I am a horrible person

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive July 2004: I am a horrible person

I invited my Mom, Dad, & brother a few weeks ago to come to my house for a BBQ today. Thursday I invited my in-laws, when I told my Mom she decided not to come because she doesn't like them. I then invited my Uncle & his family to come. When I told my MIL a few hours before the party she said she did not like them & wanted me to uninvite them. I was shocked, but I did just that. I feel horrible. I called them up & told them what was going on & asked if we could reschedule for tomorrow. They were hurt of course, but said that was fine. I was raised better than that. I feel so bad that my trying to make the in-laws like me hurt my family. I feel like such a b****. I know what I did was wrong, I should have said they were invited & they are welcome in my home. Instead I took the easy route. How do I make this up to them? Can I?

By Marg on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 06:59 am:

(((Anon)))

I never had to deal with inlaws so I have no advice.

Next time I would send out invitations, and whoever shows up shows up. Or invite one side of the family over one time and the next time the other side.

By Feona on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 07:23 am:

I guess you did the only thing you could have. Alot of people can't even stand their mil. At least you can stand her and have some sort of relationship with her for your husband and children. You are making it up to your Uncle and his family.

I think Marg has good advice. I don't think you are terrible at all.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 07:30 am:

I don't think you are terrible. Your MIL, however, is another story - as is your Mom. Honestly, how did you turn out to be such a polite person?

Marq has good advice, if you can accept that the different sides of your family are not going to even attempt to be courteous long enough for a holiday BBQ. And I hope you have a special treat for the Uncle and his family, since they were so gracious.

By Mommyathome on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 09:24 am:

Next time invite all the people that *you* want to be there. It is your party afterall. Then, like Marg said, whoever shows up, shows up! Sounds like the rest of the family needs to grow up and act mature.

By Texannie on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 09:36 am:

Bless your heart! Ginny is right, your mom and mil are the rude ones. I would call and invite your Uncle over for a special dinner. Next time, mom or mil calls and says something like that say "I am so sorry you feel that way, we were looking forward to seeing you today".

By Palmbchprincess on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 11:06 am:

I also agree with Ginny, and Annie. That is an awful position for your MIL and your mom to put you in. You made a poor decision, we all do it sometimes, but the fact that you can admit (and want to rectify) your mistake shows you are a good person. I think Annie's suggestion is wonderful, give him a call!

By Colette on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 11:19 am:

I would apologize to your uncle again today and let them know that you feel terrible about it and won't let it happen again.

From now on invite everyone and they can decide to come or stay home. My fil's brother's pulled the same thing when we were planning a 50th for my inlaws, one wasn't coming if the other one was. I told them both to grow up and the party wasn't about them or their foolish squabbles.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 02:28 pm:

Ditto everyone above!

By Bea on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 02:44 pm:

I don't think you are horrible, but I will warn you that bowing and scraping to a witch like your MIL won't get you any respect from her. I tried it for 33 years until I finally said enough, and purged her from my life.

By Coopaveryben on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 12:03 am:

I have to agree with everyone else. I couldn't imagine planning a party and letting the people who are coming choose my guest list, if they don't like who is coming then they can choose to come or not...it shouldn't be your problem.

I don't think you are horrible for what you did, you were only trying to make everyone happy. I would just call and tell your uncle you are sorry for what you did and invite them over. They will understand.

By Mrse on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 12:12 am:

So what happened in the end anon?

By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 01:03 am:

I sent them an e-card & haven't heard anything back. I will call them in the morning.
When I called yesterday we were going to do something today, but she called back an hour later & said next weekend would work better for them.
I have decided that I can't please my in-laws. They don't like me & won't. I am not going to do anything to make things worse, but I am not going to go overboard.
My mom cancelled because she didn't think she could be civil to my MIL, because of things my MIL has said to her. She figured it would ruin everyone elses 4th if she came & lost her temper. I have a 1st b-day this year & don't know what to do.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 06:17 am:

I suggest that this is one of those times when a real, physical card sent snailmail, with a personal note, is better than email or ecards. Sometimes that gives a different and stronger note to what you are trying to express.

And, sorry, but shame on your mom that she doesn't think she can be civil to your MIL for a few hours. Surely she realizes what a difficult situation she is creating for you, since your child is grandchild to both sides of the family. Is there any way you can get through to her what she is doing to you?

Your MIL is, of course, a real winner, being rude to your mom and actually asking you to uninvite your uncle because she doesn't like him. Can your family agree - for your sake and the sake of your child - to simply ignore her when she is rude or nasty and let her just hang out there all by herself by not reacting to her when she does that?

By Children03 on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 06:35 am:

I don't think you were rude, but I think your MIL might be the problem. I mean think about it, she asked you to uninvite your uncle because she has a problem with him and your mother obviously doesn't like her for some reason, maybe because your MIL seems selfish. Your mother didn't come, but at least she didn't ask you to "uninvite someone" just that she could go. I think you were doing the right thing by trying to invite all of your family, don't feel bad.

By Debbie on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 10:23 am:

I think you should just be honest with your Uncle and his family. Let them know why you did what you did. I am sure they know the situation with your MIL??? Make sure to tell them that you realize you made a horrible mistake and that it was the wrong thing to do.

I agree that your MIL sounds like a real winner and one that will never be pleased. For your own sanity, I would just be yourself and let it go. As for family gatherings. I would just try and keep your family seperate since they can't get along. It is a shame and I feel for the position you are in.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 - 12:36 pm:

I did tell them the reason why when I talked to them on the 4th.
I just talked to my Aunt, she says I don't have any reason to be upset. They are not mad at me & understand. I think they are great people. I am glad I have them as family.
Thank you guys for your advice.