I am so tired of everyone else trying to tell my husband and I how large our family should be. We have one DD and currently are planning to keep it that way. Why is it that people go so far as to tell me that it's a mean thing to do to my daughter to only have one child? Or that she will end up being a spoiled/lonely/antisocial brat?
The whole family gets on our case about this. Now I know that we made a mistake by telling our families that we only want one child but since I can't change it, how can I respond nicely to get them to stop the guilt trips? When I had my DD if we hadn't gotten immediate medical attention both of us could have died and that's a big factor in our choice. But I really don't think that we should have to justify our choice to anyone.
Does anyone have any tactful suggestions for a response for the next time that this happens? I know that eventually I will snap at someone and I would like to avoid that.

By Tonya on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 02:51 pm:

Just be blunt and say I didn't ask your opinion so please don't give it.

By Mommyathome on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:03 pm:

Ditto Tonya. It's no one elses business anyway.

I was raised as an only child.

By Ladypeacek on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:06 pm:

Well my brother and me are 24 years apart so i was an only child, lol! And i think i turned out just fine. There are pros and cons of both. I would ask them if they have any proven studies that show that one child is so horrible to have? There are times that i felt lonely as an only child but i have 2 kids now with the 3rd on the way and there are times my dd wished she was an only child, lol so like i said it depends on how you raise her if she is spoiled or a brat and if you raise one as a brat then if you had 2 3 4 they would probably be brats too, lol! I think i was raised good, i earned what i got and my mom did not spoil me by any means, lol!

By Eve on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:08 pm:

Oh my, can I relate!! People say all kinds of dumb things without even realizing it. After having been through multiple miscarriages and severe morning sickness, people still say "See, she needs a sister!" or something like that. Very annoying. I just usually smile and don't say a word. There are lots of wonderful things about only children. I'm guessing my DD will be an only child too. Just focus on being a good parent, because only you know what's best for your family. Nod and agree seems to work best for me. Good luck.

By Melanie on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:14 pm:

No matter how many kids you have someone is always right there with a rude comment. The same people who asked me if we were going to try for a girl when we had two boys were right there asking (with that look) if our third child was planned! Drove me nuts.

Politely inform them that your family is complete just the way it is.

By Mommyathome on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:20 pm:

We hear comments because we have "sooooo many" kids. We have 3 and our youngest is 2 and 1/2. When we tell people we would like at least one more (maybe even 2) they say dumb stuff. "you want ANOTHER baby?" "When are you going to stop" and my very favorite "have you figured out what causes that yet?" Ugghh. People can be so ridiculous.

By Kristie on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:25 pm:

My ds is 5. After I had my miscarriage 2 yrs ago I got my tubes tied. The people around me were totaly against it. They said it was unfair to Russell to be an only child. When ever I have a depressed moment my mom always says that it was a mistake I got my tubes tied because I would have been happy if we would have had another baby. I just explain to people that I am happy with one kid and it is not in our budget to populate the town. I also had a hard time with both pregnancys and don't want to risk my life just because everyone thinks that haveing an only is bad. Just tell them that it is none of there buisness and you don't want it brought up any more. It worked for me.

By Emily7 on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:47 pm:

I am told I shouldn't have anymore. We have 2, one of each, & we should be happy. I just politely say that it is nice of them to be concerned, but we have a plan & are sticking to it.

By Janet on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 03:51 pm:

I have two friends who are both single child by choice. They always smile sweetly and say, "We are very happy with our family the way it is." End of discussion. Although it's very rude to ask, I don't see any reason to respond rudely.

By Angellew on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 04:06 pm:

I am an only child. And my DD will be an only child (though she does have a step-brother, but he's 15 years older than her!!)

I can name many reasons why my DD will be an only child... I had her late in life, it was a hard pregnancy that I do not want to repeat, our financial situation is limited... etc. But, who do I need to provide those answers to??? My DH and I know why we decided to have a child and only one. And we are the only two who matter. We gave birth to her, will raise her and will love her for the rest of our lives. Why do I need to justify my decisions on this, or any other matter in my life to anyone else??? Would you think twice about telling someone to mind their own business if they asked you why you lived in the type of house you live in, or why you cut your hair the way you do? One person did have the audacity to tell me I was being selfish for having only one child. To that, I answered, "when you live my life, pay my bills, carry and give birth to my children, as well as raise them through their life, and bring your paycheck into my house, then you will have the right to say that to me. Until then, keep your opinions to yourself!" Rude??!! You bet!!! But, in my opinion, not half as rude as inflicting their social values on me! (Sorry if I ranted!!)

By Jackie on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 05:16 pm:

I still havent figured out why people need to be so damn nosey. Some people are just plain rude! Believe me Ive heard my share of rude comments as well. I have a son and a daughter and then 4 miscarriages before my current pregnancy. People think they have the right to say well "your done now right, you have one of each".. Or after my 3rd miscarriage people would say we should just stop trying as we have 2 children already,...UGH... I use to get so mad and upset. What right does anybody have to say that stuff to somebody?

By Debbie on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 05:52 pm:

I would just smile and politely say "We are happy with our family just the way it is" Try and not let it get to you. It just seems like no matter what you do someone has to make a comment. I have two boys and if I hear one more time "when are you going to try for a girl" I will scream. Hang in there. Unfortunately, too many people in the world don't realize that what goes on in other people's families is not their business.

By Anonymous on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 06:18 pm:

Thanks everyone. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I really don't mind when people ask me if we're going to have another. It's the constant remarks from our own families that bugs me. I'm going to try to let it roll off and when it really starts to bug me, I'll be armed with the tactful responses from you ladies rather than my own sarcasm. Thank you so much

By Kay on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 06:47 pm:

I like the old Dear Abby or Ann Landers answer: Look at them incredulously and say, "Now why in the world would you ask me THAT?"

By Momaroze on Monday, August 9, 2004 - 07:43 pm:

LOL Kay, that is funny!

I have 3 kds, always wanted 3 and now have 3! I've been told that I'm crazy to have that many nowadays???? I've been told, wonderful to have 3, and everything in between. People are going to say things and so be it. If you want 1 child that is totally your business, and that is just fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but in some cases it would be nice if they would just keep it to themselves! If you have people saying things like "it's a mean thing to do to your daughter", or "you are going to raise a spoiled brat", those are nasty things to say.

I would just say matter of factly, hey we are happy with one child, end of conversation.

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 01:04 am:

Since I have 2 daughters, every now and then I would get, "When are you going to try for that boy?" So, why do I need yet a third child to be complete? Also, no guarantees that I would have gotten a boy, anyway? LOL! I can't imagine paying school fees for three kids. 2 is just fine!

My sis only has one kid and is quite happy with that. I would never dream of hassling her about it!

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 05:58 am:

Since it is family that is doing the asking, imo you need to think out your response carefully.

I agree, it is none of their business, but one needs a certain amount of tact to tell mom or Aunt Alice that it's none of her business.

The bottom line, however, is that "It is a personal decision that can only be made by the two people involved. We've made our decision after careful thinking and talking between the two of us, and I very strongly wish that you would stop talking about it."

Debbie, I have 3 sons and my dad sometimes asked me if I would considering trying again for a girl. I finally said, OK daddie, but you have to promise that if it is another boy you will take him and raise him. He stopped asking.

By My2cuties on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 10:00 am:

I think about every month my mom asks me if I am pregnant I say no (even if I think I am) she thinks we should only have the 2 girls, but we want 3 children. That is none of her business though, and another thing is the whole "name the baby" is an issue in my family everyone thinks it should be named after them or something that they want. They drive me CRAZY, dh and I have decided we are not telling the name of the next one until she/he gets here! I feel your frustration only opposite my parents/family DON'T want us to have anymore children. I just let them talk and let it go "in one ear and out the other". Good luck and I would just tell them the benefits of only having 1 child.

By Christylee on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 10:38 am:

I deal with this all the time and you're right it is so frustrating how people can be so rude. Usually the way I handle it is say I had a rough pregnancy and we're happy with our family just the way it is!

If they don't like it tough, it's my life!

By Pamt on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 10:57 am:

People can be frustrating. We have 2 boys and get the "so when are you going to try for a girl?" or "wouldn't you like a daughter too?" comments. My hubby always replies, "well, we always wanted 2 children, so which of our 2 boys do you propose we exchange?" That shuts them up and he says it jokingly so it's not really offensive. It also frustrated us when people would ask the gender of our unborn children. We did not want to know the sex of our babies---we like surprises! People would actually get mad that we didn't find out and would ask how on earth we knew how to decorate the nursery. Our answer..."plaid."

By Mommmie on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 01:51 pm:

I say, "I know my limit."