Has Anyone Ever Been Betrayed By a Friend?
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Has Anyone Ever Been Betrayed By a Friend?
I know I need to get past this somehow. I refuse to forgive her. Why should I? She’s not sorry. She will never apologize to me. She is completely and totally self centered and self righteous. I just need to move on with my life and accept this as a hard lesson in when not to trust someone.
To the point, the 15-yr-old son of my “best friend” molested my 6-yr-old son last August, and they live right across the street from us.
The details became available slowly over the period of about a month. He got caught with a girl my son’s age at church. His parents got him into counseling right away, and he admitted to having had some form of contact with my son, but didn’t give any details. I couldn’t get anything out of my son, and he didn’t seem too bothered by anything, but I asked that it be reported to the police anyway.
In the meantime, the girl at church told her counselor that several encounters had happened at church in a classroom toward the back of the building. This information kicked the church elders into gear. They stipulated that the teen boy MUST be supervised and must NOT be allowed to roam free among the other children. That worked for a couple of weeks because his dad kept an eye on him. But, one day, the dad stayed home, and the mom did not supervise him and did allow him to roam around freely. Parents complained, and the elders felt they were forced to forbid the boy from attending services at all. This pi%%ed the mom off so badly that she cut off all contact with the church family and vowed never to return until her son was allowed back. She told me that he needed spiritual guidance and therefore had to be allowed to go to church. However, she rejected all attempts by the elders to hold Bible studies and devotional services in their home.
She and her dh also told me that they don’t get why the elders have singled out their son, because sin is sin, and every sin is the same in God’s eyes, no sin is any different than any other. (These are 44-yr-old adults who have spent their entire lives being raised in a church.)
I explained to them that this sin had touched far too many other people, that their son had betrayed the trust of the entire church congregation, since he was in training to be a camp counselor and a youth leader. Until he faces the congregation, is repentant, admits his sins and asks for forgiveness, they are not obligated to welcome him back. Furthermore, the elders have a responsibility to protect the other children.
Her reply to me was, “I get that, but, honestly, I don’t care about the other kids, all I care about is [my son].”
Later, when my son was interviewed by the police detective, he spilled ALL the beans. There was an attempt at penetration, and when that didn’t work, the teen punk (excuse me - “perpetrator“) masturbated in front of my son. The detective went on to tell me, out of range of my son’s hearing, that there had been a complaint filed against this boy, as recently as a few months before, in relation to another investigation he had been conducting into a family where the kids were molested by their parents, and several other kids were involved. He could not pursue his investigation any further because the punk’s (perp‘s) mom had refused to allow him to be interviewed.
My “friend” refused to face the fact that her son could be so bad. She even asked me, “Are you sure [your son] wasn’t confused?”
I said, “No, he was very graphic in his explanation. Besides, where else would he get this kind of description?”
She did say she was sorry that this had happened to my son. But, I had to call her on her behavior and her attitude regarding her son’s consequences. She still refused to allow him to be interviewed by the police.
So, I said to her, “I get the feeling you are trying to protect him”
She Said, “Oh yes, I am.”
I said, “YOU HAVE TO STOP.“
She said, “I’m not ready to do that, yet.“
I said, “You HAVE to. You have to let go and let him accept all the consequences he’s got coming to him. With you protecting him like this, he won’t learn anything, and he could be dangerous. You have to think of his future victims. You have to protect THEM. Otherwise, he could end up in prison by the time he’s 25. You need to face reality.”
She said, “What do you want me to do?”
I said, “I want you to stop protecting your son.”
To which she replied, “I will ALWAYS protect my son.”
I wasn’t ready to let her off the hook. I couldn’t go on listening to her whining, excuses, and defensive attitude when my family, the other family, and the church were the real victims. So, I said, “Well, then, I guess we can’t be friends anymore.”
She said, “okay” and hung up the phone. That was last October, and I haven’t spoken to her since.
The teen plead guilty in January to criminal sexual conduct and was sentenced to probation, community service, and treatment in an Adolescent Sex Offenders Treatment Program. He is remanded to the “custody” of his parents, for whatever that’s worth, and attends counseling once a week.
My son went to counseling for a while, but the counselor, his teacher, and even the detective who interviewed him said that he seems to be handling this all very well. I think getting it off his chest did him wonders.
The other girl, however, is a different story. She has been so traumatized that she will NOT reveal any of the details of her encounters with the punk (sorry- “perp”.) I have become close to her mom, and she said that the spark of joy that used to be in her eyes is gone.
It’s no wonder the punk is messed up. His mom has a long history of depression and destructive behavior, beginning as far back as 1991 when she lost three members of her immediate family in a car accident. She never went to therapy because they “couldn’t afford it.”
She took anti-depressants and resorted to self-medication with food and sleep and bitter mood swings resulting in psychological abuse on her family, an episode of which I witnessed one day when she told her kids that she wished she could kill them all and be done with it.
Her weight topped 565 lbs until her gastric bypass in 2001. She has only lost 180 lbs since her surgery, as far as I know, and she still gets around on her motorized cart and does a minimum of housework.
Her family consists of the “perp”, who is the oldest, a 13-yr-old boy who weighs around 350 lbs, and a 12-yr-old girl, who is pushing 200 lbs, and her husband, who works 2 jobs so that she can stay at home and plant her
a%% on the couch all day. You can never get a hold of her on the phone because she sleeps all day while the dh is at work and the kids are at school.
She has made a way of life of asking for handouts. She uses her limited mobility as a “handicap” and garners sympathy and charity. When they were still attending church, they raided the benevolence pantry every week and accepted numerous cash handouts as well as physical labor. Church members did everything from performing car repairs free of charge to paying for and removing part of the roof on their home to get it ready for a roofer to replace it. Another member gave all members of the family haircuts free of charge, as if it would have done her any good to ask to be paid. Once when the power company shut off their service for non-payment, she called and had it reinstated because she said she was “handicapped” and couldn’t go without it.
Living across the street, my dh and I were asked to lend them everything from a stick of butter and a cup of milk to our car and our charcoal grill. We even GAVE them a lawnmower, which they rendered inoperable somehow, so now they borrow another neighbor’s mower EVERY time they mow the lawn.
SO, I am still very angry with her.
She has fought for control of everyone in her family, including her husband, and has forced her illness on them.
She KNEW her son was capable of something, and she refused to face it and placed MY son in danger by not telling me about it and allowing her perp-son to baby sit my son unsupervised.
She had absolutely NO respect for the pain and suffering anyone else was going through. All that mattered was what SHE was going through.
They say that a person’s character is revealed by their actions in the face of adversity. She has revealed her true character.
I CAN’T BELIEVE I didn’t see this about her before in the 4 years I was friends with her.
I continue to pray for her, as hard as it is, that she will come to terms with the far-reaching consequences of her actions as a parent as well as her son’s actions. As a parent, she has a moral obligation to force him to answer to each and every one of his victims. Granted, she has the legal right not to do so. However, legal rights and moral responsibilities are often two very different, very independent ideas. By not assuring that justice is served by each of his victims, she has abdicated her moral obligation to those victims, succeeded in protecting him from the consequences that are due him, and has failed him as a parent. Therefore, her son might not ever truly learn from any consequences, nor might he learn how to fend off temptation into his adulthood. This could result in additional atrocities for future children and more severe consequences for their son. These are the risks BOTH parents are knowingly taking because they refuse to face certain truths about their son and about themselves as parents and as Christians.
Thank-you for allowing me to express myself to you. I welcome any feedback you might have, even if I don't agree with it.
(((Anon)))
I sit here with nothing to say due to the fact that I can say how I think I would feel and handle it, but I really don't know unless I were in your shoes. Anger would be my hugest emotion.
My prayers go out to you and your family.
My only advise is please seek any type of counseling for your son at whatever age it is needed.
I know this sounds like strange advise, dh works with troubled youth, some are sexually molested and everything seems fine for years and one day something just strikes a cord.
I can tell you by what you have written that nothing might ever change in their family if family members protect family members. However, something may happen to this young man if charges are brought up against him, which if the police are involved it is most likely to happen. Were the charges that brought against him your case or another case? I was unclear about that. And if were not your case could you bring up charges? Anything to stop this person. I know that you wrote he is in his parent's custody, but I hate to say this but if he did it twice he most likely did it more than that and will do it again.
It is scary and I am sad to say I would be afraid for any child to be alone with this young man
I can tell you from experience that what Marg says is true. I was molested by my Grandmothers boyfriend at age 5. Even though I knew what happened to me & told some one years, later it haunted me. I was put on anti-depressants & went through some pretty major therapy. I finally figured out that I was letting him win by allowing it to control me.
She thinks she is helping him, but what she is actually doing is telling him its okay. I would worry about his brother & sister what is being done to protect them? How dare her allow other children to go through this. I have to wonder who she is really protecting...where did he learn it?
I will pray for you & his other victims. I will also pray for him, because he will need it. Some day he is going to be put in jail & they don't like child molesters there.
(((HUGS)))
When he reaches puberty, this will all seem different to him. He will need to be reminded that there is nothing wrong with him, that it was not his fault, and that it's normal to be confused and even angry at his perp. I agree, he may need extra counseling in the future.
As for your "friend', do your best to keep your chin up. Keep praying, and rely on your church family for strength. You are all in this together.
Urrrgh!!!!
Messed up badly. What demons lie in this ladies closet. I feel your anger, frustration and pain, certainly not to the extent you do.
I have had my share of betrayal within my own family. Nothing has ever touched my children though. I don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes.
((((HUGS))))
First of all, hugs to you and your family for having to deal with this horror. I agree with keeping you son in counseling and making sure he comes out of all of this okay.
It certainly does sound, from your side of the story, that she has a very dysfunctional household and has failed him as a parent. However, unfortunately, you can do nothing about that. The one thing you can do is make sure he is registered with the authorities as a child molester and that the area neighbors know this, but NOT in a vengeful or spiteful manner, but just as a safety precaution for those with small children.
Finally, I would suggest some counseling for you to be able to deal with your understandable anger and move on. You mentioned church involvement a lot, so if you are a Christian then you do understand that you need to forgive her. As Christians, we are instructed to forgive not only if someone repents or asks for forgiveness, or only forgive certain sins, but forgive EVERYTHING regardless of the situation or the other person's level of remorse. Right now you are devastated and angry and don't want to forgive, but you can begin praying for God to give you the desire and ability to forgive. It can happen...I know! When I was in college and my dad had an affair I was very bitter, angry, and hurt. I could NOT forgive him and didn't want to. Over a period of several months I began to pray for a desire to want to forgive my dad, and God had the audacity to impress upon me that not only should I forgive my dad, but "the other woman." Huh!!?? No way, God. Anyway, after much prayer and arguing with God I was ultimately able to forgive them both and it was a time of incredible emotional healing for me. You can get there too! Remember that your anger and bitterness toward her and her son ar having no affect on her at all, it is only hurting you. Prayers for you and your family.....
PamT and others
Thanks for the support.
I have told two neighbors who have told two other neighbors.
It gets worse. My son is friends with two boys who are neighbors, brothers, one 7, the other 9, and their older brother, 15, is friends with the perp. I HAD to tell their dad. The perp is bound by court order not to have any contact whatsoever with my son and not to be left unsupervised with younger kids.
The other nieghbor I told is also the mom of another one of my son's friends, and she has an older dd who is 12. One day, I saw the perp talking to her dd and walking in the direction of her house. When they disappeared around the corner, I immediately got on the phone and called the Victims Rights Advocate at the prosecutor's office, and she connected me to the perp's Probation Officer. Nothing came of it, but the family has to realize that I am keeping an eye on the kid.
It might not be so hard to deal with my anger if I didn't have to be so vigilant against the perp. After all, the mom spends all her time on the couch in front of the TV. She isn't doing anything to keep an eye on him. She belives him when he says where he's going and who he's with. That's what the PO said. "He is cooperating fully with his sentence." RIGHT!
I'd love to move, but our credit is poor. We just refinanced some debt into our mortgage, and our interest rate is a full percentage point lower. Our credit will be "healed" in a couple of years, so then we can make plans to get the he!! out of here.
I worked with someone who was in a simular situation, the "perp" was her babysitter's son, he is 15. They believe he had been molesting their daughter since she was 4 months or so and would get these unexplained diaper rashes, well when she was four she was bleading and they took her to the ER and she told everything (they also found out it happened to several others). Nothing happened to this boy either and HIS MOM STILL BABYSITS!
I feel for you, I think you are doing right in telling the people in your neighborhood. Please keep it up.
((hugs))
oh honey I am sooo sorry for your son ! *HUGS* to all of you. I wish that i had something to say to help. I will think about your son & hope that he will make it through this ! & for your family too !
Prayers for your son, and for you. The best prayer I ever heard was simply, "God, give me strength."
I agree, you are right to tell your neighbors, as they will not know to protect their children unless you tell them. And if you can stand to do it, call the probation officer each time you see him doing something that you think is a violation of the parole terms, and, if it were me, I'd also notify the prosecutor's office (in my area it is the District Attorney). If there was a plea bargain resulting in probation, the prosecutor's office had to have been involved at some point, and if he is violating his parole and his parole officer is not doing anything about it, the prosecutor's office might. Unhappily, probation officers have really heavy case loads and even if they are trying their best, just have far too many people to supervise to be able to really stay on top of things. But when children are at risk, I think any legal step is justified to protect them.
(((Hugs))) and prayers for you and your son. I think you've gotten some good suggestions here.
I won't type what I think should be done to the boy and his family - most definately unChristian - and I know I wouldn't even think about forgivness, so the fact that the word is even in your mind is something.
Prayers that he doesn't harm another child.
Thank goodness the police know about the boy now so they can track him. Hopefully he can be cured? I don't know how though. What a mess for everyone.
First,
I have to say you are such a strong person!
I would have to second Colette in saying, if that was my neighbor.....some un christian actions would truly enter my mind!
I too, know that boys are much better at hiding their feelings and your son may still need some counseling. It is very easy to "not talk about the occurence" and sweep it under the rug because it is soooo uncomfortable. Just remember that it will affect your son forever, even if he shows no out right signs. Just writing this post brings tear to my eyes. It makes me so sick that the parents that try their hardest to be great moms and dads suffer at the disfunctions of such creepy, f&^*#@$ individuals!
Please email me if you feel comfortable.
Truestori @ adelphia.net...(no spaces of course)
Many e hugs
After reading your post, I can certainly feel for everything you have said. It is a terrible thing that has happened to your DS and others. The boy should be punished.
But, I'm curious about your initial question - "Have you ever been betrayed by a friend?" How do you see your friend betraying you? Her son committed a terrible act against your son, that is crystal clear. But, did you expect her to throw her son to the wolves and not be there for him, no matter what?
I understand that as a parent you have to take responsiblity for your child's actions. But, you knew this woman for quite a long time, you knew ALL her other shortcomings before her son did anything. Did you not know she was a lacking parent before this? Why are all these things bothering you only now that her son has committed a crime against you?
I am not making any bones about the fact that what this boy did is WRONG. But, wouldn't you stand by your children? Would you go around tell people that "Oh, by the way, my son is a perverted criminal. keep your child away from him"? She's a mother (a bad one, yes) but a mother. She apologized. You didn't accept it. You don't speak anymore. Done. Your job now is to keep your child away from hers, and to inform others who may be in harm's way. Your anger should also be more directed at the slap on the wrist he received for pleading guilty to his offenses.
My prayers are with you.
I sort have a similar situation and from what I can gather the parents of the offender stay in denial a long time. And then when there's accusations, they defend their cubs. If they don't, who will? It takes a certain type of parent to "sacrifice" their own child for the well-being of other, often unknown, children. And, your neighbors (and my neigbors) are not that type of parent.
All I could do is cease all contact with the family. I told a few neighbors to watch out for their offender child (who is only 10, by the way, and targets peers, which makes the situation more complicated). Most, not all, didn't believe me. Unlike your neighbor family, my neighbor family is well-regarded, well-bred, well-respected people who send their kids to Catholic school. When I told them what their son was up to they waved it off.
So, what can you do? I know what I saw with my own eyes. I saw the pattern over the years. My son talks to me. Other kids talk to me. I know what I know and because of that we have ceased all contact with the family.
It's been a year now. I see this offender heading to sleep overs. I see him going off with friends. How can I respect or like or be friendly with these parents when they know how their own son is and yet they allow him to go to sleepovers?
The lesson here, I think, to anyone reading this thread is to understand that these offenders are not some creepy guy lurking around the corner. These offenders are your neighbors, your childrens' classmates, the baseball coach, the babysitter, the youth director, the jr. camp counselor. Just as the parents of the offender can be in denial, so can the parents of the victims.
((((HUGS))))
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
To the anonymous poster,
You made some good points, and I thank-you.
I AM angry at myself as well. I should have known that she would react the way she did. She has always been in denial about herself and her own accountability as an individual regarding the state her life and her family is in. Everything happens "to" her. She is always a victim of some circumstance. She has never admitted any responsibility for the way she is. I should have known it would come to this.
I have a habit of choosing friends who are needy emotionally. About 10 years ago, I one accepted a girl into my home, "temporarily," until she got on her feet. After a year of being used, I finally sat down with her and said, "I think it's time for you to start looking for a place of your own."
The next day, she left and told all our mutual friends that I had thrown her out on the street.
They, of course, knew better than to believe her. They must have seen her for what she was before I did.
She was no friend, either.
I haven't told my parents any of these things because my dad tried to get me to see early on in my childhood that you shouldn't allow people to take advantage of you. I allowed it to happen, anyway. Twice now.
I feel betrayed by my "friend" because she chose to sacrifice all of the people in her life who have cared about her and supported her for the sake of protecting her son. She did apologize for what happened to my son, but she took no consideration for how her OWN actions affected those who had cared about her. She threw us all away like dirty rags. The church family, with whom her dh grew up, and who supported her for more than 12 years; me, I helped her clean her house (which was no easy task) earlier last year when Child Protective Services was called because of the condition of the house, as well as coming to her aid countless times when she needed something, whether it be emotional support or an errand run; the family of the other victim, whose dh was called anytime there were handy-man repairs to be made. We all prayed, helped, and supported them, and worshipped with them. She spit on us all with her attitude as though we were full of s#$% when we tried to get her to understand that what her son did was terribly terribly wrong, and that we must find out the truth about EVERYTHING he has been up to and make him face it. She was trying to protect him, perhaps from himself.
I must delve into the forgiveness idea a bit more. I would like to read some specific Bible passages regarding forgiveness, especially when some one has been wronged by some one who isn't repentant.
Thank-you all for your support and hugs.
Reading these posts has brought tears to my eyes, that you could have so much compassion for someone you don't even know.
First off I offer you and your son my prayers. I can't say anything more than others have said about the situation. I also worry for her son because this tends to be a pattern that repeats itself. I am really wondering if he isn't a victim of something too and didn't get the help he needed and is now just doing what he knows. I know that doesn't make it right by any means, but it might explain some of it. I have a strong feeling that he too was molested or something similar and he will be in my prayers too.
We had a sort of similiar situation in the neighborhood. (Peeping tom who happened to be mental disabled.) They ended up moving.
My prayers and thoughts are with you. I think in order for you to forgive and to heal from this, you need to stop making it such a huge focus in your life. You are not this boy's keeper, his mother's keeper or the neighborhood kids' watchdog. You have informed neighbors. You have lived through enough of this tragedy and it has affected you son's life, possibly deeply, possibly not at all, time will tell.
I think this eats at you because you watch for the boy and you put too much energy into hating his mother. Hate only hurts the person who hates. The object of the hate, in this case, is not affected.
Your children now not to have any contact with this boy, so they are safe now. Your immediate neighbors know about him as well. Your job now is to help yourself by letting this go and making an effort not to watch to see what this boy is doing, and making a big effort not to even think about this woman. You cannot change her or her son, but you can make your life better by getting them out of your mind and heart and soul. Easier said than done, yes. But, it can be accomplished little by little, one day at a time. Good Luck and prayers for strength and peace.
Ame
Great advice, Ame!!
Lots of great advice here! I just wanted to emphasize a few points. I agree that this woman has a serious case of denial. That's VERY common, not just with this issue, but with any issue involving a child. It seems from what you posted that you are fighting her natural instinct as a mother to be in denial (first stage of grief) and personalizing it to being about your friendship with her. I think that recognizing that she is in pain too is the first step towards you being able to forgive her. Forgiveness is NOT about accepting someone's apology. It's about being able to dig deep and find it in your heart to forgive your ENEMIES. It's a long process, but if you are able to get to that point, you will be able to let go of all that anger you are feeling that is eating you up. You are in pain too-for your son. But it is different from your friend's pain. Perhaps, the best thing is to allow each other to heal separately. She didn't hurt your son. Her son did. I hope that you will be able to forgive her, for your own sake (not hers). Forgiveness heals the one who is angry, as others have said. I think counseling is a great idea as well, both for you and your son.
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