Somebody please listen to me....
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive April 2004:
Somebody please listen to me....
I am going through a really rough patch the past few days and I really to lean on somebody right now.
Being a mom is so tiring so emotionally draining. I love my kids and my family, but can I tell how tired I am of the fighting and the whining and the demands. I have three kids, 9, 6, and 3. I love my kids and I love my husband. I love my life, my home and have you ever felt like you are in hell. Have you ever felt like this is it...until I die I will be picked alive by the demands of motherhood.
I feel so alone in these feelings and I am reaching out to someone who has been where I am right now. How did you take care of yourself and save your soul from dying. Yes I feel like my soul is dying. My husband is not available...he is great, he just doesn't understand that I too need to be taken care of. He thinks that everything he does is his way of showing me love and believe me I am greatful to him...it just not what I need. I am not even sure how to articulate to him what I need.
I feel like what a person who walks out on her family and never looks back...feels like, like I have to just get away...I am sooo sad and I feel like nobody cares that I feel this way...Get over it...Buck up!!!
Have you ever felt so unappreciated? So blinking tired of the same old same old craziness of raising little kids. To the moms who have ever been where I am at this very moment...how did you save yourself? Please someone reach out to me...please help me help myself
Is there something you can do to take the strain off? Put the 3 year old in half day nursery school.
You can go to a hotel for a weekend and pamper yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.
I know how you feel and have been feeling that way alot lately myself. Its hard now too since i am in another country with no friends or family but the kids and a husband that tries hard but doesn't really know how to fix it. I worked at a great job 60 hours a week and then went straight to stay at home mom when we moved here. It was too much at one time. I don't drive here yet so i stare at these walls day in a day out cleaning the same messes a dozen times a day. making the same meals all week and washing the same clothes over and over again. Sometimes i just want to jump on a plane and leave but i know i can't. So if anyone knows how you feel its me!
How ever i get up everyday and do it. I remind myself when i wake up that yes today is gonna be the same as every other day BUT there will be a time when it WILL change. My kids WILL grow up and leave. I WILL do things just for me. and I WILL be happy.
On the days i feel REALLY bad i just stop, i don't clean i don't listen to them and i don't care about rest of the world. I just think of me for that day and ignore everything else. I take a day and give my husband ALL the responsiblities and i take a hot bath, then lock myself in our room and watch tv, read, cross stitch, and i don't listen to anything outside my room. I pack some food up and a few drinks and i stay in there. If someone knocks i ignore it. Going to a hotel is great too if you can afford it.
Do you have a friend to talk to? Some one you can just scream too and say all the things you say when you are mad but don't because most of the time you say it out of anger and don't mean it. Sometimes just doing that gets alot off your shoulders.
If you need someone to talk to and you want someone to understand you can email me
ladypeacek@yahoo.com
I have felt somewhat the same as you. I have a 1yr old and my oldest 2 1/2 and my dh works very long hours, Things get pretty crazy at my house and I had a point were I felt as though I just couldn't take it anymore, I think for me the problem is that I used to work a job where daily I was basically told how important I was, how good of a job I was doing. Now staying at home with my dk is just as important but no one seems to see that, or appreciate it. That was until I spoke to my dh and told him just what I was feeling, also I now take a mommy break every other week I spend one day just for me, well almost I found after doing this a few times, I end up missing the dk and include them in part of my day. I am sorry you are feeling this way, I think you really need to talk to your dh, and go do something nice for yourself, or just a day by yourself.
I do know exactly how you feel. My children are 10, 8 and 6. I still have those moments, I love my kids, but would like to quit and NOW. So how did I cope? First I talked with my hubby and said, I am just drained, I need some me time. I know you love and you care and I just need you to say it more and help me escape. Then find something to do. I scrapbooked once a month, there are also stampin up consultants that host monthly things pretty cheap (5 bucks is what i pay), once a month. Or find a theater. I felt like in our budget I could really only afford to do something once a month, it really helped. The second thing I did. Call today your holiday! Find a book, curl up on your couch and make then kids a safe place with the tv elsewhere, or you else where and go to your world. Lay some snacks out, make lunch sandiches now and say, today you are taking care of yourselves! This isn't a BAD thing, only if you do it everyday, but again once a month, heck once a week if things are that bad, might just help you enjoy this job better! Also now that it is warming up, try to get outside, nothing like a little sunshine to boost the spirits. Take a simple picnic lunch, and your book and find a playground. Good luck, as the old saying goes "this too shall pass", but in the meantime I hope you can find a little bit of peace!
Everyone here is giving you wonderful advice. Time for yourself is not bad. There was a time that i did these things one a week but now i do it once a month also. Even when i don't really feel bad i do it anyways becuase i know i need it. You aren't any good to your kids or husband if you aren't any good to you! My husband understands, he says giving me up for a day here and there is better than giving me up all the time. And it will pass even though right now you don't think you will last till that time. Just let your self go for a while, maybe take a week and go visit a friend or family to pull yourself together. I have been where you are and i get there alot now too so i am worried. Please keep us posted!
(((Anon)))
You are not a lone even though you feel that way.
I wish we were all there to give you a group hug!
When I worked at least I accomplished something and got paid for it! But I hated the person I worked for (long story).
These ladies are right.
Boy Kenna, you hit the nail on the head. I feel like a maid, doing the same job, only to start over the next 24 hours.
Our girls are 11, 8 and 3. It's the 3 yo that is to hard to clean around. She's like a mini hurricane!
I'm so glad it's spring. Our oldest dds love to go out to play and they take our 3 yo (almost 4) out with them hours at a time. We have 3 acres and a lot for them to do, dogs, cats bikes, playhouses a very small creek (1' across and less than 2" in most places. I can get so much done, that is my vacation. We have no extra money to do anything. But I have started taking classes and will do an internship (I'm very excited). That will give us extra income.
My mom always used to say, men do not know what we go through. I often look back and realize what she went through. But back then know one talked about it, she was a sahm and considered lucky!
Maybe you should go talk to your dr. I went after losing my job, found out mom was dying of cancer and fell over my dog needing a ligament replacement operation.
However, like Kaye states, it will pass.
Just remember this for the future, keep a good, honest line of open communication with your children, they do grow up fast and you can never get this back.
Life is too short, you do not know what will happen tomorrow so enjoy today (even if the house looks like a hurricane hit it).
If you think you need professional help, do not be afraid to go get it.
If you would like to email me, just ask me for my email.
We are all here for you.
Do you fly lady? It helps me, I don't do everything her way, but it helps me find a way and even find myself.
"picked alive by the demands of motherhood".... ugh! I am SO THERE with you!!
Can't really give you any great advice,since everyone has already done it.....but if you are like me, you probably won't follow through on it anyways..LOL.....
I know that I have to learn to say NO sometimes and to take time for myself(working out or swimming,going to a book store,going for a coffee with a friend)...but do I ever do it? of course not! I think even once a month can really be beneficial..... I used to go out to Boston Pizza once a month with my sister and my cousins girlfriend. We would just sit around drinking coffee, eating snacks and complaining about or husbands/boyfriends and kids...I stopped when my morning sickness got bad back in november and haven't thought about doing it until now. Maybe I will phone my sister at work and see if she wants to do it again...
Good luck anonymous..keep posting here..you will feel better for it, plus, nearly everyone here has been exactly where you are!
fiona
Just got this in my email. Stress and stay at home parents. Alittle bossy and know it all, but maybe there is a good tip or two in there.
http://stress.about.com/cs/parentingstress/a/athomeparents.htm
I have been feeling that way a lot lately. I started noticing that everything seems worse at the end of winter "blah's", I seem to feel this way every year at this time. I can't count how many times I hear "mommy" in a day, in a whiny voice, crying voice, mad voice, you name it. I feel like a 24 hour concesion stand, you get one mess cleaned up and "I'm hungry...I'm thirsty". I am trying to clean the kitchen and they pull everything out of the bathroom cabinets, I go to clean that up and they dump juice in the floor, I sit down with one to help him with homework and the others are screaming, yelling, climbing on the table, trying to sit on the homework papers. I get them dressed they spill something down their shirts, mess their pants, you name it. My DH comes home and goes straight to the bathroom for 30 minutes, I swear he just sits in there to read guitar magazines....I can't even go to the bathroom with the door shut. If one of the kids needs something and he is there I have to tell him to handle it or else he just waits on me to do it.
Yes I know where you are coming from and it was better when I worked a day and a half a week but I got laid off. I am looking for a new part time job, about 10 hours a week. It really made me feel better, I had adults to talk to and I was away for a little. Perhaps since your kids are getting older something like this would help you feel better?
Let's all leave our kids to our DH's for a few days and meet up somewhere...would be nice.
Anon -
I apologize in advance as this is long, and rambles.
I have only one child, but I think I know how you feel. My husband and I moved away from friends and family a few months before our son was born. We moved from the house and community in which I had lived all my life. Prior to his birth I was very active. I worked as a teacher and teacher trainer, I sang professionally - my music was the most important thing to me - I went to the gym. I was independent. My husband worked long hours, so I had a tremendous amount of time to do what I wanted, when I wanted.
Fast forward to motherhood! I lost my support group of family and friends, moved to an insular, rural area (my socializing was going to the supermarket!) and had a reflux baby that did nothing but cry for the first three months. I lost my figure completely, so I even felt like I was wearing somebody else's clothes! I had lost myself. It took a long time to come out of that depression.
It wasn't until I started thinking differently that things seemed to change for me. It took a long time for the change to happen, but it did.
I continuously reminded myself that I was important and the job I was doing was important. My old job had lots of routine things that I never even thought about. I stopped classifying my housework as drudgery. It was a cycle, a routine that was important, or we would be living in filth, with no clean clothes, no good food etc.
I set a schedule. In that schedule I planned time for housework, time for my responsibilites, and time to try and find myself again. I started singing a bit, exercising a little, taking care of my appearance, etc. I also started reading again. Some good stuff, some brain candy - but it was fun.
I found a way to put some fun in my day. It wasn't that my responsibilites had changed, or even my situation, but my outlook changed and once that happened, I didn't feel stuck in the same old rut.
If you can find a hobby, something you really enjoy doing - even if it's just for half and hour a day, that will help, I think.
Find something that's exclusively yours - something that has nothing to do with your kids.
I don't think getting away from it all is the answer, because you'll just have to go back to it. Maybe a few hours to yourself, if you can get them. If your situation is anything like mine, I'm sure that's not possible.
It's not easy to feel like you've lost yourself - to feel like you're not a person anymore, but just a mommy machine. All I can offer is what helped for me, and it may not be right for you. I truly hope you do find a way to feel better. Please keep us posted.
I can totally relate to everyone's post here. Because of DH's schedule and obligations getting out of the house by myself can be tough so I have found things at home that I love to do-making little accomplishments on my own projects each day helps. Right now I am working on decorating the girl's bathroom-but it can be anything you find that you would like to do. If I can't find the time during the day then I make sure I can get to it after they go to bed.
Another thing that helps to take me away for a little while is thinking about what I would like to do once the girls are grown. Sometimes DH talk about trips to take or restaurants to try. Make a plan and figure out how to work towards it  .
((HUGS)) Put yourself on the list to be taken care of along with your children! If you make it a priority on the list of things to do today, you'll make it happen! A happy Mommy is the best kind. If you take some time for yourself or find a group with a church or other women you can do crafts with or whatever, you'll be giving your children the best example. I think every Mom has felt this way at one time or another. You are so not alone! Vent here anytime.
Just want to say I am thinking of you today!!!!!
Everyone has said it all. I tell my husband when we both feel like we are going crazy and I smile (not because I feel like it) and say "one day we will wish for all the world to have this day back with them" And he usually says something like "yeah I know isn't it crazy". I have really learned to let things go. I don't do the dishes after every meal and my laundry is never caught up most weeks, but you have to make it o.k. When the kids are driving me crazy and I am trying to do things and they want your attention and the faster you try to work the more annoying they get I just stop whatever I am doing and play with them for a while. That usuallly satisfies them and I can get back to what I need to do. The best thing I started doing and I am sure this sounds bad but some days I wouldn't get dressed and showered utnil I had to go somewhere or utnil late afternoon, but I started getting up showering (even if I have a kid or two in the bathroom with me)and getting dressed. That helps me mentally more than anything. Good communication and feeling like you are heard and understood helps a lot. Find a good girlfriend. Husbands are great but sometimes it takes a woman to know and understand.
I am also going through the same thing our children are the same ages but I have 2 three year olds. I totally fill for you. to Me its like a rut that you can't get yourself out of. after one day of the van breaking down, the frige going out the washing that wouldnt work I couldn't take it anymore and broke down. I just screamed no one listened but it made me fill good. I finely got hubby to listen and I manage a few days a week to get out by myself for an hour or so. I love going to the library and just sitting there reading a book. or walking around a store looking at stuff that my kids hate to look at with me. I am also currently looking into our churchs that offer mommy days where you can take your child for a few hours for a mommy day. My advice is when hubbys home just say Im going to town watch the kids. once though I told hubby how I felt and whats I was going through it made a little bit of difference and My Mom is the best when Friday rolls around she'll come and get all 4 for a night and grandma and papa's house a few times during the month.I am with you and if you need any help let us know we are all currently going through the same thing or have been there.
Ditto everyone else here... You are *soooo* not alone as someone put it above! I could post this same post right now. I quit taking my 3 yr old to a 2 day a week preschool program and now I am kind of regretting it.  I love him to pieces, but somedays I just feel smothered by motherhood. Going on 12 yrs of this. It would be different if I got away from it and *clocked out* so to speak.
I use to play BUNCO once a month I quit that when I was taking a night class. Then I quit school, I quit a one day a week job all because dh complained that he had to watch kids or it was impacting *his* career...
My dh works long hours then comes home and works on projects. On the weekends--- he works on projects. I am truly thankful he knows how to do these projects (ie: now he is building a new privacy fence), but for crying out loud I dont get to work on projects by myself at the end of the day. ugh... I am terribly resentful right now. I want the fence, so I feel guilty!! But I wish he would hire the work done and spend time helping me, doing things with ME / and KIDS and help around this house once a year...
Welllll, I guess I just need to go have a good cry now. LOL Its that time of the month for me.
Hope I didnt make you feel worse! Your post just hit a nerve for me. I feel like I am suppose to be home for everyone 24/7, be at everyone's beck and call, and no one can return the favor because their life/career are to important. I am told that it is a *privelage* to be home. I *could* be out working. (like i sit here doing nothing all day?) Well, when I did work full time I had more time for me, more money for me, and got pats on the back for a job well done. LOL !!!!
OK I am going to quit griping now. Gosh, I am really cranky this morning.
(((anon))) Take some time for yourself so that you can be a happy mommy and wife. One mental health day - even if it's just a couple of hours by yourself - will make a world of difference.
I would like to give ehugs to all of you (((moms))) only God and other moms know what we go through and he gives us strength
Anon, you were very eloquent and well spoken in saying what you were feeling, I applaud you for that, many women can't get to the point you are at, in as much as allowing yourself to feel distress with life that you are supposed to be "loving".
The above advice is all wonderful however since this is my passion and in fact where I focus my life, enhancing women's lives,I would add to the above that you need to take the time YOU NEED each and every day w/out fail. I reccommend 20 minutes to start with, find a motivational book, a good CD, a bath salt something that touches your soul and reach for it every day and honor yourself. Give your self the permission to gather inner strength FIRST! This will benefit each and every person in your life! The absolute best way to fit this in to your day EVERY DAY is to wake up 30 minutes before any one else in the house, no excuses, you will feel tired for the first 3 or 4 days, but after you and your family reap the rewards of having you be clear and ready for the day, you will feel tired if you don't take this time!
So all in all I guess I'm recommending you do this every day, don't wait until you are maxed out! When you do get maxed out, schedule a massage, go to a spa, a funny movie, etc but on a day to day basis, stop and take care of your soul and your spirit. You deserve it.
You may feel you need to adjust some things in your life, maybe your kids are over scheduled, maybe you want to co parent with some other moms so you have a break each day, you may need a weekly date w/ DH, you may be really missing something in your life, but until you become quiet and true with yourself and get advice from YOU, you will really not know what YOU need!
I hope this helps!
Hi Anon,
I know how you feel right now, I have a 9, 2, and 4 month old children. My DH is gone alot with his work, so I am stuck at home sometimes for months without help, so I have found that when my 9 year old is in school, I do an aerobics class three times a week, that is offered for free from a local church, the day care that they provide for the class is $1 per child with a max of $2.00, I also do a Mom's day out, two days a week. You might want to check into some of your local churches, I am not a member at the church that I do aerobics at so you don't always have to be a member. I know our Mom's day out is $8.00 a day. I know some people can't afford that, but even if you could ask them if you could do a drop in every now and then, that might help. I hope I have given you a few more ideas to throw around, check your bigger churches in your area they may have a recreation outreach that might offer a class or two that you could take, and they would offer child care with it. take care of yourself though, it isn't an easy job to raise children.
(((((HUGS)))))
I think that you need some time to yourself. Go get pampered!!!!!!!!!!!!! You deserve it.
Like the others have said we all have been there. I even jokingly will say my name is not mom its Beth. My 3 and 5 year old look at me like I am nuts. I think the most important thing to do is find something for yourself. It will be better for and your dh and dk's. I joined the Y it was like 59$ a month. I get two hours of free daycare a day. I know this out of reach for some but I gave up my cell phone which might be an option. Also our Y lets you work in the nursery or somewhere and gives you free membership. If its a time the nursery is open you bring your dk's. I also joined MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers.) There has to be something in your community you can do. YOu may have to do a little research. Good Luck and just know we all here to listen!
Just wanted to say I hope you had a great day today!
I feel that way sometimes too. I had a dream last night. I was living by myself in a little apartment and hardly any money. I was in a big city with so many people and I was so lonely. I was divorced from my dh and he had custody of our children. It was the most disheartening dream I have had in a very long time if ever. I woke up this morning so appreciative of what I have and am so lucky to be a sahm. Lucky that my dh has a good well paying job! I do feel unappreciated at times too and out of sorts. Today I am looking around appreciating what I have and am very content and happy. I don't know how I will feel next month but I'm hoping I will remember that horrible feeling of being alone and without my dh and children. Thought I would share my dream with you. It is not uncommon to feel the way you do. That is the life of a mommy. Like Oprah said, we have the hardest job in the world!!! Hang in there
P.s. I just read some of the other posts. If you can find something you enjoy doing (your own thing) something refreshing.
I just came back from shopping. I bought a wonderful longated pot to grow herbs in. I also bought some cute outdoor stuff. Nothing expensive. Some MORE flower seeds etc....That made me feel great. Warm weather is just around the corner. Thank goodness!
Also I wanted to mention if this feeling persists you may want to go to the doctor? Best to you.
all of you who read my post and to all of you who leant your shoulder, I really appreciate it.
being is a mom was a decision I made 9 yrs ago. I couldn't wait to be a mom. I knew the decision would make me always put my child first and that is the way it should be. When we decided to have more children I knew it would be harder, more demanding, more expensive and more stressful. I knew all that.
I love my husband and I know he works very hard and worries tirelessly about money. We have lots of bills and expenses. I know all that.
He is very helpful with the kids and the house and the chores. He is very handy and is in the process of beautifying our home. I know this.
I love my home, it is home. We are remodeling and redecorating. I really enjoy all that. It takes time to get things the way you want them and I enjoy the process...well most of the time. I know all that.
Money is tight...its always tight, there is no one to watch the kids. Its not possible to get away now with our busy schedule, there is soccer and baseball and dance. I know that.
But you know what...I don't want to loose myself to have everything else.
I didn't know that...
God..did I just write my first country music ballad...
BTDT My 3 kids are close in age. 5,4 and 2. Sometimes I lose track of the big picture.
But, I know that the reward will be a great one when it's all said and done.
Hang in there!
I know exactly how things like that can overwhelm a gal! One of the most frustrating times in my life were when the kids were 9, 8, and 3....the living room flooded after a huge downpour, and the carpet was soaked. The smell was horrendous, and we had to move everything in the room to various parts of the house. It was in the middle of tax season, so my dh (CPA) was working longer hours, and I was left to deal with that, plus a full-time job.
I just am here to tell you that while I am far from the perfect mother, we all got through it together, and my children are 20, 18, and 13 (and seem to be fairly well adjusted). Plus, my dh and I are still very happily married (22 years and counting).
I wish I had been able to come to a place like this 11 years ago....I may have screamed a little less.
I think it's important that you vent, But..why do you have to always put everyone else's needs first? What would happen if one day a week, you went for a 2 hour walk? Why can't your dh watch while you go around the block by yourself? What would happen if you put the 9 year old "in charge", turned on a video and took a bubble bath? If you don't nurture yourself, you can't nurture your kids. It's not selfish to take care of yourself either.
I can't believe what a nerve you've touched in so many of us. It helps just to be reminded how many others have felt the same way and gotten through it. I know that none of you have been seen on the nightly news as on of those nightmare moms! If it's any help in knowing how much of a difference you are making, my mom was a SAHM until my sister was 2(we're 9 years apart) and she just stopped cooking cleaning and participating in our lives when she went back to school. I realize that that is a huge undertaking and am not belittling that decision at all but now my sister and I have very different viewpoints of my mom. I remember her sewing my Halloween costumes and making cupcakes. My sister just remembers her as distant and irritated by the inconvenience of being a mom. What you are doing is important and it is giving your kids a stability that no one else can. I recently got a "white noise" machine that plays the sound of ocean waves(my most favorite sound in the world) and when DH is home,I'll take a 1/2 hour in my room with that cranked up to cover the noise of kids screaming and toys being thrown and read or write out my feelings. I don't have to get dressed or take a shower (both of which might help but can feel like too much to accomplish) but I still get some time to myself. I hope this will help a little.
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