Yet another relationship vent.... lol
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Yet another relationship vent.... lol
I hate to vent but I just need to get this out. I need to put my thoughts down and read them to myself I suppose.
First of all, let me say that I DO plan to go to counseling with or without my dh. I am thinking about getting back on med's too. I have taken them before and I felt a little better. So this afternoon I will make an appt with a counselor (we have been before and the counselor was pretty worthless), and I wil be calling my doc for a script of some sort.
My dh and I had a pretty crummy weekend of biccering. I dont guess I need to give alot of boring details. Mostly I just bit his head off on Saturday and he then got very mad at me. We didnt speak much the rest of the weekend. He was a total grouch to everyone. Even got mad at our youngest when he almost drowned. Didnt say thanks to the oldest for saving him...
Monday night he left to go stay the night somewhere else. (i know where he went) I have 2 problems with him. 1) he leaves me with the children when he gets mad. 2) he says very hurtful things to me about everything when he is mad. It is very hard for me to let these things go and forget them.
Last night it was 'he has NO life'. He say 'he has NO friends because of me'. He says ' he cant STAND my oldest child' and wants him to go live with his Dad. He says he would do things with me if I was more fun, but he'd rather do things with his friends who like to drink beer and dont get mad at him. He didnt say this last night but has said it before-- he HATES me. He RESENTS me. He had money when we got married and I didnt--he reminds me of this all the time. We have been together 6 yrs now. He ASKED me to quit my job when we got married. He acts like it is a burden for him if I attend college (he is tired and doesnt want to help with kids, etc...). He has all the control over money and I never know how much we have. I have to ASK to take a class or whatever--and he has the ball's to tell me NO-- but he can do whatever he wants. He doesnt do whatever he wants all the time, but it's just the point how he makes me feel.
This is getting way to long and I feel irritated just thinking about it. I'll stop now.  Thanks for reading this far if you did!
Wow! Sounds like you guys have a lot of issues that need to be addressed.
He definitely has the financial control, and it sounds like he is lording it over you. That would drive me NUTS.
He knew you had another child when he married you, so IMO, he should have accepted your child before he decided he wanted to marry you and have another family with you. That's a big problem, IMO. Your child is YOUR CHILD and was there before your DH was. This definitely needs to be addressed. How would he feel if he had a child by another marriage and you told him those things?!?
The fact that he leaves when he gets angry is troubling too. He runs away from problems instead of even trying to work it out.
I'm going to say something that may be hurtful, but he sounds like he is a very selfish, self-centered person who wants everything to be all about him, and who wants to control everyone and everything around him.
I hope he will go to counseling with you. It would benefit your entire family if the two of you could work on some of these things.
I really don't have any great advice to give you, but feel free to vent here anytime.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I certainly hope he doesn't say he doesn't like your oldest in front of either of the children. I am sorry, but if my dh ever said any of those things I would ask why he is still here.
I agree with Karen that he is selfish, self centered, & controling. If all he is going to do is run away & not face the problems then maybe it is time you left him. I know that is easier said than done, you have a lot of things to consider. Good luck, my prayers are with you & your kids.
The first thought that comes to mind to your DH is, "Geeesh man, get over it!!!" He needs to realize the fact that he IS the breadmaker, whether he likes it or not. He DID accept you for who your were when you married and he accepted the fact that you have a child.
The life that hes dreaming of is called the bachelor life and he voluntarily gave that up a while ago. He now has a family and there are children involved so he needs to stop being so D@mn selfish and get a grip on reality.
For you to go to counseling and have it work, you BOTH need to commit yourselves. Medicine will temporarily relieve the problem (such as pain drugs for body pains) but it DOESN'T in any way fix it.
And for the relationship to be fixed, your BOTH need to realize BOTH of your flaws. And I put both in all caps because that is the key to fixing any relationship. Along with realizing his faults you need to look at your own as well. And you BOTH need to take steps in fixing those faults.
And i'm not pin pointing you, the "both" is aimed more towards your DH because it sounds like he doesn't want to fix himself and doesn't want to try. I can see getting away from the problem for 20 minutes...30 minutes... or even an hour because sometimes I myself need that. But to leave all night??? The problem needs to get fixed sometime. And I think he is running from his problems.
Are the friends that he has single? Maybe he needs to find married friends who enjoy family activities as well as "boys night out".
Just a few of my thoughts, i'm sure you'll get many.
But (((HUGS))) to you for wanting to try. I really hope it works out. And BTW, stand your ground with your child, don't let you DH come in between and ruin that relationship. I know in the bible husband and wife come before children but I think this is a bit different. It seems as if he just wants this child completely out of your life.
I feel for you having go through this. This is a bad situation because not only is your DH degrading you but he is doing it to the children when he is mad and that is wrong. Your dh gave up his single life to get married and he also helped you have those children so he needs to realize that he is being completely unreasonable and selfish to you and the children. I pray that he will realize that he seriously needs to get some counseling with you if he intends on keeping this marriage & family together. I hope that you will find the right time to be able to talk to him about how you truly feel and hopefully he will agree and try to get help. If you need to vent more, we are all here to listen.
Thank you for all the advice and support. Most of all just thanks for listening!
Here's an update: I tried to talk to him last night but he had to leave. (which I knew he would have to go, but thought he might talk when he came home). He got home and got ready for bed, grabbed his pillow and went in the next room to sleep--I did say 'You can sleep in here with me if you want.' Apparently he didnt want too. I went in the other room and tried to talk with him--he said he didnt want to have a talk right then. I asked if he really hated me like he said and he said 'no, I just hate the way you act'...
This morning he got ready for work and left without saying a word. He still isnt wearing his wedding ring. He hasnt worn it since last Friday.
 This is quite a lengthy punishment.
I should elaborate some on my older child. He has a hard time with him because of how he acts. That child has really been difficult to handle over the yrs and can be really stressful. I can actually understand my dh's frustration to a point. But to have the guts to say all those things to my face--I would never say any of that to him.
I literally feel sick inside and very alone. My insides have been churning since Sunday.
BTW. it didnt hurt my feelings at all to here that you think he is totally self centered. I already know he is. ;) Also Boxzgrl, I understand what you are saying about we 'both' have to work on it. If he wont go to counseling again, maybe it will help me in some way to go again.
Thanks again everyone.
Boxzgrl, I forgot to answer, he has a mixture of friends. One couple is married with kids and he doesnt do much at all with them (he blames that on me--because the girl was a real snot to me and I dont care for her). When he and this guy were single they did use to run around together alot. Which makes since that things might change after you marry and have a couple of kids imo?.
The other couple is married and have NO children. They both work and have ALOT of money. The wife went to PAris without her dh last yr just because she wanted too. The husband gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He hangs out at a pretty well known party place without his wife and has a beer or two all weekend long. I think my dh is jealous of this and that really hacks me off--because these are not the people I want to model our marraige after. They really have no responsibilities. I feel I have nothing in common with them to be honest.
The other people he hangs out with are a mix of young single people or married with kids young kids. He got to go on a trip with alot of them a few weekends ago. I guess that wasnt good enough. He wants to do what he wants when he wants and I DO have a problem with that--when thats not how my life works...
I am probably selfish too. The longer I am married to him the more selfish I feel myself becoming. lol
(((((HUGS)))))
Has your relationship always been this way???
You mention that your older child is difficult. I stand by what I said above - your DH knew you had this child when he married you. That's part of *for better or worse*. It could just as easily have been HIS bio-child that had problems or was difficult. Would he want to send that child away then too??
I'm sorry, but he is not acting like a man who is committed to a marriage. He's acting like a spoiled child.
Most of us feel trapped at one time or another, when life and responsibilities pile up on us. Oh well! Get over it! Grow up! HE made the decision to get married and have a family, HE needs to grow up and be an integral part of his family and stop thinking about going out to play.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It makes me want to just shake him!
Just wanted to add something here. When I was married to my X, his older kids (Jules & Jason) came to live with us when I was pregnant with Jeff. X just naturally assumed I wouldn't go back to work after having Jeff. We tried that for a while, then got pregnant with Jen. Soon it became obvious we needed that 2nd income. So I worked F/T for a while, and P/T for a while. HE said he wanted me to be a SAHM. It wasn't possible. As a last chance effort to improve our failing marriage, I quit working. Money was incredibly tight. HE wanted me at home but he constantly threw in my face that it was HIS money and I was *laying on his leg* by not bringing in any income.
What the heck are you supposed to do?? I understand feeling guilty because you aren't bringing in any money, I've BTDT. But what the heck is their problem - they don't want you working, they want you home with the kids, but there's a double standard there? The money they earn is THEIR money alone?
Goes back to *in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better or for worse*. Marriage is teamwork, plain and simple. Your job as a mom and wife and housekeeper is an UNPAID job monetarily speaking. Too bad some of these men don't appreciate that. They really have it so easy, going out of the home to work and earn the money. They don't know the half of what it takes to do the job YOU are doing for no pay!
(((anon)))
If he hasn't been wearing his ring, says your no fun, & goes out a lot...is there someone else???
It doesn't matter how difficult a child is, guess what they are just a child. He is supposed to be the adult. Don't make excuses for his bad behavior towards your children.
A friend of mine had simular problems with her dh. She found daycare & a job. When he went out all night, she changed the locks. Basically she showed him she didn't need him, but let him know that when he grew up, she would be there because she loved him. It took a month & they have been through therapy & are happy now.
Do you love your husband?
Wow, your DH really does shock me. Not wearing his ring? A bit childish, ya think? His ring holds a lot more than just something to wear on his finger. If hes hanging out with the guys (some single), taking trips without you, taking his ring off when things dont go his way, it makes me wonder as well??? If he's saying how much you and your child are a burden to him, if hes lashing out at you in anger, if he claims he has no life and no friends... how can you be sure hes not out looking for that life he dreams of so bad (or atleast he makes it seem that way). I'm not saying go out and accuse him but maybe question him a bit more.
And taking his ring off should be NO form of punishment... and punishment for what? Wanting your DH to be part of the family, not always escaping it? I don't see you in any way being selfish. Your DH definitely wouldn't be happy in my house. My DH hardly ever gets boys time and it NEVER consists of going out to bars drinking, he doesn't go on trips without me, he doesn't even stay the night away from me unless works calls for that (Marine Corps). He realizes that we have a family and we come first, even if it sacrifices his "boys night out". He doesn't really have any single friends either because he realizes that most single guys live a completely different life than married ones.
You two need to come to some sort of ground as to whats okay and whats not. What you feel comfortable with and what you think he needs to do without.
Sorry i'm throwing a bunch of stuff out but I really feel for you. Maybe you can set a time where he needs to be home with no plans or anything just to talk. Let him know how important it is that you want this fixed. One thing: don't let him mess with your self esteem. I'm sure you're a great person. (((HUGS))) Let us know how everything is going.
"This is quite a lengthy punishment"... WHAT?!?! You shouldn't be "punished"! You've gotten wonderful advice so far, but do this... read your posts from the beginning, and imagine it was your best friend, not you, writing them. I feel so sad hearing the way you describe your marriage, I really hope things start to look up for you. I agree with Melissa, the boys' night out drinking and partying isn't what a father needs to be doing. Part of the breakdown of my marriage was the partying he did when he moved to TX. Hanging out with the single boys can get him into trouble!
I agree with eveyone above. You DO NOT deserve to be punished. It would make me wonder why he isn't wearing his wedding ring. My dh and I have gotten into spats where he leaves for awhile then calls on his cell & says he's sorry. But if he stayed out all night long with no explanation I would wonder if there was someone else. Counseling my help but you both have to be willing to try & make the marriage work. It just seems like he dosen't like being married any more and is may-be doing things to try to get you to leave him, then he won't look like the bad guy leaveing his wife and kids. That is just my opinion, I saw something simular happen with a friend whose husband was afriend of my husband and he came right out and told my dh that is what he was doing! They split up and we are no longer friends with him. My prayers and thoughts are with you and may-be your dh is just going through a phase. ((hugs))
This whole situation breaks down to your husband not being mature! Everything he is doing is childish. Hopefully he will change the way he deals with his family and stop trying to maniputlate you into believing that you are the horrible one! I think everyone has given you good advice, and now its time for you to do some soul searching..Goodluck
I am glad your are selfish. In this situation it is a self preservation tool.
I heard this advice on radio, Dr brown (wwor, i think)
She said you should decide if you want to be in the relationship or not. Pros and cons list.
If you want to end the relationship you need to figure out how you can do that and be self supporting. She also said to buy an interview suit or outfit if you want to look for a job.
If you decide to stay in the relationship and accept it for what it is then don't have a pity party. It is just a decision (short term or long term).
She said not to get depressed because it is your decision.
Thanks, for the advice and support everyone. I did make an appt with a counselor, that I will see tomorrow. I dont think my dh is interested in going again.
He is still ignoring me. Still no wedding ring. Still sleeping on couch.
We did talk last night for a bit and he said (again) that he is tired of how I act. If you remember I bit his head off on Saturday. I have apologized for this and admitted it was probably pms related. I dont know what else I can do.
He says that he will treat me nice again when he see's that I am improving in my behavior.
I explained to him this morning that this treatment he is giving me is not helping me feel like 'behaving' properly it is really upsetting me. He said maybe I just need to leave him alone for awhile?
Apparently I treat him badly ALL the time and he is tired of it. Thats his main complaint about me. He did admit that he could react to me differently and that might help.
I am just a little bit confused at this point and dont plan to talk to my husband until after I go to counseling for awhile. I am starting to agree with the person that said he probably is trying to make me leave him.
That could be what he's doing, but what he is also doing is trying to make you feel that everything wrong in your marriage is your fault. I have SO BTDT!! I'm not saying you are not partially at fault - you have to be willing to accept a certain percentage of the *blame* - but what he's doing is justifying his actions by making you feel it's YOUR fault he acts and reacts the way he does, and he is punishing you for it.
Please, keep your appointment tomorrow and urge him to go with you. I would ask him straight up if what he's doing is trying to make YOU leave HIM. If HE wants out of the marriage, he needs to be man enough to say so, and stop his passive/aggressive behavior.
He will be nice to again when you start to behave.... Are you a flipping dog? Hello wake up.
The guy is a major jerk & if wants out he needs to leave. I think you REALLY could use the therapy. You do not deserve to be treated like this & the longer you let him do this to you the worse it is going to get.
Does he hit? Does he hit the kids? What is it going to take to wake you up? You are better than this. Don't let him make you think you aren't. I will ask it again..do you love him? Are you staying there because you truly want the marriage to work? Are you staying there to punish yourself & the kids? Or are you staying there because you have no where else to go?
I have another friend who is in a simular situation but she dosen't have any kids. She calls and gripes about the way her husband talks to her and treats her. She has gained 45 lbs to make herself unattractive so he will stop accuseing her of cheating on him. I tell her she can vent to me all day and I will be a shoulder to cry on but I don't feel sorry for her because she must like being treated that way or she'd of left 3 yrs ago. I absolutely agree with Emily, your life is too short to be with somebody who dosen't appreciate you. You sound like a wonderful woman who probley knows what she wants but is to scared to go for it. You can Love him till the end of time but if he dosen't love you there is no point. Love only means something in a marriage if it is returned. Him disiplineing you and not wearing his ring and takeing off for days and talking about your child the way he does Does not show love the way a husband should. It's just my opinion & I could be wrong. I just hope you are ok no matter what decision you decide to make. Prayers from my heart to Gods ears for you!!
I very rarely post on marriage issues, BUT....
..."He says that he will treat me nice again when he see's that I am improving in my behavior. "
What a control freak!! You are a grown woman not a child. He doesnt' need to discipline you. This is not a love and logic lesson! How dare another adult much less a SPOUSE talk that way!!!
And the fact that you think you need to "improve" proves to me that this man is doing a major number on your head!!
I am so glad that you are getting counseling. You dont need to beg this man to treat you nicely.
..."He says that he will treat me nice again when he see's that I am improving in my behavior. "
And he doesn't have to improve his behavior?? He is like a little kid throwing a tantrum. Let us know what the counselor says today!
I went through something like this with my husband. We were married for almost 2 years. Most of his friends were single with no children (our child was 1 1/2 at the time). He told me the same things..you are a drag, we don't get to do anything..you don't let me go out without complaining. We were actually talking on divorce at the time. He would leave and stay at a friends some nights, if he slept at home, he would sleep in another room. Didn't watnt to talk about anything. Somehow we did pull through all of it. I really hope you too do too. We are now going on 7 years of being married--a little over 10 years together. I think my husband just saw that his friends were able to keep living the life he once lived before our child and buying a home and getting married, and he missed that and didn't want to stay in the relationship. Eventually he realized it was what he wanted. Now, we agree to disagree..we both say what we think and we leave it at that. Then we cook some dinner!! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Good Luck!!
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