orgasm during sex. I've had it other ways, but never the way that I REALLY want. I am starting to get a little worried. My DH does not know this and I could NEVER tell him. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if it is ok to post this and I am sorry in advance if this is an inappropriate question for the board.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 05:32 pm:

I have not had this problem, but I know there were some good books suggested for a simular problem. I just can't remember what they were called.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 05:48 pm:

Me either. You are not alone.

By My2cuties on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 06:05 pm:

I do not have this problem but I have heard of it alot, especially after having children. If it is truely a concern then I would talk to my ob/gyn about it, and he/she could give you some medicine that is specifically for that. I have heard of the medicine but I cannot think of the name off the top of my head. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Maybe someone else knows more about the medicines.

By Pamt on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 06:35 pm:

Can you have orgasms, just not during the actual act of intercourse? If so, that's actually pretty normal. I have read from many sources that only about 1/3 of women orgasm during intercouse. This is because direct clitoral stimulation is typically required to bring a woman to orgasm and things just don't quite align so that that happens during intercourse. First of all, a wonderful book that I have recommended on here before is called "A Celebration of Sex" by Dr. Douglas Rosenau and it has a whole chapter on the female orgasm. I would recommend you and your DH reading the entire book together though. If you have never had an orgasm period, then this book will give you some exercises and step by step guidelines to help you achieve one.

If this is really something that you want to address you are going to have to tell your DH. Is it that he doesn't know or you have actually been faking an orgasm? If you are faking then that it a real trust issue and yet another thing that will have to be resolved before either or you can be comfortable and vulnerable enough with each other to address the issue. It is sometimes difficult and embarassing to talk about sexual issues with your spouse, but it is crucial to the health of your marriage. I know...BTDT. After our first son was born (stage 3 tear with a major episiotomy) sex was very painful for me and I kept "having headaches" and was "too tired." After sex twice in 6 months my DH suggested marriage counseling. At that point I was honest and explained that sex was really painful. Once I was honest about what was going he didn't feel so rejected and he understood my POV better and we were able to work together to solve the problem.

One thing about talking about sex w/ your DH. Don't do it in the bedroom and don't do it during a sexual encounter. You need to be fully clothed with full attention on each other to really talk about and discuss it. Do try the book though. I thought we already had a pretty good sex life and reading...and implementing...suggestions from that book only improved it. Good luck and *have fun* resolving your issues!

By Ilovetom on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 08:49 pm:

Well, it's not always a given for me either, but I guess some would say orgasm shouldn't be the goal for sex- but anyway.

I bought myself a very small vibrator. It's the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's not everyones cup of tea, but it works for me.

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 09:57 pm:

I highly recommend checking out the web site created and directed by Doctors Jennifer and Laura Berman. They wrote the book FOR WOMEN ONLY A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life. Great book, BTW.

NewShe.com

Lots of helpful and informative info, articles, surveys, a message board, etc..

After having kids I went through a rough time when my libido was nil. After lots of reading and research, talking with my GYN, checking hormone levels, going off BC pills, but most importantly, having lots of heart-to-heart talks with DH, together, we were able to get ME out of the slump.

{{{HUGS}}} I hope things are going better soon!

By Marcia on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 12:14 am:

Just a suggestion - don't focus on the end result the whole time you're making love, or you won't relax and get into it enough to have an orgasm.
I'm sure all of the above mentioned books will have great advice.

By Anonymous on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 08:45 am:

For me, orgasm isn't the focus during sex. It's when it's all over that I get a little upset at myself. My DH makes me feel really good. Sometimes I feel like I am just about to and then it's all over because he's done. That is when it bothers me the most. He knows that when it happens like this I get a little upset because he can tell.
I can have orgasms different ways, just not during sex.

By Trina~moderator on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 10:11 am:

To the above Anon: Have a heart-to-heart chat and tell him gently that you'd appreciate if he waited for you if at all possible. My DH will stop if he's close and knows I'm not there yet. Or he'll say, "Hon, I'm close, are you? If not, I need a break." If I'm close we'll continue, if not we'll stop or slow down so he can hold off. He's ALWAYS very considerate in that department. You know the old saying, "Ladies first!" The key is to communicate and be very open and honest with each other.

By Kristie on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 03:07 pm:

This is crazy cuz my dh and I were talking about this just yesturday! My friend is haveing the same problem and wanted me to talk with my dh on how she can address the issue with her dh with out hurting his feelings. All my friends know that we have a VERY healthy sex life. My dh won't stop until Iv'e climaxed. He sometimes wears me out and he is 16 years older than me!! (I'm not complaining though) He said that you just need to tell him what feels good. When you feel like your really close say something like Right there feels good, and slower or faster if thats what you want. Sometimes My biggest orgasims are after my dh has climaxed but he keeps moveing to get another erection. A womans nerve endings to have a orgasim are right inside her vagina, not way up there. Alot of men think the further they go in the more pleasure a woman will experience, and that is not true 99% of the time. Which is why you can have an orgasim in other ways other than actual intercourse. Just my opinion, you can take it or leave it. My dh must know what he is talking about cuz I had never had an orgasim before I was with him, I always "faked it". My dh also said guys can tell that you are fakeing it if they have been with a woman who has had an orgasim while they were makeing love. Thought you might want to know that. Good luck!!!!

By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 10:21 pm:

I HAD ONE!!!!!!!
HEEEE HEEEEE HEEEE

By Rayanne on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 10:24 pm:

Gd for you.
I don't mean that sarcastically either.

By Luvn29 on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 11:18 pm:

Woooohoooooo!!! That is great!!!

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 11:31 pm:

Oooh, wonderful! Woohoo!

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 06:59 am:

By Lisairene on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 11:24 am:

I've almost had an orgasm during intercourse, but in 40 years, it only happens doing other things. I too found the "vibrator". I found the main problem in my life was that I wasn't attracted to my ex-husband. duh. now that I'm with the love of my life boy are we having great fun! wow, all those years I thought something was wrong with me! I was ready to take a testosterone test. (say that fast three times).
well girls, let's face it, life just isn't fair to us women. We have to squat and pee in the woods, pms, child birth badges...(stretch marks, varicose veins), menopause, and mostly, just orgasm's by our cl------. (if I can write that). Sooooooooooooooooo glad to hear I wasn' the only one.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 01:42 pm:

I bought the new KY warming liquid and that is what helped. For some reason, it made him last longer. Hey whatever helps.

By Pamt on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 02:46 pm:

That's exciting---literally! LOL Don't forget that practice makes perfect . BTW, I am horribly allergic to the KY warming liquid. Ouch! Glad it worked for you.

By Hol on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 02:12 am:

I have been married a long time (36 years). We were kids when we got married, and the first and only one for each of us.

While I always enjoyed sex when I was young, I never climaxed during sex. My young husband was very inexperienced, and too "eager", if you know what I mean. I used to call him a "minuteman". LOL! Therefore, he wasn't into foreplay, because he's get so excited that it would be over before it began.

I had a friend at that time, whose husband was a graduate student. They were Mormons, and already had two or three babies. Her husband was a brilliant guy (a chemical engineer), but nothing to look at. Very nerdy! However, I'd be so bewildered, because she would tell me how GREAT sex was for her, and that it was like "falling off a cliff". I had NO idea what she was talking about.

My hubby was in the military, and deployed a LOT. When he came home, he could push the door open without using his hands, if you know what I mean. LOL! He never wanted to take the time to learn anything new. He was very "goal oriented". LOL!

That's not to say that he wouldn't try to please me. I had no problem climaxing during oral sex, or other ways that he would touch me. but, so that he wouldn't "pop off" too soon, the touching was brief. However, the enjoyment of the sexual act, for me, was just being close to him, and knowing that HE was having pleasure.

Then, one time, I felt an orgasm deep INSIDE of me, that was so intense and different from anyhting that I had experienced on the outside
of my body. I guess that is what is known as the "G" spot? I have tried very hard to duplicate it over the years, but it never happened again. I don't know if it was the way we were positioned, or what.

I have thought of getting a vibrator, but I have heard that if you use them too much, because they are so intense, that you will "toughen" your nerve endings, making it harder to climax with your partner.

Ever since I went through menopause, tho, my "fires" have really died down.Plus, I take Zoloft, which diminshes sex drive. DH has had coronary by pass surgery, so he is supposed to take it easy, too. We are in our middle fifties, and find that our love is more intellectual and spiritual now. We finish each other's sentences, and say what the other one is thinking. Oh, we have our moments of intimacy, but it's more about love than lust now.

So, any woman out there who doesn't feel "normal", please know that you are quite normal. Real life isn't like the movies. Women in the movies are ALL hyper sexual orgasm machines. LOL!

By Karen~moderator on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 07:18 am:

Well put, Hol, but keep in mind, those hyper sexual orgams machines are a lot of FAKE orgasms! LOL

By Dawnk777 on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 07:05 pm:

I have no complaints! LOL! There have been a few times when I have been left "out in the cold" so to speak, but not too often. He has only gotten to be a better lover the longer we have been married. I guess my only complaint is that he gets stressed out and uninterested too much! So, I guess I get quality, not quantity!

By Karen~moderator on Monday, August 16, 2004 - 08:16 pm:

Dawn, most of us do as time goes on! LOL Actually, I prefer the quality these days.