to embarrass my son. In fact, I wear a bracelet that reminds me that I need to stay healthy because my son needs me. And, that's inspiration enough.
My mom did not take care of herself and now she is not able to help me with my own child. I always dreamed of "grandma" coming over and playing with my children. She's had 5 strokes and I can barely understand her over the phone. It broke my heart that she couldn't be there for the delivery. I love her with every inch of my being, but I feel "jipped", if you will. Her sacrifice was her health, but it didn't have to be that way.
I've got some weight to lose to get back into my pre-pregnancy weight and it's HARD! The book helps though because he says it's ok to be "good" for 6 days and then on the 7th day...eat whatever and do whatever. How cool is that?
We all need support too...AND accountability. Have someone hold you accountable and that will help as well. I'm rambling now...got to go tend to the little one.
But, don't forget that something always gets sacrificed...if it means that you'll spend a 1/2 hour less with your little one in order for you to walk or doing something for yourself...it's ok. No one can replace mommy.
I won't throw anything at you.
I promise :-)
Thanks for the ideas about exercise, you know, I just haven't made time to look at "me" lately. And you are right. Exercise probably would improve my mind and help me feel better. We have a trampoline in the back yard for the "kids" maybe tomorrow I will go jump on it. (The kids would LOVE that!) Also, Mrs. Heidi, I DO have those conversations with myself and I read one book ( I can't remember the name ) but it was a Christian book and the author pointed out that in American culture we tend to think "we deserve" and "we are entitled" because we are tired, etc. I just never related it to food! Good point! I wrote down the name of the book you suggested AND I love the bracelet idea. Maybe in two weeks when we have a paycheck come in, I will go buy myself a bracelet, maybe with a heart, to remind me that obesity leads to heart problems and a symbol to "love" myself. Thanks for the ideas and the support. This has been such a rough, tough day for me. I cried a lot today. But not in front of my kids, I don't want my daughter to think that if she goes to school, Mommy will cry. Not a great message. I just tell her that I miss her but I know we'll see her at 2PM and I smile. I am hoping tomorrow will be better. AJ
Jump on the trampoline? Well, at least you have bladder control and that's more than a lot of is can say.
Audrey, I understand the missing your child while they are at school. My problem, as you read on my post is, my son doesn't seem to miss me! We went to his open house last night and I saw how he looks at his teacher. He looks at her with such admiration, the way he use to look at me. I guess this is the beginning of other women in his life. Today he blew me off at school when I came to have lunch with him. After school he went to his room and put on head phones and listened to music. He's in first grade! What will the teenage years be like? I miss him so much during the day and can't wait for him to come home. When he does, he doesn't seem to have missed me at all. Okay, I'm over my pitty party now.
Laura....That cracked me up!
Audrey...I think you received some great ideas. Hugs to you for wanting the best for you and the kids.
Could you volunteer at the school as a tutor?
When my 15yo dd was in 4th grade, she had a field trip coming at the old-time schoolhouse. They wanted kids to dress the part. So, late on a Friday evening (the one before the Thursday of her trip!), I'm at Walmart buying a pattern and some material to make her an old-time dress. Seems a different class had already gone and one girl had a neat dress. I got the dress and a bonnet sewed that week! Wasn't that hard of a pattern, really, although not as fitted a dress as a prairie, pioneer dress would have been, but I didn't have that much time. So, she wore it for that field trip, to Thanksgiving, and one time for Halloween. Then her sister wore it our friend's dd wore it, for the same 4th grade field trip. (When my friend's daughter went, I even made a loaf of homemade bread for it, so she could use it for her sandwich! Her mom doesn't ever bake bread!)
Then my niece had an anniversary at her school, and they wanted the kids to dress up. So, I sent the dress to my sister. Then another time, Stacy needed it and we shipped it again. I think my other niece wore it once, too! It has certainly made the rounds! It was worth the inital effort to sew the dress!
Close-up of Sarah's dress
View of whole dress
My homeschooling friend, also disliked the schedule of the regular school. She liked doing things more on her own schedule, too. Her kids are in a private school at the moment. She hasn't homeschooled in a while, since she likes their school. It uses the "direct instruction" method, which she likes.
My neighbors two oldest children started public school this year and she is going through the same thing, no you are not strange. Even for us non-homeschoolers it is a difficult transition. Hang in there.
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I AM LISTENING......
Hey. Sometimes (when I am in a better frame of mind) folks ask me for help but then I never hear how things turned out. Makes me a little nuts.
Now--this is just a "first step". I am still deciding about exercise, books, bracelets, volunteerism, etc. Plus, today is Saturday and I have both my kids with me. Monday might be another story......
Anyway, there is a lady at my church who is very sweet, SAHM until her children were grown, both kids are adults, one an entrepeneur one a teacher....anyway, she and I are friends and she is willing to have a one-one-one accountablity meeting with me once a week. She says it may help me focus and she volunteered to do it. (Wasn't that incredibly nice? to give up an hour of her time once a week?) Anyway, we are going to meet somewhere cheerful (there is a little coffee/health food type of place close by) I am hoping these meetings with her will help me also.
I am still going to look for books and bracelets and exercise and volunteer, great suggestions. But those things will take time and money and frankly, I am sick of being miserable. I am afraid I am impaitient and I want to take a step now. As the Bible says,"Strike while the iron is hot" while I am willing......AJ
Audrey, I'm done reading the book and I want to mail it to you. Please email me your snail mail address! :-)
heidihenkel@hotmail.com
PS- I was already thinking about who I could mail this book to since it changed the way I view my life! Impeccable timing!!
Thanks. I'll do that. AJ
Audrey,
I just wanted to say that... I think you sound like SUCH A WONDERFUL MOTHER/PERSON.
I wish I lived closer to you & we could go for walks together.
Um, Dawn....you sounded shocked that a mother had never baked bread....Do most women bake bread? I'm merely curious as it's been my experience that the shocker would be that someone HAD baked homemade bread, not that someone HADN'T. You truly have me curious!
Good luck Audrey, you sound like a great mom!
Robyn, my daughters and I did a whole unit on Cananda last year. We learned a lot. Covered "the big piture" and I tried to "strike" things the children would find interesting. I notied you are in Quebec? Are you fluent in French? We also studied about the rodeo in Calgary and the Cat Sancutary beside the house of government. The kids were fascinated. If you want to give me your email address, I would be willing to email you, if you would like.......if you are apprehensive (this is the internet after all) I understand, no hard feelings. AJ
The dress is gorgeous. I like the choice of green for the color, Dawn 777.And it was a good investment as well.
Heidi-got your email, eye on the mailbox! (LOL)
I went to church this morning (goes without saying around here) but there was only one baby in the nursery so I got to go into the service, much different from hearing it on the PA system! It was nice to get to "be there" for a change. Tomorrow starts a new week.....here we go.....AJ
I'm with you Kate. I've baked bread twice in my life (after we got a bread machine as a wedding present). I've never baked bread since becoming a mom. I don't see myself doing it any time soon ...
Ame
No, not shocked. I was just stating a fact. My friend Edie, just doesn't bake bread from scratch. I don't think she ever has. I just did it as a favor for her daughter when she had that field trip.
I was so busy working over the summer that I can't remember the last time I made homemade bread for my family, for that matter! I should make some soon. I know my homemade bread is so much better than the store-bought stuff.
Thanks, Audrey, it was fun sewing that dress. I got the dress and the bonnet done by the day of the field trip and got the pinafore done by Thanksgiving. She went in November. I'm glad the dress has been used so many times!
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