I'm very angry with my husband...
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I'm very angry with my husband...
I feel like I've been used once again and I'm not sure that I can get over it this time. Dh 'got intimate' with me while I was sleeping last night. I believe he was thinking that he could do what he wanted and I wouldn't wake up. I ALWAYS wake up. I was and am still angry at him. I have told him time and time again that I don't like it, that it makes me feel used and disrespected and that I feel like I can't trust him. He apologizes and after a few days, acts like all is fine. I haven't spoken to him since then and with the way I'm feeling now, I don't want to. 
http://www.wellesley.edu/WCW/mrape.html
Maybe you should make your husband read this. I would also feel very violated & upset. I would make my dh go to counseling, No means No, it doesn't matter if you are married. Is he drunk when he does this? When you wake up do you tell him to get off? I think there is something very wrong. (((HUGS)))
Well, shoot.
I'm sorry, sweetie. I hate it when I'm fighting with my husband.
My husband has a tendency to "ignore" my boundaries or "forget" my rules. Especially when it comes to the kids. The other night, I had firmly put the kids to bed (school night) and he came in and told them they could read a story. Ticked me off and I told him so. And occaisionally, he'll let the kids get away with something and then he'll say "I forgot" because he thinks that's a good excuse to ignore my rules.
When it really starts to "pile up" I just get in the car. Yep, it really makes him mad, too but it gets the point across. A couple of weeks ago, hubby got up in a grumpy mood. It was his day off and we had planned to have a family day but he didn't want to take care of the kids. He was impatient with them and fussing at them. He was just "in a mood." So, when he went to take a shower, I quietly put the kids in the car and drove away. We went to Target and out to lunch, no phone call, no contact, nothing, he got out of the shower and we were gone. **poof** into thin air. That got his attention. I explained to him that since he was so grumpy and didn't seem to want us around, we went and had family day without him and let him see what a day without us would really be like, he shaped up right away.
One more example: One Sunday morning, he woke up grumping at me, I couldn't do anything right that morning, well, it turned out I had volunteered to keep the baby nursery that morning and I didn't have time for him to be a pain and the kids were still asleep, so I just took a quick shower and went to church, leaving him in the bed and the children still asleep. Then, I treated myself to "lunch out" after church and a little shopping. Upon my return, he was quite repentant, asked where I had been and was disapppointed to have missed church. I told him if he wanted to go to church, he could get up and act a little more gracious.
Here's a suggestion:
What if your hubby came home from work and you were not there? No note, no call, nothing. Just silence. Go out and do something for yourself. Be sure to leave before he gets home so you don't have to make a big scene. He won't die if he has to fix his own dinner and be alone for one evening. But be sure when you return and he apologizes to accept his apology. Marriage takes mercy and grace as well as wisdom to survive. Sometimes my husband just needs a reminder that I am here because I want to be and if he can't respect me then he can go it alone. Usually, just a small taste of "the single life" can snap him back into reality. Good luck. AJ
I agree I would be very upset and feel very violated. I don't think that "disappearing" for a day is going to help though, I think he needs some real help. By the sound of your post this isn't the first time, I think he has a problem and needs some counseling. Good luck and big hugs to you.
Here's an idea...wear more clothes to bed. Put on a sports bra, panties, and boxers or pj pants, and a t shirt. With all of that on he's going to have a harder time of getting everything out of the way, and you'll be sure to wake up before it starts. Then tell him no, you don't want to for whatever reason. If he still won't stop, go sleep on the sofa. I don't think leaving would help matters, but if you do need a little air a drive never hurt. Just when you get home tell him why you left and that you feel used and untrusting.God Bless...I really hopes this helps
I'm going to have to agree with Audrey...if he sees that you are going to a 3rd party, this does 1 of 2 things...it shows that you aren't strong enough to create boundaries and/or it might embarass him enough to cause problems in other parts of the relationship and actually hurt more than help. YOU are strong enough to set these boundaries...you can't bring in a psychologist any time you have issues at home.
When he says he's sorry, it means he recognizes he did something wrong. That's a good first step. I personally think counseling is for the times when both of you think you're both right or if someone can't see what they're doing wrong and need a 3rd party to intervene. Or, if there are some psychological issues.
Here's a quote for you:
"We teach people how to treat us." It's up to you to teach him how you want to be treated.
Here's another quote:
"It's a form of insanity to think you'll end up with different results with the same approach." What you've done in the past has not worked.
Which, you have to (in your own way) show him that you mean business...and yes, I do think that you need to do "your thing" for a while to show him so. you know his buttons...do what you think is right and will get the point across without hurting the overall relationship.
if he continues to try to do this next time, simply get up and go to another room to sleep (or, tell him to) and tell him you can't believe he has that much disrespect for you ...or, if you feel there is a deeper problem, then seek counseling.
And, don't forget that, above all, "I'm Sorry" actually means "I won't do it again."
(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Does he do it because its been a while since you've been intimate? Does he do this on a regular basis? How has he responded in the past when you've brought up the subject? Is this something he actually gets a 'thrill' out of? Do you stop him when he thinks you're sleeping or let him finish? Does he actually have intercourse with you or just touching? I want to add my advice but this can go in many directions so I wanted to know more about it before I made assumptions.
But regardless of the reasons, this is a serious talk the two of you need to have. Because in my mind it seems as if its a form of mental rape since he's trying to do it while you're sleeping, even though there is physical contact.
I am confused by this post I guess. My dh and I wake each other up in the middle of the night alot and are intimate. I am so much more relaxed after a couple hours of sleep and it is some of our best intimate moments. I enjoy being with my dh and we dont really have to set up alot of boundaries in the bedroom as we both love to love on each other.
I guess I dont fully understand what your dh is doing? Is he on top of you having sex when you wake up? Or is he rubbing/kissing on you when you wake up? Sorry to be so graphic--just trying to understand better.
Thank you for your responses. He's not drunk or trying to be romantic, he just wants to relieve some stress so he can go back to sleep. He's not trying to wake me up so we can be intimate! He just wants a quickie so he can satisfy himself and go to sleep. We've had the conversation and I've told him before exactly how it makes me feel. He stopped doing it after that, but last night he did it again. I had thought we resolved this a long time ago.
I don't know what good disappearing will do. I don't play games like that - if something is bothering me, I tell him and expect him listen to what I'm saying and respect it. I've been with him far too long to think that leaving without letting him know where I'm going or what I'm doing is going to change anything. I wouldn't want him to do that to me.
I am in the same place as Conni. My husband and I are intimate in the middle of the night (on weekends, he works 3rd all week) and I enjoy it more then than I do other times. Is he just trying to wake you up, or do you wake up and actually catch him "doing the deed" already?
Here's another thought. Men can do this in their sleep, though it doesn't seem that is what he is doing since he apologizes and that. I've read of this in magazines, and my dh actually would wake me up in the middle of the night touching me and such and then fall back to sleep in just a few minutes. Or he would wake up while touching me, and then finish (with my approval and participation of course). And on the day after he had started things and then went back to sleep, he has absolutely no memory of every doing anything. He always remembers if we actually have sex, but if he quietly goes back to sleep, he doesn't remember anything at all.
I hope things work out, I know how miserable it is when things are out of sorts with your husband.
I am just amazed that your husband thinks you could actually sleep through it and he could get away with it. Are you open to doing it in the middle of the night like others have mentioned? If you are maybe you need to make it clear to him that you are okay with him waking you up.Within reason of course, I know I would not want to be woken up every night.
I know this may not be a popular answer but are you okay with him relieving himself without your participation? He could also go that route if he feels he really needs it. Good luck with the talk it sounds like a tough situation to be in. ((HUGS))
My X used to do this to me. Bottom line, I felt like I'd been raped. Our marriage had deteriorated severely at that point and he never showed me any affection, unless he wanted to have sex, and then it was just to satisfy himself. Then he started doing that in the middle of the night. I actually was awakened several times in the night being flipped over.
I tried talking to him about it and in his mind, I was his wife so it was OK. Well, it was NOT OK, and I made sure it stopped - and you can too. It wasn't long after that that I discovered other things about him and I'm convinced he's a sex addict. Not my problem now though, because he's an *X*.
It's YOUR body and no one has the right to force sex on you, no matter who they are.
I just realized that I had such a big piece of advice...my family is known for giving advice without empathy...are all Italians like this?
so, I apologize...here are my heartfelt **HUGS**!! You will get through this, and I totally understand why you are so mad at him. Let us know how you are doing...we are all here for you!
I've had similar instances, my husband groping me while satisfying himself, thinking I was asleep. I made sure he knew how I felt, that it is hurtful and disrespectful, and thankfully he stopped. I think what your husband is doing is horrible, and there are probably underlying issues. I really don't have much advice, just know you are not alone in this, and we are here for you! (((hugs)))
It is very disrespectful. Your body is not a "tool" for him to relieve his stress. This is, in fact, non-consensual sex.
My suggestions to your husband next time he wakes up feeling "stressed" is to first go take a pee, and if that doesn't work, sit down on the john and use his warm hand. That will provide relief. What he is doing is using you as a tool for masturbation and it is in no way related to "making love".
I am appalled and disgusted that you have had these experiences. This is no part of love, honor and cherish. Whether you have willingly had sex with him recently or not is not the issue - the issue is him using your body without your consent.
Mrsheidi wrote:
"I'm going to have to agree with Audrey...if he sees that you are going to a 3rd party, this does 1 of 2 things...it shows that you aren't strong enough to create boundaries and/or it might embarass him enough to cause problems in other parts of the relationship and actually hurt more than help. YOU are strong enough to set these boundaries...you can't bring in a psychologist any time you have issues at home."
I am sorry but this imho is horrible advice even though I am sure you meant well. Asking for help from a trained professional is one of the hardest things a person can do and imho is a sign of strength not weakness.
Op I hope that you can work through this with your husband and I agree with Ginny.
This is from the link I posted above. I did some cut & pasting, so it is not in full context. I just took what I felt was important to this discussion:
Wife Rape is the term used to describe sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will, when the perpetrator (attacker) is the woman's husband or ex-husband.
Sexual acts may be accomplished without a person's consent when the woman is capable of giving consent, but does not give it. Another way sex is accomplished without consent is when a woman is unable to give consent, so that the man doesn't need to use force. For example, if she is under the influence of alcohol or other drugs (including medication), if she is unconscious or asleep, or if she is permanently or temporarily disabled in a way which limits her ability to give consent.
Having sex with a person one time does not "imply" consent to any future sexual acts. According to rape statutes, consent must be a cooperative act of free will.
Sexual acts include but are not limited to penile-vaginal intercourse, the insertion of genitals into the mouth or anus, or the insertion of objects into the vagina or anus.
I also agree with Ginny. Please get some professional help so this stops. I can not even imagine how this makes you feel.
I agree bring in a third party. It does not sound like it is in the range of "normal". Now my dh and I have an agreement and in our relationship we have consensual "quickies". If I am not in the mood and he is then more often than not I say "ok lets just have a quickie". And it is enjoyable for the both of us and one of two things happen. I get in the mood or we both enjoy it in different ways and it is just fine. But this does not sound right. My guess is he has some kind of perversion or addiction or both. I mean in one sense it is normal for a man (and woman) to have tension that needs released and naturally your spouse is the intended place for that to happen, but this ounds weird to say the least.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice, I am one of the weird ones that enjoys being waken up by my husband. I hope everything works out for you.
I agree with the others that this is abberant behavior and I would definitely suggest counseling.
I could copy and paste Karen's post. Same story. Mine x is a sex addict and it had nothing to do with how many times we were intimate or how long it had been. And yes, I DID consent to middle of the night sex sometimes. But no means NO. Yes, this is very much like rape. Especially if you tell him to stop and he doesn't. I agree with professional help.
Ditto Claire. I hope you can work through this. It is very disrespectful to you as a woman.
I never said not to seek professional help if you feel it is warranted.
Anon stated, "I have been used once again....I have told him time and time again I don't like it.....he apologizes after a few days, acts like all is fine.....We've had this conversation and I've told him before...."
Statements like this lead me to believe that this is a recurring issue and a boundary has been stated repeatedly and violated without repentance on the husband's part. "he apologizes after a few days, acts like all is fine...."
I AM NOT, IN ANY WAY, SUGGESTING "PLAYING GAMES"!
I was "soft-pedaling" the enforcement of a boundary because I did not want to "come on too, too strong" in a post. However, since the issue of rape and professional help and sex addiction has come up, I no longer have that reservation.
Please be aware that leaving an unsafe environment and enforcing a boundary to protect your most intimate moments is not playing games. I did not mean to imply a manipulative strategy. The message of an empty house is strong and direct. If this happens again (and I sincerely hope he gets your message this time) I would even go so far as to awaken from the bed, get my already-packed-just-in-case-overnight bag (with some cash included for a hotel room) and walk out the door. Right then. This is not playing games. This is making a statement that you are a mature, valuable woman with valid boundaries who will not accept inappropriate behavior in your own bedroom. I am not suggesting that you leave permanently. I do not know you nor do I know the state of your marriage or whether or not this is irreconciliable. I am suggesting that a 24 hour break might give you a stronger venue for your message.
You said in your second post, "...If something is bothering me, I tell him and I expect him to listen to me and respect it..." Well, you told him and he is not meeting your expectations of listening and respecting you. It sounds to me like it is time for Plan B. AJ
I agree with Karen, Ginny and others. I would definitely consider this rape even if it was my husband. This is total violation. I'm sorry that you or anyone has to go through this.
My husband did this once or twice when we were newlyweds. We had not slept together before marriage and I think it was a defining moment in our relationship that I said "Don't" and he hasn't done it in the 7 years since. I think that this is an issue of respecting you and your body more than it is a form of rape. He may be feeling like this is something you are obligated to do or that your wants are not as important as his "needs". Both of those boil down to his thinking of you as less important and that should be addressed in counseling. JMO, of course, but I see it as less of a sex thing and more of a control thing.
I agree that this is marital rape.
I agree that it's marital rape. If he tried it again I would have him charged. THAT might hold his attention.
Cori rape isn't about sex, it is about control.
Anon I think your dh just doesn't understand that his ring on your finger doesn't make you his play toy & he needs to have that brought to his attention.
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