Okay, welcome back to my nightmare.....

Dh went to do some 'sidework' yesterday...I stayed home with my dd, step-kids are at their mothers....nice day basically....but I think I'm PMSing and I just got weepy before I went to work. I was still that way when DH got home. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't him. It was just me. I finished getting ready and went to work. He called me at work 2 or 3 times 'to make sure I was okay'. He kept saying stuff like he was afraid I was going to leave him because I hated his kids. I kept telling him I don't hate his kids. I hate some of the things they do but I don't hate THEM....or him.
When I got home (around 10:30) he had Savanna in bed and walked out to the car to greet me (this is different) walked me inside...he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie and which one did I want to watch? I told him the one he was watching was fine. So we watched the rest of the movie he was watching and then we went to bed. He was happy. He was smiling........he wanted to have sex (keep in mind we'd had sex the night before)....I was tired, my legs hurt, my back hurt. I just wanted to kiss him goodnight and go to sleep...after all, it WAS 11:30. Once he found out I just wanted to go to sleep it all went to ****. He starts talking about how I hate his kids again. How I make him wish they never came here to live. How I can't stand anything they do, blah, blah, blah. I don't even remember everything he said cuz I turned into this crying basket case.
Anyway, I used to subscribe to this second wives club website that is just a bunch of step-mom's pretty much....some of the advice I had gotton there was to 'disengage' which I did for a while until it started affecting me and my stuff, as well as MY daughters. While I was talking to dh last night he brought up my disengaging thing...so I told him...two years ago when they moved down here I was working in a restaraunt near here and usually once a week we'd go out after work and get a beer (******* **** bar 5.3 miles from my house) He used to get really bent out of shape. I can remember him telling me that he wanted a wife who was going to be here to help him raise his kids. (okay...i DID marry a package) so I quit going out. I pretty much don't go anywhere anymore without him. I reminded him of this last night and do you know what he said?????????????
I DON'T NEED ANY HELP RAISING MY KIDS!
So, do I go back to the disengaging thing? What do I do with this???? I want to move out!!!! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being put through a bunch of crap cuz I don't want to have sex. The girls come back from their mother's today. Any suggestions???

By Ladypeacek on Sunday, May 23, 2004 - 03:43 pm:

WOW...I don't know what to say except you really need to get out without him some! I think to have a healthy marriage it is a necessity to spend some time with your own friends doing your own thing. My dh saw that when we moved here i was lonely and stuck in the house so he told me the wives were having a womans night out and wanted me to go! We had a good time and it was a relief to get out without kids and just be girly. Don't have sex when you don't want to, i mean i guess we all do at times but only on occassion to please dh but not if its demanded or expected, don't let him make you feel like your doing something wrong by not doing it. You really need to take control of your life and take a stand for yourself! Don't be pushed around, if you want to stay married then do it under compromised conditions not his conditions and make that clear, don't be pushed around anymore. As long as you let him make you feel this way he will use it to his advantage.

By Tink on Sunday, May 23, 2004 - 03:57 pm:

IMO, you and DH really need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Not at 11:30 at night when you've already had an emotional day and not when he's pouting because you didn't have sex with him. I would just say "I feel really mixed up about the role you want me to play in the lives of you and your kids. If you want me to be a parent figure and have the authority to discipline then you need to back me up. If you want me to be understanding of your sexual needs then I need you to look at the type of day I've had and think about whether I am going to enjoy this." Sex is not just about him and my DH didn't get it that sex wasn't something I wanted to have with anyone, not just him, when I was tired until I sat down and said it flat out. I told him that I wasn't trying to hurt him but I knew that he felt rejected when I told him I didn't want to. He didn't like it at first but I just asked him and he says it's a lot easier than hearing it night after night. I would make sure that your DH realizes that you don't know what he expects from you and that you need him to spell it out for you. When he does, I would say that I was willing to do ___ and ___ but I need ____ in order to be the best mom and wife that I can be. If problems arise in the future you can say when we talked you said that I could do this and that and I have. If the rules change, there needs to be another sit-down to figure them out together.

By Emily7 on Sunday, May 23, 2004 - 04:42 pm:

I agree with Cori, you need to talk when you are in the right mindset. Sometimes I make notes so I don't end up not making sense & remember all I need to say!

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, May 24, 2004 - 06:14 am:

I agree you probably need a heart to heart, but I think you also need counseling if you are going to keep this marriage - for you and dh as a couple, and some family counseling involving all the kids. Sounds to me like there are some deep-rooted problems having to do with expectations around a lot of things - sex, the kids, "free time", and more. I suspect that you have a lot more issues that either of you know are able to identify, and that a mediator (which a counselor can be) can help you identify them and fight fair as you work them through.

And if dh won't agree to counseling, I urge you to go by yourself to help you get an outside, neutral, trained view of the situation and help identify your issues and some of the family issues.

By Debbie on Monday, May 24, 2004 - 09:51 am:

Well, here is my two cents worth. First, I think you should decide if you want to leave or stay and work things out. You need some time ALONE where you can really think. If you want to work things out then you and dh really should have a heart to heart. I would strongly suggest counseling. I also agree that you need family counseling with all the dks. I think it is very hard to blend a family. Everyone needs to know their role and what is expected of them.

One point I want to mention in defensive of you dh. I think from one of your previous posts that you have told him that you were thinking of leaving??? I was in your position a few years ago in my marriage. It was horrible and we were always fighting. Dh would not go to counseling. It got so bad I told him I was thinking of leaving. It only made things worse. He finally agreed to counseling and during one session it came out that he was so miserable after I told him that. It made him doubt everything he did. Whenever I reacted in a negative way to anything, he thought I would leave. He was just nervous and anxious after that. He also got very defensive and took everything personally. Not until he agreed to counseling and we agreed that we would do anything to make our marriage work, did it get better. This is not an excuse for your dh's behavior, but it might be why he is acting the way he is.

Good luck to you. I hope you can work things out. I have a lot of respect for you. You have a lot to deal with.

By Palmbchprincess on Monday, May 24, 2004 - 03:46 pm:

I just wanted to give some e-hugs. I have no advice, but the advice above is great. I wanted you to know I was thinking about you, and feel free to vent here anytime!!