Kids and Chores
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive March 2004:
Kids and Chores
I was talking to this mom at church, her son is now 17, and she was telling me how they don't make him help out with anything around the house, never have. She said they have such a short time to enjoy their childhood and it's just easier if they do it themselves.
This got me to thinking, if there is anyone out there with this theory I would really like to hear from you and why you would feel this way, I am wagering there are not many, if any on this board. This philosphy really interest me. I would also like to know what you expect from your children as adults?
If you make your children do chores, what do you have them do and what age are they?
I don't really feel totally that way, but I do know that I am more care free about it than others. My mom did pretty much have that theory, but I think it was because she was the oldest girl of many children and HAD to do much of the running of the house, so she didn't want me to have the same childhood. My dd is 9 and she has to pick up her own play room and clean out the littler boxes (she wanted a kitten) and feed the dogs. That is pretty much it. I also don't see myself making her clean the house as she gets older... so maybe I do feel that way some what! But I do feel she should pick up after herself!! I am interested to see what others do! Great question!!
I guess I expect a lot from my ds (he is 6). I want him to be a responsible adult and the only way he can learn that is to have responsibilities. In the a.m. his bed it to be made. His dirty clothes are to go in the hamper, the sleeping room is to be picked up before he goes to school. When he comes home from school, he is to do his homework, take out the trash and put away his clean clothes. Then he is free to play until dinner. After dinner, he helps clear the table, clean up the play room & living room (toys never stay in the play room). Then its shower time and he picks up his mess from the bathroom. Dd will have the same responsibilities when she gets a little older (she's 2) but right now we are lucky to get her to help clean up the toys from the play room and the living room.
My kids have things they are responsible for. I dont make them clean the house. They are to pick up their clothes and put them in the laundry basket. They are to throw their paper plates or napkins in the trash, or put their plates in the sink.My son is responsible for feeding the dogs and the fish, not great big tasks.
I do give them responsibilities.
I do agree it's easier to do things myself. It's the lazy approach as it's harder to train your kids to do things, and much easier to just do them yourself. My almost eight year old has no chores. Lately I've been asking her to take her dirty dishes to the counter after eating. That's the whopping extent of her responsibilities. My three year old has no chores. Homework can be done at any time, including the morning of school. (there's not much homework at this time) I think it's easier to do this with fewer kids. If you have three or more I imagine you NEED their help just to maintain the house. I don't NEED the girls' help, altho I'm sure I would appreciate it and will probably regret my lax approach at some point. I do intend to ease them into a few more things as time goes by. But I'm the stay at home mom and I chose to be that way and I find the house my and my husband's responsibility. The kids and their toys and clothes are also my and my husband's responsibility. Growing up I had to put clean sheets on my bed and dry dishes, all starting at age 12. That was the extent of it, and as an adult I had no trouble taking responsibility for my house and such having not done it in childhood. Maybe it depends on temperament, but just because you're not made to do chores as a child doesn't mean you'll be lazy or not know how to do them as an adult. But if your temperament is to slack off, then growing up with no chores would probably be a detriment.
My boys are 3-1/2 and my oldest will be 6 in a few weeks. My oldest has to clean his room and make his bed each morning. He also has a hamper in his room for dirty clothes. I help my youngest clean his room and make his bed in the mornings. He also puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. My dks have a playroom with most of their toys, so cleaning their rooms is pretty easy. Now, the playroom is their space. I do make them pick everything up off the floor once a week so I can vacumn(sp?). Other then that, they can do whatever they want in there. I just close the door if it gets out of control. However, my oldest is pretty neat and he usually keeps things picked up. They do carry their plates to the sink when they are done eating. Also, before bed they pick up any toys that were left through out the house and put them back in the playroom. My dks love to play in their playroom, so this doesn't happen to much.
I also starting giving them $2.00 a week if they help me with my chores. They can do things like dust, use the swifter on the floor, help me with laundry, load/unload the dishwasher, etc. I started this about a month ago and there is not one week that they both haven't helped so they could get their $2.00.
I do think having chores is very important in teaching them responsibility. They also need to learn to do for themselves. I think you do your kids a big disservice by doing everything for them. If we don't teach them to take care of themselves, then how will they function when they are out on their own.
My older sis told me that when her son got to college, he was one of the few boys there who actually knew how to do things like cook and the laundry. She was a single mom and taught both her kids to help out...consequently, he wasn't helpless and also made a good husband later! I'm all for that!
My dd is 7 & loves to wash the dishes. I let her rinse them after supper & then i put them in the dish washer & I wash the pots & pans. She loves to do it & she does it every night. I take her on the weekends & let her buy stuff Books & sorts like that or if she wants a certain outfit i let her get it.
She has to make her own bed though & pick up her room. She wanted the dog more than enything so she feeds him everyday. Which she gets upset if anyone else does it. The only thing that I really have to make her do is clean her room & make her bed she loves to do everything else. I pay her & she budgets her money wisely, which makes me very proud of her !! She is 7 & she watches for sales !
I don't know what I am going to do for my DD. She is only 4 months old right now, so I have a while. My parents didn't have me do anyhthing when I was little, except clean my room. I think that every kid should have to do that. As for when I got older (13), I helped practically raise my brother and sister. I helped them with homework, sometimes made dinner (microwave), and I even had to iron everyones clothes. I didn't like it and would never have my DD do any of that. Just keep it simple, because after all you are only a kid once
Well, my best friend had a mother that did that too. She never had to do anything but have fun. Well now she is 29 and her house is terrible, she has no idea how to clean it. She doesn't know how to cook, clean, do laundry. She is so helpless and now she has a dughter and i don't think i have ever seen her in a clean outfit. I think when they are young, 5 or 6, thats when they are having fun. My dd is 8 now and she is learning to do laundry and small things but i don't make her yet. She earns money by helping out. By 17 i will EXPECT her to help out. She will leave my house one day knowing how to clean and cook and take care of herself!! At that rate that boy may never leave home, why should he?
I met an adult whose mother came over to clean her filthy apartment. She couldn't even put her dirty clothes in a hamper.
I was raised not having to do chores. Mother was a stay at home mom and keeping the house and laundry was her gig (as well as playing tennis league every day). My dad worked at a high level job and my brother and I went to school and did our activities, worked part-time if we wanted, and homework. Our rooms were left up to us though. Clean, messy, who cares, it was our problem. We were not on allowances either.
When I went to college I learned how to iron (a senior taught me the 2nd day I was there and I needed to iron my dress for sorority rush) and run a washer and dryer. When I moved from the dorm I learned some other stuff. I'm 40 now and I'm learning more about how to cook. I didn't think it was that big a deal I didn't learn this stuff when I was 9. I would have to do it soon enough and when I needed to learn it I did.
For my son, age 9, I don't have set things for him to do. But I will say, can you put your dishes in the sink for me or can you put your dirty clothes in the hamper for me. And he will with no problem or attitude. If I said, the rule is You Will Always Put Your Dirty Clothes in the Hamper I'm just setting up a battle sequence I don't care to have. Something for us to argue about that to me is so silly.
Homework is up to him. He does it and I sign his log or he doesn't do it and I don't sign and the teacher gives him a detention. I don't care when he does it. He has never not done it.
I have 5 sons. If I were to do it all, I would spend all of my time cleaning. My philosophy, which I tell my kids and truly believe, is that we all live in the house so we all have to contribute to it's upkeep. I am their mother, not their maid. They don't have specific chores, although I do expect them to clean up after themselves, but I try to get all of them working together. I usually say, "trash, toys and clothes" and they know what I mean. When I do heavy cleaning, I have them help me. Even my 19 month old will put the trash in the trash can if you ask him. All of my sons will be taught how to cook, clean, sew, vacuum, do laundry, etc. They will also be taught how to make a budget, balance a checkbook, handle household finances and will learn about saving and investing for the future. All of this is taught in the school and reinforced at home.
IMO, if kids aren't taught these things, and I'm referring more to boys than girls, they can easily grow up and expect someone else to take care of it for them. If Mom always did it for them, why not their wife? I don't think it happens in all cases, but from talking to other wives and from my own experience, it happens more often than we would like to think it does. Just my 2 cents.
I agree 100% with Sunny! That's our philosophy--that we are a family and a family all contributes and helps out to make things run smoothly. My boys do get an allowance, but it is not chore dependent. Again, we see it as the family's money and they get some part of it--just like I didn't have to go broke when I was a SAHM.
I have 7 and 10 y/o DS'. They have to make up their beds, keep their rooms picked up, put away their clean clothes, pick up anything of theirs that makes it into the den/living room/kitchen, alternate setting the table, and they each have a pet to feed daily. They started picking up their toys around age 2 and making their own beds at age 4.
Yes, it would be easier for me to do this stuff myself most of the time and it would be done better too . However, that would be teaching them no responsibility and I want them to know the work that it takes to run a household. They also both help me cook on occasion and my oldest DS has helped me plan a week's menu, grocery shop, and completely cook a meal (entree, sides, bread, and dessert). They both know how to sort laundry and wash clothes though I don't make them do it. As they get older they will start assuming resposnibility for mowing the lawn and helping with yard word too.
My mom got pregnant at 15 and was married with a baby at 16. She had lived a privileged life as a doctor's daughter with a full-time maid and knew how to do NOTHING!!! She made sure to train each of us well, so we wouldn't have to learn with the baptism-by-fire method that she learned by. She always maintained the bulk of the housekeeping, but we were responsible for our rooms, the pets, and laundry. We each cooked a few times a month in highschool. My 30 y/o brother is probably the best cook in the family...quite a gourmet!
I remember hearing James Dobson on the radio a few years ago talk about having an action plan for raising our children. He said to literally make a list of what you would like them to know how to do by the time they are 18. Things like Sunny mentioned--balancing a checkbook, doing laundry, cooking, simple sewing, etc. and then consciously make an effort to teach these skills. I haven't written anything down, but I do have a mental list of these things and do work on them specifically. By the time my boys go to college I want them to know how to take care of themselves and their stuff and be responsible young men. My DILs will thank me one day.
I see our jobs as parents as to make our children more independent with each passing day. I will feel I have succeeded as a parent if I have sons who love me and enjoy spending time with me, but don't NEED me (except sometimes emotionally and as a voice of wisdom/experience). If they can be independent responsible young men then I have done my job well.
I completely agree with Sunny and Pam. And Pam, I think that advice about writing down the skills you want to teach them is an excellent tip!! Thank you for sharing that...I am going to use it!
Some things are just plain and simple good manners. My boys have picked up their dirty plates off the table since they were big enough to reach the counter. I have had people comment many times after having the boys over on how well mannered they are.
Do they help with chores? OF course they do. They have too or I would be cleaning nonstop 24/7 and I have more common sense than that. Are we anal about their rooms? No.
Are they learning to cook? Oh yeah!
They know how to bake cookies from scratch, make mac n cheese, make grilled cheese, pudding, oatmeal, and make tea and Kool aid. They probably know how to cook more than that, but that is all that comes to mind. Cooking is GREAT hands on reading and math lessons. Not to mention it's a life skill they will need as adults. Its also fun to do together.
They know how to care for plants and animals. And they have been taught to think of other people.
Right now my middle ds is getting up every morning and going down to the neighbors (on vacation) house to feed and water their dog. I haven't had to remind him once this week. I have told him each time he has been asked to do this (which has been many times over the last 2 years) NOT to expect to be paid for this. Helping out our neighbors is something we should do out of kindness--not because we think we will be getting money. Anyway, they always bring him something from their trips.
Last week my oldest pulled in trash cans for an elderly lady (we all have long driveways). He was asked if he'd like to do this more often for her and he was thrilled to have made her day. This week my middle ds saw someones trash can blowing around in the middle of the street and he pulled it up to their garage because he didnt want them to lose their trash can.
The oldest knows how to work on go-carts, bike's, and 4-wheelers (ok with supervision on that last one LOL) He is 11 and CAN use the washer and dryer.
Today my oldest started the Red Cross Babysitting course. It is a 2-day course on how to babysit and how to do CPR. I was shocked at the info in his folder when I picked him up. Awesome class! There were as many boys taking the class as girls! I think he is thinking of this as a way to earn some money to put towards his first car. Not to mention he will be working on my Dad's farm this summer helping out with the horses from time to time.
I think boys and girls need to be taught how to do a VERY WIDE range of things. Not only should they know how to do basic housework which isnt rocket science. They should also be taught how to think of others and use good manners.
Like I said I think they should be taught a wide range of things. The lady you talked of probably wants her ds to 'need' her. Whereas our goal is to get the kids to a point where they DONT need us. LOL!
I have done my own laundry since I was 11 and during summer break I always cleaned the house while my mom was at work. I also mowed the yard. When I was young my Mom always had me helping her and she was always showing me how to do things. My parents paid me to do extra like mow and clean.
My DH was a long awaited only child. His mother did everything for him. She never made him do anything and when we first got married I think he had a hard adjustment to make, luckily he has a good personality and was willing to jump in and learn.
I haven't really started much with my boys yet, my oldest has to make his bed, and sweep his room when he is off school. They are always helping me cook and some days I make them help me dust, sweep, or whatever. I don't think I am consistent enough to make him do the same thing everyday, I don't like to do the same thing everyday.
It was really interesting hearing what everyone thought about this topic. Thank you for all the responses.
I agree 100% with Conni. And my children have been raised the same way. My DS takes the elderly neighbors trash out every week and he places her can back and he DOESN'T get paid. We just had a snow storm. He spent his snow day shoveling snow for a few of the elderly and ill in our neighborhood for free. God gave him strength, health and youth. Helping out the elderly, ill, weak is helping out HIS least.
Anyway, My children do not have chores. I do the majority of the house work. But I do take every opportunity to include them in the not so fun things in life. We do laundry, dishes, cook meals as a family. We all are a signed tasks. Some times I am the task master, sometimes I let one of the kids be in charge. They help from the start of meal preparation to the putting away of the clean dishes after words. We talk about the days events or shows that we are wanting to see or what ever comes up. My kids do not see these things as chores they see them as being a part of a family. A family that they are responsible for just as much as their father and I are. If the trash needs taken out who ever is their when it needs it done does it. Seldom do I have to say hey can you get that trash. The laundry is done the same way. If I start the machine and DD walks by and the drier goes off she pulls the clothes and starts a new load. I still do most of the folding but DD 14 is starting to watch me on the harder things and will unfold them and refold so that she will learn how to fold with out causing major wrinkles in the clothes. I have taught all my children from early on that my job is their primary teacher not just their care giver. I am the one that has them from birth to 18. I am the one that is consistent and I also know their strengths and their limits. My children know money doesn't grow on tree's. They also know that water doesn't come out of no where. And that cable isn't a free service. They know there are limits in life and that some times hard work leaves you tiered and proud all in the same moment. These are life lessons that I have taught my children.
And as far as it not effecting your child to not make them responsible because they are just a child. I had a nice chat with DD teacher last week. He has taught for 32 years. He said that you can tell the children that are not made to do anything at home. They are unorganized at best and unwilling to do the task they don't want to with out a reward being hung over their heads. Life isn't about what you want to do it is about what you have to do to get through it. And that means taking out the trash just as much as it means learning how to read... Life lessons are something we have to teach or children. Manners, selflessness, respect etc.. Those things don't come out of the wood work one day when they are 40. And sitting back and teaching them that mom does everything and all they have to do is party is just wrong.. ((Which by the way is why most the women on this list are over worked and under appriciated.)) You don't know what it takes to do the dishes, meal prep, laundry, etc. if you've never pushed up your selves and shed a little sweat..
but a lot of you still have very young children. There is a major difference between parenting a young child and one that is getting closer and closer to being on their own. When my older kids were young I thought I would do things a lot different than I am now BUT I learned a lot through the lives of others I saw (kids that did everything and felt like slaves and those that did nothing) and I have worked to find a way that works for us and our home.
For moms with Teens. Here is a link with a really good sight for an author that writes books about life for teens.
Chad Foster
He has a book called Teenagers preparing for the real world. It talks to them about the difference between Professional success and Personal success. It is very well written and I am noticing more and more that people in this world are basing their feelings on success souly on professional success.
By the way, I have a friend that was made to do nothing. Her whole life shows it. She is the woman that lets her bills slide to the point of almost having the utility shut off. Because she was never taught money wasn't just there to have fun with. She has self pitty trips over being broke, blames the world and at 33 is constantly hitting her dad up to pay bills so that she can spend her money as she sees fit. She also is the woman that would never work for minimum wage because she is better than that and won't let her DD get a minimum wage job. She has a pile of clean clothes and a pile of dirty clothes. Her free time is her time and they should feel lucky she does the laundry at all. Her dishes were never done, now she makes her daughter do them because she finds doing them unfulfilling. When she goes grocery shopping she buys spur of the moment items, doesn't have the first clue about planning for a week of meals. So if she decides they will have steak and she only has enough money for the steak then they will eat PB and J's the rest of the week or hit her dad up for more money. Instead of forgoing the steak and buying enough food for the week. She was one of the most unorganized and self involved people I had ever met. This has improved some but not much. Sad part is her DH was raised the same way so they are like the blind leading the blind. So does allowing your children to be self involved and all about having a good time bad? Well in this case, Yes it was..... She is lacking in so many life skills and her mother did her a major disservice.
Pam, your post is very inspiring! Thanks! I totally agree!
I don't have kids yet, but I did chores and am a firm believer in them. When I got to college, it was often obvious which of my dormmates learned to contribute to their families' workloads.
My best friend's roommate was one of those who had never been required to do anything--not even laundry. When she got to college, she was SO CLUELESS as to what normal people do as general cleaning and upkeep. She didn't change her sheets until December when she took them home, because her mom had always done that and she didn't think about it. She never thought to vacuum, even when she dropped crumbs on the floor, because crumbs always "magically" disappeared at home. She let her dishes pile up until she absolutely HAD to wash them. It was horrible for my friend, who basically had to become a mother to this girl, reminding her to do things that should be ingrained in a 12-year-old, much less an 18-year-old.
I don't think this girl was a unique slob either--I knew several others who did similar things. I think I stemmed from not understanding what it is like to help and contribute to a family. I discovered that the ones who often left dishes in the bathroom, left trash next to the overflowing hall can instead of taking it outside, left their laundry in the washer/dryer for hours at a time, etc. usually did not have chores at home, and had no idea how to do things for themselves.
On an amusing/scary note, my sister's college roommate had so little experience with microwaves (her mom cooked/prepared everything) that she put a pot pie in a metal tin in the microwave for 30 min. and then left to take a shower. Surprise! Big explosion, black smoke!
My boys are 17/14. I have them fold some of their clothes, clean their room, their bathroom and put away dishes.
You know, that's great if the Mom's are homemakers and are home all day...if this is the case.
But, when you take care of people all day at work, then come home and everyone is on the computer, where I'd like to be...but instead I have to do everything at night...it makes for a crabby Mom and lazy kids. I don't agree.
My kids do specific work around the house. They always have since they were toddlers. The chores are age appropriate ie: feed pets, make beds, dust, clean bathroom, empty trash cans, empty/load dishwasher, fold towels, match socks, etc.
I have and continue to teach them how to sew, mend, wash clothes, put clean sheets on a bed, replace buttons, cook, prepare a meal, shop for meals, etc. I let them participate with the household stuff along with me.
They are expected to help out. Sometimes they complain but then again sometimes I do, too!
They all receive allowances but it is given every Sat, not based on their chores. I think they all need to have pocket money to spend or save. It gives them a sense of mananging their money, etc. Whereas, households jobs around the house help out the family.
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