As you all know i have been working on losing weight now. I have become so different since i gained this weight. I am embarrased most of the time to just leave the house. I feel like people stare at me although i know its all in my mind! I hate to wear nice clothes cuz i feel like i look stupid in them. I hate my figure and just feel gross most of the time. My biggest problem is having sex. I can't do it, i can't bring myself to get through it and even thinking about it almost brings me to tears! My dh is SOOOO patient and never complains or pushes or hardly brings it up at all. Occasionally he will sit next to me and try to kiss me or hold me but i can't even handle that. The worst part is that if anyone deserves sex it is my dh! He is thoughtful and helpful and honestly doesn't care at all about my weight. My mom tells me how lucky i am to have a man that doesn't care at all. I know that i am but it still bothers me to be this way. Maybe if my dh did give me a hard time i wouldn't feel so bad about not having sex but he really does his best to avoid anything that makes me uncomfortable. I have tried at times to do it for him but i am on the verge of tears through the whole thing...if he sees that he stops and kisses me and tells me not to do this if i feel bad about it but i want him to feel loved and wanted. I don't want him to get the feeling that its him or my feelings for him are going away since its not that at all. I am working real hard to lose the wait but i don't want the poor guy to wait unitl i have lost 60 pounds! That could take some time, not to mention that we REALLY want a baby soon. I know having sex is the only way to do that but since i haven't had my period since August i don't think its an option at this point anyways. I have an appt with the gyn on June 7th for that issue. But in the meantime does anyone have any ideas about how to get me through this until i lose the weight? Has anyone felt this way?

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 09:11 am:

Kenna, first, you said you haven't had a period since August - why? Is there something going on that would cause your periods to stop?

I know excess weight will affect your self confidence and self esteem. And hormones, or lack of, will cause you to be emotional. You really do need to see your GYN.

Please remember, your husband loves YOU, not just your *shell*. Most of us have been bombarded with images of the perfect body being sexy for most of our lives. The fact is, a very small percentage of people have perfect bodies, and the body is NOT what makes you sexy. That pretty much comes from within.

I really don't have much advice to give you, but I wish you would consider counseling to get you through this tough time. Sex IS an important part of a marriage for BOTH partners.

The way I see it regarding the extra weight, it didn't appear overnight, so it won't go away overnight. IMO, the best thing you can do for yourself is make your effort every day to lose the weight, and at the end of the day, feel good about yourself for THAT DAY's effort, and know you are making progress. Your DH knows you are trying and accepts you - you just need to be able to accept yourself. I think that is your major block right now.

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Amecmom on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 09:45 am:

Karen has a good point, Kenna. I can only add my own experience and hope it helps in some way. I was always super thin. Food was never a problem for me because my metabolism was so high. I worked out and had a killer body. I was very proud of that. I could wear anything.

Then, I got married. Suddenly whatever had been working for me, stopped. I began to put on weight. Then I had my son, and I really put on weight. I would cry every time I had to get dressed to go anywhere, because nothing fit and nothing looked good. I had been a size 2 petite and now I was buying size 10! That's a big difference. I really didn't want to buy any clothes, because I hated myself. So, I looked like a slob most of the time. I didn't really care about myself at all.

Through that whole time, my husband supported me and tried to help me. I didn't understand how he could be turned on by the cow I had become, without thinking of the rock hard body I had once had. Didn't he feel like he was making love to a different person?

In a sense, he was. I had become a different person. Marriage, motherhood, these things changed me forever "inside" and he still loved me the same. Why shouldn't he still love me or be attracted to me if I had changed on the outside as well?

I really think there is some reason(s) other than your weight / body image that is causing your aversion. Try and see what other issues may be affecting your lack of desire and see if you can correct them.

Then, turn off your brain, have a glass of wine and enjoy being with your husband. He loves, you, wants you, then why question it?
Ame

By Ladypeacek on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 10:16 am:

Ame....I was the same way, when i met dh i had such a nice figure. Never a 2 but my frame is bigger but i was thin and had a nice figure. I feel like i let him down after ds was born and not only did i not lose weight but i have gained so much since we got here to England. When i was working i had a very physical job and worked most times 60 hour weeks. Now i am a sahm and feel like that plays a big part. I am working hard to lose it but its not always easy especially when everyone else in the house eats what i can't. I have done good the past few weeks and lost 6 pounds at last weigh in. I have always enjoyed sex with dh, he is loving and gentle and just perfect so this sucks! I have really considered seeing someone but it i am not sure about military psychs and how comfortable i would feel and going off base would be just as bad in another country. If anyone has ever talked to a military psych i would greatly appreciate hearing about a good experience, maybe to help me feel comfortable about it, even if you are anonymous.

By Ladypeacek on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 10:22 am:

Oh and to Ginny...i have been to the dr several times about my period, she has done blood tests for many things. Its not my thyroid and other things have been ruled out as well. SHe said my hormones were higher than normal but she can't find the cause for it, finally i begged her to send me upstairs to the gyn so she did, They are so busy up there i guess cuz i made the appt almost a month ago and its not even till June 7!!! I wonder sometimes if its my weight gain that has stopped my period cuz it was very very rapid. The dr gave me week of pregesterone in Feb to jump start my period and it worked but still never got it again since. I got pregnant with both dk's on birth control and we planned this baby so i got off and the month that i stopped using it (it was the new patch)was the same month my period stopped coming.

By Amecmom on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 10:27 am:

With all the hormonal stuff going on, that could be a big part of the weight gain and your lack of desire!!! It may not be psychological at all, but hormonal. Congrats on your six pounds! That's awesome.
Ame

By Kate on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 10:47 am:

Kenna, do they have weight watchers in England? I know two people personally who have been so helped by that organization. Also, do you do Flylady? She has a fitness/weight loss section and from what I know of you, you might be an excellent fit with her. Some will bash Flylady mercilessly, but truly she's great IF you want her help.

http://www.flylady.com/

Right under 'We Are Moving In May' she talks about the weight loss stuff. By 'moving' she means exercising. At least visit the site and read her stuff; she can be terribly inspiring, as are her faithful followers who write in with their testimonies!!

Good luck to you!

By Trina~moderator on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 10:54 am:

{{{Kenna}}} I agree with everying Karen and Ame have said above. I'd also like to second the fact that hormones can play a huge part in libido. BTDT. I hope you and your doctors figure it out and things improve soon. Your DH is a keeper! Fortunately mine was/is very helpful, supportive and understanding as well.

By Tink on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 12:28 pm:

Oh, Kenna! This is such a hard thing to deal with. It hits so close to home that you don't want to talk about it but is such an intregal part of your self-esteem and marriage. When I first joined this board and read your various posts, I thought you would be a person I would really like to be friends with. You obviously care a lot about, not only your kids, but children in general. You are encouraging, seem to have a strong faith, have a great creativity with your SS class and your daughter's party, find the humor in what your dks are doing to make you nuts and are such a strong person to be dealing with the situation with your daughter's father, being a military wife and making such a drastic move! It really sucks that you are so devasted by your weight when it is apparent that you are a really great person. The things that make you a great friend can be what a man finds sexy. It's obvious that your husband sees that, I wish that you could.I am glad to hear that you are getting checked out by the gyn because, like others said, hormones can be playing a huge part in this. If it doesn't go against your faith, I would also suggest a glass of wine and a quiet-as-you-can-get night to see if once or twice will help you see that it can be wonderful, even with the weight issue. Can you work up to it? Get comfortable kissing and carressing fully dressed? Then maybe laying on the bed and just enjoying each other with out feeling like you have to undress? Etc. If you try this I would let your dh know ahead of time so that he is aware that there will be a stopping point so he can also just enjoy the moment. I wonder of the sahm issue might be affecting your self image also. You mention that you worked a physical 60 hr job and if you are now feeling like you aren't contributing, that may be a blow to your esteem. I hope someone else has some other advice to you. I am so sorry that you are having such issues with this. Hugs for you!!

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 02:04 pm:

OK, yes, the first thing I say for physical conditions is see your doctor. Which you have done, and you have asserted that you want followups. Terrific.

You know that your dh is terrific and patient, and you know he loves "you", not, as someone above put it, the "shell". So telling you that certainly won't help. The only person who can convince you of this is you.

Yes, when you are a SAHM it is really, really hard to not eat the foods you shouldn't be eating when you want to lose weight. The only suggestion I can make is probably what you are already doing - keep lots of fresh veggies in the frig so when you get the munchies you much on a raw carrot.

You are losing weight now, so you have started. Are you also exercising? That will help a lot in terms of muscle tone, and when you lose weight you will find a lot of flab that needs tightening, so might as well start now. Some people find it helpful when they want to change habits to keep a diary. If that might work for you, you will have to write down every single thing you eat, including the last bite of potatoes from your dd's plate, or the last cookie - and, why you ate it. People who are reasonbly self-disciplined (I am not one of them) find having to write down each negative action (in your case, eating) helps them to postpone the action or just not do it.

I do think hormones could have a lot to do with it, especially as you say the rapid weight gain and stopping menstruation came in pretty much the same time frame. If it were me, I'd do some internet research on rapid weight gain, maybe wiht +hormones +female. I'd be curious to know if your move to England came in the same time frame? I know there is a lot going on with the British public that could make you feel uncomfortable, including the alert you told us of a week or two ago, and I am sure you are lonely. Not to mention that your dd has made friends with some kids who are real brats and whose parents - who would be your logical source of new relationships - are obviously NOT the kind of people you would want to spend time with. But since you have a less than two year old at home, I don't think you can get involved in volunteer activities right now. Maybe you could try to set up some playdates with other military wives in your region who have children not yet in school.

Lots of hugs, Kenna. And after you have worked through this - and I am sure you will - give your dh lots of hugs and tell him that the folks at MV think he is a real keeper.

By Emily7 on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 02:46 pm:

Kenna it took 8 years & 4 different tests to diagnose my thyriod problem. I was easily depressed, had weight gain, and a major bi**h. My periods were so weird, I would spot for 6 months & not have one for 1 1/2 years. I had to take b/c to regulate it. It took me over 5 years to get pregnant. I went from 130 pounds to 240 pounds. So don't rule out thyriod if these symptoms sound like you.

My dh was wonderful, he told me he didn't marry me for my looks, but because he loves me. I made him turn the lights off many nights, so he couldn't see me. I felt ugly & fat all the time. I still do sometimes.

By Ladypeacek on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 03:26 pm:

Thanks everyone!! I feel a little better. I tell my dh all the time how much i apprecite him, he really makes things as easy as he can for me.

Ginny...Here is the time frame
August 2003
moved to England (first place ever out of home city)
stopped using birth control patch
stopped having periods
started gaining weight (27 pounds that month)
got on a plane for the first time ever


so as you can see August was a HORRIBLE month for me. things have gotten better emotionally now that we are settled in and i talk to my mom alot. Its very hard to make friends here even with military wives, so much for us to do and until now i didn't drive but as the warmer weather comes in I am getting out more and will be going to the base gym in the evenings alone. I think the fact that i have NO alone time other than showering is making things hard too. I love my kids but sometimes i just need to get away! My ds is 22 months and i have been away from him for 2 hours not counting church time since he was born so you can imagine how much i need a break!


Tink...thank you so much for the things you said! You don't how nice it is to hear things like that! Especially when friends are scarce! Feel free to email me anytime!

I really appreciate everyones help and support, thanks!!!

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 06:58 pm:

Well, other than it being your first time on a plane, the rest of it makes sense. I agree with Emily, keep pushing on more and more thyroid testing - not just the blood test but also at least a radio-iodine takeup test.

Sounds to me like you have a combination of physical and emotional problems, and also sounds like you are working to address both. And the no alone time - oh do I remember that, and how crazy I got until I found some ways to get some time to myself.

And I agree, Tink said some very wise things (as well as very nice).

Hang in there.

By Melana on Saturday, May 29, 2004 - 10:54 pm:

Ok, MAYBE this will help, did you know that sex HELPS to lose weight? It burns 2000 colories or more each time, and it works out muscles that don't normally get worked out. So maybe if you think of it as part of your workout plan it won't be as bad?

By Momaroze on Monday, May 31, 2004 - 10:02 pm:

Lol, Melana!

Kenna I feel that way when I am a little overweight. Must have something to do with selfesteem. Your dh sounds like a wonderful man. My dh is wonderful too. In my case, it all has to do with me. I have to deal with my new emerging wrinkles now too!!! LOL

I can't wait for the day to arrive when you find out once and for all what is causing your health problems! Thyroid can be misdiagnosed for normal...happens often. Find out what your thyroid levels are to see for yourself if they are in the normal range. There is a whole lot of information regarding the Thyroid on the web, you know what to weed out. You can find out what the normal levels are....some doctors have different ideas of what is considered "normal range". Are you cold often, loss of hair, dry hair, tired, weight gain, lack of menses....to name a few. Good luck to ya!!!!