Does anybody else ever worry about "bothering people".. What I mean is, I have no problem when friends ask me for favors(and they never overdo it). But yet, I have a hard time asking friends for favors.. I always feel like "Oh I dont want to bother so and so"...If I have a problem Im upset about and really want to talk.. I never call anybody, as I worry about "bothering" people. Ive realized Ive been like that most of my adult life. Now that Im pregnant, and really dont like taking my daughter to drs appointments, I felt like I did have to "ask" people for favors. But, I try to work out all dift ways I could just bring her with me. Sometimes I do, but she was such a little terror last time. After having all those miscarriages and all, I had to ask alot of people for "favors"...and it really was hard for me.
Last night I babysat for these 2 little girls. I knew them from My daughters preschool, one girl was 4 1/2 (same as my daughter)the sister was 20 months old. I really only know the mother from just picking up and dropping off at school. Though they do live 3 streets behind me. We only really chat at school. Anyways, I was a little suprised when she approached me about watching her girls.. Not mad, just suprised and happy I guess. I mean she must trust me enough to watch them although we have never really gotten together. Everything worked out well and the girls were with me for 4 hrs. We took them to McDonalds, we played in the backyard, played in the house. It was actually alot of fun. The couple went to a dinner party they were invited too. And Im so glad they got to go out. She kept insisting that she wanted to watch my kids one weekend so me and my husband could go out etc.. And, I kept playing it off, "Oh its no big deal", "all the kids had fun".. I went on to say that we hardly ever go out alone(Thats the truth, probably 1-2 times a yr). But, I couldnt see myself asking her to watch my kids. Its not because I dont trust her, its that "OH I dont want to bother them", "They are probably busy on the weekends".."Oh, my kids might be really bad for them"(Ok just my daughter , not worried about my son"...

Does anybody else have a hard time with stuff like that, Or am Ijust plain crazy?

By Mommmie on Sunday, May 16, 2004 - 04:42 pm:

My mother has this issue and I work hard to not get it from her. I think it's related to low self-esteem.

My mother won't make outbound phone calls bec she's afraid of interrupting somebody. I turn it around for her and remind her she hates *getting phone calls bec she's essentially anti-social and hates people and so she assumes everyone else does too. I tell her, you have friends who would like to hear from you. (I call them for her.)

When I was growing up I wasn't allowed inside anyone's house bec my mom felt like I would be bothering them. She sent me the message, I'm not worthy of being liked by others. No one wants me around. Luckily, I recognized fairly young that my mother had issues from her mother beating her down every day and I wasn't go to fall for it.

It takes confidence and a healthy self esteem to ask for help. Sure, someone may say No. Sorry. I can't take your kids this Saturday night. But, you have to be able to handle the rejection enough to ask again to them or someone else. To not take the rejection personally. To know you are worthy enough and valued enough that someone else is willing to take some of their time to help you out.

That's just me guess. I could be wrong!!

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, May 16, 2004 - 05:21 pm:

I had this problem, and finally figured it out - and passed this on to my youngest, who also doesn't want to be a "bother".

You know how good you feel when you do someone a favor? It feels really good, doesn't it?

So why not allow someone else to have the same pleasure? If she offered, why not let her feel she is "even" with you. Otherwise, she will feel she owes you, which is not a nice feeling.

By Tink on Sunday, May 16, 2004 - 05:32 pm:

I have this same problem. I also think it's related to self-esteem. My mom does think it's a bother for me to ask her for anything and now I don't like to ask anyone for anything. One thing that has helped me get beyond this, sometimes, is to remind myself that I really like feeling useful to other people and I like the social interaction I get when I'm helping people out but they will stop asking if they feel like they don't ever repay the favors to me. It also helps balance out the couple of friends I have that will take advantage of the fact that I enjoy helping them out. You aren't the only one out there feeling this way. HTH

By Jackie on Sunday, May 16, 2004 - 05:45 pm:

I do agree its related to self-esteem. Ive always had very low self-esteem for as long as I could remember.
Im like that with my kid.. Expecially with my 4 yr old. She loves to talk to people, and Imean everybody.. Im always whispering "leave that lady alone,she doesnt want to be bothered etc..". For a long time I didnt like my son going to other peoples houses for that exact reason. Ive gotten better about it though, and he is now aloud to go to friends houses who live on our street.
I do believe it stems from how I grew up. I was the youngest. And, alot of times I had to ask my dad(my mother never drove, and dad worked 6 days a week)could he drive me somewhere on the weekend. Or I would ask my older brothers... They would always complain first, then agree..I remember how guilty I felt asking them as I would always get the complaint before they would say yes.. I think that has stuck with me..

By Amecmom on Sunday, May 16, 2004 - 07:24 pm:

I also do not like asking for favors, but it has little to do with self-esteem and everything to do with independence. I've never been one to ask for anything. If something needs to be done, I find a way to do it myself. It took a while to get letting my husband do the typical guy things around the house because I was always so used to being self-reliant.

You've done this lady a favor by watching her kids. Now, let her return the favor. Ask her to watch your kids when you have your next OB appt. I know it's no fun taking a kid to one. Or take her up on an evening and go out with your husband before the newest arrives.

You also have to look at a favor in the spirit in which it is offered. FOr example, a friend offered to watch my son when I have my OB appts. and in the next breath told me how she dragged her children to her's. What kind of offer was that? You can bet I won't be asking her to watch him (I've taken him with me to all of them so far).
Ame

By Bobbie~moderatr on Sunday, May 16, 2004 - 09:53 pm:

Jackie, You have gotten good advice I just wanted to chime in and say I agree. It is all a state of mind. It might feel uncomfortable at first but like with anything else with time that will fade. Ask her if she would mind keeping the kids for your OB appointment. Taking young kids to something like that is very trying on the nerves to say the least. LOL

Big hugs to you Jackie....

By Trina~moderator on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 07:01 am:

I tend to be like Ame. I like to be independent and do all I can on my own. If and when I do ask for help I really need it!

In your case, in this particular situation, I would be hesitant simply because I don't know the mom very well. I only ask very close friends and relatives to watch my kids. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking a casual mommy friend. KWIM? Nothing to do with not wanting to bother her. Could that be part of it for you?

By Jackie on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 07:27 am:

Trina
Im like this with close friends too(we have no family here, so they simply cant watch my kids). I have several close friends who will say "oh drop the kids by etc..", but even with friends Ive known for over 7 yrs Im still hesitiant to ask people for favors...I was just using this casual mommy friend as an example, as it was recent.
And, hiring a teenage babysitter isnt an option. I simply dont trust teenagers with my kids. Just call me paranoid..lol

By Karen~moderator on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 07:43 am:

My friend and I were discussing this same thing this past week. Both of us are the kind of people who pretty much insist on doing everything ourselves, and if we ask for help, it's because we REALLY NEED it. I think we've helped each other be more able to accept help. It's not a self esteem thing with me, I think it's a *guilt* thing, since we were raised to feel guilty about everything. I've worked hard the past number of years to leave that behind.