Strange behavior... LONG
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Strange behavior... LONG
I am posting anon because this quite a touchy subject.
Here is the situation: I have a friend that has 2 children, girl 9 and boy 6. The boy will ONLY play with girl toys, Barbie, Polly Pockets, Strawberry Shortcake, etc. not a problem. However, he also LOVES dress up (not just loves it, he is obsessive about it) They got rid of their dress up clothes so he comes here and wants to play dress up with my dd and I have to admit, I don't let them. He has recently told my dd that he wants to be a girl, she told him that he can't and he said, "Yes, I can" She talked to me about it and I tried to explain that maybe he is confused so on and so on. Here is where it gets strange. He hides all of his girl toys (they buy him his own Bratz dolls and Polly's) in his toy box and puts other toys on top of them. Believe me it is not just about his preference in toys, he doesn't want to play with boys AT ALL. They will invite him over and he won't go and just shows no desire to do anything related to "being a boy". I wish I could accurately describe him so you get the whole picture. He prances around when he gets dress up clothes on (I know this sounds sick) but almost as if he gets off on it. Mom will buy him things like wigs and such because he will not let it go when they are in stores. He then will get up in the morning and put the wig on first thing and it will stay on his head until he goes to bed. He is a sissy (I hate to use this term but it accurately describes him) He will cry about the smallest thing. I really have to monitor when he is here (which is often, they live one house away) because, he will get into dd's closet and put her clothes on. I hate to admit it, but it just bothers me. His mom has joked that this is just a phase, I don't think so. I have known him since he was 1 and it has gotten ten times worse. At 4 his mom asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and she said, you know like a doctor or lawyer and he looked at her and said, I want to be a girl" I think Mom encourages it by buying him things like Barbies and wigs and dolls. I honestly think he needs to talk to someone, as do the Mom and Dad. He may change, but I seriously don't think so, it has gotten out of hand. Other kids are noticing (mine tell me that he is strange) I hope he doesn't get joked on in school but I know it's coming! My question is: Do you think that being a Homosexual is something you choose or do you think it is genetic. I am not by any means saying that because he likes to dress up he is gay, but it has to do with other actions. Like I said, I wish I could give an accurate picture of him but I can't.
Hi
It does not sound to me like he is definately gay, I know guys who are guy and as pre teens and teens one or two would be very feminine in some actions and into syle and fashion but still wear boys clothes and wanted to be a guy but happened to be gay.
I think things to do with their sexuality and orientation is something that occurs early and some know they are and some do not. I do not think anyone chooses to be gay, what i do believe is a girl or boy is born and is always gay or straight but some choose to deny or accept this, and some need times to come to terms with what is 'different' or in the minority.
Some may be happy to be gay and proud of it from early teens and some maybe not til they are older and some may even marry a women and have kidsbut still be gay (though i think that was when being gay was very unacceptable)
I dont like to make diagnosises but in my opinion if this boys behaviour has been like this for years he could be (and i do not know the correct term) a female in a males body, ie his mind is that of a girl its who he feels he is and wants to be but he is physically male.
Maybe the mom can see if this contiues for longer while at school when he is mixing more with boys without having a choice? but if he is like this still in another couple years he could be 'female' but not physically.
Anyway just support them and let him be who he is.
He sounds like a very sensitive child. I do not think its good if boys are not allowed to be sensitive at all, so ifhe crys just comfort him and distract him. he still is just a little child.
Also maybe make a rule that dd can only wear her own clothes and noone is allowd to wear them ans she can only change if hers are dirty or something. That way its not personal but just logical
Good Luck
There was a show just about this on Oprah last week (it was a repeat). They describe what you are describing as "transgender" which has nothing to do with being gay. As stated above, a boy in a girls body.
The experts on that show strongly advice counciling and tell the parent to allow the child to express what he is feeling. One parent had a small child (I forget age, but something like 4 yrs?) who was suicidal sp?. Another parent, the dad, with a young boy around the age of four, sounds just like the boy you describe, tried to continue w/ the male role model and not allow the girlish wishes. At the end of the show, he said he was buying some dolls before they got home. He said his child's life was more prescious then his choice of gender.
Some where girls who acted as boys. Some where older kids and one was an adult, all who experienced the feelings of needing to be the opposite sex. All were happier being the opposite sex once they were allowed and remember feeling so low and unhappy when it was denied.
A very interesting topic, esp if you know a child who is going thru it. Such a scary thing for them, I am sure. Maybe you could get a copy of the show? It was on just last week, so maybe it may still be listed on her website.
I played with my brothers toys as a child and loved hanging out with him and his friends. I still went out with the girls but I much preferred dirt, and cars, and GI Joes. My brother played with my Barbies all the time. We would role play Barbie and Ken with the dollhouse and car. He dressed in my clothes and let me put makeup on him (this was until he was about 9). Then he started mutilating my Barbies and destroying my dolls so it was a stage for him. As far as determining transgender or gay issues im not sure. My brother did turn out gay (errr.... bi sexual depending on the day or his mood....) but other than having a private gay life that he hides from his high school friends, you'd never know. He enjoys cars, going to bars with the guys, dirt bikes, getting dirty and anything pretty much not feminine.
IMO, with no complete knowledge of this subject, I would think the parents are confusing him by buying him both girl and boy toys. If they want to support it and let him go through what they think is a stage let him play with others' toys and not buy him his own Barbies and Bratz toys. That goes a bit far IMO. Maybe the parents need to stop encouraging girls behavior and encourage more of the boys behavior. Spend time with Dad playing with trucks, cars, go fishing etc... Before you know it he could be asking for manicures and pedicures.
I'm not saying the little boy is wrong or anything but children do need guidance in life and the parents need to make sure they guide him in the right direction. If he does turn out gay, fine. At least the parents wont wonder.... "What did I do so wrong?" as that is most parents first reaction to a gay child.
Good luck
I think that maybe the parents need to talk to his pediatrician & na counselor. I don't think it is a phase, but I could be wrong. I watched the Oprah show as well & it is truly an interseting subject.
I just have one more thing, I hope that you are not calling him a sissy or other names in front of your dd or where she can hear. Kids repeat what they hear & that could really hurt him. It may not be his fault, just who he is & I hope he isn't being ridiculed because of it.
It sounds like he may be transgendered. I saw Oprah as well, that poor little boy really really wanted to be a girl. I agree with Emily, don't say anything negative about him that your dd may repeat.
I agree that this is something that should be talked about with his dr and then if needed, some counceling. Kids can be brutal and if he isn't getting teased at school yet, he will be soon. I am not at all saying that it is ok that kids are this way, just that they are. He needs to get things worked out if indeed there is something to this.
Transgendered, not gay. I've encountered two boys like this so far, one a daycare kid in my son's class and one a neighbor. We have a public high school for gay and trangendered kids in our area. The teasing must be horrible, although these boys I know are 9-10 years old and so far there hasn't been much teasing. That will change, don't ya know. Poor boys, it must be very frustrated for them. I don't think making him play like a boy with boys things will make any difference.
First thing that comes to mind is Poor Kiddo! If he is transgendered, he is in for a tough road ahead. I have to say, if he was my child, I would allow him to dress up in whatever he wanted-- Dress and dolls included. I'm sure the parents encourage "male" behavior, but what can they really do? I hope they have had a conversation with their Pediatrician, and I hope they were recommended to a specialist. Not because I think his behavior is wrong, but because I'm sure this can't be easy for him either.
I can only say if it was my DD who wanted to be a boy and to wear boy clothes and play with trucks and such, then I would support her in those choices. Unfortunately, it's easier for a girl to be a "tomboy," than it is for a boy to like more "feminine" things.
I would gladly have the little boy over the play with my DD. Dressing up with her wouldn't bother me a bit. I think it's a good chance to talk about people's differences and how to accept those who are "different."
I wonder if maybe he feels his older sister if favored over him, and that he maybe thinks if he were a girl like her he'd be favored, too. Just a thought. It's hard to try and understand something like this without knowing the entire situation. I don't know anything about transgender kids, so I won't try and comment on it. Although if he is obsessing about wanting to be a girl, for whatever reason, counsiling may be in order. jmho
I want to agree with the sentiment...HE IS ONLY 6. I feel like in our society we are so quick to label, our little box is so small that anyone outside of it's ranges needs meds or needs to be discplined, pushed to move on etc. She needs to love her child, quirks and all. I have a very sweet son that he too has his girly moments, he is in 1st grade, my boy wants a my pretty pony. Will I buy him one, you bet! He is also really into dress up. As a mom of both boys and girls I have to say that creative dress up side is very girl oriented. There just aren't as many boy dress up clothes. In my opinion I would buy him some boy dressup clothes, to put along with the girl clothes. My little guy when he was 4 put on the prettiest flower girl dress and said "i am beautiful, when I grow up I want to be cinderella". He did "get off on it", what normal person doesn't enjoy looking nice. Yes it is atypcial, but only because we have a society that pushes boys to boys and girls to be girls or we have people who work so hard to be neutral. I don't know how I feel about the whole transgender thing, but I do know these were all people who never felt included, never felt a sense of belonging or worth. Well as parents we need to quit judging harmless behaviors and just love and support our kids, it isn't hurting anyone. My son now would never put on a dress, but heck we still have the ponies!
No, I do not talk about this in front of my kids! They have come to me and talked to me about it and I have gently explained that people are all different and that we should love and accept him for who he is. I also let him come and play with dd almost every day, I just don't let them do dress up because when his mom is here she has also told him no, so I took my que from her on that subject. I wish the ones that have critisized me knew the whole situation. It is not just about the dress up clothes and toys, it is his behavior. He is not just a "sensitive" child, he cries over EVERYTHING! and I mean everything. The wig thing justs gets old, he wears one regularly and then I am left to explain once again to my children that he in not "weird" he just likes different things. If it were just about the toys I would absolutely think that it's no big deal, but it goes further than that.I worry about him because right now his mom is quick to jump to his defense when other kids say things (not mine, they know better) but what is he going to do in school? When mom can't be there every minute of the day. I do care for this child and it worries me what other kids are going to do. So, don't judge me like I'm a nosy neighbor, I am seriously worried for him. His mom has a hot temper and I don't know how she will react to someone joking on him, it happened in preschool when he was constantly in the dress up box, the little boys would ask him why and his mom would jump in and snap at the kids and basically tell them to mind their own business. At some point mom isn't going to be there to jump in. This does affect me and my kids, they are all friends who play together everyday. It is getting more and more difficult as they get older for me to explain his actions to my kids. I didn't post here to get bashed, I really just wanted opinions on what I can do to understand and be supportive and yes a little more tolerant.
Anon, I can totally relate to what your concerns are. We have a little boy in the neighborhood that is EXACTLY what your describing to a T. I don't think that anyone said he needed to be medicated or diciplined! At some point, it does go over the top and it is very hard to explain that to your kids. He was that way when we moved in here 4 years ago and he just went into 5th grade and is the same way! In my opinion, no one has said anything disrespectful about this little boy. If indeed there are deep issues then he needs to talk about them. This part of your post struck me:
He hides all of his girl toys (they buy him his own Bratz dolls and Polly's) in his toy box and puts other toys on top of them.
By him doing this, he knows he is different! If he thought this was a normal thing, he wouldn't be hiding it!! For his own sake, he needs to talk to someone about the way he feels. Please don't feel that everyone has attacked you. I can understand your concerns for this little boy.
Oh, I know what you are talking about anon. It's not just a matter of this boy "preferring" to play with girls' things. If he's anything like the two boys I know it's more like a *compulsion. You can say to the two boys I know, "Ok, boys line up to the right and girls line up on the left" and these two boys will line up with the girls. They think they are girls. Their psyche is that of girls.
There's a book I read that's about a baby boy who had a botched circumcision and the parents and doctor decided to "make" him into a girl. And it failed! As he/she grew she "knew" she was a boy although she didn't know about the botched surgery. She finally had a sex change operation back to being a boy. I think he was an older teen when he did it. It's a true story and it was a bestseller. I can think of the name and I'm not at home to look at the title.
I would worry about the mom not being sensitive to this child and making him feel ashamed.
I too wold worry about the mom, mostly because she is not seeing this as something that deserves some investigation and counseling. Whether this boy is transgendered or not, he is heading for huge amounts of trouble if he acts like this in front of other kids, and I am about 99% certain that your dd will at some time say something to other children about him.
Whatever the situation is with this boy - transgendered, homosexual, or simply acting out because he is jealous of his sister - I strongly think counseling is needed, for both the boy and his mom.
I don't think anyone is accusing you of being a nosey neighbor or talking about it in front of your dd. I meant my comment as just a reminder that kids pick up on how their parents feel about others. I was in the other room a few days ago, out of my ds's hearing range, I thought & said a bad word. He heard me & tried to use it the rest of the day. I am sorry if my comments hurt your feelings.
The fact that you even brought this up here shows that you are concerned about his well being. You are right, we do not know all that is going on & have made our comments on the info you gave.
I think that if his Mom seems sensitive to what other people say to him or about him, it is because she senses there is a problem. Maybe you could mention your concerns to her, she may appreciate talking to a friend about what is going on.
Who knows, there might not even be a problem. Kids develop differently, maybe this is just a phase.
I have a cousin that acts very girlish at times, but he is also a very normal 9 year old boy at other times.
My son, who is 7, prefers to play with dolls than boy toys. He has three older sisters and when they let him play with them, they played with their toys. He has gone through phases of the dolls, ie: Polly Pocket, Powder Puff girls, Kelly dolls. He is now interested in Bratz. He has four. Two girls and two boys. He plays with them constantly. I listened and watch his play. He is always "saving" them. Sometimes he is saving them other times the boy dolls are being the heroes.
He does have boy toys too but he prefers to play with the dolls. Sometimes he will have his Spiderman save the kids, or his GI Joe doing the dirty work. He has always been this way. His favorite toy for ages when he was a toddler was a Barbie. She was naked without a head. 
He is a sensitive kid and will play with boys his age but he's not the rough and tumble type. He doesn't dress up though or put wigs on his head. He likes girls and talks about getting married, living in an RV (so he can travel when he wants ), going to college, etc.
We used to push him towards the conventional boy toys but he prefers to save the damsel in distress NOT be the damsel in distress...so far, anyway.
I think your neighbor needs to keep an open line of communication between herself and her son. He should be let to grow who he is. I saw the Oprah show. If your neighbor's son is transgendered or gay, he will need a strong support system. He also needs to build up his self esteem and maybe role play to answer back to kids if/when they make comments to him.
This is also an excellent venue to teach your kids about tolerance and acceptance of people who are different. Under no circumstances to I allow my kids to name call or taunt other kids. But all kids do it. I trying to teach my kids to stand up for the under dog, the different kid. Diversity is what makes this country so great.
You seem like a caring neighbor and friend. Keep up the good work!
Is the father emotionally available to this sweet boy? Or, any other masculine influence for that matter? Just curious!
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