Let me first say that I have no idea which board this should go on, so move it if you need to. I could see this turning into a debate, I need some prayers, it is a parenting issue and a general topic, so that is where my confusion comes in. I am also going to post anon because I know of at least one family member who reads here. At this point, I am not even supposed to know this. My MIL wants to be the one to tell the boys (my dh and his brother) about it, but FIL couldn't keep it quiet and told dh about it yesterday. So we are supposed to "act suprised" when she finally tells us. Anyway, my nephew who is a senior in High School has admitted to his parents that he is gay. Dh and I are not shocked by this at all. We have had feelings for quite a few years that he could be. The prayer request is for the whole family to have the strength and wisdom to deal with it. His parents are VERY strong catholics. He has gone to a catholic school his whole life and I am sure they have to be very torn on how they feel and deal with this. I also have very mixed feelings about it. I also am not sure what or when to mention this to my dd. I can't really see him bringing a boyfriend to family things and if he did, I couldn't forsee any hand holding or anything like that happening that I would even need to explain, but I do worry about what she might hear people talk about at family things. She is 9 and a half and does undertand what being gay means and is completely grossed out by it! I didn't go into any acts, but explained to her that it is when two boys or two girls like each other like Mommy and Daddy do. This came up because she heard the term gay and I asked her if she knew what it meant and she told me that she was gay because she liked girls! LOL I felt the need to clear that up before she said that to someone else!! LOL I don't even know what my question is, but I know there is going to be very ackward moments coming and I just don't know how to deal with them. Do we say something to him? Do we just ignore it and act like business as usual? I guess I am just feeling a little lost by all of this and was hoping someone out there has dealt with this before and had some reassuring words for me. Thanks for listening.

By Clair~moderator on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 03:56 pm:

IMHO you should remember that your nephew is the same person he has always been.

I hope things work out for your family.

By Mommyathome on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 04:34 pm:

Ditto Clair.

By Amecmom on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 04:35 pm:

I guess it depends on whether or not he knows that you know he is gay. If he knows that you know, then just tell him you love him and that you'll be there for him. I'm sure he feels strange enough, just by having come out, especially with the family background you describe. I'm sure it took a lot of courage.
As far as saying anything to your daughter, I wouldn't at this point. There's no reason for her to know. Ditto Clair, I hope everything works out.
Ame

By Bea on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 05:58 pm:

This is still the young man you've always known. Would you have felt comfortable discussing his sexuality with him before? Straight or Gay, a person's sexuality is private.
If he was straight and had a girlfriend he was sleeping with...would you feel the need to discuss that with your daughter. I'd answer any questions she might ask you, but I wouldn't go out of my way to push any discussions.
There is an organization called PFLAG Parents Family and Friends Of Lesbians and Gays, that has chapters all over the country

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 06:13 pm:

My oldest son is gay. He came out to us, his family, about 20 years ago. He is 43 now. He is, by far, the nicest person in our family.

Bea is right - this is the young man you have always know. Nothing has changed except that you know something about him you didn't know before.

You can email me at klipvm at rcn.com (I put it that way to keep from being "skimmed"). I will be happy to talk with you at length and in a fair amount of detail.

As Bea says, PFlag is a great organization and provides lots of support programs and advice. There is also a group called Dignity, which is a group for gay Catholics.

By Anonymous on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 08:48 pm:

Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond. Just to respond to a few things, yes Bea, we have talked to him before about dates and such. Now, I have never come out and asked him if he was sleeping with people, but girls and such have been discussed openly before. He did have dates for homecoming and things like that. And yes, he did bring a girl friend or two to family things that my daughter did meet. They were always introduced to us as friends. When talking with him before, I would ask him if he was dating anyone special and things like that. I don't know, but now, I would feel very strange asking him the same questions. That is what I meant by not knowing how to act or what to say. I know that he the same person he was before I knew this information and nothing has changed except that I feel bad for him. Not because he is gay, but because I know that he faces a tough road ahead of him. Thanks again for the kind words! I really appreciate it more than you could know!!

By Momaroze on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:15 pm:

What is there to say. Give him a hug and tell him that you love him. That is all he needs to hear.

By Bobbie on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 10:23 pm:

I agree. He is the same guy. And to be honest I am sure he will assume what you will be uncomfortable with and will steer clear of those things anyway. Just as in a straight relationship you have friends you share details with and others you don't. Until something comes up just leave things a lone and love him.

And you need to watch what you say about this around DD for sure because little bodies have big ears. You may think she isn't listening or hearing but she just might. So you need to be prepared to explain things to her at her level.

By Ladypeacek on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 07:37 am:

I want to say that if you are concerned about what your dd will say if he brings another boy around her i would think about what you deem inappropriate behavior for a straight couple and use that. I would never tolerate an unmarried couple kissing or making out in front of my dd. I think holding hands should be the extent of any contact. If that happens and your daughter asks just say ..well they are very close friends and leave it at that. At her age she might accept that since at 9 my dd is always holding hands with her girlfriends at school, so she may not need more than that. I agree with the rest, accept ihim and love him for who he is! Its hard enough in this world for gays without family giving him a hard time!

By Ghfaninnj on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 09:38 am:

My DH and I had explained to my oldest daughter at a young age(8) about sex, drugs and of course what being gay meant. We felt with the times and how they discuss things at school these days at such a young age, and also the fact that we were never told these things by our parents, that we should be the ones to tell her these things first other than learning them from her friends. A couple of years later (she was about 9 1/2) we learned that my DH's sister was gay. The only thing that we asked of them when they came to visit was that they don't do anything in front of the kids. I also have another daughter that was 7 1/2 at the time. Well, they came to visit and the whole time they were calling each other honey, which I have no problem with, other than it was in front of the kids, and they also took a shower together, when the kids were here. I am telling this story because after they left both of my girls brought the subject up about Aunt Tanya and Marci and asked LOTS of questions. So even at the age of 7 1/2, like my youngest daughter was at the time, they will be curious about it and ask questions, and sometimes hard questions to explain in "their language." Other than that, I have NO problem with gay or lesbians, I totally agree that they are people too and just because their sexuality differs from ours, that we still should not judge them. IMO Angela