I am sure we all have friends like this:
I have some great friends but the problem in spending time with them seems to be their kids. I am not saying mine are perfect, far from it, but I do require them to act in a nice mannerly fashion. I don't allow them to run up and down the isle's at the store, hit other people, call other children names, etc. But it seems like everyone I know lately has kids that drive me crazy, I feel like I spend the whole time biting my tongue. The question is this...where do you draw the line? For instance one of my friends 8 year old son will call my son "baby" "bad boy" etc. Over and over again (he's 2 and calling him "baby" is a real insult to him). He is always bragging about what he has, making things up most of the time. He will do this to all the kids and the 4 year old hits and grabs toys away from them. (The mother is always wondering why her oldest doesn't have friends at school....hmmmm). WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?? We should be teaching our children social skills.

Anyway, where do I draw the line? When should I step in and come to my childrens' defense? I usually very nicely ask them to stop but they don't...then what should I do? I don't want to make the mother angry but more than that I don't want my kid's to have to deal with them.

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 10:09 pm:

I would very firmly say *stop that, it is rude* or something like that. At some point, you have to stop worrying about making the mother angry. If she's not going to control her kids or teach them some manners, then she's going to be in one heck of a mess in a few years.

One thing I learned from years of being on my own, alone, with my kids, is if YOU don't stand up for them when they need it, no one else will and they will remember that. Your younger ones especially need you to stand up for them, and in doing that, you will teach them ways to handle things themselves.

When mine were young, and right about the time my X left us, my DD was having huge problems with another child. I kept trying to stay out of it, and I SO wish I hadn't because the other child's mom was giving my DD a really hard time. You know the type, we all have one of those friends/neighbors - the ones who think their kids are perfect and do no wrong and whatever happens is always the OTHER kids' faults. These are also the kids who are never disciplined or held accountable for any of their own actions.

I realized that at some point *I* had to step in. You'll have to do that too. It's one thing to say you just won't spend any time with these people, but stepping in will send a message to your child that will help him later on.

And it might just send a message to the mom of these kids too.

By Mrse on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 11:29 pm:

I would just make the visits short and sweet. If the other children do something that is making your child cry, or physically hurts them, then I would say something. Alot of parents want to visit with their friend they put a deaf ear to what the kids are doing. Once I had a friend with twins, they would come over and she did not watch them when she was their for a visit, they ended up throwing most of our outside belongings including bikes etc.. into the stream behind our house, and jumped on my garbage can and busted it into a million pieces, I can not remember how they were around the girls, so anyway, I told her that it was best I went to visit her at her home because, I did not want the boys at my house untill she could control them. I was at the end of my rope, she understood, as my girls bran new bikes ended up in the stream as well. It is really a hard thing, when you are aware of what other people's kids are doing and saying, and the parent seems to be oblivious. If the other kids bad behavior is not rubbing off on your kids, and you still want to be friends, just let it be, and if you want to still be friends with the person, arrange meetings where the kids stay home with dad's. We are all protective of our kids, even if we know they are in the wrong, it is in our blood to defend them, it must be because we are embarrassed the way our kids are acting, and we did not see what was going on, and resent someone else pointing out that our kids are behaving badly. One other time, a friend of mine had a daughter who was in my daughters class, and her daughter said something really really nasty, so I had mentioned it to my friend, very nicely I might add, I remember I was making kraft dinner, told her about it, and she said she would talk to her daughter, no big deal ( I thought) well after that she would not speak to me, stopped answering my calls, she may have changed her phone number to a private listing. All because I mentioned this, we were really good friends, had coffee all the time, at one point someone told me that she said I just freaked on her on the phone that day, and that is not the way it went down at all. We were no longer friends, it took me a long time, to get over it, I cryed and cryed, and was just devistated, I finally got over it, years later seen her at a school function, she sat beside me, said we should have coffee, I did not persue it, and about another year after I found out she died from lupis. Sometimes mentioning things like a little scrap between kids is just not worth it, that is what I learned from that, I lost the last years of my friends life. It just was not worth it. Just let it go.

By Cocoabutter on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 01:37 am:

Unless you have had conversations with a friend you are close to regarding appropriate behavior of children and you seem to be in agreement, I would not pursue it. It won't do any good anyway, from my experience. The reason the kids are out of control in the first place is that the parents are weak and don't take the control back. A word or two from you isn't going to change their parenting. I agree with Karen, although it depends on whose home you are visiting at.

If it is at their home, and her kids are totally out of control in a way in which it places your kids in danger or your kids are a target, you have a right to say something, but rather than waste your time speaking to their mom, speak directly to the kids and don't worry about what your friend thinks. If she would get mad at you for protecting your kids, what kind of friend is she really?

If they are being destructive to their own home/stuff and their mom says nothing, you should exercise restraint while you are there, and then stress to your kids in the car when you leave that THAT kind of activity will NOT be tolerated at YOUR home, thus ensuring that your kids do not pick up on that behavior.

If they are at YOUR house, YOU take control and take steps to correct their bad behavior. Every child that comes to your house should expect to uphold your standard of behavior while they are in your home. You won't have much time to visit, from the sounds of it, and perhaps your friend will come to understand that it is a lot of trouble to bring her kids, and she will either take steps to correct their behavior herself, not bring them, or not come at all.

By Sue3 on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 08:01 am:

I have a good friend who`s 10 year old ds is like that.One time we were at a pool and he kept
dunking my 6 year old ds who does not know how to swim.Another time he got really angry at my dd
for not playing with him at our house , he hit her really hard on her back , when I lifted her shirt she had a huge welt mark.
That was about a year ago.I always diciplined
him while he was here or when he was causing harm to my kids like when we were at the pool.
Little be little our visits together were fewer.
It was just a hassel because we could never relax and visit when ever he was there because we always had to be on the look out for him.
Now when I visit my friend I go by my self or we just do things when it is just her and I.

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 08:06 am:

I have this trouble with my nephew who is 5. He visits my house and is a holy terror. He jumps on my furniture, breaks Timmy's toys and just generally trashes my house. I'd always let him go until one day I was venting to my mom about it. She put it very simply just as Lisa said. It's my house. It's my rules. At 5, my nephew is still controlable but you repeat yourself over and over and over again. I've found it nerve wracking but doable. After telling him once to not jump on my furniture he gets a time out. If his parent intervene with the punishment, I just say that it might be better if we visit another time and my brother takes the hint.

All in all and to keep it shorter than I just did. If you don't like the way your kids are treated either make it stop or remove them from the situation. If it is your house, then EVERYONE follows your rules.

Not everyone in life will like the rules but then not everyone in life likes life.

By Coopaveryben on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 04:54 pm:

It's good to hear it is not just me. I'm not big on getting in a situation where I have to confront anyone, I guess I need to get over that for my kids. I agree I shouldn't say anything to the mother but I will certainly ask her children to stop from now on.

By Audreyj on Wednesday, August 25, 2004 - 08:57 pm:

I have a friend who has a daughter who is a difficult child. The kid has come to my home on a few occaisions and tore down my curtains, wrote on my walls and tore up my husband's cell phone. Finally, I just told my friend that we will visit her at her house. That way, if the kid tears something up, it's hers, not mine. My husband and I only have one exclusionary rule: We do not associate socially with folks who do not take care of their children. If someone else's kids repeatedly cause harm to my kids, I just become very busy and stop returning phone calls, eventually they "get the hint". AJ

By Feona on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 07:33 am:

Does seem like everyone I know has a difficult child. I just tell the kids to stop it. If it is a play date, I say we are leaving to the child if the child does what ever again. This is 4 or 5 year olds. If the moms don't like it. Oh well...

By Debbie on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 10:51 am:

I would definitley say something to her children, especially if they are causing harm to your dks. It is our job as parents to defend our children in this type of situation. If you are at her house, you can always leave if the situation gets out of control. If they are at your house I would say something directly to them. I always use the "house rules" approach. For instance, if they are hitting your children, then I would say "One of our house rules is that we don't hit, please stop hitting." If it gets to the point that you don't enjoy your visits with your friend because of the siutations with her dks, then I would just try and spend time with her without the kids.

By Mommmie on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 10:46 am:

There are a lot of wild kiddos out there! I think there are so many reasons why - environmental, nutritional, busy parents, stressed out schools, lack of physical activity, etc.

I take it case by case. The ones who are *always* awful and who are meansprirted and destructive, I end the friendship. I've tried to make things work with these kids bec they live across the street or are classmates or otherwise hard to avoid, but I've never been able to make it work. And it most cases the parents are just as frustrated with their kids as the rest of us are! But I no longer subject my son to them - even though in some cases he really likes the kids!

There's a classmate in my son's grade whose mom worked *very* hard to get my son involved in her son's life - playdate invitations, b-day party invitations - but I had already been told the kid was a terror by two other moms who had known him a long time. A few years ago I would have given the kid the benefit of the doubt, but not anymore. This had happened so many other times (really, there are a lot of unlikeable kids out there!) and it was *way* harder to extract ourselves from their lives after being involved with them, than it was to never get things started.

It's tough. I have one mom whose son is just awful who is desperate for her son and my son to be friends bec he has no other friends. My son is not crazy about him. I can't stand being in this position. Am I supposed to *make* my son be friends with her son because she *needs* it to be? Ugh, it's awful and they live right next door.

You have to step in. These kids will take you as far as you let them. They are not going to improve on their own and sometimes it helps to have non-parents correct them.

By Mommmie on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 10:47 am:

Oh, one more thing, as your kids get older they will go from playing with your friends' kids to playing with kids you don't know the parents, like from school, and it's a lot easier to police.