Would You Have A Problem With This?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive July 2004:
Would You Have A Problem With This?
Just wanted to get some feedback. Am I being too petty or not?
We live in a nice older residential neighborhood, and when any of the neighbor kids come over they ask for something to eat.
Now, I like having the kids at my house where I can keep an eye on them, and I wouldn't mind giving out snacks once in a while. But- a) I don't work and my dh and I can't afford to be the Neighborhood Snack Bar, and b) I think that it's incredibly rude to go over to someone else's house and ask for food.
Granted, sometimes my son (7) gets the idea for snacks first, in which case I stress to him that if he is going to have a snack, it is only right to offer one to his friends.
But, all these kids at one time or another, pull the old "I'm SOOOO HUNgry" with the-hand-over-the-tummy-whine. "Ya got anything to snack on?" "Can I have a little snack?"
Or the "My throat is SOOO dry... Can I have something to drink?" (This from the kid who just came over from his house directly across the street). And I had to put a stop to the kids all having pop because it's so expensive, and it's not good for them anyway.
What I have done is ask the kid, "Well, have you had your dinner yet?"
If they say no, I tell them to go home and get something to eat and then they can come back. I then get some kind of argument sometimes. "Well, I don't know when dinner is", or "Can't I just have a little something?"
Of course, ya give one snack out, ya gotta give 'em ALL one. I went through a whole bunch of bananas (5 in all), a 1/2 box of Little Debbie snack cakes, and about 1/2 dozen cookies in ONE DAY. Not to mention a 1/2 gallon of Kool-Aid.
Doesn't anyone teach MANNERS anymore? Like, "Don't go to someone else's house and ask for stuff" or "Don't argue with your elders."
What do you think?
I agree with you. We have a little guy down the street who used to do the same thing. I always sent him home to ask his mom for something.
If I've invited the kids to come play, then I offer those kids snacks when I normally would my own. If it's just kids off the street, I don't. I have 5 to feed as it is, and certainly can't afford to feed a bunch more!
I've taught my kids NOT to do this. They are allowed to have something if offered, but they are to come home if they are hungry or thirsty.
I don't think you are being unreasonable either. One of the neighborhood girls is especially bad about this. She will even ask the neighbors that don't have children for a snack! My dd knows not to do this or accept snacks when the other girl does this. The other girl will send my dd in to ask for something and puts my dd right in the middle of it all. I think it is really rude and I had to finally say that I will not give out snacks at all. If my dd wants a snack she has to come in to eat. She only has one neighbor friend that comes inside to play and I don't mind feeding her. She eats dinner with us occassionally and my dd eats with her family once in a while too so I feel like it is a fair exchange. I think you just have to put a stop to it for everyone or it will go on and on.
I can't stand when my dd brings her friends in from outside and says "mom so and so is hungry..." Well they live next door..tell them to go eat, geez! The i get "but they don't have good snacks over there!" not my proble, if the parents wanted them to have that snack they would get it for them. My nieghbors are just as bad in borrowing stuff. I mean some sugar or milk or an egg, i get that, BUt they have come over to borrow a box of pancake mix and all the ingredients to make it as well, lol! I asked them if they wanted me to cook it and serve it too. They ask for things like hamburger meat or a loaf of bread. Drives me nuts. Whats worse is my dh is only E4 and they are E7, which is a BIG difference in pay and the wife works too. so why are we feeding them????
I can't believe there are people out there like that! Asking you for hamburger meat and a box of pancake mix??? Don't they know how to go grocery shopping? If Im out of anything I go to the store.
That is completely RUDE!!!
Lisa, for the kid who said he was so thirsty, I'd have offered him a glass of water. And for kids who ask for snacks, I would support your method and just say we are not having snacks right now, if it is snack time for you you'll have to have your snack at home. I would definitely NOT give snacks to kids who ask unless your child is the one who started the asking.
Kenna, can you talk with your daughter and explain to her that if so and so is hungry they should go home to eat, especially as they live next door or on the same block? As I recall, your daughter is a very generous and kind person, and I am wondering if these kids are just taking advantage of her and you. As for the borrowing neighbor, I would be strongly tempted to say, Gee, I'm sorry, I just have enough to last until the next time I go shopping, I guess you'll have to go to the store - whether it is pancake mix or an egg. I would bet that they never return or pay back the stuff they "borrowed". And, if the person persists, I'd say, look, you have borrowed x and x and x and x in the last few weeks and have not paid me back - I just can't afford to keep supplying your pantry. I doubt you will lose a friend worth having. Sounds to me like you have some neighbors who really like to take advantage and who know just how nice and polite you and your dd are - are these the families whose kids were so rude at the overnight party?
I would also bet that your mom raised you to be polite and helpful - and their moms didn't. You may have to overcome your upbringing when it comes to dealing with some people. Even if it leaves you feeling a bit creepy afterwards that may be better than feeling (and being) taken advantage of and peeved about it so often.
Sheesh, how rude can you get? We used to live across the street from an older lady who always had a little candy in her house. The kids learned that they usually got a piece. I taught them to wait until she offered and then only take one piece. In the beginning, they would ask me about the candy. They learned to wait for it.
I do not feed the neighborhood kids, unless they have been invited over on a playdate. I have about 3 or 4 dks that come to play at my house almost everyday. Like Ginny mentioned, if they are thirsty, I offer them water. If they are hungry, I tell them that they need to go home and get something from their Mom. I have mentioned before about 5 yr. old twins that always show up at my door. I can not believe how they act. In the beginning, they would question me and the little girl was even rude with me. I finally sat them both down and told them that if they wanted to play at my house, they would follow my house rules. I told them we do not allow back talk in our house and they are not to question what I tell them. They have been better lately. If they do talk back, I just send them home.
I would sit down with your ds and tell him that you will not be feeding the neighborhood anymore. I would also just send his friends home when they are hungry and not give out snacks. You are right, it is just too expensive to feed everyone all the time.
This would get on my nerves after awhile also. I don't think your in the wrong at all and I would be so upset with my girls if I found out they were doing this. I agree you should let this kids know your not the neighbor hood grocery or restaurant. I have nieces who when they come over eat and eat the whole time they are here and they always say Mom never buys this kind of stuff. They will raid my snacks and then we are out of them before the next grocery trip. I will make a meal and no more then a half hour later they are in the snacks.
I have this issue, too. I have 3 to 6 visiting kids in my house every day. They are well-behaved kids with good parents. (I permanently banned the bad kids!) I don't think their asking for stuff is a reflection of their parents being inept. The kids think it's fun and cool to eat at other people's houses. It's new and different and I think the kids are getting a taste of independence. I think anyone is free to ask anything, but just bec they ask doesn't mean you have to say Yes!
If I'm not up to feeding kids, I say Go Home To Eat. I'll give them water anytime. I can tell two of the kids are trained to ask for water only and so they do over and over and over. (Although they do ask for other stuff sometimes even though they are not supposed to.)
Sometimes, I'll plan for it. Last weekend I BBQ'd 6 chicken breasts and put it in the fridge and when the troops asked for food I'd cut a breast up in little pieces, microwave it for a few seconds and put it on one plate in the middle of the gang. They had to share. Just a few bites will stop the asking.
I also buy those cheap popsicles that you can buy by the hundreds and one shelf in our deep freeze is devoted to that. They are free to get those anytime they want as long as they lock the freezer behind them.
I use to have Cokes, bec I like Cokes, but my house was the only place on Planet Earth these kids were allowed to drink Sodas so they were pretty obsessed with them. I've since stop drinking caffeine and I don't have it in the house anymore. So that sortof solved itself.
My son will hand out anything to anybody. So sometimes I'll see a kid with a big bag of chips or a bowl of brownies walking around. Then the parents will show up to take them out to dinner. Whoops!
Really, I don't worry about other people's eating schedules anymore. I use to ask, Have you had dinner and stuff, but, really, I don't care anymore. I don't feel like it's my responsibility to find out if some 10 or 11 year old child has had dinner yet to know if it's okay to have a popsicle. Consequently, I have several kids who are often instructed not to eat at my house bec their dinner is cooking. I think that's good. Then if they do eat here despite the instruction and they go home after eating 5 brownies, then, hey, not my fault. They told the kid to not eat here and they did.
Sometimes on weekend afternoons I'll order them a pizza to be delivered.
My mother hates this, but I also feed my son lunch or dinner in front of his friends. If they ask for some, I say, Don't Have Anymore and you need to go home and eat if you're hungry. My mother says it's rude, but I don't think so. I don't have the $$$ to always feed these kids and if I tell the kids they have to go home bec my son is about to eat, they say We Don't Care if he eats in front of us. I think it's trained them to not always expect food over here.
I think since my house has become the neighborhood play place I can make up the rules. If these parents want to start allowing kids in their houses then they can make the rules for their houses.
I agree with everyone else. My mom would have killed me if I expected someone else to feed me.
I also agree with everone...drinks I give water if the kids are all here. I keep a gallon of water in the frig at all times. The only snacks I hand out and not all the time is freeze pops. I buy a box of 100 for what maybe $3-$4, so that I don't mind. I had to put my foot down with DS and his friends because it was a constant thing to be looking for snacks.
The joys of summer vacation
I also agree. Another problem with the whole snack issue is possible food allergies. Not every kid who's allergic to peanuts or something else common is going to remember to ask about ingredients. If these were parentally arranged playdates and not just neighbor kids dropping in randomly to play (and eat!) I think giving snacks would be different.
When I was younger my grandma used to give snacks to the whole neighborhood! It was usually cheap snacks (looking back on it). She would buy the big packs of 100 cookies or something, and the cheaper popsicles mentioned before. We would drink Koolaid, or the off brand kool aid, which didn't cost much!
It's up to you what you want to do, because I understand how much groceries can cost, but I definately wouldn't buy the littel Debbie snacks or anything more expensive. You can get those big huge packs of cookies for a dollar.
As far as the allergies go, I think that anyone's house that the child would be going to, the parents should let them know about their child's allergies, if they don't think that their child will!
Well, thank-you all for helping me understand that I'm not being unreasonable. If I want to give out snacks, I just need to offer certain kinds of inexpensive ones, and nothing else.
As for the kid across the street, he has ADHD and his dad was limiting the amount of sugar and pop that his son took in, and he was trying to get it from me instead. The Little Debbies are for my dh's lunch, but occasionally my ds likes to have one.
As far as rules go, it seems to make more sense to me to establish a rule about snacks and drinks and stick to it so that all the kids know what to expect when they come here, and I would expect that they might test me once in a while and ask for something they may know they won't get.
I didnt read all the posts so I may be repeating. We have neighbor kids over almost daily. They know where the water hose is outside and are welcome to drink from it anytime!! If they come in for a drink it is almost always WATER that they get. Sometimes I will let them make a big pitcher of lemonade or something. But when they are playing outside in the heat I insist they drink water.
As for food, if we invited them over and they are staying for a lengthy time (all afternoon), of course I provide a snack (bake cookies, brownies, fruit, crackers). If we didnt invite them over I dont usually give out snacks.
We had 4 neighbor kids here swimming the other day (we invited them), I fed them sandwiches and fruit for lunch--when they got hungry again I sent them on home. ;)
The moms in my neighborhood all pretty much think alike in this dept. I must say that my boys are very close to some of the neighbor kids and some of them are starting to feel like my own children they are together so much. We are really lucky in that we have some great neighbors!
Dont feel bad about setting up rules/limits.
I feel your pain!! My house seems to be the gathering place. Although, I love that fact. Because they all seem to gather here, I don't mind giving out small snacks. We have a fridge in the garage and keep it stocked with those little hugs juice things that are like a nickle a piece or something like that and I also buy snacks with the kids in mind. I don't shell out tons of money and watch for sales and stock up. I also buy the popsickles that you can get like 100 for 4.00 or something crazy like that. I like that they all pretty much play here and I can keep an eye on things. The kids all know where the trash is and where the recycle bin is and they all keep cleaned up after themselves.
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