The other post got me thinking.
My inlaws never want to watch our children. They have 10 total grandkids and ours are the 3 youngest. Sometimes they will keep them for maybe an hour or so, but 9 times out of 10 they will be tired, busy, or just don't want to. They have never kept any of them over night because they say that they are too young. Ds-7, Ds-4, Dd-8 months. They have always said this about our kids, but when the other grandkids were that age they kept them ALL the time! The 4 out of the 10 have even lived with them at some time in the past. On birthday the big thing is for them to keep the birthday child over night and do special things with them. When it comes to our kids they will pick them up and take them to dinner and then bring them back within the hour.
This never really used to bother me until I realized that the other grandchildren started doing this when they were about 4 years old. My oldest is 7 and has never had the chance.
Now, last weekend she kept my 7 year old and their other 7 year old grandson over night. FIRST time ever that my ds had spent the night, and probebly the 20th time- no joke- that the other grandson had.
I know that they love our kids, they will always help out anyway that they can when we need help. They just never seem to have time for our kids.
They are ALWAYS driving 2 hours away to visit their daughter and her 4 kids, they constantly visit their other daughter and her 3 kids. But, they only come here-about 5 min. away- about once every 2-3 months!! Our 8 month old daughter screams her head off everytime one of them hold her because she doesn't know them!
We try to visit them but when we do we have to call first to make sure that they want company and half the time they say that they are too tired to have us over. OR we will get there and about 15-30 minutes later my MIL will say "Okay, it's time to make me happy twice." "Make me happy when you get here, and happy when you leave!"
I know this is getting long...sorry.
There are several things that my MIL has said to me since I've met her son.
When I first started dating her son she told me that she wished so and so, who is my good friend who interduced me to my dh, would have been her daughter in law! Geez
Then about 2 weeks before we were married, she told me that when sons marry they tend to "keep" with the brides family and associate with them more. Okay, so I took that as don't come around.
Then after we were married she gave me a big box full of my dh's childhood pictures and told me "When you guys split up or divorce I want these back!" She would say this and giggle like it was a joke, but it always hurt my feelings.
Needless to say she is odd, and hard to get close to. I have'nt got many gripes about my FIL. He is fine. It's just her.
We've been married almost 9 years and I still feel a barrier between her and I.
I don't want to sound like a bad mom, but somtimes it's nice to get a break from being mommy. They have only kept ds 7, over night once. My mom keeps him about once a month, so that helps a little. My 4 year old has only been away from us once overnight in his life, by my mom. Of course the baby has never been away, I would'nt let her anyway. Somrtimes I feel like Im going nuts! LOL I need a kid-less night soon!

Sorry so long...I just had to vent a little, well a lot. LOL

By Amy~moderator on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 10:49 am:

All I can say is, that's terrible. Have you ever directly asked them why???

By Texannie on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 11:09 am:

Unfortunately, you suffer from the youngest grandkid syndrome. My kids are the oldest, and my parents watched them all the time. My brother's are younger and frankly, my parents were kind of burnt out to watch them when they were little, plus they were older. It's not right and it's not fair, but it does sound like they are trying to make a compromise and still get to know the kids.
As to the comment your mil made about the bride's side of the family. Well, isn't that sort of true? A girl tends to keep stronger ties with her folks. My mil made the same sort of comment, but it was more of a wistful acknowledgement that she was losing her son. I just tried to work harder to make sure that didn't happen. Heck the bible even acknowledges that it happens "a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home...."

By Mara on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 12:37 pm:

I understand what you mean about being burnt out. But, they still keep the older ones over night all the time. The grandkids are ages, 14, 12, 11, 11,10, 9, 7, then mine are 7, 5 and the baby. There are 2 granddaughters that are 11 and 10 and they keep them a lot. They also keep the 14 year old grandson a lot. I know they are older but they kept them when they were young too.
They do love them and that is most important. My kids haven't noticed the differences yet, so until then I probebly won't say anything.

By Texannie on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 12:46 pm:

Maybe see if your 7 year old can go by herself. Maybe they feel overwhelmed with your younger too. But, man, 7 grandkids in front..i bet they are tired! LOL

By Sunny on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 01:13 pm:

A couple of things you wrote really stuck out. They are ALWAYS driving 2 hours away to visit their daughter and her 4 kids, they constantly visit their other daughter and her 3 kids. and Then about 2 weeks before we were married, she told me that when sons marry they tend to "keep" with the brides family and associate with them more.
I don't know your MIL and I don't know the family dynamics, but just from what you wrote, my guess is she feels closer to her daughters and is more involved with them. It's a choice she decided to make before you started having kids. Maybe she feels as if she would be seen as the "meddling MIL" if she tried to become more involved. Maybe she expected that her son and DIL would automatically be closer to your family and never tried to include you fully into her life. Maybe that's how it was when she married. Maybe she has some resentment issues. I don't know what she's thinking or if she could put it into words, but there is something keeping her from becoming as involved with her son's children as she is with her daughter's children.

My mother was very close to my kids and my sister's kids. My brother's wife was very close to her family. After my mom died, my SIL said to me that she had a talk with my mom and asked her why she never spent as much time with her kids as she did with our kids. My mom told her that she felt as if she would be interferring and didn't want to rock the boat. If only they had had that conversation before she got sick, I know there would have been a lot less hard feelings and more time spent with ALL the grandkids.

By Kay on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 01:26 pm:

Since this is your DH's mother, I think *he* should talk to her. Why should you carry all that on your shoulders, and feel upset or uncomfortable?

How does he feel about all this?

By Bobbie on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 01:33 pm:

I know exactly what you are saying..... I could have written that my self. Except... My children are the oldest on my side and they are in the youngest on DH's. There is nothing you can do about it. Just raise your children in love and don't make issues for them out of things you can't change. My children aren't any worse for the wear. They have built relationships with other people that give them structure and gives them the sense of family connection. And only your MIL knows why things are the way they are and confronting her won't change them... For the first 10 years of my oldest DD's life my Step MIL spelt my dd name wrong. And she is named after my FIL's grandmother.. So it wasn't like she couldn't find out how to spell the dang name. DD noticed and I just excused it away. Because my main concern is her emotional well being not the fact that my Step MIL is clueless to the importance to a child that someone they love spell their name right.. I think that in my case they are so wrapped up in their own little world that they forget the importance of family to a child. But like I said I can't change them, so I have fostered that feeling with my close friends and a couple of childless (not by choice) couples. Don't give up on giving them that just find another way to make that connection for them.. And no it isn't fair. But like I said there is no reasoning with people that just don't see they are doing anything wrong.

By Mommmie on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 01:50 pm:

Wow, I am so sorry so many of y'all have these issues! What a total bummer. I've never been married so I can't relate.

I do remember growing up my dad's parents were closer to their daughter's kids (my dad's sister) even though they lived 800 miles away and we were only 100 miles away. We, the grandkids, were all the same ages. In my case, I know why it was that way. My mother didn't really like her in-laws and said bad things about them when we were growing up. My mother made no effort to establish a relationship and complained every time they called or came over. My aunt, on the other hand, bent over backward to make sure there was a relationship between her kids and her folks despite the distance. As adults my cousins asked me why we made no effort to have a relationship with them. I said, My mother didn't like them. They said, but YOU could have a relationship now that you are an adult. True, but it never dawned on my to have one bec I grew up hearing bad things about these people and what was "normal" for me was no relationship and I felt like I would be betraying my mother. Her inlaws were very hateful to my mom, it turns out, and said very mean things to her ever since she married their son. I didn't know that until later. They are all dead now.

By Momoffour on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 02:16 pm:

I really feel for you Mara. I am going through the same thing with my Inlaws. luckly they live in Oregon and we are in OKlahoma. My oldest daughter is there first Grandkid and my twins are there last and youngest. What they did to my husband about 3 years ago did it in for me. I don't choose to comunicate with them anymore. My husband has a old truck that his dad put the downpayment on and my hubby paid it off well his Dad used the truck without us knowing as coladeral on a new truck that he bought. As long as he made the payments we would be okay. So he got to where he couldnt make the payments on it and the bank took it back. Well they wanted hubbys truck. So my father inlaw wanted us to come down and visit but he said we should bring the truck without our knowlege the bank was looking for it. Sil called and told dh that once the we get into town and the bank sees it they will take it because she also lost a vehical due to his stupidity. We didn't go we kept the truck out here. My father inlaw told hubby that he would work something out with the bank and send the title. Well this went on for over a year FIL keep saying they lawyer is involved don't worry you'll get you title. 3 seperate time he said okay bank cleared the title its on its way. We get nothing call fil back weres the title ohh the bank lost it I'll do it again. still nothing. Then he says I'll go to dmv and file for new or lost title and send it out to you still nothing he did this twice to us. Then we get this in the Mail that showed a change of title we then take it to the insurance office here and find out that it is a fake and that if we took it to the tag office that it was a federal affince and hubby could get into a lot of trouble. Well I decided to call dmv in oregon and they said no one has called or had did anything with the vehcial. I called the bank and the lady said that he has never contacted them about the truck or transfering any title that we could by the truck buy the truck from the bank and they would send us the title. The thing that made me Mad as h??? was we pay this money and it helps fil out. So we paid 500.00 to get the truck back and fil denied it the whole time. Sorry so long I just had to vent with you. It has really hurt hubbys realtionship with his Dad and he still lies and lies to us and to top it all of this Man is a pastor.

By Vicki on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 03:20 pm:

Mara, I really believe that it is because it is her son and not her daughter. I can't explain why because I have no idea, but it is EXACTLY the same way with my in laws. Both dh and I have talked with his mom about it and nothing changes. My problem isn't as extream as yours as she will keep my dd when we ask, but she never just calls and asks to have her. I would be in all my glory if the woman just wanted to spend time with my dd. I am so close to my grandmother and I know that is a special relationship. My mother passed away 16 years ago, so my dd has never known her. It breaks my heart that my MIL is the only example of what a grandmother is. It also breaks my heart even more because I know my mom would have been that dooting grandmother who just loved her to pieces and did things with her. I have never been stand offish with my MIL and before I had dd, we had a great relationship. But they way she does EVERYTHING with my SIL's kids and nothing with our dd has really made me feel different about her. It is so sad and I wish I understood it, but I don't!! Just know that your not alone!!

By Coopaveryben on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 03:27 pm:

My Mom told me, it's just so different when your daughter has a baby...you can't help it but you just feel closer to them, you know you can say anything and not hurt your daughters feelings and the kids will always be available. (I am the only girl.) My brothers are always at there MIL house's, my one brother built there house next to his MIL and FIL. They may see my parents once a month, I see them several times a week. I don't have a MIL so I can't compare, she passed away when I was 19.

This conversation scares me so much, since I have three boys.

What I can't believe is that you have to call them to ask if you can come over??!! And then they ask you to leave?? That is really strange to me.

I understand needing a break my oldest has only ever spent the night away 1 time and we have not had an entire night alone in 6 years too. I hear ya, I'm trying to orchastrate a get away for our anniversary in May. I will have to divide the kids up, asking one person to keep all three of mine would be to difficult.