A long mean rant about dh....
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A long mean rant about dh....
Sorry for this one you guys....but I am at the end of my tether!!!!
I am having a hard pregnancy(sciatica,heartburn,tired,endless colds and flus).
Right now, me and ds(3) are really sick.We have what I think is one of the worst colds that I have ever experienced. Ds now has pink-eye.If you remember,he had strep 4 weeks ago and an earache last week(probably the beginning of this cold).
It sucks to have a bad cold. But it is worse if you are pregnant and can't take a lot of the stuff that helps it. It's worse if you have a sick 3 year old too. And it is really really bad when you have a dh(and right now I don't mean dear!)who 'feels so sorry' that you are sick, but is unwilling to help!!
I know that it is partially my fault for letting him get away with so much. He works full time as a welder. He is the foreman so he is also in charge of all the other people. He works 9 hour days and leaves the house at 5:30AM. I am the 'lucky one' who gets to stay home and 'do nothing' as he seems to think. I know he works hard. But I do too. I cooked and cleaned right through 2 months of morning sickness. My hand could be cut off and bleeding and I am sure he would expect me to wrap it up and keep cooking!!
He thinks that when he comes home, his job is over. He has a shower..goes on the computer...eats dinner....usually takes his plate to the kitchen(isn't he thoughtful?)...then he goes to our bedroom and watches tv for the night. That is all he does.
He usually wants me to come in and lie beside him(but I have to watch what he wants-usually sports or news)....but I have dishes to do..kitchen cleanup...ds needs things done for him....
He thinks that ds(who will be 4 in August) should be able to spend a few hours playing by himself and watching tv. He resents it when ds comes in the room to ask for things(put a movie in the vcr..can I have a popsicle...mommy I'm lonely out there-can you come play with me...)
He thinks that I am spoiling ds and giving into him too much.How many of you leave your kid(who is an only child, so no one to play with in the living room by himself for hours...(well-for 2 hours lets say)? I think dh is being unreasonable.
Just so you don't think things are harsher than they are....the house is very small, so the bedroom is right off the living room...also dh LOVES his son very much and is, in many ways a very good and loving father. But he doesn't seem to have the patience to spend time doing things with ds that ds likes.....Dh will spend 5 or 10 minutes wrestling or chasing him around. But he would never sit and watch a video or take him to the park in the evening or kick a ball around in the back yard.
I know that dh had a VERY harsh childhood growing up in Brasil. His dad was a monster. Literally. I bet his dad NEVER spent time playing with him...so he probably doesn't even know how to really be a dad(he does know how to love and be affectionate though)...when I try to bring stuff up like this with dh-he gets very defensive and we end up fighting. Forget telling him to get some counselling....he calls that 'hanging up your dirty laundry for everyone to see'...plus, he thinks any kind of mental health care provider or therapist is a quack.....
See, I told you all this would be long...LOL..
Last night was the straw that broke the camels back though. After supper, I told him that I was too sick to do the dishes (our lady with down syndrome who we take care of had put all the easy stuff in the dishwasher)...all I wanted was for him to put the food away in the fridge. Then I said that I needed to make myself some herbal tea and just go in the bedroom afor a while and not have to do anything for anyone. He said "oh good- you need to relax...I'm going to do the same thing!"......So I said..."But you need to be in charge if Eliah needs help with something..."
Then he got all mad and defensive and said "Oh-if you think I'm going to do all the things that YOU do for Eliah-FORGET IT!" So I realized that he wanted us both to lie down in bed and relax and Eliah could fend for himself. But Eliah is sick and cranky and needs attention....So I decided to just stay up and let dh go relax...
So then he goes in the kitchen and is trying to fit everything in the fridge...grumbling to himself and he drops the whole pot of rice on the floor by mistake. Then he is so mad he slams the fridge door and an egg falls out and breaks.....
I just wanted to kick him out of the house at that minute!
I know he comes from a very macho culture where women and children have very little power.The woman does everything for the man there and she knows that if she doesn't, he can leave her in a second and find a woman who will(there are tons of single ,desperate moms there.....very very poor. I would hate to live in Brasil.
I am pretty bad myself..very much a 'pleaser'.I want to make everyone around me happy at the expense of my own happiness. So we are both to blame. Lots of times dh will admit that he's been a jerk. He often says that he is the luckiest man on Earth to have me....We were married for 4 years before we had ds. We got along so well because we didn't have a lot of responsibility. If I had known how it would be when we had kids..I probably wouldn't have married him. Honestly.
I have no doubts that our marriage will last. I am sure that when the kids are a little older and can do the things that dh likes and are less demanding then things will be a lot easier for us. But right now,I don't know how I can get through the next 6 years or so without killing him!
Whew....don't know if I should post this or delete it.....guess I will post...
fiona
Well (((((HUGS))))) for you!! I know what you mean. I dated a guy for 4 years that was just like that. Luckily i did not end up marrying him. My dh is wonderful to me. If i were you i would stick to my guns and take the time for yourself. Tell your dh that you can relax at home if he will help for a few days till you get better or you will go relax at a hotel with your son and he can't cook and clean himself!!! I hope it all works out! Get better soon!!
(((Fiona)))
My dh had to literally raise himself from the 7th grade up. His mom was in a coma, his dad was an alcoholic. And his stepdad dated another woman while his mom was in the hospital.
It is still hard for dh to get a family mentality at times. The worse is he works with children all day and well you can see where I'm going with this....
(((Hugs))) to you too. It sounds very frustrating at times, especially now. I have a 3yo too and know what they're like! I'm guessing your dh has a hard time knowing how much work very young children are. I also hope this will change when your ds (and other!) both get older.
I also lived in Brasil and know the culture pretty well. My sense of the country (big generalization here) is that yes, it's "macho" and yes women do a lot of the work - it's better than some areas of South America, though. I always had hope for the men there, like they might possibly "get it" one day. Hope the same for you!
Isto demasiado passará. (This too shall pass).
I bet it will be interesting when you go to the hospital to have #2.
Interesting? We are having the baby at home..LOL !!!
Yes, "this too shall pass" is exactly the way I look at it!!
I think when the baby is old enough I will get a part time job-maybe a Saturday job-so dh can handle the 2 kids together and see how much fun it is.....
Actually, when I think about it...if I am home he won't play with ds.....but if I go out somewhere I always come home and find 'evidence' that dh actually did spend quite a bit of 'one on one' with ds.....So. if I go out somewhere, I know he isn't on the computer ignoring ds....
Maybe I really just need to say "I am going out to do __________" and just take off for a while..(I could even go to my mom's and lie on the couch.
fiona
ps Laurazee-I'm from BC...we used to live in Vancouver...
Fiona,
Hugs to you and keep the good attitude. By the way, you can take meds when you have a cold and are pregnant. Tylenol sinus is okay, Benadryl is ok. Robitussin is ok. Anything with pseudoephedrine is ok.
Double check with your doc, if you'd feel more comfortable. I had a terrible sinus infection and was on Benadryl and antibiotics. Tylenol sinus is good, too.
Feel better, take care of yourself and let dh fend for himself once in a while, even if he grumbles. Let him break a few eggs! Maybe then he'll make an omelet. 
Thinking of you,
Ame
Fiona, Fiona I can relate. My dh is working almost all the time. (Workaholic I am sure). When I was pregnant and terribly sick the house went to hell. That upset me greatly on top of morning sickness I don't know how I survived. My ds had to do most of the work around here including helping me. It was not good. Some pampering would be nice, especially when you are sick and PREGNANT! My favorite saying as above is "this too shall pass". In difficult times I say this to myself. I think some men just are either overworked (they have their own thing going on) but don't vocalise as much as us women do, or they just are not capable themselves. As you say their own families were not nurturing to them growing up. These guys do realise (sp) in their quiet moments when they can reflect on the day. He is probably stressed and maybe overworked. That is not an excuse, but you know what I mean. Hang in there girl. I know sometimes actions speak louder than words? It is good to vent, get it out of your system.
Couple more months Fiona....I am excited for you!
thanks you guys.....I actually felt better right after I posted. Just needed to get it all out.
thanks for the meds information Ame.....I actually did buy some Tylenol for when my sciatic got really bad. My cold is starting to feel a tiny bit better. I have a bit more energy than I did yesterday.....I can't believe that I have been up since 3AM though....hopefully I can persuade ds to have a nap with me soon....
Oh-and thanks for not judging me or my relationship with dh...it's nice to vent without having people tell you that you should get a divorce..LOL......
fiona
I wouldn't reccomend this as a solution but the only way my husband's child rearing attitude changed was when he was laid off and I got a job sooner than he did. For about 6 months he was the house-husband and actually held himself to a higher standard than I had held for myself. It made sense because he was the one who wanted things done a certain way. He got very organized about the way he cleaned and even scheduled one-on-one quality time with the youngest, the oinly one not in school. Now that he's working again everythings more 50-50 and he understands that I need time occasionally. Not the reccomended solution, as I said.
Hi Fiona. I went through a very similar situation when pregnant with my second dd. My dh never did come around, and I ended up in a deep depression, because this was not how I envisioned raising my family. But the funny thing is, that's ok. I also figured out that the thing that attracted him the most, was my independence. He also wants to see that trait in our (now 3) children. Regaining my independence was such a turn on for him, he started paying a little (and I do mean little) attention to my desires. He still won't do "women's work", but if I'm having a real bad day, he'll make sure the kids do it! Oh well, at least they're learning to help out if someone's under the weather! Oh yeah, if your house is kid-safe, 30 minutes, max for leaving a 3 year old alone, and that's with him watching blue's clue's, or something. I guess what I'm saying is don't wait for him to change, just adapt, if you are able.
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