My dh has a dd from before we were together. He was never married to her mother. They dated and she lied about being on birth control, she admitted this when she got pregnant. Well my dh is a very loving man and of course he was never even mad and he pays child support and he is a big part of her life even over here he calls here every other day, writes her, and sends gifts. I love her as well, she is a wonderful little girl and i get along with her mother too. WE have always had a good relationship with both. Since we moved her mother has been having financial problems, she bought a new car and can't afford the payments and moved her daughter to a day care that was $50 more a week! There was nothing wrong with the other daycare but they were starting to have concerns because her daughter was sick too often and they called her to come get her too much (genny is my dh's dd's name) Genny gets alot of ear infections and colds. So she was hoping this new daycare would nto be as bad about that policy.
Well let me tell you the problem. At christmas she was so behind with the daycare that she called us. She owed them 500 and they were not going to watch Genny anymore until she paid. Well we went ahead and took what we had in savings and paid all 500 of the debt. My dh is only an E-4 and i don't work since we moved here, it is not finacially worth it since i could only work on base and after daycare i would bring almost nothing home. I had no problem with this though, i understand what it feels like to be where she is. We even set up an 800 number here so that she can call us for free. 2 weeks later she was calling again saying she just can't afford the daycare. She lives with her mother and they split the bills and her job pays fairly well, i think she makes 13.00 and hour plus commision. We pay 300 a month to her for child support, the court only ordered 200. Now we have added another 200 a month to help her with daycare, so she gets 500 a month. That is alot of money for us and it is causing us to struggle a little.
But to top it off now Genny's birthday is in 2 weeks and she wants us to send some extra money with her presents so that her mother can rent one of those big bouncy castles and a clown. She wants about 100 more. Genny is only turning 3 and i don't think she needs that stuff. I am starting to feel like she is taking advantage of us. She says that she appreciates all the help cuz she would hat to have to go to child services and make him pay all the daycare which would be another 200 a month! That would be 700. That is outrageous. She gets all the benefits of the military as well so she doesn't pay any medical or insurance at all. This is really starting to bug me. My dh is getting frustrated too but he is scared to say anything cuz she just threatens to go to child evforcement for even more money! he wants to get custody of his dd now. Her mother works almost 60 hours a week and is still always broke and he thinks she would be better with us since i am at home all the time. I would love to have her but taking her from her mother is a little drastic. I just need to find a way to get her to understand that we are doing as much as we can. Any suggestions? An I wrong for not wanting to give her more money?

By Ladypeacek on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 07:14 am:

i forget to mention that 2 weeks ago she went to a concert 4 hours from home and took a limosine there and back, She said it only cost 250 since she split it with a friend, but really..thats alot for someone with no money!! Sorry this was soooo long!!

By Conni on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 07:30 am:

We have a blended family. My dh still pays support to his almost 22 yo ds in college and my ex pays support for my 2 boys. And then we had Blake together...

IMO you should NOT have to send extra money for your dss birthday party. Gifts are enough. Tell her your ever so sorry, but you just cant swing it this month. But you hope she enjoys her gifts and she has a wonderful party!! IF you guys arent attending the party there is no reason in the world why you should have to pay for it. Thats not what support is for!!

JMO

Conni

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 07:31 am:

My kids are 12 and 14 and have never had a bouncy castle and a clown and they have survived. She is in dream world! She is very much taking advantage of you! Good lord!

By Conni on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 07:31 am:

dss=dsd ! sorry..

By Karen~moderator on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 07:41 am:

This woman is not responsible with or realistic about money and her expectations are ridiculous. I was a single parent for years and sometimes the parent just has to do without so the child can have - BTDT. That's not just meant for single parents either. Obviously she is not budgeting her money, especially if she can afford the concert, but can't afford daycare or birthday stuff for her daughter. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. You and your DH are totally within your rights to JUST SAY NO, without feeling any guilt.

By Ladypeacek on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 07:59 am:

Well i am glad that i am not being just a meanie. I really do love his dd and if we were rich i would give her everything we could. We aren't gonna give her the money for the birthday party. My dd's bday is a week later and we are already struggling to buy her gifts much less a fancy party. She will be having her party at home with a few girls staying the night. Her father pays child supprt (220 a month) and i have never asked for more. There were times i needed more of course but i don't think its fair to make the father pay EVERYTHING. In VA the father is expected to pay child support, daycare and medical. I think that is unreasonable. I know that it is expensive for a single mother to live and asking for half is fair but why should we suffer so she can go to concerts and take Genny to expensive places that aren't neccessary. That 500 we gave her was set aside so that we could go home to visit our families this summer which we can't do now.

By Amecmom on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 08:15 am:

I am sorry that such nice generous people are stuck in this situation. You are dealing with a financially irresponsible woman who is most definately taking advantage of you.
Don't let her threats scare you! Get a consult with an attorney and find out the law. This woman has to go to court and file for a modification in the child support agreement, show just cause why she needs more money and show just cause why your husband should pay! She can't just call child services and tell them to tell you to pay more.
I hope you have records of all the money you've given her so far.
I would also stop sending her any money other than the court ordered child support. Send your portion of the day care to the center DIRECTLY! This way, she can't use the money for herself. Any other money you might send for Ginny, put in an in trust for account for her. That way she'll have some money when she gets older.
When you send gifts, make sure they are not cash.
It's sad that the little girl has to get caught in the middle of this, but you shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of your life either.
I'm sorry if you find this to be strongly worded, but it makes me so angry to hear about people like this, who take advantage of good-hearted people. Please know that I hope you resolve this to your advantage.
Ame

By Ladypeacek on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 08:23 am:

thanks Ame, i just emailed child enforcement asking about the financial responsibilities for the noncustodial parent. This was we can figure out what to do next. We only write checks to her and we write on the bottom what they are for so we can get copies of canceled checks and also we have the carbon copies. as for the extra 300 a month it comes out of his check, we set up an alootment for her so that will be easy to show as well!!! This really does tear me up, my dh doesn't ever want he dd to think he doesn't WANT to help her mom take care of her. We are just getting deeper and we worked so hard to stay out of debt.

By Texannie on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 08:42 am:

Ame gave you great advice! Definitely document everything. Try to set up as many payments directly to the source that you can. Good luck.

By Janet on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 09:43 am:

Ditto, ditto, ditto to everything! (We have never had a bouncy castle or clown, either! LOL) Let me only add this: You have an absolute gem of a husband (but you knew that already) to be so responsible and loving. Hang onto that one, girl! Oh, and I might add that he also has a gem of a wife!

By Paulas on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 09:47 am:

I like the advice Ame gave you. As far as her going to the courts...you are already paying more than the amount they require. I REALLY like the idea of sending the money to the daycare directly. That way you are sure it goes there and not to send mom in a limo to a concert. My husband and I both work and we have NEVER taken a limo to a concert.

By Momaroze on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 09:55 am:

Ditto Ame!
Infuriates me to read that she "threatens" your dh. Sounds like she is very irresponsible and controlling. Good luck Kenna. I would follow Ame's advice and get this craziness straightend out once and for all!

By Marg on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:17 am:

((Kenna)) I wish I had advice but I don't, I'll be thinking about you.

I do agree with all the ladies, it is a sad situation. I do agree, write everything down just in case.

By Insaneusmcwife on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 12:49 pm:

Reading this makes me so ANGRY!
I agree that you shouldn't be paying any extra then you are required to, and certainly not any more than you can afford. They court set that amount for a reason. With the money she is making and even sharing expenses to live with someone else, you are just paying for her to go out and have a good time. If it were me I would just send the money that you are required to send, if she needs money for clothes, send clothes and remove the tags so they can not be returned for cash. As was mentioned above that she can not just call child services and demand that you send more money just because she wants it. They will do a financial analysis to determine how much she needs and how much you are responsible for. You are responsible for the child not for her. You are supposed to be supporting the child not supporting her. It is her responsibility to pay for rent and utilities as she would have to pay them with or without child. "Child Support" is to go to help pay for the extra finances for the child like food, clothes and other NECESSITIES. A jumpy house and a clown are NOT a necessity. If she can afford a concert and a limo for $250, then she can afford the party and daycare herself. When you have childeren they come FIRST! If you are paying all this money, what is she paying for???? Not medical insurance, cause she has tricare! Good luck! {{{HUGS}}}

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 01:02 pm:

Ditto, Krystal (is that your name?) That is exactly what I was thinking!

By Vicki on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 01:18 pm:

Wow, this is a tough situation. I have never been a single mother, or divorced, so I speak from no experience at all. However, I see nothing wrong with a father going above and beyond what the courts order him to do. Lets face it... $200.00 a month is nothing when it comes to raising a child. I realize that the child is only 2 right now, but things are very expensive. If my dd eats school lunch everyday, that alone is over 25.00 a month. Add clothes, supplies and any lessons or Brownies or anything else that she does in there and it could very quickly eat up 200.00. That isn't even including housing and food and soap and all the everyday things!! I also realize that it is not your dh's responsibility to pay for everything. I really feel the problem in this situation is that she has come to expect you guys to do it. She is spending her own money foolishly and expecting you guys to come up with more to support their daughter. Which, lets face it, because you are good people and a loving father and step mother...you have done it!! The only way to stop this is to simply talk to her about it and then stop it. I also strongly agree to make the payments for daycare directly to the center itself. I would not send them to her!! That way, you at least know they money is going for that. If you want to do anything "extra" I would make sure that it also goes for what it is intended. If his daughter needs clothes, send clothes instead of money. She should not be planning things and then asking you guys to send money for it. If she has an idea for something she would like to do for their dd and she can't afford it, my feeling is that she should call you guys and tell you about the plans and see if you would be willing or able to help with it. If you can't or don't want to, than it is up to her to either pay for it or find a different plan. It really sounds to me that allot of this could be resolved by simply talking about it and setting guidelines out for things. It sounds like you all have gotten along in the past and it would be terrible if this caused things to fall out between all of you. Your sd is so much better off with you all getting along and working on things together. And I commend your dh (and you)for going above what he is ordered to do. I wish more fathers felt that way!! Good luck to you all!!!

By Mommmie on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 01:43 pm:

I think you should go for custody!

By Mommyathome on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 01:52 pm:

Ditto
Find out what your DH's rights are first and find out all the details that way. Then you can better judge your next move.
If she is so bad off, wouldn't she qualify for the state paid daycare? I use to watch a little girl for a single mom. The state paid me because she couldn't afford to. I just had to fill out the papers each day and the mom had to sign in and out. Then I mailed them in and got a check from the state. She was also receiving child support BTW.

By Coopaveryben on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 02:23 pm:

I can't imagine being so broke and taking a limo to a concert!!! You have handled this situation much better than I ever would have, you should be proud of yourself.

I agree with Ame, KEEP RECORDS and I would only send what is ordered unless it is something you could pay directly like childcare.

By they way, we are a family of 5 and make a little bit more than she does, we pay two cars, insurance, school expenses, a whole house payment, diapers, electric and everything else. Granted it is tight so I can stay home but she should be just fine with what she makes and what you guys pay in support.

By Ladypeacek on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 03:53 pm:

Well i made some calls today to find out exactly what the law says. They lawyer told me that i would need to know exactly what her income is to figure out an exact amount but that in the most extreme case the father only paid half of childcare and the fact that we took that step and she chose to move to a more expensive daycare after the fact for no legal reason (miscare, ect..) makes the difference her responsiblilty. He also told us to pay the daycare directly and to avoid sounding accusatory and to keep the peace to tell her that we are doing it simply so that we can claim the expense on our taxes. That makes me much more comfortable. This situation really breaks our heart because if we could we would do anything for that child! We would love to have custody but that would be very difficult to get being in another country and we are not willing to put his dd through that. We did decide however to talk to her about letting her stay with us in the summers. It would be a good experience for her to come to England and we would love to have her!

Thanks to all of you for your support!!