I really need to get over it because it upsets me way too much
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive March 2004:
I really need to get over it because it upsets me way too much
I received my dad and Ethel's wedding invitation the day before dh and I's anniversary in February, coincidence?
I haven't seen or talked to my dad since December 28th (his choice).
It is my birthday, they both know it is my birthday. Nothing, not a call, card nothing.
I told myself I wouldn't get upset if and when it happened, but I am.
Their wedding date is 5/22 and it will take everything I have to go. To my knowledge they are having a pretty big wedding (no I'm not involved in any way, shape or form).
I know what you're saying, am I being nasty in any way, shape or form. No, I am always on my best behavior.
I was tired of being the one always calling him or stopping by. He has basically moved in with her and they will move into his house when they are married.
So, yes, I have given up. And yes, it is like I have lost two parents and no closure.
I'm sorry I know this sounds like venting, but it is out of pure sadness.
I'm sorry things are going so rough for you. Happy birthday by the way!! I have no advice, but feel free to vent here!!! (((Marg)))
I'm sorry, Marg. We can't pick our families, can we! Sometimes they are people we would never be friends with, or even associate with, if we weren't related, yet we still yearn for their love and acceptance. It's so difficult when we don't get it. It sounds like it's THEIR loss. Have a happy birthday, anyway! {{{Marg}}}
I agree that its THEIR loss. Happy Birthday Marg, I would just concentrate on you and your family for now.
Why are you always on your best behavior? If your feelings are hurt, why don't you say something?
I truly empathize with you, as my Dad met someone who took up all his time and stopped calling and, you could say, he became distant. All of us felt it and a few of us said something to him. His response was 'accept it', and ultimately we did because our alternative was to not have any contact at all. But, it doesn't mean we liked it or were comfortable about it. It didn't change him or his attitude, but he at least knew how we felt. At least he knew how we felt before he died. I guess what I'm saying is, you can't change him, but that shouldn't stop you from letting him know how you feel. (((hugs)))
BTW, I'd call him tonight and tell him how hurt you were he forgot your birthday. The longer you keep it in, the worse you're going to feel.
My DH went through a situation similar to this, not near as extreme, with his father after his mother passed away. Fortunately they didn't move into his parents home, I can't imagine how hard that must be. You have every right to be upset but what has always bothered me with my DH is that he was just to nice to them about, even when I knew it was killing him. There is nothing wrong with "venting" to your father.
Happy Birthday! Try to enjoy your day.
You should vent to your dad, and let him know how you feel. Maybe he just doesn't realize how much he's hurting you.
I hope your Birthday gets better 
((((HUGS))))
I hope you can find a way to have a happy birthday. I am so sorry this day is so sad for you.
Marg-first of all Happy Birthday .
I'm so sorry you have been going through such a tough time with your Dad. I can't totally relate to what you are going through since I still have my mom but I have gone through almost exactly the same thing with my Dad since my parents were divorced. He has forgotten my birtday a few times, months and months would go by before I would hear anything from him. He married a woman who right of the bat told him she was not happy that he had 3 children (she had two of her own). I distanced myself from him and just accepted that that was the way things were going to be. I just had to let go of the pain and realize that I had done my part in this relationship and he needed to make the next move. Somewhere along the way he realized he didn't like the consequences of his actions (long story-email me sometime and I will fill you in). For the past two years he will now call or email and come visit the girls-and my stepmother has been coming, too. This happens probably every 3-4 months or so, but it is a start. I have let go of some of my hurt and resentment over time and I appreciate any time my girls have to spend with their grandfather. I have never had a good relationship with my father and sitting down and talking to him was never an option for me. If you can do it with your father that's great-otherwise don't beat yourself up over it. Maybe if you let some time pass, that will help. Go to the wedding and let him make the next move. Hugs to you Marg.
I can relate to you. Truthfully I don't think it is something we can ever get over completely. Distant fathers is very emotionally painful. I too have the same situation and this has affected my self esteem. I carry on and do understand that it is not my fault as I thought it once was. Go to the wedding and hold your head high! Hope you had a wonderful birthday
I don't have any advice, just I'm sorry you are having a crummy day. And a great big (((HUG))).
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes.
I've tried to talk to dad several times. Like a man, (YES I SAID IT, LOL!) he avoids the conversation. So I stopped it, because I could see it putting distance between us.
When he told me he might get engaged his exact words were "no one better have a problem with it."
I really think the whole underlying thing is how he treated my mom and how he treated this woman.
No, there was no abuse, and mom and dad didn't have much money. But they had saved, but never did anything. And now, I really believe he regrets that and all the thing he does for this woman, he never did for mom, long list, I really don't feel like getting into.
My birthdays have never really been good, the best one I had was when dh threw a very small birthday party at one of my favorite restaurants, Hickory Bridge Farm in Orrtanna, PA.
If your ever in the area of Gettysburg, PA you should try this bed/breakfast restaurant, if you call it that. It is in a barn (redone beautifully) served family style.
Once again, thanks everyone;)
My parents and I had a huge falling out when I was 20. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend (Hubby now) and his parents. My parents, mostly mom, wouldn't talk to me anymore. I felt like I did the right thing. It ate me up inside that my mother was ignoring me, but I kept on calling and sending cards and everything. It even came down to where my parents weren't going to my wedding. Eventually she came around and now we are closer than ever. My mom and I were never close. Don't give up and keep trying. Then you will have no regrets.
Marq - first, Happy Birthday - and it really sucks to have your father not remember your birthday.
Some thoughts - hating (or strongly disliking someone) is giving them rent-free room in your head. Or, hating (or strongly disliking) someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
You are right, you need to find ways to let go and get over this, because as you know, you are the one being hurt. I wish I had a clear, non-fail way you could do this. And, I am so sorry.
Finally, keep being the person who takes the initiative to communicate. In the end, you will always feel better about yourself for taking the high road, and you will be a great role model for your children. Just don't expect a response. I think if maybe you lower your expectations (hopes) you might feel better.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MARG
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
Marg - (((HUGS))). I understand exactly how you feel. You feel that he has forgotten your Mom. You also feel that he is doing all the nice things for this woman, that he SHOULD have done for your Mom. However, at least, it would seem that he RECOGNIZES that he wasn't as good a husband to your Mom as he should have been.
I know how much you loved (and still do) your Mom, so it's very hard for you. When my oldest DS, Dan, passed away, his wife was devastated. Yet, after the funeral in March of 1997, she was dating again in April, and had her (now husband) moved into MY son's home in June. I went out to visit her on what WOULD have been his 21st birthday. The boyfriend went to his Mom's while I was there, for which I was most grateful. However, I KNEW that he lived there. I saw that he had used Dan's power tools, and fishing gear. It KILLED me. I didn't expect her to greive forever, but I had to minister to her so much at the time of the funeral (she stayed with us for ten days), that I really didn't allow myself to grieve until much later.
I agree with the others that say to let your Dad KNOW how hurt you are that he forgot your birthday. That's inexcusable! He's acting like a thoughtless teenager with this woman. However, he is an adult, and he probably is going to go through with his plans, no matter what ANYBODY thinks. It's too bad how self centered some people can be. Just love him anyway, and let him know that the door is open, especially for your kids. His eyes will be opened soon enough.
Things come in bunches. Ask God for strength. HE knows what you feel. And, I hope that you were able to have a Happy Birthday anyway. (((HUGS))) again.
BTW- My former daughter-in-law invited us to her wedding. The invitation arrived on the anniversary of Dan's passing. Of course, we didn't go. We couldn't watch her stand up there and marry another man, so soon after her wedding to Dan. Some people just don't get it.
Thank you everyone!
Thank you Holly, you made me feel a lot better.
I was wondering where you've been, but I know your busy. If I'm not mistaking your homeschooling now aren't you!
Keep posting or email me sometime!
Marg- Yes, I AM homeschooling now, so I don't have as much time on the computer. Usually it's this time of the AM.
I'd love to email you, but I don't have your email address. I looked in your profile. I don't have mine on there either. Bubbels and Bobbie have it, and they have my permission to give it to you, as long as you identify yourself to them.
Nobody ever said that life was going to be easy, did they? Sometimes, it can be downright crushing.
I am here ANYTIME that you need to vent. ((HUGS))
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