Graphic-TMI How do I get dh to be more passionate during sex?
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Graphic-TMI How do I get dh to be more passionate during sex?
Sorry, I know this is very personal and graphic that's why I using the anonymous feature. I really need some help though. My dh and I have been married for a few years, and he has never been a passionate lover...ever. I'm always the one who initiates and is, shall I say, more active. I have to ask him to do everything specifically if I want it done, and usually he says he's not good it or feels weird. I'm not talking any weird stuff either, just your run of the mill foreplay. Then during intercourse he just lays there like it was midday in a stupid planetarium or something. We both climax in the end, so that's not the problem. I just really want him to participate more and show me he's really excited and happy to be with me. I've tried lingerie...doesn't do anything. Both of us are against toys, so that's not an option. I've talked to him about it more than a handful of times, and he says that just isn't him, but that's what I need. What do I do? We're going to be married and lovers for the rest of our lives. I don't want it to be this way forever. By the way...we ARE very happily married and never had sex with each other before we got married. Actually we only kissed after we were engaged for 7mths. I don't know if this info helps, but it can't hurt.
Thanks, wife of passive husband
I'm by no means a sex therapist, but from what I'm reading here, it sounds as though your dh has some barriers that he is unwilling or unable to cross at this time. Have you ever sat down with him to talk about your sex life at a time when you're not about to have sex, etc.? It might be embarassing at first, but I truly believe that you need to clear the air with him, or you'll begin to resent him for it, even subconsciously.
Use the conversation technique of avoiding the word 'you' in the accusatory form. Instead of 'You never touch me this way', say 'I would really love it if you would touch me this way.'
I wish you luck - work at it....it's certainly worth it!
Hi Kay! Thanks for replying. Yes, I have talked to him about it several times not when we are about to bc that would seriously ruin the mood =). He justs keeps saying he feels weird, and I mean doing anything. I have to do everything.
Does he ever initiate sex? Really hate to ask this too...is being overweight an issue for either one of you? Sometimes I don't "feel" sexy if I've gained some weight. Same with the DH.
Also, does he view sex as "dirty"? You might want to pry into how he grew up and how his parents were. Did they talk about sex? Was it considered "bad"?
Please answer all questions if you can...
I'm not overweight at all. I have an athletic build with a decent figure. My husband looks great to me, but he complains about feeling fat. He's 5'6" and weighs around 162. He never initiates, and I really don't think he thinks its dirty unless you're not married. I'm sure his parents never talked about it. They now sleep in seperate bedrooms. Hope this helps.
Okay, here we go, three anonymous people posting!
But I have to protect privacy with this one. I have a relative whose parents did not have a happy marriage, they grew up in the later 50's and 60's. Anyway, at that time, divorce in the Southern Baptist Church was not an option. The family resided in a three bedroom house. So, the parents each had a room and the two sons shared a bedroom. Well, come to find out, the two sons shared a bedroom until the older son was 22 years old and married and moved out of the home! The family resided in this small three bedroom home for 30 years so the sons shared a room from preschool until adulthood. So the husband was a grown man before he ever even had his own room!
Also, there was no lock on the bathroom door, and the telephone was kept in the middle of the living room, so no privacy with phone calls either. Now, we can all imagine without graphic details what it would be like for a young man to grow up in all areas, physical and sexual ....with no private space to explore these....ummmm....personal areas...as well as NEVER have any privacy! Then to marry and WHAM!!! He is sharing a room, all right! Not with his brother but with his WIFE! The wife is a close friend of mine and she has shared that the husband does not initiate sex and is not overtly sexual like most men. Wanting to remain a virgin until she married, the woman found this trait honorable but after marriage discovered that the man was not only shy, he was totally clueless and very inhibited. They have been married 24 years and they have two teen age sons but they still, to this day, have intimacy issues. The wife says she and her husband have tried Christian counseling and some Christian books and they have helped. After all, marriage is for sex, partly. How do you think we fill up the churches with all those kids? (wicked grin)
Anyway, the wife says she finally just accepted the role (24 years later) of initiator and now that she has, she feels more free to explore new areas in intimacy. But she still, to this day, says that the example of separate bedrooms in his childhood home combined with a strict religious (not necessarily spiritually healthy) background and sharing a room with his brother all his life, growing up (no privacy) taught him to inhibit his sex drive and he is just very repressed in this area.
But she also stated that once she "stopped fighting it" and just accepted the role of "instigator" she has more of a good time because she figures "why not?" If he likes to be led, then LEAD HIM, (hopefully into the bedroom.......:-)
Men do not do what we need or want naturally. We have to be very specific with them. I remember in my first year of marriage I had my own ideas of how things should go in the area and was very disappointed to find out that it didn't automatically go that way. One thing I have found is to teach my husband how to love me outside of the bedroom and things seem to improve in the bedroom. I would have to guess that sex issues and intimacy is not necessarily the same thing. I am not sure how to say this but I will give it a go. Don't focus on bedroom issues at all. Try reading some relationship books and learning to talk and communicate and spend itme together outside of sex and you will naturally feel closer. Someone told me that and I thought that we did do all those things that we always have so much fun but to have someone "know" you and everything inside of you good and bad and then trust the person with those things really fosters some passionate feelings and I think will help.
recommended reading
The five love languages
how to get your husband to talk to you
every womans desire (for him)
Hope it helps and I have btdt
It sounds to me like he's just very inhibited and possibly not very comfortable with his sexuality. Is it possible he had a previous embarrassing or humuliating experience before you? You mentioned you didn't have sex with each other before marriage, but did he have any sexual experiences with anyone else in his past?
Whatever you do, don't give up on having a loving, sexual relationship with him. Keep encouraging him, and make sure he really understands that you are not judging him for inexperience at a certain sexual act.
Possibly he just feels the need to *maintain control of himself*, so to speak, and he's just not allowing himself to fully *lose* himself in it. You'd be surprised at how many people feel self conscious and have trouble just letting go - they're afraid they will *look* silly, or sound funny, or something.
Kay gave some good advice above, I really don't have any great advice except don't give up!!
Okay, first of all Anon 3...Southern Baptists are not sexually repressed as a whole (I should know, I am one...and married to a VERY unrepressed SBC minister  ) and divorce has never been "banned" in S. Baptist churches. It was very much looked down upon in all mainline Christian denominations in the the 50s and 60s--and probably looked down by secular society as a whole during that time. Just wanted to clarify that a little. I know you meant nothing offensive. Also, that family you described seems very spiritually and otherwise dysfunctional period.
On to the original anon... I think there may be several things at play here. First of all, your DH needs to have his testosterone level checked. One of my co-workers complained that her DH had no sex drive. She finally got him to go to the doctor and his testosterone was in the single digits and is supposed to be in the 1000s I think. Anyway, they found that he has a benign pituitary tumor and he now gets regular hormone injections. So...don't rule out medical issues.
Also, if you were both virgins when you married...you had all those years of putting on the brakes and saying "no, wait, stop" once you got heated up. I know, BTDT. DH and I dated exclusively for 6 years before we married and we both were virgins on our wedding night. It is sometimes hard to shift gears into..."wait we don't have to slow down---we can enjoy!!" As Karen mentioned he may also be scared to lose himself in the moment, but until he does, and gives himself permission to enjoy sex it probably won't be stellar.
I would STRONGLY suggest the book, "The Celebration of Sex" by Dr. Douglas Rosenau. I have mentioned it on here several times. It is now our standard wedding gift to people we know really well. Read the reviews on Amazon to see more about it. It has chapters on everything---how the man should sexually love the woman and vice versa, how to deal with body image, how to fantasize, different techniques and positions, the messiness and silliness of sex (noises, contorted positions, smells) etc. and it is written from a Christian perspective. It talks about how sex is a gift from God and is created for mutual enjoyment and NOT just procreation.
If all else fails---Dr. check-up and reading this book or others, then I would suggest marriage and/or sex therapy. Sex and money are the 2 main reasons that people divorce, so this isn't an issue that you should sit back and say "this is my lot in life" or "he's so great in every other way." That may very well be, but sex is important cement for the marital relationship. It is the greatest intimacy that can exist between 2 people and it is the ultimate "I love you, I accept you, I trust you, and I can be vulnerable with you." It is a picture of giving and receiving. Right now, your DH is a begrudging recipient, but not a giver at all. The book I mentioned also discusses how you have to have times during sex when you are somewhat selfish (obviously not always) and focus solely on your pleasure so you can enjoy it to its fullest. There is also immense joy in knowing you are bringing pleasure to your spouse like no one else can. Not just solely from the physical "maneuvers" but because of the intimate history and friendship you share. Your husband is cheating you out of that joy, inadvertently.
I really hope you will continue to work on this and get him to see how important it is that you don't accept this current state as status quo. You surely don't want to belittle or embarrass him into taking this seriously, but maybe another heart-to-heart will help. I hope you guys can overcome this!!!
is this still open
Hi this is the original anonymous! I wanted to say that neither one of us were virgins when we got married, but then we got saved and promised we wouldn't anymore. So...we never did anything with each other before we got married. I should also say that we are TTC our second right now. We have to be on fertility drugs (clomid) and the past two nights he has run a fever, but we had to anyway bc I was ovulating. He really hurt my feelings a lot right before bc I couldn't kiss him bc I can't get sick since I have to take care of our dd. Anyway what he said was that it was very difficult for him to get "excited" without being able to kiss me. Now realize that he said this with me naked right beside him in bed. I know that it is sweet that he likes kissing me, but what about the rest of me and I'm not talking just physically. What ever happened to the mental and emotional turn on? Am I alone here, or are there more dhs like mine?
Even with you "naked right beside him" I can easily see how he could have a hard time getting aroused for scheduled sex that can't involve kissing. That really kind of takes the mental and emotional turn-on out of the equation since he may very well feel simply used as a "sperm donor" if he can't kiss you but you *have* to sex tonight. I personally think he should get a gold star for running a fever and be willing to give it a go anyway.
That book I suggested earlier has a whole section on how fertility issues and scheduled sex can affect your sex lives. I REALLY, REALLY think you guys would benefit from reading it.
I think things really will get better if you guys are willing to work on it. Hang in there!
My DH likes kisses too.
Just a little funny side note:
One time I didn't want to *do it*, but DH convinced me. I wasn't really too enthused about it. He looked at me half way through and said "Do I get kisses with this lay?" It's been an on going joke for several years now.
I definitely like kisses! Sex is way more fun with kisses, but I understand about not wanting to kiss so you don't get sick! DH and I have resorted to good-bye hugs when one of us has been sick!
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