Last night was a turning point in our relationship with my inlaws. Dh and I went out for about 45 minutes, apparently ds (11) and dd (6)started arguing, they were at my inlaws, who live next door, and my fil came out and told them to "shut up" - ds also told me he thought fil was going to grab him but mil kind of pushed fil out of the way and ds grabbed his stuff and bolted home (we were home at this point)

As a result of this, dh and I decided the kids can no longer go over there without him or I. We told them grammie is free to come over here to see them. This will change if fil comes over and apologizes, but I doubt he will. Dh went over and told his mother - his father had gone to bed - all of this and she thought we were being mean, Dh told her that my fil had never been a good father and that if after 80 years he still hasn't figured out the correct way to speak to children, he basically has lost the right to being around ours.

My youngest dd was hysterical. Ds was crying, but we both made sure that he knew it's not his fault this came to be and Dh told them both (I would have prefered he not tell my youngest this )that Pepe used to beat him with a belt and treat him the same way and that it is not ok, and it is our job to protect them from people like this, even if it's grammy and pepe.

I have not told my oldest yet because she was in Boston when this occured.

I think this is going to be the first step in "leaving the nest" and moving some place else. I am both sad it has to be this way but I know it's the right thing to do for ds and most likely Dh too. I can't believe they screwed up what could have been a wonderful opportunity for the kids and them. But I am certainly not going to live next door to someone who makes my son feel this way.

Anyways, now I have to break this to my 13 year old dd who is extremely close to my inlaws. She is going to flip out. I have about 1 1/2 hours before she gets home. Any advice?

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, June 16, 2004 - 01:56 pm:

Colette, you've been living next door to your in-laws for several years, right? Have there always been issues with Pepe or is this new behavior? How old is he? 80? How is his health? I love my own father (71) VERY much but hesitate to leave my kids in his care. Mostly because he simply does not have the patience to deal with them appropriately. This has become more of an issue the older he gets. We don't live close to my parents so this isn't something we have to worry about often. Are you seriously considering selling your house and moving? {{{HUGS}}}

By Colette on Wednesday, June 16, 2004 - 02:08 pm:

We've been living here for about 10 years. It was a perfect opportunity (or so I thought)...in-laws wanted a smaller house and the one next to them became available, so we bought it and they moved into it and turned their old house over to us (which we have essentially gutted, added on and redone from soup to nuts. They have always favored my daughters over my son and I have mentioned it and it gets better but not for long. To many times my ds has come home with a crumpled face because "Pepe, yelled at me", my mother in law is usually wonderful with them and my fil usually is ok but basically veges out in front of a tv in the evening. They weren't even in the same room as him when this last episode happened. His health is fine, he is still out mowing the lawn and chopping wood. Dh has wanted to move for a while but I think he feels guilty about taking the kids away from his parents. I think this is going to be the first step in figuring out where we really want to live. The whole situation is quite depressing.

By Fraggle on Thursday, June 17, 2004 - 08:14 am:

Colette, How did things go with your oldest daughter? Are you still planning on moving? It sounds like you could use some distance from your DH's family. I would just take a deep breath and make sure this is the right decision. If you haven't been happy with the situation for a while, then it is definitely time to start looking at moving on.

By Colette on Thursday, June 17, 2004 - 05:18 pm:

My dd actually took it better than I thought. They are all a little shocked but today wasn't to bad. As far as moving goes, I think it will happen but further down the road. Maybe though, my in-laws will realize we are serious and things will change....I doubt it though.. Dh is going to confront his father at some point, which I think he needs to do, and we'll see what happens after that. In the meantime, I am just going to keep the kids busy so they don't dwell on visiting grammie and pepe and support dh in any way I can.

By Cat on Thursday, June 17, 2004 - 06:26 pm:

I just want to applaud your dh for sticking up for his kids against the way his dad treats them and not continuing the cycle of how he was raised. (and with a Forrest Gump accent) "And that's all I have to say about that."

By Vicki on Thursday, June 17, 2004 - 08:11 pm:

This situation is very sad. I think it is a wonderful thing for kids to have a great relationship with their grandparents. Perhaps this is one of those things where they are "too close"? With seeing them all the time it is making him more comfortable correcting them? Sometimes a little distance is a good thing! I hope you can get this resolved one way or another! Good Luck!!

By Conni on Friday, June 18, 2004 - 03:09 pm:

I am not sure how I feel about your situation. I feel differently than everyone else and I almost feel bad posting my opinion. But I am going to anyway...

My first thought is -- my grandparents are 80. They are my kids great-grandparents and I wouldn't leave my kids with them, as I think they are too old to care for my crew(12,10,4). My parents are 60ish and I dont mind leaving my kids with them--they arent elderly yet.

Another thought I had-- even tho your fil is 80 and in 'good health', doesnt mean that his health couldnt go downhill quickly. I would hate to see you lose a relationship with them when they may not be alive very many more yrs. My Grandma was fine at 80, went downhill at 81, died at 82!! Dh's grandma died at 84, his Grandad died at 85. Just thought I'd throw that out there for you to consider.

Also, I guess I am pretty strict with my kids. But they are too be on there 'best' behavior when they are at my Mom's house. My Mom was a very strict mom, she did yell at us growing up and she did spank us. I dont hold that against her now. We dont spank our kids (oh we have before) but we normally use time outs for discipline. And yes I have lost it and yelled at my kids before. So I am not perfect and neither was my Mom or Dad. But we do all love the kids, we all want whats best for them and we adults are in agreement that the kids must mind, behave nicely, when they are visiting. My kids know my Mom has alot of rules at her house. And my mom cant stand to hear my boys arguing, whining, being competetive, etc... She has a small house and it gets loud in there real quick. The boys have come home before telling me how mean mema was, etc... But I quickly remind them, that 'mema wouldnt have gotten on to you if you had been behaving in the first place'... They cant argue with that.

Oh and I could never live next door to my parents or my in-law's. That would drive us all nuts. It may happen one day and then I will have to learn how to deal with it.

Ok those are just my thoughts...

I do hope you all work things out and everyone feels better about the situation soon.

By Feona on Saturday, June 19, 2004 - 06:47 am:

Sounds like a bad fight that will be fixed. Sounds like it is long term depressing? Family fight and make up. That is what is great about families.

Could be grandpa has high blood pressure and is losing his temper? My mom has a problem controling her temper when she has high blood pressure. I think maybe older people have a problem with their nerves as they get older.

Sounds like they may be too old to baby sit anymore. Maybe just whole family visits for awhile like you said.

By Colette on Saturday, June 19, 2004 - 11:30 am:

I am pretty proud that dh told his mother that it's not ok to tell a child to "shut up" or to make them feel afraid of being hurt physically by someone they love.

Dh still needs to confront his father about this and issues from when he grew up. I think if his father apologizes for treating my ds poorly and for beating the crap out of dh and his brother while his mother stood by and watched, then maybe we can heal this. I am sure my mil hasn't even told my fil what dh said. I am trying to support dh, keep civility when speaking w/my mil, and to let my kids know - not by rehashing what happened - that it's not ok for someone to treat you that way.

I really wish my fil would just 'man up' and apologize to dh and ds. Wouldn't it be nice if it happened before Father's day....

By Feona on Sunday, June 20, 2004 - 07:16 am:

It would be nice to get an apology. But it really doesn't make the abuse to your dh go away. It is just words and can't change the past or pain at all or damage.... But of course you only get one father....

By Colette on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 11:30 am:

I am still so disgusted with my inlaws. My mil told me that if dh apologized for hurting her feelings then fil will apologize to my son. WHAT??!! I told her they were two completely different issues and that I could not believe fil is going to let a little 11 yr old boy feel like this whole thing is his fault. I don't even care if he means the apology or not as long as ds feels like his grandfather doesn't hate him. I am just seething inside when I see my inlaws now. Thank goodness I have my family and they would never treat my kids, or any kid, like this. I will never, ever feel the same way about my inlaws. Sorry for the vent, but my son is hurting and if I don't vent here, I am afraid I am going to go off on my inlaws.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 02:26 pm:

Colette, vent away, that's what we are all here for.

I completely understand how you feel. I'm the first one to emerge with my claws out if someone hurts one of my kids.

I can't imagine *family* treating *family* that way.

By Colette on Monday, July 5, 2004 - 10:45 pm:

Thanks Karen, and if I needed to vent before, I need it more even now. My mother took my youngest dd for the night on Saturday and she told my mother that she and my other two kids were being punished and couldn't visit pepe anymore. When I talked to her about this she just asked me if Pepe didn't love them anymore and is that why all of this happened.