Gift Giving
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive March 2004:
Gift Giving
This rubs me the wrong way but maybe I am making a big deal over nothing. Dh's family has family birthday parties for all the nieces and nephews and the kids all draw names at Christmas. The thing that annoys me a little is that they tell you what to give their kids. One of the kids is having a birthday next month and his mother tell me he would like cash. I think to myself "who wouldn't like cash". I have given gift before that were not on the want list and they have not been received very poliety and so sil has started giving me very specific options on what to buy her children either X or Y. DH says to go ahead and do it so that the kids get what they want. I say I am giving the gift I should get to choose what I want to give and the kid should learn how to graciously accept a gift even if they hate it. What do you think?
I agree with you. I find that tacky. It's one thing to give suggestions if someone asks for ideas, but to pretty much demand what gift to give????? That's just rude. I don't know what the answer is for you because it appears it is what is accepted in that family, but I don't like it one bit either.
I also agree. I will ask if there are things they want and when parents have asked me what to get out daughter i usually tell them what she likes, crafts, games, general ideas never specific! If she wants something specific then i feel that is MY responsibility to decide whether i get it for her or not. Plus you just can't assume that people always have the money to spend on specific things!!
I agree 100%. Before birthday parties, Christmas, and anytime my kids will receive a gift I always give the speech, "never say I have it already, never look disappointed, remember they spent time thinking about you and looking for that gift that would make you happy make sure you make them feel good about it" it works. It's something we all have to learn.
I'm with you I probally wouldn't get what is on the list. I don't live near my extended family (my grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins) thank goodness. But my cousin's wife does this to my Mom Mom. My Mom Mom is almost 90, she loves very ..... hmmm...decorated things and she really loves dolls. She got this cousin's daughter this doll light with a big lacy skirt, it was tacky but that is beside the point. But she asked my Mom Mom to take it back and get her something else because she didn't like it and had asked her to follow the list. If the little girl had seen it she would probably have pitched a fit, she's 11. It made me mad, it really hurt her feelings because she was so excited about it. My Mom Mom has never been in this little girls room because it is up the steps and she probably never will make it up...what is the harm in letting her think it was in her room? My cousin is very very wealthy, these kids have everything they could ever want.
Anyway, I think we, as parents, should use these wonderful oppurtunities to teach our children a little appreciation. How wil they ever be satisfied as adults if we grant their every wish and allow them to act in a way that others don't want to be around? I'll get off my soap box...but this just happens to be one of my personal pet peeves.
Amen, Christine.
I agree they shouldn't tell you what to get there kids but,if you ask what they need and they say money then that's a different story. With my DH's family they can never seem to buy the right size so I usually suggest a gift certificate or money if they ask me for suggestions. I don't really like to give little kids money or gift certificates because to a small kid that means nothing.
Tacky. I would just buy what you want to. If she has a problem with it tell her that it is not very good manners to request something specific if not asked.
I guess I am tacky.
Most of the time I tell people to give my ds cash. He likes video games, but they are just too expensive for one person to give, but if he is given cash or a Best Buy gc, he can save towards a game. For his 14th birthday, he was saving to buy a tv, so he asked that everyone please give him cash. He is also a golfer and pays for alot of his green fees...that cash sure comes in handy. He does chores for allowance, but he sure likes to get a few extra rounds in! Most of the friends do this.
For my daughter (10), in the family, we give pretty much specific suggestions to the grandparents. They want them. For her birthday, if asked from friends I would say general things like crafts, makeup, ect.
IMHO, I think you have to consider what the child wants more than what you want. I try very hard to give gifts that the child would like to have, not what I think they should have.
I think it's rather rude to tell someone what to buy your child for a gift, UNLESS you ask. It's perfectly fine to tell someone if they ask.
I think every mannered person in the world knows that is tacky. What happened to graciousness? I would think the parents would rather teach the kids how to be polite than how to be golddiggers!!
I agree, it is very tacky to tell someone what to give, unless the giver asks. And, unless it is family AND there is a family tradition - which seems to be what you are running into. I suggest you ask yourself if it is worth the aggravation by allowing yourself to get angry about it. Think of it this way, you don't have to spend time shopping and you can give in cash the same amount you would have spent on a gift - you are saved time and possible aggravation, the kid is happy, and you don't have a family quarrel. When you marry there are inevitable clashes of family traditions and patterns, and this may be one of them.
You are entitled to your feelings (and to some extent I feel the same way), but why spend the energy on being aggravated about it - you aren't going to change it and, imo, it is not a big deal.
I'm not sure what you mean by the kids drawing names at Christmas. But my dear dil has a large family and for Christmas all the adults (anyone 16 and older) have what people in this area call a Pollyanna - they draw names. Each person puts their name on a piece of paper and lists 3-5 things they would like to receive, in a reasonable price range.
In my family we do lists, sort of like a bridal registry, for Christmas and birthdays. That started when I moved to Phila. with my parents still in Chicago and Mom wanted to know what to give the kids. We started with the Sears Christmas wish book, and now each person is expected to make a list of at least 10 things they'd like to receive (again, with a wide price range) - being explicit about sizes and colors if it matters. We like it because we know that whatever we decide to give it will be welcome and there will be no exchange issues. But, if you see something you think the person would really like, you go outside the list - which I often do (since of course I think I know what my children like and need better than they do).
I do think asking for cash is tacky, and have asked my son to explain to my dear dil that the way I was raised, you only give cash or gift certificates if you don't care enough about the person to find out what they'd really like and give a personal gift - but sometimes she does ask for gift certificates, saying "there is something we really want/need that X store carries and we'd really like gift cards for that store. Ah well, even a nearly perfect dil has some faults.
We are a practical family. We ask what each other wants. Or we ask someone close to them like their moms what they want or need. Sometimes a suggestion is made about something someone wants to have. We just say, I know what I want for my birthday...a rolling cooler, a weed eater, a wet/dry vac, a Home depo gift certificate... practical stuff. We came to this after years of worthless gifts that went straight to the trash. We don't think we are tacky. We're practical. We're making the best use of funds. I have one Aunt who is in charge of giving me socks every Christmas. I love this and it's something I ask for.
For kids' birthdays, we do Target gift cards for $15-20. One party the birthday boy had 7 kids over and every one of them gave him this, so he got about $140 in Target gift cards to buy pricey electronics. We've done the actual gift thing and the moms all agreed for the most part the gifts were not appropriate for the kid.
I'd much rather know the receiver is getting something they want instead of something I think they should have.
Put me in the tacky list! I let people know the types of gifts that are prefered.
Our house is just too small to take in gifts that can't be used. Certainly we are kind when given a gift we can't use, but what a waste (in my opinion).
We give most stuffed animals away. DD only plays with one doll. We have given all but one away (it was a collectors doll...all of DD's women on DH's side are collectors...and even then it sits in a box stashed in the closet, never seen). Some toys are just junk and I give those away too.
With each invitation, I send a small polite note with ideas of what a 5 yr old (or whatever age) might like. I include low cost items and several choices. I do not tell them they MUST choose from this list, just that DD could really use these items.
EVERYONE, and I mean everyone on DD's birthday list told me thank you for including the wish list. Also, it started a trend. Since DD's party, several of the invitations we have gotten have included the very same note using the very same words (changing the wish list).
It was the BEST gift wise party she has ever had. She was thrilled to get everything she got...nothing was a surprise and Mom even approved of all gifts.
We don't allow Sponge Bob and several of the other popular cartoon characters. We don't allow candy or gum as gifts. Getting these types of gifts is difficult for DD because she knows she is not allowed to have them. To be polite, knowing they will be gone right afterwards is a lot to ask a 5 yr old.
If someone is going to take the time to purchase a gift for DD, I really want it to be something that will be used. It is just wasteful to purchase a gift that doesn't fit the needs of the child.
I find that everyone asks what my kids want. Today we had a party for one of my kids, and she got lots of stuff she loves. All of the parents asked, so she didn't get anything she doesn't love. I didn't tell them exactly what to buy, but did give them her faves.
I give gift certificates for my teen neices and nephews, if they can't give me any idea. I've chosen things before, just to have them handed down to my kid a few months later. What a waste.
I always ask before buying.
I'm sure no one really disagree's that there is nothing wrong with throwing some suggestions out there when someone ask. I think the problem is when the parent ask you to buy exactly what is on the list and when the parents and children have bad attitudes when they do not get the gifts they want. "What happened to graciousness?"
I don't have any problem telling my Mom what to get, she ask, I know how much she can spend, we are very close, etc.
Just bec we are practical doesn't mean we aren't gracious. When my son opened his 4th Pokemon Boggle game at his 5th birthday party he was still very gracious. Very polite.
I think it's two different issues we are discussing.
I agree, Chrissy and Laura, two different issues are being discussed.
I definitely agree, if people ask then you should tell them - giving a wide range.
And, I kinda like the "wish list", which sounds like our family's wish list, including a wide range of things. And having been a mom who didn't allow certain kinds of toys, I agree that it is better for a giver know in advance. I had the uncomfortable task of telling the mother of a school friend that I don't allow toy guns, so could we possibly exchange the toy gun her son had given mine - it was uncomfortable for both of us.
And, I agree - very strongly - that when a gift is opened the only thing that should be said is "Thank you", with a smile. Definitely no comments about "oh, another one", or "I didn't want this".
Tgift cards have made things a bit easier. I am still very uncomfortable most of the time about giving actual cold hard cash. Although I gave my son and dil $100 in lira as part of their wedding present, since they were going to Italy for their honeymoon.
I agree...I have taught ds and will be teaching dd to react the same way weather it was something they really wanted and received or something they would have never wanted in a million years or already had. Ds also knows to smile and say thank you and to not say anything negative like I don't like it, I don't want it or I already have it. If he already has it he just puts it up until the guests are gone and we return it for something he can use and wants at a later time. I find it very rude for someone to tell you specifically what to get for their child. Since our family is spread from all over California, Oregon and Texas its really hard for the grandparents to know what to buy so they always ask for a wish list to give them ideas. I send the same list to everyone who asks for it and I send updates if I know if the gift has already been bought. But I would NEVER say you need to buy A or B. And we most certainly NEVER complain about a gift received.
People are funny. (werid or strange) Someone told me that and it is so true! I think that comment has helped me deal with people.
Since it is family and you won't change them, I would just go along with it. Not worth an arguement imho.
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