I think I may be going crazy and i don't know what to do. I work full time My husband goes to school full time during the school year so I am our only income and he stays home with the kids. Our circumstances aren't bad as far as life in general. The Problem isn't any circumstances at all it is me and how I handle things. I just get to the end of my rope and snap. I have a 3 year old an 18 month old and a four month old. I just couldn't handle it this evening and screamed at my three year old to sit on the couch and not get up until dinner. Of course she cried (who wouldn't). I felt horrible but had no idea what to do about it. I hate myself for taking it out on her. It isn't her fault whatsoever. I just can't handle the piles of laundry the medical bills ( that will be payed off in a few months) and working and cleaning the kitchen. and everything that goes with running a house and taking care of children. I just don't know what to do. Life is not horrible for me I just can't cope when the pressure gets to be too much. I guess I need to vent some. I do good most of the time but there are the times I just feel like I may snap completely (about every week or so). I feel horrible and hate it when I yell at the kids. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I think that my family would be better off without me but I am a logical person and the logic doesn't pan out. Normaly I am not an emotional basket case but I feel like I am at my wits end. HELP

By Ilovetom on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 07:29 pm:

Big old hug. My children are teenagers and I still have days like this. You are a normal person.

Maybe you should talk to your doctor about it though. Sometimes that overwhelmed feeling can be helped.

By Jayne2 on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 07:46 pm:

You have 3 small children, basically two full-time jobs and home to maintain...of course you are stressed! It is okay, please don't beat yourself up - everyone has a breaking point. The laundry will get done and the kitchen will get cleaned. It is easy to snap at the kids...when you calm down tell her you are sorry you were grumpy and give her a big hug...Please vent to us that is what we are all here for. Every one of us here could have wrote this post...you need some good ole pampering, a brisk walk, coffee with a dear friend, you know what I mean. It's going to be okay...I'm sending you a big hug (((Julie)))

By Gammiejoan on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 07:57 pm:

Try not to be so hard on yourself, Julie. I know we all have times when we "snap" and take it out on the kids. I can't imagine having three children the ages of your three. What hours do you work, and what is your husband's school schedule? I know your husband has his hands full taking care of the kids and preparing for school while you work, but can he help take some of the pressure off of you by doing some of the laundry while he is home? If I were you, I believe that I would try to keep my housekeeping chores to as bare minimum as possible. There are certain tasks that have to be done. Among these are washing clothes and providing adequate meals. Then there are other things that can be allowed to just slide by. I would try not to worry too much about keeping an orderly house. I wouldn't want an unsanitary home, but beyond that I would try not to allow clutter to bother me too much. It would also help if you could find some way to have a little time for just yourself. Is there anyway at all that you can get someone, a friend or a relative, to sit with the kids for even an hour or less while you go for a walk or do something else you enjoy doing? When will your husband be through with school? Maybe you can just keep holding on to the knowledge of how much better things will be when he finishes and is able to get a good paying job. If you feel that you are really starting to get depressed, don't be afraid to see a professional. You definitely have a lot of stress in you life right now.

By Payday614 on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 07:57 pm:

ditto
it's not easy to take time for yourself, but sometimes you need to.
sending big hugs your way.

By Momaroze on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 07:58 pm:

That's what were here for. Vent all you want. We all have our regretful moments. I have 3kds, and the whole lot and CERTAINLY have my moments.

By Audreyj on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 08:50 pm:

Hey Sweetie.

I have had my moments as well.

There was a book in the library a few years ago entitled, "A Housekeeper is Cheaper Than A Divorce!" I wish I could remember the author. Anyway, she has a great sense of humor and the book is written from a funny slant, but the meaning is clear, it is cheaper and healthier to hire a cleaning service twice a month than to wind up paying a lawyer for a divorce because we (Mom and Dad) have lost our minds!!!

Very occaisionally, probably once every eight weeks or so, my husband and I just put some money aside and "take a break". We pile up all the laundry is big bags and take it to the laundromat and pay for wash, dry and fold service, all of the clothes are returned the same day and for a family of four it costs about $40.00. We can put all the clothes away in about an hour. And at the same time, every couple of months, we arrange to have a cleaning lady come in and clean the house. There are usually ads in the paper under Domestic Help for people who will do it and they usually charge about $50. They usually will do all the floors, counter tops, bathrooms, and make the beds. All together, this usually runs around $100--so we save $10 a week, now, that doesn't leave much room for entertainment, so once the house is cleaned and the "now clean" laundry is put away, we usually spend a very, very, quiet evening just "breathing" and enjoying our newly clean environment....and for a couple of days, everyone, including the kids, goes on a "put it back where you found it" "let's keep it clean" phase but eventually, about every two months or so, it is time to "move the mountain" again!!!!! We really do practice this, sometimes it is only once every eight weeks or so, sometimes it is every three months, but every once in a while, we "treat" ourselves and it sure is nice.........hhhmmmmmm things are beginning to pile up around here as a matter of fact.....think I'll go check the "treat" fund!!!! AJ

By Dana on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 10:11 pm:

Many hugs and all the same thoughts as the other women have mentioned. I saw you have a 4 month old. Have you considered the fact that you are suffering from hormonal changes as well as the overwhelming stress that would occur with children all so young? I would call your dr as well.

Do some research on postpartum depression. It never crossed my mind that I was suffering from it when my DD was 8 months old. I thought PPD was when you thought about hurting your children, and well, not a normal person. I knew I was suffering, but figured it was just me. There was a lot of strange thoughts that I KNEW made no sense (similar to you thinking that your family is better off without you). Logically, I KNEW it was crazy thoughts, but still the thoughts stayed with me.

2 years later, I mentioned to someone what I had experienced and how I thought I was loosing it back then. She said "that sounds like PPD" I just said "oh, maybe" but deep down I thought, well at least there was a reason for how I felt, but I doubt it was PPD....how could it have been? Then I did some further research on the topic online by accident (found a site with info and other links). Come to find out, they gave stories almost exactly the same as mine. And I mean exactly! So now I am certain it was PPD. Never had thoughts of hurting my child or actually running away from home, but that is not the only symptom of PPD. If I had only known then what I know now. There is help for PPD, so if that is what you are going thru, make sure you talk to someone. don't be afraid like I was.

I am 16 wks pregnant now, and I have already told my dr that I suffered almost a year with PPD with DD without knowing what it was. I have no intention of doing that again.

Many many hugs to you! Your life is very busy and very stressful right now. I hope you find some way to get help into your home with some of the daily worries to help lighten your load.

By Tink on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 10:34 pm:

I agree with Dana. I didn't recognize my PPD because I didn't want to kill myself or hurt my dd but I was beyond overwhelmed and developed a flash temper that wasn't a part of my normal personality. Depression ran in my family but I didn't have any problem with it until after each pregnancy. I had a hard time dealing with taking a medication every day until I realized that if my diabetic friend didn't take her insulin she had problems and taking a pill once a day could make a difference in the quality of my, my dh's and my dd's life.
You have so much on your plate right now that there are plenty of reasons to be feeling overwhelmed and out of control. BUT it may be more than that and easily helped. Hugs to you, let us know how you are feeling whenever you need to.

By Juli4 on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 02:23 am:

Thanks alot you guys. My husband does help out. I wish he was more of a multitasker but he does a great job. I haven't actually thought of ppd. I feel depressed at times and recognize it as my hormones or something. My only concern is that I am breastfeeding and don't want to stop. I work night shift but dh does a good job of helping me get sleep. Like I said it does not seem circumstantial but just me. I am going to research it more.
By the way I have thought of paying someone to clean the house just on a random basis. What all do they do and don't you feel like you should have it clean before they come. I mean our house doesn't just have stuff sitting around it is more like the oven needs clean the dishes are dirty. The carpets needs clean. we keep clutter to a minimum because of kids, but we can use a good deep clean. We barely make the basics like dishes and bathrooms. Thanks for all the support and suggestions.

By Dana on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 09:49 am:

Juli4, there is help for PPD that does not interfere with breastfeeding. Definitely contact your dr. I'll see if I can find the info that helped me so much. Their link is no longer good, but I printed it out a long time ago to give to my mothers play group. I'll get back to you if I find it and get your email addy if it is not already in your profile.

By Dana on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 09:57 am:

And a couple other thoughts. Two of the symptoms of PPD that I showed were the feeling of, ummm, my skin crawling? Just a very odd feeling all over my skin, not a rash, not an itch, just like I was not comfortable in my skin. And though I never thought of "depression" as a symptom, I was certainly anxious. I felt the need to remove myself from my situation, more of a frantic "I just need to get out of here" feeling. Usually I just ended up sitting in my car in my driveway w/ the radio on....and in tears.

Again, hugs to you and feel better. Let us know how things continue to go for you. If you want to ask me more info, feel free to email me. My addy is in my profile.

By Debbie on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 10:30 am:

I had hormone problems after the birth of my second ds. We moved from Calf. to Texas when he was just 5 weeks old and I was so stressed. About 2 months later, I just lost it. I was putting away groceries and my 2-1/2 yr. old grabbed a jar of pickles and dropped it on the floor. It shattered and pickle juice went every where. I started screaming at my ds, who of course, started crying. I called dh at work, I was cying hysterically, and told him he needed to come home. Like you, I had been having days, about 1 every week or two, were I would just loose it and scream and yell at my ds and anyone else who happen to be around. Dh forced me to go to the doctor and I finally agreed. My ob/gyn took a blood test and told me my hormones were all messed up. He gave me two weeks of hormone pills and after that I was fine. Now, during the two weeks I took the hormone pills, I was a mess. My doctor told me it would happen, so I was prepared. After the two weeks, my hormone levels were back to normal and I felt much better. I would definitley check with your doctor.

Also, you do have 3 small children and a full time job. That is a lot to handle. I would really check into getting a maid service to come in every 2 weeks. They will change the sheets on your bed, clean your bathrooms, vacuum, clean your kitchen, etc. My dh did this for me when my youngest was little. He was a terrible sleeper and I was exhausted all the time. It really was great having someone come in every 2 weeks.

Hugs to you. I hope things get better for you soon.

By Emily7 on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 11:50 am:

(((Juli)))
There was some great advice above. So I don't have much to add.
You do need to try to get alone time, I know that is hard to do, but it helps.

By Tink on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 12:20 pm:

Juli, there is help out there. COunseling won't interfere with BFing and if you talk to your primary care physician or your ob/gyn about how you are feeling, they can give you all kinds of information about medications. I have taken 3 different meds (different drs like different ones) all while nursing, all of which had been specifically tested on nursing mothers and their babies. This is such a common problem that the testing has been done to make sure the meds are safe. Feel free to e-mail me also. You aren't alone and you don't have to feel like this.
On another note, there are plenty of cleaning services that will really deep clean for you. You can just dump all the extra stuff (toys on the floor or dirty clothes that you don't want to deal with) in a box and stick it in the trunk of your car. Then pile in the car and go to the park or the library for the afternoon and enjoy the time outside and the anticipation of a nice clean house when you return.

By Irene on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 12:20 pm:

I agree with Audreyj. Having a maid come every now and then is wonderful! I was ready to get therapy, but then I realized I'd come home and my house would still be a mess. Better to get a maid, then I wouldn't need therapy and my house would be clean!!! If you don't have clutter, then you guys are perfect candidates. It's so nice to come home and the place smells good, everything sparkles. Then if someone makes a mess you don't feel so angry, because it wasn't your hard work they're messing up.

By Truestori on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 12:58 pm:

Sending many e~hugs your way. You have sooooo much on your plate, and working night shift makes it even harder! There may be some hormonal stuff and sleep deprivation going on. I second the maid idea. Even if it is just for one cleaning to get everything under control and manageable, it would be worth it. The other plus is the first time someone comes to clean they do their very best because they want your buisness! I hope you are feeling much better today.

By Bea on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 01:52 pm:

I've suffered from clinical depression for years. I've learned, after such a long time, certain motivators that prevent me from spiraling down into despair.

FIRST: SELF ESTEEM IS CRUCIAL.
You must learn to not only love but to genuinely like yourself. Surround yourself with people who are mirrors of how wonderful and unique you are.... people who like and admire you. Get rid of anyone that convinces you that you are less than great. Do you believe your family loves you? Are they idiots? Do they have bad taste? That's where you start. As you begin to like yourself more, you will attract people who are positive. Make a list of what YOU like about yourself. I'll bet it's not a long list. Take the time to think about every item on that list several times a day. Try to take credit and pride in those items. When you've done something that you think went well, compliment yourself. Pat yourself on the back for a delicious dinner, a clean living room, a beautiful garden, a successful child. Look in the mirror and preen a little when you know your hair looks good, that skirt is just the right color to set off your eyes, or you've lost that 3 pounds.

SECOND: "SELFISH IS NOT A FOUR LETTER WORD".
Mothers are caretakers and caretakers seldom take care of themselves. That leaves you worn and frazzled, resentful, but feeling guilty about resenting. It's a bad place to be. Some very important people depend upon you, so it's VERY IMPORTANT for you to take care of yourself FIRST. Take a long bubble bath after the baby's in bed. Leave the kids with Dad and go to lunch with a friend. Rent that chick flick that he doesn't want to watch, and have a friend over while the kids are in pre-school. Buy yourself that wonderful new shade of lipstick. Treat yourself well because you deserve such treatment.

THIRD: "LEARN TO BE A POLLYANNA". There is always something good or beautiful in every situation. Find it. When the baby has a fussy day. Put aside the other chores and rock her. How often do you get that time together? Savor it. Gather snapshot memories. It may be a trying situation now, but later it will probably be funny. Listen to a bird song. Look for rainbows. Stroke a cat or dog. Watch two squirrels play. There is some good in everything and every situation. Sometimes it's hard to find, but if you work as hard to find the good, as you work at suffering the bad, the sun will shine on your soul. Instead of asking God for help, concentrate on thanking Him for your blessings. It helps to identify them.

FOURTH: EXERCISE.
Moderate exercise will raise the endorphin levels in your brain. Be sure to get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation will rob you of motivation and serotonin.

FIFTH: CHANGE YOUR PRIORITIES.
Stop trying to take care of everything. Let go of the control and let God handle it. He'll do a much better job of it. Trust me! Don't sweat the details. Recite the serenity prayer to yourself a hundred times a day and live by it.

By Amecmom on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 03:16 pm:

I can't add anything that wasn't said already. Just know you have a lot of support and hugs! I can't imagine having to do all that you do. It really is amazing! Rather than focusing on the negative - the things that don't get done and the anger and frustration that go with them, think about all that you do do to contribute to a good life for all of you! You should be so proud of yourself!
Ame

By Lauram on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 05:28 pm:

I agree with the PPD idea. I too was bfing and scared about that. I finally had my dh take the older child (I only have 2 kids) and leave me with the baby- for 4 days. I slept and bfed. That's it. It really helped a lot to get the rest. I ended up getting through the PPd without meds or therapy. I was jsut exhausted. Anyhow, maybe that's an option for you?!

Also, we ended up getting a cleaning service about 2 years ago. I will never go back. We too have trouble managing dishes and laundry. We just have them come every other week- for that deep down clean. The house is usually a mess on top of it druing the interim, but at least I know that underneath it all it is clean.

My dh is also great, but not a multitasker at all! I had to laugh at that one!

By Juli4 on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 09:46 pm:

again thanks so much. A lot of really good ideas. It is funny how much our home and enviroment plays on our mental status soemtimes. It is amazing. I am definetely going to look into the cleaning service. Do they do stuff like toys and clothes and such. I would almost be embarrassed for them to see my house sometimes when I need it the most. Well I am feeling much better. Tonight is my night off so that is nice. I always know when I feel depressed that given time I will feel better even if my house looks the same and nothing has changed. I was watching the kids tonight and no wonder things get messed up. I got to just relax and do some household shopping with my 3 year old and then come home and just spend time with everyone and it was nice.
My husband was telling me that God knows what is going on and knew before it happened and that He will help us through and I know that is true, but my response was "are sure He doesn't need my help". It was said jokingly but sometimes I just want to know NOW not later. KWIM

By Lauram on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 09:07 am:

You can set up an arrangement with the cleaning service. Mine doesn't do clothes (we do that) but they make the beds with clean sheets (I lay them out and strip the beds) and they tidy the toys (we try to do as much as we can the night before, but it's never "perfect." They actually do really cute things with the toys/stuffed animals- my kids and I love seeing what they did as it's always a surprise (like a stuffed animal tea party...). THey do my microwave, but they don't do my fridge (they do my friend's fridge though). And, believe me, you'll get over the "embarrassment factor" once you realize what a relief it is to have it cleaned. I always say, "I'm sure they've seen worse!" (and they probably have.) I also try not to be home when they are there- because then I feel guilty!