I've been away for about 6 months. I was posting anonymously about my opiate addiction. For those of you who don't remember me I'll give you a little background. I'm a 33 yr. old mother of 3 wonderful kids and I've been married for 12 years. About 10 years ago I started using opiates. It wasn't a regular thing, it was off and on for many years until about 4 years ago. For the last 4 years it's been a daily thing. I used to cry nightly about how bad of a person I was and how I was going to change and was'nt going to take another pain pill. That never happened, the next day I would be right back into my addiction. I desperatly wanted to quit using but the addiction was stronger than me. I started to become someone I did'nt know. My marrige was crumbling, I never seemed to have time or patience for my kids, my bills were piling up, and I had lost about 30 pounds in a 2 month period. I never ate because that would take away the buzz..sounds terrible I know. Every waking moment was filled with how am I going to get it? where am I going to get it? when am I going to get it? I was so tired of it taking over my life. I tried many times to quit, but that never lasted more than a day or two. I realized that I couldn't do this alone. One morning I decided to call for help. I was balling my eyes out to this stranger on the phone spilling my guts to her and talking a mile a minute! It's like i could'nt wait for someone to listen to me and give me some help. So, for the last 6 months I've been in methadone treatment. Some of you might not agree with this kind of program. There is a HUGE stigma surrounding methadone. I for one can say that it has given me back my life! The old me is back! My marriage is much better, were getting our debts payed, and my kids have a mom! Some people decide to stay on methadone for years, some for life. I plan on tapering within the year. I don't want to rush it because I don't want to relaspe. This has been the best thing for me. I've not taken an illegal drug in 6 months! Feel free to ask any questions you may have. I used to post anon. but I'm no longer ashamed of my past or my treatment. I've really missed coming here and I hope I'm still welcomed to join in!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 10:00 am:

Are you kidding??? You are always welcome here. We all have our crosses to bare and yours is not for us to judge.

I truly hope you are able to push through this... and I am glad you decided to share your story, it might help someone else.

Question, before you were talking about the people calling and not being sure how to address the fact you had decided to stop. How did that all go???

Glad you are taking your life back. Hoping to see you around more often..

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 10:12 am:

I'm glad life is getting better for you. That was a tough row to hoe! {{{HUGS}}}

By Tayjar on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 10:18 am:

This is awesome news. This is something to be proud of. I have so much admiration for you. My sister is addicted to prescription medication. She refuses to get help as she doesn't have a problem. I wish she would as she's a wonderful person underneath all of the "high".

You are always welcome here. I'm so glad your kids have their mom back and you have your family back. It sounds like you are on the right path and things are looking up for you. Big hugs to you and your family.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 10:40 am:

Oh, Mara, I am so glad to hear from you, and so proud of you! Six months - that's wonderful. Many of us have been wondering and worrying. And I am so pleased that you have reached a point where you can come out of the anonymous closet here at Momsview. Big, big hugs and pats on the back.

By Claire on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 11:40 am:

Good for you! I think you will be one that makes it.

By Annie2 on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 11:46 am:

Mara, I am proud of you. Keep up your good work!

By Happynerdmom on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 12:12 pm:

That's great, Mara. I know your journey is far from over, but what a great start. Six months is a long time! Continued prayers for you...
(((HUGS)))

By Cat on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 12:55 pm:

I think you're AWESOME!!!! WHAT A WOMAN!!!!! lol You're doing the right thing for you and your family and I'm SO proud of you. Great work and continued prayers.

By Marcia on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 01:40 pm:

Good for you, Mara!! You should be so proud of yourself!

By Angellew on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 02:40 pm:

You should be very proud of yourself!!! You're a strong woman and you will be strong enough to make it through!

We'll be here for you!

By Tink on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 05:59 pm:

Mara, I'm so so SO proud of you! Six months is a long time and you've rediscovered how rewarding being a wife and mother can be. You sound so positive and that is a good place to be when you're making such a difficult but worthy decision. My husband has 14 years clean and sober and, while it is still something he thinks about once in a great while, he says it gets easier and easier with each day. Keep up the great work!!!

By Jtsmom on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 06:04 pm:

That is GREAT! You are so strong!! Keep it up!

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 07:51 pm:

WTG, Mara!!! Giving up an addiction is so difficult, and you are doing a great job!! You are always welcome here!!

By Karen~admin on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 08:50 pm:

Congratulations Mara. Sounds like you have made GREAT strides. And as I am SURE you know, admitting you have the addiction, especially to yourself, is the first step, and the fact that you are *coming out* instead of posting anonymously is another huge step for you! You are determined, you are doing this the right way, and you will make it! We've missed you.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 09:32 pm:

WOW!!! That is FANTASTIC news! I am SO proud of you and so happy for the success I know you'll continue to have in beating your addiction. I think you are an awesome mother, wife, and WOMAN for admitting your addiction and taking action to fight it. You can always come here, no matter what. WAY TO GO!!!

By Mlee on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 10:10 pm:

You go, girl!

As for people putting down methadone -- I say if it helps you recover, it's a great thing! And don't give up the training wheels until you're riding real steady.
Hooray for you!!!!

By Mara on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 - 08:31 am:

Bobbie, all the phone calls did eventually stop. It took a week or two for the people that I thought were my friends to stop calling. After they realized that I had nothing to offer or no money to give they did'nt need me anymore. You know, sometimes that makes me sad and I think about them and hope they find their own way out soon, but to tell the truth I was using them too. I would'nt call them unless I was in need either, so it was a two way street. My "real" friends are so supportive and my mother is supportive and my dh is also behind me all the way. At this point, it's something I'm keeping from my kids. I'm still not sure what to do in that situation. Until then I'm not saying anything to them, I'll probebly even wait until they are adults. I think it's a big thing for a child to comprehend. THANK YOU everyone for the warm welcome back and the support! Mlee, I LOVE the sentence about "training wheels".

By Karen~admin on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 - 09:38 am:

Mara, I agree with you 100% regarding telling your kids. There is no reason at this point in their lives that you need to go into that with them. If you choose to *come clean* with them, then adulthood - or late teens - is the time to do it. They need to be old enough, with enough knowledge and life experience to fully comprehend and understand what you've gone through. Otherwise, you will *miss the mark* in doing that. HOWEVER - I do strongly advise teaching them how to avoid doing the same thing. You should talk to them about safe and constructive ways to deal with their feelings and problems and avoiding peer pressure and temptations, without turning to drugs or alcohol to *numb* the pain or anger. IMO, that's the way to go with that. Keep those lines of communication open. Allow them to have their feelings, and to learn how to deal with them, by communicating and facing them, not hiding from them and trying to deny or ignore them.

But - I've strayed from YOU.

I know how hard this has been for you. I have 4 adult kids, and more than one of them has had serious drug and alcohol problems. One of them has been through rehab several times. She has been clean and sober for 8 years now.

I also am aware of the stigma attached to methadone. Many/most people are unaware that methadone is used for more than just weaning people off of opiates. It has been commonly used in chronic pain management by pain management specialists because it's a *cheap* drug, and it WORKS. However, like any drug, legal or illegal, anyone can experience side effects, and can overdose on it, if they abuse it.

What is impressing me most about you and your problem is that you have faced it, and have come out and admitted it, and are no longer posting anonymously, knowing that there are probably some people who will be *less than supportive*. That's a huge step. You are *owning it*, and that's not an easy thing to do.

Are you going to any support groups, such as AA or NA, or are you getting private or group counseling or therapy, as a means of support? If not, then it might be a good idea to try it. I am sure you know there may be times, when things get rough, when you are upset or going through something, when you might be tempted to take *just one pill*. From what I've learned, sometimes that craving just appears, out of nowhere. And that is normal. Being on the methadone helps prevent that, but having a support group would be a great thing to fall back on.

I'm so happy that you're getting your life back! I can sense in your posts how good you're feeling about all of this. BIG ^5 to you!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Rayelle on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 - 10:30 am:

I think it's great! It sounds like you are really being strong, working to overcome your situation and making some positive changes. I know someone I had class with also benefited from methadone she is doing really well. I'm glad you are also doing better. I know it had to be hard to not be anonymous.

By Mara on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 - 02:27 pm:

Karen, yes I go to group to talk about how I am and any question I have. Every other week it is with my assigned councelor, and once a month it is with other patients. There are also meetings almost daily at the clinic that anyone can go to, they are not mandatory but they are recommended. My decision not to go anon. is mainly because so many people see addiction as a person with no morals or a lack of will power. It is neither of those. I want to try to let people see that it happens to "good" people. Your neighbors, your friends, your teachers, doctors, people from all walks of life. Everyone makes poor choices in life at one time or another. I thought at first that these pills made me feel good, I had energy, they made me happy. At first I would take one or two with a friend of mine. Then it started where I would have to take more to acheive the same effect. I would see others life being ruined by drugs and I'd say that I was stronger and that I knew when enough was enough. Then it got to where I had to have them so I wasn't sick. My body would yearn for them until I gave in. Some of you might already know how opiate addiction works, for those that don't let me try to explain. Everyone has endorphins in their brain that cause happiness, natural highs, boosts of energy, a sense of well being. Opiates give the brain the same endorphins that make them feel good. So in the beginning an addict feels extremly good and has lots of energy. As time goes on,the brain stops making it's own endorphines because it's getting it somewhere else. That is when tolerance builds. The addict must start taking more of the drug to acheive the same "high". If the person stops taking the drugs there are no endorphins present in the brain therefore the addict goes into withdraw. They feel extremly tired, sad, sick, cold sweats, watery eyes, and just basically feel like they have the flu. Endorphins control all of that. Now, some people over time will start to make their natural endorphins again. Some people never get the same amount of endorphins again...therefore they relapse. I've heard of some people getting over the withdraw period in weeks, some months. I've talked to a few people who stayed clean for up to a year and never got the feeling of being normal. I'm not sure if this has been studied or if this is just assumption, but either way I find it very interesting. Okay, I'll stop babbling for now I've been getting books at the library and researching online about addiction and if you could'nt tell I'm really interested in learning all about it. I figure the more I know the more I might understand why this happened to me.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 - 09:28 pm:

AMEN Mara!! I am glad you came out and I am with the very proud of you ladies on here.. I know for a fact that each one of us has a story that can help someone else.

My suggestion would be to tell the kids in their teens... An educated child, with a justification not to use is less likely to use. So far my dd is 18 and my ds is going to be 16 and neither have used drugs or alcohol. DH's families addictions run far and wide... They don't want to end up with lives like theirs so they have avoided it at all cost, thus far.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 - 09:30 pm:

Oh darn, lost my train of thought...

Anyway, I am glad they backed off. You are lucky, my brother in laws friends would have just started showing up at the door. They like keeping their addiction buddies close at hand and their dealers closer..

Big hugs Mara...