Help ! I need some advice about my friend......................
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2004:
Help ! I need some advice about my friend......................
Hello,please excuse the annon. post.Due to the subject matter I hope that you will understand why.
My very close friend just imformed me thet she is Gay.I was very supportive and tried to keep an open mind when she told me,now I am having some mixed feelings.
When she told me she was crying and was afraid that this would end our friend ship,
I assured her that it wouldn`t.
She and her husband are getting a seperation
which I supported from the get go because the guy is a class A jerk and thats putting it mildly.
Then she tells me this out of the blue.
I really am in shock.
She said she kind of always knew that she was.
and her dh thought she was also.
She has two kids , her dd and mine are best friends.
Now she is telling me about the women that she is meeting.
I am sorry,it just grosses me out!
Also if she knew that she was gay why did she get married and have kids?
She tells me that I always seem to attract gay people and laughed.
I have two gay "guy" friends that I went to school with that I have frienships with.
and that is it.
Not any women.nor anyone else.
She told me that I couldn`t tell any one either except my Dh.
I truely think that this my end our frienship.
I feel horrible about that.
What would you do if your good friend said that she was gay?
I don`t know maybe I will get over the shock?
I just see us as living different lifestyle now and also she is into the dating scene.I`ve ranted on and on.
Thanks for listening.
I hope that I can figure this out.
We have a neice who realized she was gay after being married to a great guy and having 2 kids.
I feel no differently about her. She's handled everything very well, and her ex is still very involved with the family. She lives with her girlfriend and her kids, and life is good.
I can't imagine it affecting any of my friendships. The love lives of my friends have nothing to do with me now, and wouldn't then.
As for the dating thing, if she left the jerk hubby and dated men, she'd still be living a different lifestyle than you.
I hope you're able to get over the shock, so that you don't loose a good friend.
I understand why you feel unconfortable, but is it worth losing a friend over? I think that you should talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. She should understand. She is going to need her closest friends now and with her coming out to you, I assume you are one of them. I really don't think that it's worth ruining your friendship over. Just give it time.
I have a highschool friend who just this past fall, told people she was gay. She had not dated anyone yet but she knew for sure. Heck, we all knew and were just waiting for her to admit it. She feels like there is a huge burden off of her chest. The only way it affected our relationship is that we are closer and she can have friends now to confide in.
Since you have other gay people in your network of friends, which you accept, I say give this some time to adjust to. Your friend needs a friend right now.
Anon #1, my best friend as a child came "out of the closet" a few years ago. So i know how you feel. Luckily she wasn't married and had no kids, so that made it easier than your friend's situation. She has a partner for a few years now. We have not ended our friendship over this. Just remember that she IS the same person she was before, except that now you know who she really is...does that make sense? I agree with Annie, your friend probably needs you now more than ever, i am sure it was very hard for her to admit that she was gay, give it time to sink in before you end your friendship.
I also had a friend tell me he was gay after years of close friendship. It really was a shock too. The first thing i felt was that i was fine with it, no problem he is still my friend. That is until the first guy came along, then i was a little weird about it. It did seem a lttle creepy to me but i didn't want to lose him, he was my dearest friend and i loved him like my own family. So i just told him very honestly that i needed a little time to get used to it before i heard too many details, i told him that i loved him and this would never change but i need to adjust one step at a time. Your friend is gonna take alot of blows now from people but the ones that will hurt are gonna be from those she thought were her friends. If you truly want to stay friends then you have to be honest with her. She will understand that you need time, i am sure she knows that this is alot to hear after so long. Give her some credit and tell her to slow down on details.
My best friend in college told me the same thing. It took me a while to get over feeling strange around her, but I did. Right now, this is a shock, and it's very new. Your friend suspected she was gay, but maybe wasn't sure, or wanted to have a heterosexual life, so she did get married and have children. This could even be a reaction to her separation.
She is the same person she was before she told you. Try not to judge her, and give yourself a little time to get over the shock. Perhaps you'll find it makes no difference at all after a while. Hoping you sort it out and remain friends.
Ame
Give yourself time that is key. You are likely to experience a whole lot of different feelings. If she has been a true friend to you over the years that is all that matters. Cherish the fact that she is a good person, true friendship is hard to find. Maybe, she questioned herself/her feelings many times over the years about who she really is? Sounds like she is really in need of a friend right now. Try to be supportive, honest with your feelings, and as others said tell her you need some time to adjust. If you don't want to hear about her personal life at this point by all means if I was her, I would completely understand. You have to think about the children's friendships too. Take it easy with yourself. Some things in life sure can set a person back for awhile. Good luck.
I grew up with my best friend. We did everything together--slumber parties, double dates, etc. I thought I knew her like a book. One night (our senior year in highschool) we were housesitting for her neighbor and I woke up hearing a shower running. It was 3 in the morning and I went to check on her thinking she must be sick or something to be taking a shower at that time. I discovered my best friend in the shower with a girl! It was a girl that I knew she was friends with but I had no clue that they were a couple.
I was horrified and angry. I grew up in a small town. I knew no one (else) that was gay and I felt like she had deceived me.
I stopped all contact with her and never spoke with her again.
Looking back at this, now as an adult, I wish I had handled things much differently.
I have a better understanding of how difficult it was for her to "come out". I wish I had stood by her side.
My only advice is, if this friend has been a good friend to you and always supported you, it is your turn to be there for her. We may not always like things our friends do but being a good friend means being there through the tough times without judgement.
If this person is a great friend to you please do not make the same mistake I did.
Yvonne
Give yourself time to adjust to this, but take comfort in the thought that she trusts you enough, feels safe, and values your friendship enough to tell you.
This is a long response.
First, your mixed feelings are understandable - and normal. You’ve had a big shock. You thought you knew your friend and, after all, she is (still) married, and has a child. So I do indeed understand your surprise, shock, and yes, dismay.
My oldest son is gay. Because of this, I became involved in the group in my Methodist church that studied whether our congregation wished to become a “reconciling” congregation - a congregation which says to the United Methodist Church that its stance on homosexuality is wrong. Among the members of our church is a woman who was married twice before she discovered (or admitted to herself) that she is lesbian, and other women who were married and had children before they came to this realization. On my block were two men who had both been married, fathered children, and then discovered they were gay. They maintained good relationships with their children and became foster parents to the abandoned babies of women who were addicted to crack (and who were often HIV positive). I know a lot of gay and lesbian people who are fine people, good citizens, good friends, good parents. None of which helps you very much right now.
First, what two people do in the privacy of their bedrooms is their business. But personally, I don’t want to know the details, whatever the gender of the people involved. My father used to say “sex is not a spectator sport” (no matter what the emails we all get say). If you are not comfortable hearing from your friend about her personal life, then I suggest you find a gentle and firm way to tell her that. If she is telling you about the woman she is developing a relationship with, without going into intimate details, that is a little different. You know that if she were telling you about a guy you wouldn’t be bothered, so the issue here is the gender. But if you are not comfortable with hearing about this, then again, I urge you to find a kind way to tell her. Maybe, look, my friend, you’ve dropped a major piece of news on me and I am still adjusting. I am not ready yet to talk about all that means, and especially I am not ready right now to listen to you talk about your developing relationship. I’m sorry, but I am asking you to respect where I am in my own process about you.
As for why people get married when they are gay or lesbian - well, there are a number of reasons. The most important, I think, is that we all know that homosexuality is seen negatively, and people who think they may be homosexual often struggle very hard to be “normal”, to be straight, and to live straight lives. This means having relationships, getting married, having children. What I am told by my gay and lesbian friends who went through this is that at some point in his or her life, the person comes to realize that s/he has been living a lie and decides to be honest - first with herself/himself, then with his/her spouse and family and friends. And it isn’t easy. There is often heartbreak, anger, fear of what this will mean to any children involved, and sometimes bitter custody battles.
I don’t know if this helps, but I don’t know any gay or lesbian person who chose to be lesbian or gay. It really isn’t a choice. Why, for mercy’s sake, would anyone deliberately choose to be a person who is derided, verbally and often physically abused, and treated like a freak or a second class citizen? Coming out, telling ones family and friends that you’ve come to the realization that you are gay or lesbian, often means that families and friends reject you, co-workers (if they know) treat you differently and often with hostility, employers are suspicious and sometimes seek reasons to fire you. No one would deliberately choose this - and no one does.
Members above are suggesting that your friend trusts you and this is why she told you. I think she doesn’t want to be dishonest with you, and because you have been good friends she feels you have a right to know. She knows she is risking the loss of a dear friend, but also doesn’t want to lie to you, her good friend.
I agree, give yourself time. And let your friend know when you are uncomfortable and not ready to discuss certain areas of her life. If she wants to remain your friend she will respect that you are being honest with her.
I repeat - as the loving mother of a gay man - I understand your feelings and think they are perfectly understandable. That you have not immediately rejected your friend and that you are seeking help in coming to terms with your feelings says a lot of good things about you.
I agree, give it sometime and go from there. You stayed her friend while she is married to her Jerk of a DH and I know how hard that can be first hand. I am sure you can figure out a way to over come this too. And I am with everyone else, What goes on in her bedroom is her business.
BUT, I can say that I have lost a couple of straight friends to divorce. They started the whole dating thing and had little time for friendships with married couples. I am glad they got out of their bad relationships and I look at the loss of the friendships in the whole friends for a season, a reason mind frame. They are still important people to me, they just took another path that took them away from my day to day life but if they would happen back this way I would surely accept them back with open arms.
You need to figure out what she means to you and go on from there.
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