Positive Attitude?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive January 2008:
Positive Attitude?
Is this something you either have or you don't? As many of you know, this has been quite a stressful year. I wish I could just be positive about the whole thing.
So, if a positive attitude is something you develop, any suggestions?
I do think some people are just naturally more positive than others. However, I also know that my faith is a HUGE part in my positive outlook. I know from both scripture and personal experience that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rom. 8:28) Just knowing (and having seen) that God uses the valleys--and gutters--of my life experience to make me the person He wants me to be helps me to sustain a positive outlook.
I think a positive attitude 100% affects how you deal with situations.
I do not think it is something that comes naturally to everyone. I know it is something I have had to work on. I also know that being positive has made my life less stressful and more enjoyable.
I started a few years ago by keeping a gratitude journal. It caused me to start seeing how very lucky I am.
I also got real about some issues. I wrote down the things that have upset me and I burned them as a symbol of letting go. My biggest turning point was no longer letting toxic people hurt me. I removed myself from situations and I stopped responding to BS that a few relatives caused. I noticed that by not responding (and giving them the results they wanted) I could change the outcome. I have less problems with the relatives and they no longer control my happiness.
Another turning point for me was when I started concentrating on doing for others. I started a contest with my family to see who could do the most random acts of kindness. We started volunteering. Once you start opening your eyes to how bad OTHER people have it, it is easy to count your blessings.
I don't naturally have an optimistic outlook on life and have battled depression off and on most of my adult life but this last year has really helped me grow in the area of a positive attitude. As Pam said, I've had some lessons pointed out to me that I never would have learned if I hadn't had some really tough times in life and becoming more grateful and aware of the blessings in my life has helped me learn to look for the positive when I start getting bogged down in the uncomfortable realities of daily living.
It all depends on what your expectations are. If you have high expectations of people, things, and situations...you're bound to be disappointed.
We've moved 4 times this year and with every move, my expectations changed and we became more and more content. We also became smarter and stronger by communicating.
I learned to talk with my husband more and more about *planning*. Not everything falls into place with a plan, but writing things out helped and asking him how he planned on helping this plan along helped.
Think about various plans...A, B, and C plans and write down what both of you are going to do should something happen to plan A, etc.
I know you guys are having a hard time right now, but I honestly know that you are going to get through this by using each other's gifts and trusting each other. Ask if you can take care of certain situations and ask what situations he wants to take charge in...talk, talk, talk...
Honestly, I throw one heck of a fit and then I get down to business.
As Heidi said, your mind is filled with expectations of what will make you happy. These have been collected over years, both consciously, and unconsciously. They affect and even determine your choices in a way that you may not be aware. Hidden assumptions and false beliefs lead you down road to disappointment, frustration, and other emotional reactions.
Emotional reactions usually stem from your assumptions about how life “ought to be” not from actual events. You create assumptions about people, relationships, business deals, etc.. We start forming these assumptions from birth. Your false assumptions (beliefs) become the set up to future emotional reactions. Awareness provides the presence of mind to see the assumptions and false beliefs before you invest in them. Clarity allows you to perceive what is really happening instead of following the false beliefs of your mind.
Awareness of the mind and how to direct its thoughts, beliefs and emotions, opens new avenues of possibility. Your life becomes vastly different when you are the one directing your mind instead of letting it direct you.
When you express love, acceptance, and respect, you create happiness within. When you express judgments, fear, jealousy, and anger you experience emotional chaos. The challenge is to to recognize the directing your mind is taking. You are the only one who can determine the thoughts you think, the words that come out of your mouth, and the emotions you create. Your thoughts, choices and interpretations you make are based in your core beliefs. When you change your core beliefs you change the emotional quality of your life. Core beliefs are hardened, rock-like thoughts and assumptions usually based on early choices and decisions than are likely long forgotten.
The power to change your life and create happiness resides with you. No one else can change what you believe and what you express.
We can definitely choose to be positive thinking or just the other way around, be miserable and negative. Happiness is something YOU experience. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of YOU. It's the same as love. YOU experience it whether the object of your affection feels the same way or not.
One of my favorite quotes is by Abraham Lincoln
"I guess a man is as happy as he sets his mind to be"
Oh I agree with Bobbie! I would say in general I am not that positive but I am getting better. I'm slowly letting go of all the rules I created for myself on how my life should go or what I should have accomplished. That has been helping alot. I know when I have a lot of stressful things thrown at me it's hard to see the good in anything. Maybe if things calm down for you and you can feel a little more settled some good things will come to your attention.
In general, I'm not a natural positive thinker. I also have a gratitude journal and it has REALLY helped me. I do think some people are and some people aren't naturally positive thinkers.
Ditto Bobbie!! My attitude is completely affected by my expectations, and I admit that often my exectations are high and then I'm disappointed. I'm working on my expectation level. It's not that I should LOWER my expectations, it's just that I shouldn't even have them sometimes. Just roll with it instead. We are plan, plan, planners and when things don't go the way we "planned", DH handles it well and I don't. I completely agree with Heidi - especially when things seem to be going haywire, you have to *really* communicate and get SPECIFICS on a plan that you set together.
Sometimes I get my expectations going in my head for something, never communicate them to DH, (isn't he supposed to be a mind reader??")) and then wonder why things "went wrong", when actually it was never communicated to begin with. It's a constant lesson for me personally.
"When you express judgments, fear, jealousy, and anger you experience emotional chaos"
This is where I am at I think. I never wanted to come here so I have a predetermined expectation that things will not go well. I am passing judgement. I also "fear" that we won't have the quality of life we had elsewhere. Jealousy is definitely there. I feel jealous of the fact that DH made this decision based on his mother's wishes for us to be closer and ignored my wishes on the matter. Finally...anger is definitely there...that is obvious!
I really need to think of the things that are positive about this place. There are lots of good things about the move:
-when we sold our home we sold it for double what we paid for it which allowed us to pay off all our debt but the car (we could pay it off but the interest rate is so low we felt we were better off collecting interest on the money rather than paying it off)
-DD is learning to speak another language
-we spent some time over the holidays with family (yes, I caved and went)
So, I really need to allow myself to think about those things instead of all the things that have gone and are going wrong.
"It's a constant lesson for me personally." Amen!!  And you have to choose to take the class/lesson in positive thinking. It isn't something forced on you, like PE in school. You either choose to turn around your life or you choose to live in the "I wishes", "I should have's" and/or "If only I's". It is my expereince that all those "I" expectations will only turn around and bite you in the end. Only you control the out look on your life. You have decided what will make you happy and those expectations are set by you not anyone else. If you are breathing then you can turn things around.
Self evaluation is one of the first steps. Journalling the positives and making them your focus is also a good jump off point. If you are only seeing everything thing through resentments then you are missing all the positives. I think the thing that has helped me the most is looking at the world around me. No matter how bad I have had it, I could force (and yes it wasn't easy at first) myself to see the ways I am have been fortunate in life.
I have been with DH for 20 years this coming June, most people in this day and age can't say that. I have four healthy children, also something many can't say. I have my health, in spite of how bad I have it someone has it worse. I have never gone to bed hungry. I have never slept in a box or a homeless shelter. I have never had a situation I couldn't talk (think) myself through or out of and I have had some pretty crappy things happen to me over the past 36+ years. The thing I recognize the most in myself is the fact that I am smart, not just book smart but life smart and there are so many out there that are not. So in spite of my let downs and my struggles in life, I have had a good life and through the grace of God I have grown every year into the person God has meant for me to be because I have never settled for feeling sorry for myself and I have accepted (or am working towards acceptance) of the responsiblity of my own happiness.
Happiness as I stated in my previous post, doesn't come from my DH, my kids, my home, my appearance, my income... It comes from the choice I make when I roll out of bed that morning. Some days, fewer than I use to have, I have a pitty party day. I might wake up in pain today and I allow myself to baby myself but the goal is to wake up and have a better day tomorrow. So I take the steps I know will make the next day a better day. If I have a set back, I recognize it as such and I move on. Beating myself up does no good. I am here for a purpose, I am "poor" for a reason, I am learning things through my struggles because there is a greater plan out there for my life that I am not aware of yet. These struggles have made me who I am and yes life hurts at times but if I hadn't seen my lows my highs wouldn't be as beautiful as they are. If I wasn't learning acceptance and if I wasn't learning to stand up when I have been knocked down I wouldn't be who I am today and I would be limiting myself to a life I am not sure would be better than the life of struggles I have had.
I can say that I really like me because I have chosen too.. I am also proud of me because I have chosen to be..
I think another issue beyond the positive thinking gene, is the primary personality trait/temperament categories you fall under. Type A personality, type B or type AB. Or even deeper, where you fall into the Sixteen Personality Types. Some people are condtioned, nurture vs nature, into their personality types and some people are prone to look at the negativity in life because they have conditioned themselves into a set of expectations that can not be met in the easy manner they assume they should be. (life seems to work for others around them) The only positives to some personality types are the things that fall into their ideal of perfection, proper etc. Anything outside of their views of perfection is a let down, failure.
This is one of the core reasons why marriages fail by the way. From birth we start setting up ideals of perfection in ourselves and those around us. To be a good person, to have a full life, to be successful, all of the above has to happen. These are often not things you consciously decide. You hear something, see something, feel something and you store those things in your mind and you set out to prevent/control those things from happening to you. When you are out of control of your external stimuli, as you are now, you tend to slip into a "depression" of thoughts, emotions. Life is now out of control because all of the internal/subconscious expecatations are not being met. In a situation of loss of security, the unknown and you life becomes out of control.
These emotions are normal for anyone in your situation but you can take control back in spite of the situation you are in, your lack of positve thinking, personality type. You just have to plant your feet and stop yourself from being sucked down in the avalanche of negative emotions/fears...
We have a choice. I choose to live by faith, faith in the fact that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and that in time I will understand all things. I have a choice.. I am living this life, this life is not living me....... I will take it as it comes and I will over come it because I will not allow any other thing to happen. I have been given gifts even at my lowest of times and I will strive to find those gifts even in my darkest of moments because I choose not to let this life beat me. God has given me the freedom of choice and I choose to find the grace of God in my life. I have also noted in my own life, that when I focus on the negative more negative comes, if I focus on the positives more positives come.
The statement "You can't teach an old dog new tricks", does not apply to the human mind. A conscious choice for change and your human abilities are endless. Mind over matter..
((((Paula)))) you can come out of this a much happier person in the end if you will just allow life to happen... Your DH's intentions are honorable and I honestly believe in time you will be able to see this in him and yourself if you work towards it. Life will only be as good as you allow it to be, dwelling on negativity will never create happiness... Time to change your focus and if you back slide into anger etc.. get over it and start a new the next day.
I haven't read all of the above (but plan to later on), but just at a glance, I wanted to say, YES, attitude affects everything in your life, NO, I don't believe people are just *born* with good attitudes, and I also wanted to say that you CAN change the way you think about things and react to things. I know because I've done it. And even though I have my down/negative moments, in the past 15 years or so, I have, overall, changed the way I react to situations and changed my general outlook. More later..hopefully...LOL
I keep trying to tell Emily that she can choose have a better attitude about stuff, than she occasionally does, but I have no idea if it's sinking in or not! LOL!
Dawn, in my experience, for many people, it takes something life altering, or just really hitting bottom with your outlook and attitude to decide to change things.
I agree with Yvonne, that it doesn't necessarily come naturally to everyone, and that you DO have to work on it.
And I agree with all Bobbie has said.
I think that one of the biggest problems MANY people have is that they DO have expectations and have formed definite opinions concerning what they want, what they want to do, where they want to be, where they THINK they should be in their lives. The thing is, life DOESN'T always go according to plan, you have to change your plans and adapt, and there go your expections.
Another thing is, I think if you were raised and taught to be negative and have a bad attitude or negative outlook, then you live your life that way, not realizing what you are putting on yourself. I fall into that particular category.
My mom and my grandparents were the *glass half empty* type of people. My mom immediately began looking for the negative things in new situations or new people, totally ignoring the obvious, positive things about them. Being raised by someone with that mindset, I discovered that I very often did the same thing.
It took a number of things for me to change my outlook and attitude. One of them was getting closer to my sister who had moved to CA 24 years ago. She was always so *up*, so positive, always looking at the bright side of life and people and situations. I couldn't understand how she could be so *happy*. It took a while to realize, she had gotten AWAY from the negative influences on her life, she had a new outlook, she had taken control of her life and her feelings.
Another thing that affected me was learning that it was OK to eliminate the toxic people in my life. That alone made a huge difference for me.
And another huge thing was, of course, when my mom got so sick and was diagnosed with lung cancer. Actually the change in my attitude/thoughts came before she had her diagnosis, because we had been dealing with her alcoholism, and it got to the point where I just refused to play the game anymore.
So, I realize that my situations are specific to me, but really, a lot of us can pinpoint very similar things in our lives, and take control of how we react to them, and how we feel about things, and how we allow things to affect us.
As was said, it's a constant lesson for me, as well. And like Bobbie, with my own health issues, I have good days and bad, and I can ALWAYS find someone who has it worse.
So, if you look at what you HAVE rather than what you DON'T have, it makes all the difference in the world. And if you have a bad day, you are just HUMAN.
... ditto everyone. And - when you have those negative emotions, embrace them for what they are, allow yourself to experience them without guilt and then move on. I LOVE my heritage as a Sicilian. I can vent, get all bent out of shape, and then it's over and I move on.
Ame
To add, someone once told me...
"If you were to put all your troubles in the same pile as everyone else's and had to choose which ones you'd have...you'd choose your own again."
That's the only quote that got me through Scott's deployment while I was taking care of my schizophrenic mom, changing her diapers, not leaving her alone (ever), giving her baths, etc...all the while I was taking care of Connor at 18 months of age. It could always always be worse.
Heidi, that's exactly what got my sister through my nephew's treatments for PKU and leukemia. She looked around at the hospital, and was always able to find someone that she felt was dealing with worse things than she is. She NEVER showed a negative attitude.
My siblings and I were brought up in a very positive home, and we all have that same outlook in life. My hubby struggles to see the positives the way I do. I'm doing my best to pass the half full attitude on to my kids.
I appreciate all the insight in this area. I tend to worry about things that I have no control over. Tonight my DH told me that he is starting to spiral again (he struggles with depression). I think a lot of that is the stress that I have been putting on him. I have been so negative about this move. We're here, we've sold our home in Alberta so really there is no going back (we wouldn't be much further ahead since we would have to pay top dollar to get another one) so I might as well start looking at the positives and get over it!
Thanks ladies!
Paula - I also worry about the things I have no control over, PLUS all the ones I am able to change. My brain is on overdrive most of the time, so I can relate to that. You're in a situation now that you weren't sold on to begin with, so it's even more difficult to get past the negatives because in your mind maybe it wasn't necessary. I know that soon everything will get better for you all and you'll start to get more adjusted to the changes. {{HUGS}}
One of the lessons my mom taught me, I think without intending it to be a lesson, was "look at that". By this I mean that as we went about our day, in the car, in a mall, on the street, Mom would say "look at those pretty flowers", "isn't that little girl pretty", "did you see that cute puppy", "listen to the birds singing", and so on. What my mom taught me, without intending to, was to recognize and enjoy moments of happiness, no matter what else was happening in my life. It took a long time to sink in, but it did finally become part of my life. I can be having a totally dreadful day, and see a bunch of daffodils and just enjoy the daffs for the moment; or have a co-worker say something nice and appreciate the niceness for the moment; see something that makes me laugh, and allow myself to laugh. Even on my worst days I see or hear or experience moments that break into the gloom.
I think some of it is, truly, allowing yourself to be happy. I have had many struggles with my youngest, because he has a small capacity for allowing himself to be happy, and a large capacity for seeing the worst in everything, including himself. It's only in the last couple of years that he has started allowing himself to enjoy life and to see the positives in himself - much of which I credit to his infatuation with my granddaughter and her obvious fondness for him. Whatever - whatever it takes to make him allow himself to be happy, I am all for it.
Thinking about this some more, I think part of it is also letting go. Let go of the things you can't change - you have moved, and here you are. So, let go of your not wanting to move, your anger about the move, and try to find ways to find the good things about the move (which you are already doing). You can't change the past, you are where you are. The question is, do you spend your days and energy clinging to the negatives of what has already happened, or find ways to move foward and build some positives from where you are now?
Ditto Ginny! I think a huge part of my personal changes was letting go - you might be surprised how much better you feel emotionally/mentally when you can let go of things!
Agreed, Letting go... a hard lesson to learn but it is going to be the best lesson in your life.
Paula,
I can't remember if I've written about the fact that it was a post of yours (and the responses!)that made me join momsview.
I am also going through some scary financial changes because of my partner's choices. My DH left a high paying programming job with a major company last year in order to learn to be a . . . massage therapist. This decision resulted in a 90% reduction in income while he was in school. When (if) he has a full practice, he will be making less than half his old salary and have none of the benefits.
Am I happy about this? No, not even now, 15 months after his resignation. I am, however, starting to believe that he really had to get out of his former job, even if he didn't articulate the reasons very well at the time.
At first I felt terrified and helpless. I couldn't earn enough to make up the shortfall. So I tried to really think about what exactly I was afraid of and what was essential to keep. I got really, really specific about dollar amounts needed, insurance coverage, my health issues, and pinpointed what things made me feel helpless. Once I knew what they were I figured out what to do about them. (One big helplessness issue for me was limited mobility due to knee pain. DH compromised and found part-time computer work to get health insurance, and I had knee surgery last spring.)
I won't go into all the things I've done this year, but step by step I've prepared myself and my family for having less money without it being a disaster. In fact, I've actually spent more in the short term, because I put my foot down and demanded that my dear depressive daughter get into therapy, and I'm fixing up our house in case we need to sell. (DD's doing better, but if we do need to move house, it's going to be a challenge.)
It's been a hard year between my husband and me. He is still in denial about what this change means financially. I'm only just starting to be able to appreciate the good he can do for people. The "project" I'm starting on now is to get us united again. I need to slowly, gently show him our diminishing resources; convince him that I can't magically make pots of money after 20 years of unemployment; and get him on board the boat to Spend Less Land. I need to show him that I respect his abilities in his new work.
One last thing: I injured my knee by trying to avoid making my back hurt. The back trouble started over 20 years ago. I've told doctors this, I've told physical therapists this. Nobody was able to help. Last week DH found the source of the pain and taught me how to get rid of it whenever it flares up. I move more freely now. My strength has increased even in just one week. Like I said, my limited mobility made me feel helpless when I was confronted with DH's career change. Now it turns out that his new career is helping me recover my long lost mobility.
So, I guess that's how I go about being positive.
Mlee, yes you have mentioned it. I'm glad that I helped you join such a wonderful supportive group. They really are amazing here.
We are fortunate enough that our home sold and I do have a full time job. Things were quite tight for about a month or so while we waited for the house to sell but now that it has, we are doing alright. Eventually we will have to curb our spending somewhat but financially we are alright. DH has EI (employment insurance) for about 8 months so he is bringing in some income and I have a decent job (although temporary for this year). But, even if I don't have a job next year, there is always subbing.
I started to try to be more positive today. We went for a walk and I decided that if one of my kids got seriously hurt or worse tomorrow, I wouldn't be comforted by the fact that we have a nice home or new cars in the driveway. I would be comforted by the fact that my family is within driving distance (furthest being a 7 hour drive) to comfort me. So, I am beginning to learn (with the help of everyone here and a dear friend whom I talked to for 2 hours today on the phone) that there are more important things than nice cars and high paying jobs.
Good luck to you and your family. I know things will work out for you.
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